Thankyou for asking how i am..wasn't really expecting that.

Slowly detaching myself from friends/family. When i get texts/messages asking how i am, i skirt around the question or don't reply because i just see no point. Nothing changes. I'm still the same. I'm tired. I'm suicidal. I'm self harming, and it's deteriorating at a ridiculous rate. I'm having horrendous side effects from my tablets which is making me just want to quit them.

Hiding away is the only option. I've tried to ask Gemma for an earliar appointment than Friday but she can't be bothered. Might cancel. Seems so pointless.
The cycle isn't being broken. Just going around and around and around.

Will be over soon, but i'm fed up of saying it, and people thinking i'm bullsh*tting, but sooner or later i'll be gone and people won't expect it.

But i must pretend i'm fine. I'm fine. I'm fine.

we don't think u r bullsh*tting at all. if we did we wouldn't reply but we simply want to help u in some way. don't cancel anything, if u feel this bad then im sure u have nothing left to lose. u can just pay lip service and if u still want to go ahead with ending it then we can't physically stop u. i am thinking about u as i know what it's like to be so suicidal (i od'd monday night) so if u need to chat feel free to pm me xxx

Hopefully the side effects will subside soon *hug*

Thanks ella - i know you don't really know me so it means a lot to have your support. I'm sorry to hear of your OD on monday *big cuddles* were you hospitalised?
And thankyou Sarah x

- There's a lot of people on here who are constantly making hundreds of threads about suicide, making up lies to crave the attention they don't get at home. I don't want to be seen as one of these people. I'm too old to pretend this sh*t is just for attention. I wish it was. I wish i wasn't like this.

I want to be with my daughter. I was this all to be over. I want everything to end as i want it to.

F*CK this F*CKING sh*t.
I'm getting the f*ck out of here as soon as.
Which will be this weekend.
Hallef*ckinglueah.

I'm crying for the first time in a long time.
And the tears won't stop. And i can't breathe.

I miss him. I miss my daughter. I hate myself.
Make it go away. Please? Make it go away.

stay strong laura, theres always a light at the end of the dark.xx

*holds and hugs you*

Oh Laura, I'm so sorry.
Please keep fighting, you've come so far.
I'm still thinking of you.
xx

i wasn't hospitalised as i was unconscious for half hour but woke up when the paramedics came and i flat out refused to go to hospital as i have seen my friend stuck there after od'ing and i wouldn't have handled it so i saw my gp and gotta have brain scan and bood test but i did fitt which is not good! never mind, my own fault. please try to stick around we all need u and will help u in every which way we can xxx

ella - I'm sorry to hear of your recent suicide attempt. I've had 3 myself, 1 of which could have been fatal and i'm gutted that i ended up in hospital before it took full effect. Thankyou for your PM - i'm pretty sh*t at replying to PM's but i'll try to later. My head is slightly fuzzy right now.

----

Thankyou to all your comments. I always feel too overwhelmed when i come on here to find you all sending your love and hugs.

I spoke to Dr.Newson (GP) today to get my usual meds. Everytime i ask for Temazepam and tell him i'd rather get them now as i don't want to run out he goes "No we don't want that" (in a non sarcastic way) - it makes me wonder if he thinks these are my leaning post right now and without them i'd be a wreck.

He told me they do psychology down at the surgery, someone comes in once or twice a week. I was told i'd have to travel to another town to get it, which is why i've not had it.

I told him how bad i felt. He's given me more dressings for my wounds as my self harm is getting increasingly worse as the days go by and i'm finding out i'm allergic (quite badly) to the cressings (self adhesive) that he gave me before. Still haven't picked them up yet.

He was just giving me ideas to distract myself when i feel the urge to harm and i went along with it, but to be honest, i think he knows nothing works, when i need to harm i will do it regardless of what distraction i take.

I text Gemma (CPN) and for the first time ever, i admitted how badly i was doing (suicidal/self harming etc) and also asked about the psychology down at my local surgery - that was this morning. She doesn't finish until 5pm and she didn't even bother to text me back, and that hurt. It's made me realise i really can't ever talk to her because she either ignores me or takes everything out of context.

It made me feel so f*cking lonely. And i'm just curling up in bed, it takes far too much effort to even come online now. I'm slowly wasting away and i only have myself to blame. My life currently consists of cutting, sleeping, cutting, crying, cutting, sleeping. How pathetic.

Sorry, i'm rambling. Same old bullsh*t. Sorry you have to continue to listen to it.
I'll shut up now.

Thankyou again. xx

Laura, I'm sorry but I don't have the words right now. I am still reading and thinking of you. Try and stay strong. *hugs*

laura, i hope u keep fighting. becoz i believe u deserve to be better... i don't but u cerrtainly do from reading all ur threads, please help urself xxx

Dr.Newson was the one that suggested the psychology as he said my consultant psychiatrist wants me to have it, but i can't physically/mentally/emotionally travel further than my local town and even then i need to dose up on loads of Diazepam/Temazepam.

He said he'd try speak to Gemma or i could mention it to her tomorrow as she's coming round but i just..feel like she should have mentioned it to ME. I was the one who had to ask about psychology - 2 f*cking years i've been in the services and I HAD to ask.

I just feel like everyone but Dr.Newson is so incompetant and i'm fed up of fighting, i'm fed up of asking, i'm fed up of going around in circles.

Gah. Sorry.

Love you too Irene. I wish i lived closer to you.
xxxx

I'll come say goodbye before i go. I promise.
x

I don't know what to say Laura. I wish you would reconsider. You know where I am if you do want to talk at all. Thinking of you x

i can undestand why you are soo angry t he services yu have been given my psych is a complete twat. i hope you get through today even thoughi dont know you eveyone has such kind words for you. big hugs. i know this wont make a diff to how you are feelin jutwanted to let you know i have sum undestanding

Gemma guessed i'm "going" this weekend.
Doubt she'll do anything about it as she still booked an appointment for Tuesday - i told her she thinks i'm bullsh*tting, she said she wasn't and is going to look into calling the crisis team and i flipped. For those who don't know i can't stand the crisis team - they make me feel worse than better.

And anyway, i won't be around to care! lol!

Going, going, gone. Well, soon, anyway.

i urge u to reconsider... but i am more than aware that i can't physically stop u. try to be around people that u like and respect in the coming few days as this could make all the difference. keep us posted xxx

I understand your feelings about the crisis team. I hate them too and I understand it makes it really hard to know where to turn when you are feeling so bad and the only people offered i.e the crisis team are useless. What would you like Gemma to do in an ideal world?