*feeling like i shouldnt have*

I'm really sorry this is making you feel bad. :( I don't think you need to though. I'm proud of you for being able to talk about it.

still not sure i did the right thing by letting that all out, have come back time and time again wanting to delete it but i will not i will leave it.
i just feel like maybe just maybe i should have kept it in where it has been for so very long

((tigerseyes)) Please don't keep any guilty feelings. You did the right thing taking care of yourself. You can't do any good to anyone else, unless you take care of yourself first.

Rosy: about mums doing stuff for you whilst they've done so much TO you: I know the feeling. My mum drives me to Antwerp and stuff like that, she listens to me when I have something to say etc. Why didn't she do that before? And why does she still harrass me when she's seeing the opportunity?

One of the many reasons why I don't want to go home any more.

i have so much going around in my head at the moment, since i wrote what i wrote before its like all this stuff wants to come out, i am just feeling so scared to let it out

Tigerseyes: I know that can be a really scary feeling. I try so hard not to think about my abuse, and when I do it can feel really overwhelming. Your mind has a good safety net though: it won't let you think about stuff that you're not capable of dealing with. Try to trust yourself. Sometimes you can let this stuff out in ways that feel safe: sometimes I draw things and it helps me to deal with what I'm feeling, or at other times I write about what happened and that helps. I have a friend who likes to go for really long walks and that helps her to deal with things too. You could try a couple of ways of getting this stuff out and see if one of them helps? You can try to think of RYL as a safe place too, where you can talk about these things in an environment where no one will judge you or try to silence you. If you ever feel like it, you're always welcome to PM me about anything too.

I hope you're ok. <3

I have been having all these memories go round and around in my head today, i have done what i can to push them away and keep my focus on my little girl but right now this one memory wont stop coming back and i need to let it out, so i am going to try here i hope that is ok

this is a memory of a day i was staying with my aunt

Earlier in the day she had dressed me in a new dress telling me that i was not to get it dirty or she would smack and beat me so hard i would not beable to sit down for a week, all day i stayed inside making sure to do things that would not get the dress dirty, i really didnt want her to smack me and certainly not beat me. Then it was dinner and we were sitting at the table i was taking care not to let any drop down the front of the dress, then she called my name making me jump the fork fall from my hand food onto my dress gravy everywhere, before i could do or say anything she was shouting at me and lifting me from the chair, pulling up the back of the dress landing smack after smack on my bottom, then the dress was off and my underwear to, she got two chairs and pushed them together told me to lay on my tummy across them, i did as she said, she came back carrying the rope and a belt, she tied my wrists to the legs of one chair and my legs to the back of the other, she started hitting me with her hand and then the belt then she

*shakes and cries* sorry i cannot write anymore sorry
sorry if this should not be here i will delete if its not ment to be sorry

I'm so sorry you went through that, tigerseyes. What your aunt did was very cruel and very wrong. :( Well done for being brave enough to write that out. It must have been very difficult to write about or even think about.

If you're feeling extra shaky or vulnerable just now, I think that's normal. I know I feel that way when I talk about stuff. Can you try to be really good to yourself this evening? Eat something you really enjoy, or read a book that you like, or watch something happy on TV? Just something to make things easier on yourself. You're very brave.

*Hugs tigerseyes*

Well done for writing that out, love. You're very brave for doing that. What your aunt did sounds horrible. I can certainly understand that when memories like these drift above the feelings coming with them are overwhelming. Well done for writing it out. I'm proud of you.

*Another big big hug*

im sorry i have to let some more of this out its going around and around in my head and right now i wish i could just make it stop

Once she had hit me with the belt she left me laying there for what seemed like forever, she came back and started hitting me with the belt again, then got something and rubbed it into my bottom it stung so much and made me scream, making her more mad, she took the belt and started hitting me again on the bottom and the backs of my legs, i was crying and begging her to stop she just continued to do what she was doing telling me to shutup how bad i was and how she wished my mother had never had had me, she said that i was evil and she was going to beat the evil out of me, then she got something and put it into my bottom, it hurt so much but i just lay there not making a sound, she left it there and started hitting the backs of my legs again, she stopped hitting took the thing from my bottom, untied me and told me to lay on my back on the floor, she sat on the floor beside me and started touching me down there, then she pushed her

*stops* sorry this is to much i shouldnt be doing this im sorry shouldnt be talking about this *decides to now stay quite* sorry

*Big hugs* Tigereyes..

Tigereyes, you did was a really brave for writing this about your aunt..Your aunt was horrible things to you..She should have been more loving and caring aunt to you but now, she wasn't not nice at all..I'm glad that my two aunties are never hurts me or doing the bad things to me..They are both are very loving and caring for me always will be.

Did you report the police about your aunt for what she did it to you? Haven't you told someone about it yet?

If you ever need me so I'll be here sometimes..Just trying something fun at your home and it is okay to think of the memories if you are trying writing this stuff out so I won't mind doing it so..

Take care of yourself sweetie *hugs*

I agree with DeeDee, you should tell someone about this. It sounds like she really broke you psychologically and you just don't do that to a child.

Well done for writing it out sweetheart. Really proud of you.

*Big hug*

Hi. I don't think I've ever posted in this board before. Can I come in?

I just have a general question. Where is the boundary between discipline and abuse? I was always made to believe that it was done out of motherly love, and to make me a better person, but love shouldn't cause a person to fear their parent, should it?

Hi Oxymoron, Yes, you can come in anytime you wants to..

Well, that's a good question sweetie, but most parents did abuse for what they did to you was horrible things..

Do you wants to share with your stories with us? if you don't wants to so we won't bite you at all..I think it's good to take the stuffs out for your feeling about it..

Take care!

Maybe I will later, not at the moment. Thanks for welcoming me anyway.

If you don't mind, could I ask you to expand slightly on this point: "most parents did abuse for what they did to you was horrible things.."? I didn't really get what you were saying.

Well, at some point, Most parents are getting disiclpline and abuse by the kids on their hands because you needs to be punished or something bad til the parents found out what you did with the stuff..yeah, something like that..Love doesn't mean that fear the most parents do but they could loves you so much as a parents to you or was it?

Sorry, sweetie, I was trying to figure it out about your questions about it..But, you didn't do anything wrong with that cause it's parent's faults for what they did to you but you didn't do anything bad with the stuffs at your home..

*bump*

Tigerseyes you have done a FANTASTIC job of talking, and you can tell anything here, nothing is too much or inappropriate. You're not doing any wrong getting it out and we're always here to listen. *offers hugs if you want*

I agree (:

I have to deal with talking to the police about it now... Unfortunately when I told my therapist about the abuse she told the police (I didn't know), and yesterday I got a letter through saying I had to talk to a police officer about it because when they were notified they automatically opened a case, so now I have to close it ):

Do you know what you're going to tell them honey?

I think they want to know everything :-( every bloody detail, which means I'll have to tell them everything, and it'll just burn in my mind again.

Why don't you look up some older posts when you told us what happened. Then maybe you can give that to them as a statement. That might be a little easier than telling it all over again. *hugs*

Ah yeah. I'll print them off. I have to sit with them alone :crying: wish someone could hold my hand when they were talking to me. I know they're gonna be really picky and ask me about everything and about her.

*holds you close* It'll be okay honey. Maybe take a teddy bear to cuddle with you. Just tell the truth and you'll be all right.

Imma take my cat, he'll comfort me. She knows I don't wanna press charges, cos I can't really, it'd be my word against hers and she'll be like "I was a kid I didn't know what I was doing, she's lying" etc.

Be very careful how you word it when you say you don't want to press charges. *hugs*

My dad made an awful comment yesterday.

"Yay, *name of the street I live in*"
"Do you like our street? No traumas?"

Is he messing with me? I ****ing told mum about how she broke my spirit, I ****ing told dad about what my brother did to me, and yet he is suppressing & denying everything as always.

Can I have a hug, or maybe a little support?

:crying:

Oh Dear Lynx *hugs*

That was awful that your dad makes mean comments..

I think he was messing you around big time :(...Do you talk to anybody that happened today? I'm sure you will get some support..

Take care of yourself sweetie..

Thank you, DeeDee. I just plain hate my family sometimes. I don't know how I manage to put up with them.

Can I send you a PM sometime?

*hugs Lynx if okay*

Sorry your parents are being really insensitive, its what heavy denial can make them do.

Apparently. I hadn't really seen that one coming :-S going to bed though. Hoping the Swiss army knife will arrive tomorrow :-D

Your welcome Lynx..I know you hates your family sometimes but they need some help before it's getting worse..Just take care of yourself first.

Yes, you can pm me anytime as long as you want to :).

P.s. what are you using knife for? I hope you are not doing harm yourself sweetie..please, stay safe okay?

Got a meeting with a social worker and a police officer tomorrow. I am panicking.

*Hugs Kathryn*

You'll be OK. Please take care.

I'm really worried. I'm also panicking cos I keep losing stuff and I've lost my college card and I can't remember where it's gone and I need it for tomorrow...

See if mom or someone can help you find it. It'll be okay. Just chill a bit and try to think of things that make you feel safe. *hugs gently* It'll be ok.

The last time I had it was at my friend's on Friday... And it's not at hers :crying: I'm such a screw-up, I can never do anything right :crying: I can't tell my Mum she's gonna be so mad...

It's okay, I've found it... No idea how it got into the jacket of the pocket that I wasn't wearing on Friday... But still :) :) :) my heartbeat has slowed right down now.

Yay you found it!

is it bad that I'm letting past issues in relationships carry over to this one??
:crying:
I hate arguing
I think I hate people thorwing the fact that I don't communicate in my face more.
and..ugh..I wouldn't be like this if it wasn't for my ex...
:crying:

I feel horrible.

DeeDee: I ordered the knife as a gift on the internet. I hadn't even thought about self harming with it. I'll probably just chuck it out at home & leave it there though.

Lynx, make sure you will throw it out before you do it for yourself *hugs*..

I didn't know that you would ordered as a gift in the internet so just be careful.

KitKat, Your mom won't get mad at you for going to the police and stuffs..She might be worried about you for what happened to you in the past and will try to support you in any way..

PerfectMess, Do you wants to talk about more stuff on here? if you don't wants to so that's okay..Talking seems help you to get out of your systems with bad stuffs going on here..I'm here if you need to talk to..

It wasn't my choice to go the police. Given the information that I told my counsellor and the fact that I'm under 18 and not yet an adult, the police and a social worker had to be alerted.

So I spoke to them today, and told them in detail what my cousin did to me and what she made me do. It was horrible :crying:

*hugs tight* Good job honey, it's all overwith now. You get the Bravery Crown for 2 weeks now honey! We're so proud of you. :)

Good job Kathryn! You certainly do deserve the bravery crown, testifying about such a thing is awful. *Big hug*

DeeDee: thanks, I will. It's a gift, for god's sake. The only gift in the list that would have been useful. If I ever see my brother again I might give it to him for his survival projects. If not, then maybe it'll be useful for turning on the light on the extractor hood in my kitchen (the button's broken.)

Sunni: I have that problem, too. Just a reminder: you were ABUSED. You had a really good reason not to stay with that girl & you know it. You know why you're with Del now, just keep telling her that.

*Hugs everyone*

With the parents away, apart from the financial problems, I'm doing suprisingly well, actually.

I'm not doing so well...most of the females in my family seem to think that I'm "just lazy"
and that I don't have "mental disorders"
and they want me to do 5 hundred things at once and it's affecting my school work cause I can hardly sleep staying up til 5 and worrying about everything.
:(

and SweetDeeDee: I have mega trust and paranoia issues in a relationship and because of how it was with my ex I freak if my partner is trying to protect me from not-so-nice people.

Thank you all (:

Sorry to hear you're struggling Sunni, sometimes it can be hard for someone to accept when a loved one has a mental health difficulty and they go into denial. My Mum is heavily in denial.

If you want you can PM me if you want to talk.

Could you not tell your family that you're feeling stressed and that it's affecting your performance in school? If you don't feel like talking to them face-to-face you could always write them a letter or send an e-mail or something.

Hope you're okay.

I can't tell my family anything.. my dad's the only one that knows how much pressure I'm under but he only knows about my anxiety and mood swings and bipolar disorder, he doesn't know about my other mental problems
because I haven't been able to come out with "hey dad I hear things" or "I lose days at a time"
just the other day I called my mom cause I didn't feel good and I missed her and she was down right rude to me.
she berated the fact that I'm ill and just made fun of me when I already felt like crap
to make things worse she was pissed drunk off her ass.
she's put me in less-then-healthy/safe situations my entire life
it's almost like I don't have a mum.

and my dad is telling me to take it easy
which is easier said then done with everything going on right now
I'm just so panicked and stressed and going off in ten different directions
I'm so confused with these feelings and everything that I'm having over the passed abuse from my ex and just ugh.

my family isn't helping in the least...well save for my dad.
but I feel like I put too much on him...

Maybe just being close to dad and getting attention will help too. Just being close won't put lots of bad pressure on him baby. *hugs gently* That's wrong of your mom to berate you and make you feel bad for being sick. It's not your fault honey.

PerfectNess, I think you should go and talk to your dad about the things that bothers you so much..and it is bring close with your dad and he will always be there for you no matter what..This is not your fault, it's your mom's fault for what she did it to you. Your ex partner was trying protect you but things got out of the hand so I think it will be easier with your dad first..

Lynx, I wouldn't worry about it :)..I think this is a good idea to gave your brother for a gift and I'm sure he will loves it!