Those are awesome Julie! I'll take a flower one please :)

i can't do this anymore...

:crying:

*hugs julie* oo yay! cupcakes! Those look awesome.

*hugs crimson, jill and mark,

*hugs april* You can do this hun. I really believe that. Whats wrong?

jarrod and i had an argument. it seems like we never do anything together anymore even though we're in the same apartment day in and day out. (kind of, anyway, when i'm home from my internship.) he refused to play with me on wow as a distraction from cutting and so i went to our bedroom and wrote in my journal and then cut. i feel so stupid. i can't keep going, can't keep living - like this anyway - but i have no one to talk with irl, no one who really understands that is there for me all the time and who won't be triggered. :'(

i give up.

Did he say why he refused to play? was it because it was a distraction from cutting or?

I'm sorry hun. We are here for you though if you need to talk. I know its not the same as IRL people, but we can try. *hugs*

Yay cup cakes, thanks Julie

*hugs to all*

Don't give up April, I know what it's like to have no-one irl and how alone it can make you feel, and I know it's not the same but we are here for you.

Sorry guys I don't think I can do individual replies but I can offer hugs a plenty and to say please keep fighting.

My urges are getting worse and more frequent again and I can't be bothered to fight them. My boyfriend doesn't seem to understand that SI is a problem now and not just in the past. It's been three months, but I don't think he knows about that time. I also can't because I have my brother's wedding in the Emirates in about 2 weeks - 10 days with the family in 40-50 degree heat, it's hard enough keeping old scars hidden never mind new ones, but it makes me want to cut more.

bleh should really just go to bed

congratulations again Kahlia very very awesome

stay safe people, sleep well to all sleeping and hope those daytimers are doing okay

laura, it was because he didn't want to play on the toons on which i wanted to play, and i didn't want to play on the toons on which he wanted to play... so yeah. stupid all around.

i can't keep going. i can't. this is all so damn futile.

Hi Guys, I do not mind hugs :)

April, I am sorry that you are struggling, please please stay strong.

*big hugs to everyone* Sorry I'm really useless at being supportive for everyone right now. I updated my r/v thread. I thought it might stop me from going (more) insane for a bit. I'm gonna go see if I can get some stuff done. Try and get this 'life' thing to work a little better. Or at least so I'll have clean underpants.

*hugs april lots*
you CAN do this, you can. i know you can :)
<3

*leaves cuddles for everyone who wants*

mmm cupcakes *takes smiley face looking one*

Hi all

Those cupcakes look yummy Julie *Hug*

*I'm sorry you argueed and cut April*Hug*

*Hugs Heather*

*Hugs Jessica*

*Hugs Shannon*

*Hugs Hannah*

*Hugs Laura*

*Hugs Crimson*

*Hugs all round* :)

So , I met up with my friend who I haven't spoken to or seen since Christmas day today . He came to my flat and we talked but some was "filler" talk It was little over 1 hour 10 minutes between meeting him and him leaving. It was just hard to know what to say to him at times , just that void of talking ugh . He said in his letter he had tons to say but it didn't turn out that way hmmm deflated

Sorry that your visit was not what you expected.

*offers hug to mark*
sooo im not gonna be around til friday, but i'll try and check my fb messages on dads mobile if i can, sooo if you have me on fb feel free to message =]

beach for 3 days... shoot me nowww.
gonna look gross in a bathing suit surrounded by perfect people =[

going to pride tho so yay bout that... cept cant find anything that actually looks cute ><

*Accepts hugs from Heather*Try and have fun at the beach and pride :)

*hugs everyone* Sorry its not more.. Its pathetic, but it might be all I can handle right now.

I spy April! Hope you are feeling at least a little better hun.

i feel... lackluster. no energy at all. numbish. really want to cut... really, really want to cut. but can't. am still so ****ing triggered though... my arms - my own arms!! - trigger me... i just want to curl up someplace and die.

i'm sorry for sounding like a broken record... it's just how i feel right now. :'(

but the young adult worship service is at our church tonight, so hopefully that will help pick me up... :-/

oh, and i got really triggered by one of the girls i'm "mentoring" sending me an email that had numbers in it... she's down to a really low weight... and it's so triggering, but i don't feel like i can say that, because i'm supposed to be "over" this by now... :'(

*hides in a hole in the warren* :'(

So low, it's unreal.
Why does this have to come back to the surface?
I have more than enough to deal with right now.
*curls up tight*

hiya honey...sorry you're feeling so down... worship service sounds good though...i love stuff like that...hopefully it'll cheer you up. PM me if you need to talk. x x x x hugs

thanks red sky (do you have a preferred name over that one? e.g., you can call me april instead of scarlet/scarletdreamer/etc.). i really do hope that the worship service cheers me up some... it's more of a time to get connected with God than anything else, but i really know that i need that time. anyway. yeah. :-/ how are you??

hels, what's wrong, sweetie? *holds you gently*

off to update my r/v thread for the second time today... :( feel like such a pathetic wreck...

*hugs all*

Feeling .... NQR. My housemate said I didn't smile yesterday. Feeling low, triggered, over it all ... I don't know. Meh.

Hels: Nice to have you back hun. Sorry you aren't feeling so good though.

updated r/v... just for those of you who want to read. :-/

so anxious. so tired. weird combination.

*cuddles everyone who wants cuddles*

*cuddles helen* you're back! I'm sorry that you are feeling so low right now.

*hugs april and kahlia* i'm sorry you are both feeling so badly. I wish there was something I could do to help.

My PM box is always open to any of you if you need/want to talk.

*hugs JK* Not well... how r u?

... I'm so confused, and its getting worse

Sorry I haven't posted til now, did get back in the afternoon but was trying to catch up with lots of things.

*hugs everyone*

Why you confused Laura??

its a really really long story... i dont want to type it all out in here as i feel like it would just turn rantish and i dont want to seem/sound stupid. *hugs*

*hugs Laura tight* I read your r/v hun. Try not to overthink next week, just take one day at a time [I sound like a broken record but that's what I say to myself every day!] I'm going through a break up at the moment too, its been about 8 months of one day at a time now, but I know there will be a day when things will feel OK, I will be a whole single and then I will be able to move on with my life and figure out who I really am without the alcohol and SI and drugs.

Hang in there babe, do something nice for yourself today, no matter how small 'k? You know you can PM me anytime [albeit I have limited internet right now I will check in every morning at the least]

*sigh* its not all about the break up tho.. thats just part of it.. I think I might PM you and see what someone thinks about the whole thing.. It shouldn't be triggering I dont think, I mean, not the problem/confusing situation itself, so no worries about that. Oh and don't worry about getting back to me right away if you can't, i understand that your internet is limited right now.

Just checking in.

*Goes and sits in the corner rocking back and forth, wanting help, but to scared to ask for it.*

*offers listening ear* <3

april, could you ask this girl you're mentoring to not send you numbers? <3

*cuddles everyone*

"hides in corner"
Have got really bad thoughts and bad urges right now. Really depressed and in a bad way emotionally.
"shuts up"

i'm so frustrated and upset and exhausted... i don't even know. last night was okay, but it wasn't what i "needed" - dunno if that even takes priority anymore, over what i don't know. selfish bitch that i am. :'( i just got angry about not being able to stop cutting on my own and how i have to get outside help plus help from God to quit... when i don't even know if i want to quit. gggargh!!!!

plus, daniel crapped on the carpet last night, so jarrod blamed me for not keeping his litterbox clean, and "made" me clean out the whole thing and take the bag of litter to the dumpster all by myself, which is really a 2-person job. i just finished doing that and i am exhausted already. got up around 6:15ish after getting to sleep around midnight. today's gonna be an icky day, i can sense it. and i ****ing need to cut. :'(

feel so stupid. need to die. or something. am so ****ing sick of myself. make it stop, someone, please, make it stop........ :crying:

updated r/v... :'(

just want to die.

I think I will leave the ward for a while, I just cannot be here right now. I am sorry everyone that I cannot help. I appoligize. I really hope that all of you can get better. I am sorry for coming in and just leaving, but I cannot be here right now. I wish you guys all the luck that you need and then some. Please stay strong everyone, you are all wonderful people that are just going through a rough time in your life. *HUGS* bye

*big hugs for April*

*hugs all*

really not doing good. housemate is asking if i'm okay as i'm not smiling and seem unhappy/miserable/upset and i don't know how to answer.

just don't know right now :-(

Ran into Kath G , from Caterering college 12 years ago outside Supermarket today , she had a baby with her , Asked about other college mate they all have babies , partners , she asked what I was doing , , so I was honest "Nothing" . It's sent my mind racing how MY peer group are all of married , haveing babies making a life for themselves and me , I live on income support and houseing benefit and struggle with depresion with no sign of a girlfriend let alone a baby in my life *Sigh* I'm mentally Fuzzy and high-pitched now , I was REALLY low before I ran into her now I'm all over , Why do my peers get to have marriages and kids and not me .......am I SO unlovable , such a failure ? I feel it sometimes.

Sorry that you cannot be in here, Shannon... :( I feel like it's somehow my fault... I don't know. In any case, I apologize in case it was... take care of yourself. *hugs*

Mark, sweet, you're not at all unloveable. You just haven't found "the one" yet... when you do, she'll love you for who you are, no matter what place you're in mentally. *hugs tight* Jarrod has been amazing with me... and I can kind of understand what you mean when you say "why my peers & not me?" because whilst I am married, I still struggle with how friends just a year older than I am (or younger) are already graduated and finding jobs etc., and I am still in uni. It sucks. But anyway, sorry, that was about me... didn't mean to be so self-absorbed. But do NOT tell yourself that you are unloveable, because you are not... *cuddles*

*hugs Jess back* How are you, love?

*cuddles Kahlia* I'm sorry that you're feeling icky right now... is there anything that we can do to help??

I feel awful. :'(

A bit of a mess. Surviving though. And it's been four days since I harmed. I'm not entirely sure I want to call that a good thing right now.

*Sigh*
I'm going to bed at 9pm today .
I've been putting if off for hours.
I'm so low............ sorry.
Tommorow Morning I MUST order more meds , I'm running low. If you see me on here tomorow a wee reminder would be nice lol
Good night wardmates , May tomorow be a better day .

*Hugs Wardmates*

quiet in here... hope everyone is alright..

*hugs everyone*

Hi guys *waves*

I'm triggered even though I had a good day and a nice chat to my boyfriend, don't understand myself at all.

*hugs Laura* sorry to hear things are confusing. Have you tried writing it all down to try and make things clearer? don't be scared about ranting though.

*hugs Mark* sleep well, you're not unloveable at all. I had never had a boyfriend until a few months ago and I'm 29 and my mum was always going what's wrong with you, and saying I was too fussy etc, etc, and I have no idea how it happened and I still don't always believe it, but it did and now I have someone who just likes ME, it will happen to you too it just hasn't yet. You will meet someone who you trust and someone who will stand by your side because you are loveable and you're not a failure.

*hugs Jess* well done on 4 days, sorry to hear things aren't great though, keep going

*hugs April* please keep fighting hun, can you think of any little things that make you feel a little better, photos, a song, quotes, the sun shining, flowers, you're cat when he's being cute?

*hugs Kahlia* sorry things aren't so good, can you talk to your housemate about things?

*hugs silentgirl* do you want to talk about it?

*hugs Heather* how's it going?

*hugs JK* how are you? a day at a time is good advice :)

*hugs Helen* what's up?

*hugs red sky* how are you?

*hugs Julie**hugs Kat**hugs Hayley**hugs Crimson**hugs Oliver**hugs Jill**hugs shadowedsoul**hugs everyone else and sorry if I've forgotten anybody*

ughhh i am so warm... it's so hot outside, it's icky. i think it got up to like 90'f today? in the sun. yuck. i abhor hot weater... and i totally cannot type tonight, for whatever reason. :(

laura, how are you doing? i'm worried about you...

i spy a hannah!! *glomps* :) how are you, love?

mark, i hope that tomorrow will be a better day for both of us. all of us. and i'll try to remember to remind you about your meds - i need to do the same, order some more klonopin. gggurgh.

today's been mentally draining for me and i'm not sure why. probably because of the lack of sleep last night. but i'm low anyway - i don't know why. just am. and really ****ing want to cut. :'(

make it stop, someone, please, make it stop............... :crying: i don't want to go to res, i really don't, make it stop......

Thanks hun, I'm okay, tired as usual and not looking forward to the office, but I only have 8 days left at work and then my life changes again and I'm looking forward to it - yay

I hope you sleep better tonight, sleeping badly makes things so much more difficult to deal with, and probably the heat too if you don't like it.

I really wish I could make it stop, for all of us *cuddles gently*

why don't you want to go to res hunny? I know it's scary but it might help?

res might help, yes, probably would, it's just that it's a 6-9 month commitment and i'm married, so it would be soo hard to be away from jarrod for that long a period of time. however, i haven't even fully applied yet (i.e., i've got 2 out of 3 apps, only one is half filled out though - been too busy with internship stuff to focus on applying)... so who knows if i'd even get in. i'm going crazy though, without much treatment at the mo... i don't know, i just feel so ****ing rubbish. :'(

and yeah, the heat + not sleeping enough probably has summat to do with me being so low. damnit. i just want to sleeeeeeeeep... i was dozing earlier but then jarrod made me wake up, which sucked. oh well. i'll probably be going to bed in about an hour if not less. so exhausted. but of course, who knows... *sigh*

yeah am going to turn the light out shortly too. Told myself I would get to bed by 11.00 this evening, failed again, never mind. Try not to let your head go around in circles, do you have any meditation techniques to help clear your head and help you relax to sleep? A friend of mine made an interesting suggestion today. she's going to get an autoplay of rain, which blocks out external distractions and clears her head.

You've nearly finished your internship though which is really awesome and such a great achievement I hope you are proud of yourself for that.

you've just got to work out if it's going to be worth it for you. If it will help then maybe being away from jarrod for that long will be worth it. I know it's a big decision, take your time, but be brave and put yourself first.

take care and I hope you sleep better tonight *huggles*

*hugs jess* good job on the 4 days. Try to keep it up! You can do it!

*hugs mark* you are loveable. You just have to be patient, it'll happen for you. Oh and since it is almost tomorrow where you are, if you read this- REMINDER: Order your meds!

*hugs hannah* yea I have written some things out. For some reason writing isn't helping me much right now, usually it does.. hm.. Thanks for the suggestion though, I really appreciate it. And Yay for almost being done with your job. Sometimes change is a really good thing. Im sorry you are so tired. Hope that you slept well.

*hugs april* I'm sorry you havent been sleeping well. It can be so hard to sleep when its so hot out. I lived without a/c for part of last year and it was awful. Keep working on those applications hun. I know that you are worried about being away from jarrod for so long, but think about how good it will be for the both of you if you are able to work through something.

My mom was admitted into the hospital earlier today. Shes been having problems for a few days now. I've been kind of distracted all day with that and the other things rolling around my head. I think it might have affected my work a little bit tonight, I was kinda slow... which isn't good. I also think i tried a little too hard to seem happy b/c i talked an awful lot which is a little uncharacteristic of me.

Ugh!!!! I don't know what the hell is wrong with me, I woke up this morning, burst into tears and it won't stop, the worse thing is I have got no idea why. Damn it just feel *shrugs shoulders*. Damn it I could loose my job, part of me cares and part of me doesn't. Just want this to end now, really had enough!!!!curls up =[

*huggles all who want & can accept hugs*
*leaves safe care packages for everybody*

really low right now. really triggered. triggered by neighbour bitching about how fat she is and how small she was when she is only tiny. she's always going on about how tiny she is/was. now she keeps giving me numbers - weight (kgs), bmi, cals, everything... i'm sitting here this big huge lump who got made huge by medication those stupid doctors force fed me and all i want to do is scream and give in to the ed urges.

*runs and hides away in shame*