*hugs/waves at ward-mates*

Hello all. I have the psychiatrist in the morning so I'll be heading off to bed soon. Hopefully I'll be able to crash out without too much trouble. Really hope so. Last night was hard to deal with. Still kind of getting used to things, and wondering how I used to do it. *shrugs*

thanks you owen i feels better stiting here

kahlia: *hugs* i'm afraid my memory isn't serving me well today, so even if i go back and re-read i wouldn't be able to retain the information. what happened last night hun?

why wont anyone help us!! we want a psychiatrist, but noooooo, we're not special enough!! we dont matter!!

*cuddles all and waves to those who dont want cuddles*

sorry, sorry, sorry I am being so bad at individual replies, I feel so bad, I promise they will happen again, sorrrrrrrrrrry.

loads of people asked why I'm angry with my horn teacher, mainly because in horn class yesterday she kept going to refer to me, pausing stumbling and then just calling me first horn, while everyone else got names and pronouns, it really gets to me. and found out that someone in college outed me to someone who didnt know I was trans and just thought I was male, I better dash, I've got loads to do, got to do new passport and driving licence forms, go to counselling, then view a house with a friend and then youth group, I shall be back later where I SHALL do individual replies.

*Hugs Rosie if OK?*

Hi Sarah I don't think I've met you ? *Waves*

Aww Oliver that sucks , I'm sorry :( *HUGS*

ooh can i play owne? *hugs mark* hugys are nice

Hi Mark no, i've not been here before, had no desire to either. But i think it's about time my voice was heard to, i'm tired of not being listened to.

i'll watch.

Oops I didnt hug you Kat *HUGS* sorry :S

*Hugs Owen if ok*

it's half past midnight

Julie perhaps you should try and get a little sleep ? Aren't you tired ?

Hi Doikers I sees you!

*Hugs to those that need want them, and waves to those that don't*

Sorry haven't had the chance to catch up. Just thought I would drop in and say hi to all.

i no i should sleep....

Hi Julie offers *Hugs* Hope you get some sleep.

I Spot MID back!!*HUGS*
Spots kahlia too *Hugs*

I have a new mobile , my old one broke , then I orderd the new one then my old one worked again , today I have my new one with the old SIM in it , it's like learning a new langauge , it even has a camera in it! I love my old phone , I knew how to use it and knew the ring tone :S

Sorry just had a memory lapse. Hi Mark. That sounds like fun. It is always interesting to find out how to use a new phone.
*Hugs back* Thank you.

I spots Kahlia too, Hihi *bear hugs*

Sorry got to head befor my bum gets kicked for being online after hours. Bugger!

*Hugs to all if you would like them*

i spy a helen. *hugs*

julie, i think you need to sleep. *cuddles* do try.

*cuddles self* hmph

Ugh all my motivational Text that people sent me over the last few years and I saved must be not on the SIM because they are not on the new phone , bit bummed out about that :(

So many posts since earlier :O *offers cuddles to all, if not waves*

*curls up tight* :'(

You could always put your sim back into your old phone, move them to sim card and put it into your new phone & there they shall be? :D

mark: aww, that sucks *hugs* I really feel sorry for you. I'd hate that.

helen: I know, i can barely keep up, what with dealing with hazel-gracie-bumps too. *cuddles* how are you hunny?

Brilliant idea!

*cuddles Kat* If that's okay? What bumps sweeetie? I'm really really struggling. My best friends are. Is it selfish that I fear being all on my own tonight?? Hopefully won't be. I can't cope lol :'(

*Cuddles helen back* lol sorry, that's my daughter's nickname, hazel-gracie-bumps. lol. I'm sorry that you're really struggling, *cuddles* I dont think it's selfish of you to fear being alone tonight, I think that's a reasonable fear, and one you are entitled to have. But i hope you wont be alone too. Is it being alone that you can't cope with?

Hi everyone.

*cuddles Kat* Aww that's a cute nickname :) It's looking like I will be alone. But one of my best friends has come on now, so can't complain too much I suposse. I hate being on my own, think it relates to things that have happened in my past. I hate it when I'm more stable, let alone in this state :'(

Hi Lindsay. How you doing sweetie?

Hello Lindsay. *huggles*

*snuggles down onto a pile of duvets*

Hels: I'm glad one of your best friends has come on. It's good to have someone to talk to. Do you know what it is about being alone that gets you? I'm not much good at being alone either, i'm not too confident about doing it. but now jack is working shifts full time i don't get much choice in the matter, and i need to rely less on my mother, before i find i'm under her thumb again.

i spy a taz *hugs* how are you?

*hugs Helen* No rush for a response - focus on yourself first :) I know what you mean about being alone... although whenever I’m around other people, I always wish they were gone. Weird...

*hugs Kahlia* Aw hun, I’m sorry your DID resurfaced :( Fingers crossed your psych helps you out <3

*hugs Laura* How have things been with you?

*hugs Vikki* Not a problem. Welcome to our safe place :)

*offers hugs to Julie and Owen* combat fitness sounds pretty cool :) Glad you’re enjoying it

*hugs Heather* How’re you doing?

*hugs Mark* I always hate getting new phones just because it’s a pain in the ass to try and figure them out :( Sorry to hear your motivational texts disappeared.

*hugs Kat and Rosie and Sarah* I hate when that happens :( Put so much effort into a reply to see it disappear. Sorry to hear about your operation. It’s probably for the best though <3 *waves hi to Sarah* I’m Taz :)

*hugs Oliver* Maybe you should speak to your horn teacher about it? It must suck to be in that position, but maybe he/she doesn’t know how to address you? =/

*hugs April & Nicole & Lindsay and any other wardies who want them*

*waves to Kat* I'm alright. In an oddly good mood... almost seems like it's too good to be true, and I'm just waiting for the crash. But for now, I'm trying to get tons of stuff done because I know if my mood drops, I won't want to do anything. How're you?

She's gone, but it was good to talk to her. Even though it was really sad lol :( I think being alone makes me feel like I am alone, if that makes sense?? I'm so scared of everyone just walking out on me forever. Plus I felt at school particularly if you're alone, makes you an easier target for bullying & stuff :( Being alone sucks. *cuddles tight*

Is it bad that I forgot I need to reply to your PM :/ Oh deary me. Being alone sucks. Oh I've felt like that at times aswell. It's deffo weird..

*curls up and cries* I actually keep crying a lot in real life too. Lame :crying:

yeah, after the gallstone pain attack i had last night i think it is the bes

hi taz. *hugs* i have to go. kat's in charge. bitch.

*squishy hugs Hels* Not at all hun, don't worry about it. I'd rather you focus on trying to help yourself. If PMing me isn't in that plan, it's fine :) *offers plenty of extra soft tissues* sometimes crying is a good thing. Why you crying though? :( I don't like to see people cry.

*hugs Kat*

*hugs ward* I've got a to-do list today with 10 things on it, so I probably won't be on until later tonight. Really want to challenge myself to see if I can keep my focus & motivation going all day. I'll be thinking of you all, and hope you're taking care of yourselves <333

oi, shove off sarah, dont call kat a bitch, that's nasty, 'specially as she's letting you out instead of locking you up like shadow.

Helen, Taz and everyone: sorry.

April: I'm not OK. At all. I feel weak, harmed, hurt, tired, drained.

Check r/v thread. It's about Tom's response to a SH question. I feel like just plain killing myself. But not really.

Yeah, that makes sense. I find it makes me feel isolated. like there's nobody out there and if there is, they just dont care. my phone keeps ringing, but it's nobody but credit companies after money i just dont have right now. *snuggles into your cuddle* mind if i stay here a while? I just dont want to be alone at the moment, and this is the closest I can get to company right now. It's not lame to cry *squeezes* it's natural. I'm crying too, well at least I am inside, my icewall stops me from physically (spelling?) crying in certain situations, and being alone with hazel is one of them.

I seriously apologise about their little outburst back there. Sarah is running a bit out of control at the moment, and baring in mind i've only just 'met' her (worked out her name and age etc), I'm a bit 'loose' at the moment and not good at holding all of them back. I'm struggling to keep 'shadow' locked up, and i'm struggling to cope with having opened the floor to everyone so to speak. i'm so scared i want to block everything from happening, i just want to refuse to let the come through, but i can't stop them anymore, i can't hold them back all the time. Rosie and Amy are really good because I communicate with them all the time, (don't ask me how because I dont know either), but sarah i just dont know, she just added herself to my list down there v v v and voila she's letting herself out. *cries* i'm lost and confused and now i'm rambling, but it's the first time i've let these feelings out. i'm frightened.


Edit: Lynx, i'm sorry you're not doing great *hugs*. wish i had better words.

*squishy hugs back* I will PM you back in a little while, right now I'm struggling just writing posts. But I need to...don't want to be on my own :crying: *accepts tissues* Crying is a good thing sometimes indeed. I just keep crying about everything, it's tooooooooo much. I don't like seeing people cry either...heh :( Hate when my best friends cry, though I never see them cry (well have seen one cry a little in person) but it still breaks my heart :( Good luck with your to-do list :) <3

I'm glad it makes sense. Loneliness does make you feel isolated, it's annoying :( I keep getting phone calls too, but not from my best friends or my sister (well one of them, although she does keep calling too) and it scares me as it comes up with private calls so I dare not answer :( You may stay as long as you like, there's no rush. *holds you* I don't want to be alone either right now. It sucks. *squishes* Yeah crying is natural. I know what you mean about not being able to physically cry.

You don't need to apologise about the outburst, is it a good idea to hold them back? Sorry if that's a stupid question, I don't know much about alters & stuff so don't really have any useful advice :( I can understand wanting to block everything from happening, we all feel like that at times. I do right now :( Am glad Rosie & Amy are good & communicate with you somehow :) Sarah might turn out to be nice but just needs to let her emotions out or something right now? *cuddles you gently* I'm not surprised you feel lost & confused. You're not rambling but I'm glad you're letting it out. *cuddles again*

I haven't seen my therapist in over 3 weeks!
She called me once but I couldn't talk because I was busy, so she said she'd call me the next day.
And she didn't.
Does she not care?? For all she knows I could be dead or in hospital or something because she knows how unstable I am...
I'm not very happy with her.

Maybe you should ring her back sweetheart & see what's going on?

your cuddles are so nice helen *sinks into them* i feel like such a wreck, i can barely keep tabs on what's going on, i have to read back over this all the time just to know who i am and what i'm saying (if that makes sense?) I don't know anything much about altars either, i've never had any help, i'm just kind of muddling along with what i've learnt from seeking help online. pretty pathetic really. thing is, when i'm me, like now, i feel like i'm making them up, that they dont exist, but if they dont exist, and i'm not ill then i must be seriously ill..right? you know what my trouble is? all my life i've never known what truth is. what reality is. everything I think i know, i second guess and destroy my knowledge. I analyze and over analyze until i just dont know who i am anymore, and i don't want to do it anymore. I just want to be ignorant for once and go back to wondering why my life was ****, instead of having found answers.

*huggles kitkat* that's not good, maybe she's just really busy and not had a moment. I don't know. I think you should follow hel's advice.

*fiddles nervously*
I hate calling people. I just... It makes my heart beat really fast and my breathing go all funny.
And I'm nervous about seeing her and stuff, last time I saw her she looked at me like she'd given up on me.