I spy Lia *gentle hugs* What you say on here makes sense and does help, even if - at the time - it doesn't seem like it. Hopefully THAT made sense... haha.

*cuddles everyone* Like Laura said, sorry it's not more... :(

*Spots April and sends HUGE hugs to her*

*Hugs Laura too :)*

*spots Mark and Hels and sends ginormous cuddles to both of them* :) How are you doing now?? since it's been a bit since you've both updated us on how you're doing... :)

*hides in the warren*

I'm at my parents April , lack of privacy but I'm doing okay considering , Played with my baby neice a bit :) I'll be back online tommorow I hope , I pretty much have to go now , Take care you :)

*Seeks out and joins April in the warren for the night*

*Joins April and Mark in warren.*
*Group hug*

What's wrong April?

xx

*group hugs Mark & Lia, and Hels if she's about in her invisibility cloak, & anyone else who wants a group hug!!*

I... don't know. Just talking with yet another person about some "sensitive issues" (you probably know what I'm talking about, Lia) and it's brought up some stuff I'd rather not think about. UGH.

Anyway.

Ummm... other than that, though, I'm doing alright, although rather warm. It's a humid and warm day here. :( I read some in front of a fan and have spent awhile doodling about online, playing a bit of WoW and also "Facebooking" and "LiveJournaling" ... heh. And of course, "RYLing." :P Jarrod and I went to a mall near us today, to go to Border's there (bookstore)... had a lot of fun. I bought 2 new Kristin Hannah books, even though I'm only halfway through one of the two that I still have to read. Jarrod got "Bass Guitar for Dummies" - lol - I love the "...for Dummies" series. Learnt so much about bipolar by reading "Bipolar for Dummies" awhile ago... :) ...even though it sounds absolutely stupid. (I'm dxed bipolar NOS, I think... not sure, hah.) They're very helpful books. But anyway... it was nice and air conditioned in the mall, which was very welcome as it's about a 45 mile ride there, in a non-a/c'ed car. >_< Oh well.

Sorry, I'm rambling on about me again... >_< SHUT UP, APRIL... :crying:

*cuddles april* glad you had a good time at borders.

*joins in group hug with april, lia, and mark (and possibly helen if she is actually in there lol, that cloak makes things difficult)*

How are you doing, Laura? *extra cuddles*

Not great. I'm shut down right now though. Don't worry, not important. I shouldn't even post in here, I'm not being a good ward mate with my lack of individuals and all. I'm sorry.

Oh sweetie, it's not about making individual replies every time you post. It's about getting and giving support. And God knows you've given a lot of support in the past!! Please don't stop posting... I would miss you. A lot. :( Also, I just caught up in your r/v and I'm sorry for all of the stuff that's been going on that I've been missing... *extra special comforting hugs* If you ever need to talk, I'm here, okay? PM inbox is always open. *cuddles gently*

Oh, & I just updated my r/v... :-/ It's not that important, just thought I'd let you all know. :-S

Don't stop posting Laura, we want you here, well I do especially, individual replies or not.

*cuddles all*

*hold onto helen and april* Thanks you two. Means a lot.

Gah! i keep trying to type and I can't. Im too numb right now. I've just sat here for like 10 minutes starting and deleting sentences. Stupid me.

I did read your r/v tho april - not much advice. It's okay to be afraid though, I think in the situation you are in with jarrod and the army that most people would be afraid.

Hey guys. Yh, I do know what you're on about April. I'm a little dense, but I'm pretty sure I caught on. The same **** that was going through my head and wouldn't shut up earlier until I nearly trashed the place. Anyway.

Laura, you don't have to reply individually everytime you post. You can come here for your own support too and you're not a usess ward mate. April's right, we would miss you if you left. I'm already in the group hug so I can't hug. Well, *hugs tighter*.

How are you Helen? x

My head's better now. It's shut up a little. With the help of something I shouldn't have done and The Vicar of Dibley.

x

*huggles everybody*

Sorry for the lack of individual replies - 4 pages since I was on last.
Also sorry for spelling mistakes - really cold, it's 11C here Google is telling me, which for us is really cold.

Just wanted to quickly drop in and let you all know that:
a) I heard back from my psychiatrist and he's upped the beta-blockers to try and help with the anxiety - my appointment with him is next week
b) I heard back from the advocacy place
c) I have an appointment with my physiotherapist on Friday to talk about the noise in my shoulder
d) I filled in all my paperwork for Pain Management and am ready to sleep through .... oops I mean tackle the next appointment
e) my housemate had his Echo and Stress Test yesterday and we're both alive and well .... and
f) thank god you only live once

*big hugs* to everyone and I'll try to get back in a bit ... right now I just need to chill for a little while.

Freaking out a bit right now to be honest on top of feeling low and stuff. Suicidal urges have been better today. Still there, but better?

*huggles Hels* - Wish I could make it/them go away for you sweetness. :(

*cuddles tight* Thanks darling

Your update sounds good =]

Anyone else ever feel the urge to throw yourself on the floor and throw a world class temper tantrum? complete with the kicking, flailing and screaming?

Definitely, Crimson. :P What's up, though, to make you feel like that? *offers space in the group hug if you want, and extra cuddles on the side too*

Lia, love, how are you doing now?? I'm glad that you're feeling a bit better... I hope that the "thing that you shouldn't have" isn't too awful... :-S And what's the Vicar of Dibley? Sorry if that's a dense question...

Hels, I'm sorry that you are where you are... is there anything we can do? I wish that there were... because then I wouldn't feel so useless. :( *gentle cuddles*

Kahlia, thanks for the update - & well done on making it through the day!! :D Proud of you, for whatever that may mean. *cuddles & offers a space in the group hug*

GUHHH damn the side effects of medication.... :crying:

Hey April- It's alright, nothing horrific, I just cut. I had to get away from the things flashing through my mind, trying to tell me things I didn't want to hear, so I thought the only way I could get rid of them was like that. I felt my head would explode and I had to let it out somehow. Usually I write, but I couldn't, not about that. I couldn't write it as if it were me.

Hey Crimson- yep, I do, all the time. What's up?

Helen- Glad you're not as bad to day, but I still wish there was something I could do to make it all go away completly. *Hugs*.

Hey Kahlia, I hope things aren't too bad for you. Hopefully, your anxiety can start to improve on more treatment. *Hugs*.

Edit- oh and April, The Vicar of Dibley is a tv comedy show. It's halerious, I love it. :)

x

lol glad i'm not the only one... to answer as to what happened: I was asked to find a file (to be clear i work on the 6th floor and the person asking for the file works on the 5th floor). after i spent most of today looking for that file i ask if the person checked with the paralegal (who's office door is right next to the original person's desk... less than 5 feet chair to chair)... the file i was wasting my time looking for, was in the paralegal's office. i emailed to ask if they checked there, they emailed back to say they were gonna look and less than 2 min later emailed to say they found it. and kath never showed up to "help" me shelve stuff either... but i got 4 boxes worth shelved as i looked at least.

Get rid of you know who & this guy this keeps bothering me? :crying: That would be a helpful start. *cuddles* You're not useless though.

*hugs Lia* Thanks honey. I wish there was too =[ Even if it was something *I* could do.

That sounds really sucky.


Argh this guy is REALLY bothering me & he knows it. Ugh so disgusting & he's really triggering me. :crying: :crying: :crying: :crying: :crying: :crying:

*hugs hels* i'm sorry this guy is bothering you, is it online (could there be a way of blocking him if that is the case)

*hugs crimson* that really sucks

*hugs Lia, April, Jess, Mark, Kahlia*

Hey Oliver, how are you??

Oliver has a point Helen, can't you block him? Or stop reading what he's sending? *Massive hugs*. No one has the right to make you feel like that.

x

hi Lia

I'm stressed and lonely and depressed and annoyed

Lia, sweet, did you take care of the cut properly? You probably know this already but I wanted to check... *gentle hugs* It's funny, I feel so far away from SI already, and it's only been a week & a half... we'll see how this goes. :-/ I'm not so confident that I'll be able to stay away from cutting tools when Jarrod's gone back to work (next week - has been on furlough for 3 months!! so have gotten sooo used to him being around)... but we'll see. :-S Anyway, sorry for rambling.

Hels, I'm sorry that "that man" is bothering you. Is there any way you can get him to stop? block him somehow? If he knows he's upsetting/disgusting you, then he's not worth your time (which you probably already knew). Anyway... sorry my advice is stupid, it's all that I can think of though. *cuddles gently*

Crimson, hon, I'm so sorry that you went to all of that work... :( That had to be so freaking infuriating. *extra cuddles* I'm sorry I don't know anything else to say... feel so useless tonight (key word = "feel," not "am").

I tried playing WoW for a bit and managed to do so successfully... but... I don't know. It's just frustrating how my guild is so damn focused on "get to 80 get to 80 get to 80" when I'm a much slower leveler since I can't do dungeons due to anxiety. I HATE THAT. I won't leave my guild cos I love my guildies, but their play style is soo much different from mine. *sigh* Sorry, WoW-speak again... :-/

I'm so freaking warm. Maybe I'll go sit in front of a fan again... this stupid flea-ridden apartment only has 3 windows that open... and five different rooms (not counting the bathroom). :( ARGHHH... I can't wait to move out... so really pray/send good thoughts to Jarrod when he goes to MEPS (physical fitness eval before he can go to basic). I don't know when that'll be but I'll let y'all know. I just am so sick of fleas, of no a/c... arghhh!!!! :'(

*hides in a hole and cries to self*

Hiya Oliver... *hugs* ...I'm sorry that you feel all those things... I wish I/we could help you feel better, in some way/shape/form. Let us know if we can? *extra special hugs*

*hugs April* well done for lasting a week and a half, you should be really proud, I hope you can stay away from sharp things while jarrod is away because you have done so well so far. I'm sorry its so warm and humid, that is horrible. Good luck to Jarrod for his fitness assessment, hope it goes well for him, whenever it is

thanks, don't think there is anything anyone can do, guess I'll be hanging around in here a lot, I'm back home at my parents now, so missing all my friends from uni and groups and missing Alex.
plus weekend grandmas party with loads of old people, will get a mixture of names and pronouns, joy. got birthname and she all tonight while cousin and aunt and uncle here, it hurts a lot.
then off to a music course in 2 weeks, where i have to be a girl, really ****ing with my head.
plus home is just home with shouting from my father all the time.
sorry rambling on about me, shouldn't

*hides*

updated my RV thread.

*hugs all*

*hugs helen* im sorry that you are being bothered by certain people and that guy. Hope that you can find a way to block him.

*hugs oliver* Its always fine to ramble about yourself in here. I'm sorry that not all of your family respects your name/treats you as you are. I bet that's really hard/frustrating... Sorry, I know I probably sound really ignorant about this type of thing. Hope things at home don't get too bad with the shouting.

*hugs crimson* sorry that you had such a frustrating day at work.

*hugs april* It sounds like you really need to move out of that apartment with the fleas and it being so hot and all *installs a free a/c unit for you* (i'm quite virtually handy lol). Hope that it at least cools off to a more reasonable level soon. Good job on over a week without cutting! You can make it through jarrod going back to work. Just keep trying to fight and move forward if you can.

*hugs lia* glad that you head has cleared up a little since earlier today. Sorry you were having such a hard time.

*hugs kahlia* sounds like you had a productive day. well done!

*cuddles for everyone that i missed* i didnt intentionally ignore anyone.

let it stop

*Hugs Oliver* I'm sorry you are having a tough time with people and having to be a girl , that must be so frustrating :S

*Hugs April* A week and a half !! Thats good going , you're doing really well :)

*Hugs Laura* I would miss your posts too Laura and you have every right to receive support in here just like the rest of us:)

*Hugs Helen* Hmmm I hope you can get rid of the man who is bothering you soon .

*Hugs Crimson*

*Hugs Lia*

*Group Hugs*

*waves* I had my second doctors appointment today. I almost fell asleep in the waiting room, and then during my appointment. I'd had plenty of sleep too. I suppose I should have mentioned it while I was there. :/ I did a mental health plan thingy and my doctor told me that I'm currently too low to start seeing a psychologist. I have to go back again next week and I should be referred to someone in the next couple of weeks.

And I get to start playing Ice Hockey next month! It means my arms will be on show (between padding) during training and I absolutely cannot cut there EVER again. Which will be difficult because I really have no desire to cut elsewhere. It's gonna be tough. I really want to play though, I don't want to have to miss out just because of some silly problem. :(

*Hugs Jessica* I hope you get referred to a psychologist you like and get on well with . :)

Thanks Mark. *huggles* How are you doing?

Thanks everyone, he finally seems to stopped texting me again, hopefully won't hear from him again *shudders*

*cuddles all then hides*

Curls up in corner, trying really hard to not do anything stuiped, really want to tho. Just want next Friday to be over really don't want to wait would rather know now. =(

*cuddles all* Wish I could do more... seems like a lot of us are struggling right now. :( Jess, I hope that your ice hockey goes well. I totally understand not wanting to cut anywhere but your arms, that's how I was/am. Laura, how are you doing? and Mark? Hels, glad he's stopped texting you. Jill, love, what's next Friday? Oliver, I'll try & read your r/v in a bit... sorry it's not more.

There... lol... individuals but in a very shortened manner. :-S Sorry, I really do care, it's just my head's in an odd place right now. :-/ Don't know how to explain it though.

Had more nightmares last night & am utterly exhausted because of them. :( They were truly awful. :'( But I just want to go back to bed... keep thinking that "maybe this time I won't dream/have nightmares" but that is hardly ever the case. :'(

*sigh*

*hides in the warren*

*Hugs Helen * Good that the man had stopped bothering you :)

*Hugs Jill* What are you waiting for Jill ? sorry if I forgot I hope you are coping okay :)

*cuddles April tight* Nightmares are a bitch, I had one last night, really triggered me ha. Hope yours stop really soon darling.

*cuddles Mark*

*Hugs April* I spot you!

I also Spot Helen and Oliver*Hugs*

I've taken the laptop into my old bedroom at my parents , hmm its still full of my stuff but I don't want to take it all to my flat as my flat is a fixed 2 years tenancy and I want to wait until I am in a "Permanent" place before I move my stuff , make sense ?, I'm really worried I won't have anywhere to go when my tenancy is up , my housing support worker seem to be slow at geting me points on the points system(that I don't understand) with the council. hmmmm :S

*hugs April* thanks. I'm sorry you had nightmares again last night.

*hugs mark* how are you?

*hugs Jill* what is happening next friday?

*hugs Hels* I'm glad he has stopped texting you

*hugs Jess* that sounds good about doing ice hockey and maybe it will be a good insentive to start cutting less and stopping, sometimes we need something to make us do that.

*hugs laura* No you don't sound ignorant, it is really frustrating to be called the wrong name all the time. How are you today?

*hugs all other ward mates*

am so nervous about next week :/

*Hugs Nicole* Whats happening next week Nicole ?

*hugs mark.* im going to this adventure place in swindon for 3 days with group :/

Well that sounds like it could be fun Nicole ! but I understand being nervous about being stuck in a group for 3 days *Hug*

*hugs* im exited, but very nervous, and also, although pretty much every one of us self harms or have self harmed in the past. for some reason im nervous about them seeing my scars :/

Random, but does everyone else's family know, or at least have known in the past, about their mental health troubles? Because none of mine have any idea. Some of my friends know parts, but no one knows everything and the fam have no idea about anything. I've just considered the fact that might not be normal and is taking the mask a step too far.

How's everyone else?

Nicole, I hope you have a good time on the trip, I'm going camping with my senior section for a week on Saturday. I understand showing your scars must be nerve racking, but remember no one there is going to judge you, they've all been there themselves and this may help you.

x

*hugs nicole* i hope that you have a good time at the camp. I would be nervous too i think, but ultimately it could be a great time... just keep an open mind.

*hugs lia* to answer your question, yes my parents know about my mh stuff and i think my sister does too.... they found out after they raided my room a few years ago and found some writing that i had done (I was less than pleased that they did this... to put it lightly). If you want to tell your family, i think you should. Sometimes i think it can be very helpful for family to know.

*hugs mark* yea that makes sense about moving. Hoping all that housing stuff gets sorted out for you.

*hugs helen* i'm glad that he stopped texting for now. Hope you are feeling at least a little bit better.

*hugs april* sorry about your nightmares. I really hate dreaming. I've been having some strange ones lately, not nightmares per say.. just strange dreams.

*hugs jess, jill, and oliver*

I'm beyond anxious right now. Going to go exercise with a friend and just realized that my shorts dont exactly cover all my new SI stuff... and its like 90 out so wearing pants is going to look stupid.
What a screw up I am. I almost pride myself on how well i can hide things and I can't even get that right at the moment. hah.

To answer Lia, a friend knows most but not all, my other friends know little to nothing and my husband knows little (i warned him I was broken going into the relationship but he thinks I'm all better now...) My other family knows nothing at all.