*Cuddles Helen* Are you feeling any better now? I hope so .


I'm just sat at my P.C. Staring at peoples animated Sigs / Staring into space . I cut , although not at all seriously , I'm not at all happy how it looks , I want it to be worse how crazy does that make me sound?! I'm Numb still . *Sigh* sorry I'm such a useless ward-mate latley.

EDIT:- Hey Heather I Spot you :) *Hug*

that doesnt make you sound crazy at all mark [unfortunately i know exactly how that feels ><]

im... i dunno. full and feel like every item of clothing i own looks horrid on me and wanna go for a walk but its still pouring and just UGH. is it winter so can hide in sweatshirts please? >.>

*snuggles laura*

Welcome to the ward, Felicia. :) I'm April. *offers hugs* I'm sorry that you're struggling with SI/ED stuff... sounds a lot like me!! :-S

Laura, I'll try & read your r/v in a bit. *huggles*

Hels, how are you? *cuddles*

Crimson, how are you doing? *cuddles & offers some wild strawberry Crystal Light ;)*

Mark *curls up next to* I'm sorry that you cut... I wish there were something that I could do to help. :( I understand "just being" ... it sucks not really having any feelings (well, meaning that in the "are you feeling blah blah blah?" sense, not the feelings as in "have I hurt your feelings?"... if that makes any sense at all!!). Sorry, I'm just rambling now... :( *cuddles*

I spy Heather!! *huggles* How are you, sweetie?

*huggles/cuddles all that I missed*

I'm not feeling much better, although a bit, as it's settled now - once Jarrod ships out for basic training, I'll be moving back in with my parents. A little scary but I think it'll be healthier for me overall. I think. It will at least make sure that I eat/drink and don't just sit around "moping" (or "being a lump" as my dad said) all the time. I'm scared about that though... :-S Prayers/good thoughts would really be appreciated about that. About everything that's going on in my life lately, actually. :-/

The time with my bestie was "meh" at best... :-S I don't know... it was tough to talk because I was so anxious. It really sucked. *sigh* I felt really bad for effectively wasting her time. :(

I think I'll update my r/v sometime soonish... like tonight sometime... it's been a bit. :-X

*extra cuddles to those who need them*

At least I know I'm not alone in it Heather although I'm sorry you know the feeling too:(
9.31pm
Time for bed, I'm not so tired but I just hope I'll get some sleep soon and wake up feeling less low and numb .

I spots me an April! EDIT:- You make sense ,yes :)

*Night-time Huggle to the whole ward*

night mark <3

I'm still low ha.

Night night Mark xx
Sorry you're not feeling much better April *snuggles*

G'night Mark, sleep well. :) *tucks you up into your ward bed* I'm glad I made sense!!

*hides in her hole*

*snuggles Hels back* How're you doing, love?

And I spy a Hels, a Taz, and a Mark-that's-not-yet-gone-to-bed!! :)

*hugs Lia* Not close to my real name as you can tell :) But I was really hyper as a kid, so plenty of people called me the Tasmanian devil. And I just shortened that to Taz. I think it's catchy at least :) PS, I love the quote in your signature. It really speaks to me.

*hugs Nicole* Sounds like a super confusing situation to be in. At least you can relax slightly knowing you have their full support :)

*hugs Jill* It's never a good thing when you have to pass a question on how you're feeling. If you need to vent or anything, my pm box is always open <3 I do hope you're staying safe.

*hugs Laura* I know the feeling with the classes. I'm taking chemistry over the summer (only 2 more weeks! YAY!), but it's super hard to get any motivation. *whips up super motivational cookies and hands out*

*hugs Hels* How has your day been?

*cuddles April* Sounds like things are really rough :( Try to keep battling through it though hun. You're in my pile of happy thoughts :) And I'm sending intra-internet good vibes to you at this very moment!!

*hugs Mark & tucks in for bed* Sorry to hear that you cut yourself. Try not to beat yourself up over it though. And you don't sound crazy at all :) I get that thought too every now and then. Hope you sleep well <3

*hugs Heather* That's the best part about winter :) Big comfy sweaters you can wear and nobody can question you. You're beautiful though - you don't need to hide in clothes :)

*tentatively offers hugs to Felicia* Hi, I'm Taz. Feel free to grab a pillow and join in the Vets pow wow :) And be prepared for any pillow fights.

I think I got everyone... I'm still readjusting to the speed that this thread can take off :P If I missed anyone... *extra special hugs for those accidentally missed*

It's my second day off my meds. I don't know why they put me on meds to begin with. I feel so much better without them :D Or maybe it's a temporary high. Who cares... *wanders off to explode with happiness in her r/v* (just so that nobody needs to read my rambling :) )

hmm i wish i could believe you :/
feel so ugly :s

Been a 'stable' day? Even though I've felt low?? Having a panic attack atm :(

*cuddles Hels & Heather* Sorry, am not much good at the mo for anything else. :( Wish I could help you both more though... :(

I think I'm gonna go update my r/v... :-/

*cuddles Helen till she's feeling better*

Pillow fights? Why would you say such a thing? It's always so calm in here... *smacks Taz with a feather pillow* :P LOL

*waves at Felicia* I'm Crimson. Welcome. :)

Good night Mark, hope you sleep well.

Heather you are not ugly, whether or not you think or feel you are. You are beautiful and we will tell you that as many times as we need to. Resistance is futile :D (had to add that line in lol yes I am a bit of a geek) *huggles*

*deep breath* Ok I typed up my last essay. Just a review of the essays (decided to take you up on the offer April) and submitting them ,one ethics project to be typed up and a proctored exam. If I could take it in front of just anyone non family I'm be able to do that one easy but they want me to find someone non family with a degree to stare at me as I take a final exam. I can't think of anyone but one of the lawyers I work with but that'd be awkward to ask of them I think... We'll see if I can think of anyone. But either way I'm almost done with this crap. GO ME! (in theory celebrating your go me moments makes you feel better... thought i'd explain this now so you guys know why i keep saying that if it pops up every now and again...)
*hugs and plushies for all*
*runs off to get some work done*

Updated r/v... it's kinda long... :-S

I'll look soon.

I spy a Kahlia & April

*hugs/waves at all*

Sorry for the lack of individual replies - 4 pages of posts since I was last in here and I just can't keep things straight.

Really not feeling well. I emailed my psychiatrist last night, and also told him about my SI and su urges because my housemate asked me to. I think my housemate is getting concerned 'cause I'm spending quite a bit of time curled up in the foetal position on my bed, and am trying to do a lot of stuff (like organise my meds) in the dark. He keeps flipping on the lights, and I walk over and flip them off, then he walks in and flips them on . . . until he decides that he's just going to stand there. *shrug*

I guess we'll see what the doctor says.

*cuddles Hels & Kahlia* Sorry you're not doing so well, Kahlia... seems like - per usual, sadly - that a lot of us are struggling. :( Wish I could help somehow... I hope that your pdoc helps in some manner. *extra special cuddles*

*hides in the warren*

*cuddles april* read your r/v.
hope sunday goes ok.

So do I... :-S

Can't focus on WoW, can't focus on reading, can't focus on journaling...

:crying:

*cuddles everyone lots*

Sorry.

Hi all
*cuddles to you all* sorry no indiviual replies, been loads of pages and I'm very drowsy from the hayfever meds I'm dosed high up on, which really don't work, its been such a hard day hayfever wise.

wow its been a good day, my gf is now my bf, they have come out as ftm trans, like me, but not as far along the male spectrum as me, anyway won't get into it not the right place, but yeah very very proud of him and excited and happy for him, I remember the feeling 7 months ago, but its going to be a stressful time for both of us.

I feel like utter **** from hayfever, it really messes with me and feel low mentally wise, mainly trangst I guess

EDIT: I see new people, *waves hi to them* to you like hugs?I believe its Felicia, I'm Oliver, nice to meet you.

*hugs Heather* In that case I'll just keep repeating it in hopes that you'll finally see the truth in it :) You're beautiful and shouldn't change a thing <3

*sneaks up behind Crimson, drops a pillow on her head, and runs off to hide* I don't start the pillow fights, I just spectate :D GO YOU! FINISH THAT ESSAY! Hahaa. I'll be the cheerleader of Vets corner :)

*hugs April and gives her special teddy* I'll go read your r/v in a minute. I hope you're doing okay <3333

*hugs Hels and offers an ear for any venting*

*hugs Kahlia* Sounds like it's more frustrating for you than your roommate to be honest. I'm glad you told your psych about your urges. It's always better to let them know rather than hide it...

*hugs Oliver* Sounds super confusing to me, but as long as you're both happy, that's the most important part :D <3

Side note April: Crying IS a much better option than cutting. And you're right, everybody cries. It's a good release of emotion. There's nothing wrong with doing that. Strength be with you on Sunday <333

Thanks for everyone who welcomed me!

Rehearsal went good today, but I had many epic ED fails.

I ended up cutting. :/ I made it three weeks. I made that doctors app that I've been putting off too. I figure I either go of my own accord or I'll end up being forced to see someone once I end up in emergency. My appointment is for 3PM Friday.

Sorry for no responses to anyone. I gotta run out the door. *cuddles to everyone*

I cut again. And I just keep wanting to do it more and more.
Looks like I'll be hanging around RYL until right before I go to sleep again.
I'll be hanging around if anyone wants to PM or something.

thanks taz and crimson, appreciate it. hmm... it scares me seeing older peopel in group... what if i never get better :s. and... wish was as small as the other people there :/
on a different note, i just found out a girl that was in a bunch of my classes is recovering from an ed/used to cut o_O
so random haha

*huggles everyone*

just quickly jumping in to say hi.
went to a shopping centre today and did okay until my xanax wore off. my housemate bought me some gum to chew (and concentrate on) until we got home.
had another "incident" with my "body jerks" and spilt a lot of laundy detergent. feel really crappy about that. i'm such a waste of space.
still haven't heard back from the psychiatrist. guess he's trying to work out what to do ... i don't know. maybe there isn't anything to do. maybe this is "as good as it gets"
*shrugs*

sorry. *offers everyone hugs and waves at new people*

*hugs everyone then goes to sit in a corner*

*Hugs Crimson* GO you!! I hope you can find someone suitable to do your essay in front of.

*Hugs April * I'll go off and read your R/V thread in a bit.EDIT :- Roots for you in advance of Sunday *ROOT*

*Group Hugs*

*Hugs and sits with Nicole*

*Hugs Kahlia* I hope you hear from your pdoc soon.

*Hugs Jessica* 3 weeks is a big acheivment and your little blip doesn't make it any smaller

*hugs mark* im so confused! my head keeps changing its mind! nothings working out :(

*Enormous hugs for Nicole*

*hides*

Hmm think today's going to be one of those days. Kind of struggling today. (shrugs shoulders)

*hugs* i think it is for everyone, we all seem to have moods together in here, we can have a month where everyones happy and feeling good, and then a month where everyones triggerd and suicidal and generally just feeling crap :(

I'm going for a quick walk NOW or I won't get out of my flat at all today but I'll be back soon *Peeved that I can't comment on youtube for some reason* I Still feel NUMB in all Caps and thats it , I had hope I'd sleep it away but it didn't work Grr
*Hugs Jill*

I gave up my blades.

:-S

I know intellectually this is a good thing, & something to celebrate... but... I'm scared to do without them when Jarrod goes off to basic. *date yet undetermined*

*hides in a hole*

*Hugs April*
I said it on LJ and I'll say it here , thats Massive ! You're very brave :)<3

Thanks, big bro. *cuddles* Just updated my r/v... :-S

*cuddles all* Sorry for no individual replies, I promise I'm not ignoring you!!!

*hugs Mark, Nicole, Heather, Jill, Jess, Kahlia, Felicia, April.. and any other wardies who happened to stop by but just not post*

Not up for individual replies at the moment, but thinking of you all :)

April, that's brilliant! *Huge encouraging hugs!* You're so strong for giving them up, I know it's scary. I've done it a few times in the past and I know how lost you can feel without them. I eneded up getting more, but you're stronger than me and you can do this. I haven't used them in a couple of weeks anyway, it just makes me feel safer to have them, but you can do this. :)

*Hugs Taz* What's the matter? People have a nickname for me too, they call me the ice queen which is kinda annoying but I'm used to it by now and don't really care anymore. I can see why they do it. Which quote in my signiture? Or is there only one. I actually forget. I might go check. Nope, there's two. Which one did you mean? Both of them are from me, they're not quotes. Well, they are, but from myself. I'm not really making sense so I'll shut up. I hope you're ok, you seemed to be doing really well. *More hugs*

*Hugs Mark* How was your walk? How are you feeling? It's good you managed to get yourself out of the house raher than lying in bed. It can really help just do get out of the house or do something to distract yourself. Well done. :)

*Hugs Nicole* What's wrong sweet? How's the moving out thing going? Why are you worried? It is nice when everyone is happy, or even at least on person, it can be really encouraging.

*Hugs Jill* What's the matter Jill? We're all here for you, you don't have to struggle alone.

Kahlia- It's great that you managed to get out of the house and go out without freaking out too much. Don't worry about the jerking, it's not your fault and it doens't make you a waste of space. We all have our problems and it's not anyone's fault, it's just the way you are and you shouldn't hate yourself for it. *Hugs*

*Hugs Heather*- You will get better, you can do this and you won't have these problems forever. We're all here to help you with that sweet. x

MissKitty- I don't think I've spoken to you before. I'm Lia. Hey. I'm sorry you're struggling at the moment. Try not to be ashamed of the cutting, all of us here know the feeling and it doesn't mean you're weak or pathetic. You just have problems and it's your way of dealing. I wish I listened to myself more, the sensible side of me makes so much sense, but I never listen to it myself.

Three weeks is really good Jess. *Hugs* Good luck with your appointment and I hope it goes well for you and you get the help you need.

Get this guys. I'm going to talk about myself.

My friend keeps telling me I have depression...I looked at a list of symptoms of adolesant depression and I have every single one. Except low sex drive and lack of performance in the bedroom, but that's kinda N/A, lol.

I wish she would leave me alone. I don't need her. She's hurt me in the past, she told me I was an attention seeking bitch, that I ****ed up her life and was nothing to her. She said she doesn't care about me and all I ever did was moan. Since then I lost my voice. Not literally, but I lost the one on the inside, the one that says 'help me, I can't do this on my own'. She's the reason I can't open up and she says she's sorry now, she never stops saying it but I need her to leave me alone. She doesn't understand that I can't and won't talk to her, I can't talk to anyone, although I am beginning to be able to open up here.

I'm so scared that she's right and I can't even admit it to myself.

xx

*hugs to everyone* I wish I could reply to you all individually, but I can't right now...

I just woke up to a text from my supposed best friend saying "I want you out of my life. That's all I'm gonna say." I just told him fine. so be it.

I'm so hurt and not in a safe place right now...

*cuddles april* You are amazing! Great job, I'm so proud of you for taking that step. I know its so hard.

*hugs mark* Sorry that you are feeling numb still. Hopefully things will turn around soon.

*hugs kahlia* I wish this anxiety would go down for you soon. Glad that you managed to go shopping though. Little steps maybe?

*hugs nicole, heather, jill and helen*

*hugs lia* its hard when people are there, then leave, then try to come back. I've had that happen to me several times. It ruins a lot of trust. I think that would kind of annoy me that they are "diagnosing" you, especially after calling you attention seeking and all that. Can you talk to them and explain why you do not want to discuss your MH issues with them anymore, or at least not until they show that you can trust them again?

*hugs felicia* I'm sorry that your best friend said that to you. It really hurts I know. Try to hang in there. Talk/vent in here if you need to and it would help.

*hugs oliver* I'm happy for your bf! I know thats a major step for him and for you too. Sorry you have such bad hay fever.

*hugs crimson* well done on completing the essay!

Must be motivated, must be motivated... *gets distracted* (Story of my life right now)
I don't really feel much of anything at the moment, which is kind of a relief I guess.

I could, but it was ages ago. I've forgiven her, I just don't want to discuss issues with her, not now not ever. I can't feel the same way, whatever I do and I really resent her trying to make me. It's just awkward and horrible.

I'm so sorry Felica. He's not worth it, I know that's hard to believe, but he's really not. If he's going to just ditch you for no reason at all, you at least deserve an explaination. *Huge hugs* You'll always have all of us here, whatever happens.

*Hugs Laura* Anything wrong sweet? I'm here to listen if you want me to.

xx

*hugs lia* thanks hun, I'm okay right now though. I just got up a few minutes ago lol (at 11:20am here) b/c i didnt get home until almost 4am last night. So my first 40 minutes of the day have been alright lol

Hugs lia sorry your friends being like that its really sucky.

Can't believe how many epic fails happened to day, some so funny it's was so worth it. Might not be saying it was funny tomorrow tho, but ah well. =\

Hey Jill. What happened? Anything you wanna talk about?

Glad you're ok Laura :) Here if you ever do want to talk though.

xx

*walks in and flops down on the floor*
...so drained...

*hides in corner.*