Hope you're okay x

im thinking of u. please keep fighting, im sure things will get better but i also know how u feel. it is not relief u feel is is despair that nothing is going to make u happy. u just haven't found it yet. please keep us posted xxx

I'm alive, if that's of any consolation.

*big hugs*

Prescription wasn't ready tonight. Will be tomorrow though.
What will i do with so many tablets?
That emotion, that feeling, is still very much on the surface.

Sorry to dissapoint that i didn't go this morning. I will do soon though no doubt.

Talking to myself. Don't bother replying. I'm apparently an horrendous burden to many people. Who do i trust? I'm sure everyone on here, in real life, is fed up with me. Would be so much better for me to go.

i wish i knew what to say other than what that ex-friend said is sick. how can she or anyone else have any respect for her thinking things like that?

i really don't think people here are fed up with you. from what i've seen you're very much loved and thought about. i hope you can hold that somewhere inside. xxx

p.s. wish my words didn't sound woefully inadequate, and i'm sorry that they do. wish i could help. xxx

I'm not fed up of you hun. I'm sorry I am shit at replying to pms, and that's a reflection on me, not you.

You are not a horrendous burden. That ex friend isn't worth your time.

I really wish I could take the pain away and stop you from doing this, but well, we both know I can't.

I think you are worthwhile, you are a special perosn to me, and I don't want to see you go.

I love how you speak your mind, you don't twist things, you lay the cards on the table. You are genuine and funny (us and our elephant tranqs :) ), and creative. You've been through hell and back, but you're still here, and I think if you continue going you will become an inspiration for many people.

Draw, write, sing, shout, scream, do what you can to make the feeling lessen even slightly. Here I'm not talking about trying to stop you killing yourself, but rather minimising the distress you are feeling right now. Maybe wrap yourself in a blanket, get a teddy, hot water bottle, one of your pets, some good music. Do some nice things for yourself.

Here for you x

I'm so glad you are still fighting. Struggling to find words right now. Going to be away at one of my sister's for a couple of days but please feel free to text me. I will be thinking of you. Take care! *hugs*

Oh I am so glad you're still here, don't let that one person not count for the rest of us who would have let out a sigh of relief to see you online today. In no way am I fed up with you, please, keep posting and talking about what you're going through, I'm here for you the whole way xxx

I want to give you support, but you don't want it off me. But I'm still watching and listening.

Can't do this. I can't. I just f*cking can't.

He won't leave my head. He won't leave my dreams. He won't stop torturing me. And i can't do it. I f*cking can't do it anymore.

I get my tablets tonight.
I need to try and find a way out.
I'm f*cking sorry.

(Copied from LJ)

I can't do this fucking shit. I want him out of my head but he won't go. No matter what i do, he's always there, lingering in my mind, and i can't take it anymore.

Zoe told me James told her he was moving to london in September. Days, weeks, after splitting up, he moved to London to be with this woman.
Together for 16 months and he refused to move in with me. Knew her a matter of weeks and moved in with her.
Was he seeing her while we were still together? Maybe he had to move because she got pregnant. Maybe these are all lies. Maybe they're the truth.

But i can't fucking cope with the thoughts, the questions, the what if's anymore. No one understands how much this is destroying me. As far as everyone is concerned in real life i was over him a long time ago. But how can i be when he's always fucking there??

I've tried so hard, really i have, but he's there. I don't think i've felt this much pain since losing Tamira. Everytime i think i'm ok with it, another wound re-opens and i'm back to square one.

The one person i truely cared about, broke my heart, and broke my trust.

I can't do this anymore. Why am i the only one that understands?

It isn't just him. But right now he's in the for front of my mind and it's killing me slowly.

I want to cry until i can't cry no more. Until the tears dry up. But when i try, nothing comes out, and i don't know how to get whats hidden inside out.
I feel like i'm in a fucking maze and i keep reaching dead ends, one after the other after the other.

I want answers, but i won't get them. I want him in my life, but that won't happen.
I want to hate him, but i can't.

As the days go on, it makes me realise how i'll never be whole again. How my life will never be the same, and how my heart will never heal.
Why live a life i don't want? For others? Why? Because they would feel guilty knowing they could have stopped me? But no one can stop me. It's my life. I was given it, i can take it away.

I won't continue to do this anymore, regardless of what anyone says.
I just can't. And i'm sorry for being such a failure.

(Added On Here)

I'm going as soon as i have the opportunity. As soon as i'm alone, i'm out of here.

god please don't! i'm feeling bit like that too but i'm trying as i think there is more to life than this shitty feeling! i have been informed of this anyways, please keep fighting. i know perhaps u won't stop because everyone is begging u but i simply want to urge u to take note that when we die, things maybe worse?! or exactly the same?! noone really knows what happens when we die and this is what stops me from actively pursuing suicide. hope u find a way through this, am thinking of u xxx

Please, Laura, don't.

You can get through this - look how far you've already come, you can do this. Please, keep talking. I'm going on your lj now xxx

Need to shut up. Need to keep my mouth shut. Need to stop burdening people. People are made to care because they feel guilty i'm talking about ending my life. If i keep my mouth shut no one has to care. I can just disappear into the black hole and never return.

What is on the other side? No one can answer that, but i believe there's something and i'm willing to just take that chance. It's what i believe in that counts, right?

Tired. Tired of life. Fed up. Loser. Pathetic, fat, ugly loser.

i wish i could give you a bear hug right now.

Love you too Smeggy.

And you bring up a good point. How, exactly, do i break this "I'm fine" cycle that i've carried from the age of 6? I'm fine. Joke. Laugh. I'm happy.

It's not as easy as letting go. God knows i've tried so many times over the years. Nothing i do works and i really have tried. I was even laughing (or atleast having a smirk on my face) when the psych was here last Tuesday talking about my death and suicide. That's why i believe they all think this is a joke. That i do it for attention. F*ck i promise i don't.

I can't speak my mind out of fear someone is going to post report me. I'm always the one in trouble. Always the one who f*cks up. Never the one who's provoked or slagged off.
What's the point?

I'm so tired. I just chose £170's worth of glasses (Prada - with bling bling on the side) and all i can think of is "I look f*cking ugly in them - disgusting fat cow". How i won't get much wear out of them, because by the time i've saved up, i might be gone.

I'm just talking to myself. Ignore me please.

And thankyou again for those who have supported me.

how are you today?

Hey Laura, would love to see your new glasses - perhaps you could post a pic of them on the picture board.

Thanks for all your support recently, what would I have done without it? I need you in a selfish way because you help me so much. I want you to realise what a kind, caring person you are.

Keep posting/pm/texting me.

Thinking of you!

still thnking of u laura. hope your ook xxx