It's okay darling *cuddles*

Is it? i feel like i shouldn't be feeling bad, that i should be keeping it all hung together. i feel like i've fallen apart but i just cant stop to take the time to undo the sellotape and collapse for a bit, you know?

*Hugs Kahlia* 20 months is HUGE , I'm so pleased for you thats quite an acheivment :). Whats are rambutans ?
*Hugs Helen* Well Done on 2 months , thats awesome :)
*Hugs April* You'll do this , it will all be ok :)
*Hugs Kat*
*Hugs Julie*

*hugs doikers back*

Hi Kat , You can call me Mark :)

Ok, thanks for the hug mark. Wish I could say something more. But i don't know what i'm feeling right now. What about you? *grabs a duvet and snuggles down in a heap on the floor*

I'm just pretty numb Kat , *sigh* I don't know how I feel either. *Returns to his corner*

*cuddles you both*

I see a Laura

*frantically rubs eyes* *picks up duvet and walks over to the corner mark is in* *stands fiddling with duvet* wanna talk?

Sure I could use a friendly person :)

*cuddles helen back* I think i feel overwhelmed by life, restless and fidgety and lost in numbness, but my emotions wont work *flomps into random space on floor*

friendly i can do. lets do random. what have you done today mark?

Today not a lot , I fell asleep on the sofa in front of my whole family lol . On Friday it was my new Brother in laws birthday so we went and looked at Hereford cathedral and lunched out as the car had to be seen in Hereford. I've been staying at my parents since thursday night so as to be here for my bro in law's b'day, apparently they don't really celebrat them where he is from (The Gambia) so it was his first with all the gifts and cake and stuff . How about you ? what have you done recently? :)

*throws some confetti around for kahlia and helen* great job you guys!

*cuddles april* I agree with helen, please try to breathe. You can make it. I really believe that. I'm sry things arent going your way right now and that you are stressed out, but you can do this.

*hugs mark* It does make sense when you say that you don't know how to feel. I get like that sometimes... its not a lot of fun.

*hugs kat* I dont remember if i said welcome or not earlier.. if i didn't, Welcome! *hands over some welcome cookies*

*hugs julie*

*hugs JK* I was wondering where u went! lol. I'm glad that you were having a good time. Hope that you get to stay in a good place for at least awhile.

*hugs oliver* how r u doing now? Hope you are alright.

*hugs everyone else hiding around the ward*

I HAVE to concentrate today. I need to get stuff done. Trying to keep calm. I wish i could just sleep forever. That would be nice.
*finds a corner in the ward to do work in... but still close enough so that i dont feel lonely*

*cuddles everyone*
sorry for lack of individual replies, i'm feeling nervous about school tomorrow.

Why so nervous Nicole ? *HUG*

*hugs mark* i get major panick attacks at school. i hate it, cant wait to leave

Oh I'm sorry Nicole :( are you leaving when you get your GCSE's done over with?

Hi Kat *waves & hugs* I'm April. Didn't read a few pages back when you came in, wasn't up to it at the time... but welcome. :) I understand that feeling of not knowing how you're feeling - frustrating, huh?

*cuddles everyone*

I'm doing a bit better now, but still in a crappy mood and don't know where to go with uni stuff. I really don't want to have to focus and get stuff done... just want to play WoW, read my books, and relax!! but no can do... at least, not really. I can do those things each for a short period of time between doing work, but... not really much other than that. :'(

I just want to sleep... am so exhausted. Had a huge lunch (well, it felt like it was huge!!) and wanted to purge soo badly after that. :'( I hate struggling so much... I just want to feel better, is that too much to ask?

*hides again*

*skips around the ward, waving magic rainbow wand to pass out happiness*
sorry just had a great day, we went to a museum and then ate our picnic in there because it was raining, I think a lot of people hated us, cos someone had a big gay pride flag round there shoulders and a few couples in the group, some people gave us death stares, but it was a fun queer day.
its been 4 pages since this morning and I've got a headache, read most of it, but looking at the screen is making my head worse.
*comes round and hugs everyone and offers a hot drink of their choice*

*cuddles everyone*

Nicole, hope it goes well. We'll be there in spirit holding your hand <3

wow 7 pages in 52 hours, been a busy ward! I've got some reading to do...

*goes around the ward checking up on the latest gossip*

mark: I had a boring day at my parents place after going to church this morning. I'm tired and headachy, and sorry I didn't reply for ages, my baby girl needed dinner. *rubs eyes* I so need to stay and recover for a bit, but mother-hood calls and I've got to take muppet and hubby home. Might be back later tonight, if not tommorrow I'm sure. Talking to the curate about our marriage tommorrow, so sure to be emotional. *hugs everyone*

I spy an Oliver, a Hayley, and a Laura!! *tackle hugs*

Hehe...

Laura, I hope that you manage to get your work done too. I'm struggling so much with mine at the moment... :-/

Oliver, so glad that you had a good day. :) You deserve to have MANY good days... so I hope that you manage to retain a bit of today's happiness for awhile. Maybe take some and put it in a large jar and take little bits out when you need to smile? :) (too bad it doesn't work like that... lol)

Hayley, yeah, there were like 3 pages in 24 hours or something like that... utterly crazy (no pun intended!!) how fast this place flies!! :D I love it though... :)

*cuddles all and goes back to working on her paper* *gag* :'(

I'm going to remember that I don't exist

*hides even more*.

Hels *finds and cuddles* What's the matter? If it's me not spotting you at the bottom of the page, it's because of your invisibility cloak!! *more cuddles*

*hugs everyone*
mark-no, i'm staying on for sixth form if i get in, it's gonna be hard, but i think it will be easier to do now than having to go back to school after a few years off
helen-thankyou sweetie, i will probs need that lol.
april-sorry you're feeling crappy, hope you feel better soon
*hugs everyone missed*

*wipes brow, sits down and contemplates* wow, thats me all caught up! Too much to respond to, I'd miss another 7pages if I said all that I wanted to, but I have to do this.....

*grabs Kahlia and Helen by the wrists to get up and do the "free milestone celebration boogie"! 20 months and 2months respectively, go you gals! *extra special huggles*

*whizzes around ward in all the corners and hiding places to give everyone some huggles*

I made it to Eoghan's gig on friday night, then had a mental family day yesterday in which I had to wear my sisters dress (yuk - oh yuk for the dress, not my sister!) for a photo thingy. Anyhoo, did far too much and have been really poorly with my M.E since. Not too sure what I'll manage tonight, but I'm thinking of you all and wishing that I could hold you all tight and spread hope and positivity.

*cuddles April* That was part of it. I'm just being pathetic :'( People keep ignoring me. The very few people I told about today ALL forgot. Two have a good excuse but hmm. Doesn't matter. I don't matter. I should just **** off & die. =)

*cuddles Nicole*

*cuddles Hayley & joins in with dance* Sorry your ME isn't behaving at the moment sweet :(

I've just made some porridge with chocolate rice milk - its suitable for vegans and nutritous, and lots of other good thingys...anyone want some?
*offers round choc porridge*
*munches on her own porridge*

I think I'm going to update my journal, I've not done an entry in about 3weeks now as things have been so up and down. Just not too sure if I can manage the concentration of typing and if my eyes can cope with the laptop glare. I may have to find a different activity tonight. Which is a tad annoying as I wanted to catch up with all you guys properly and also play on WoW. Hey ho...I mustn't let my M.E symptoms drag my mood down...I must enjoy my sane days....

*continues munching on porridge*

I had Dinner Hayley but can I get some porrige to reheat tomorrow?
I'm Going to try and watch SAW 5 now , something/anything to take my mind off , well my mind.
I'm a vegetarian Hayley , one step away from vegan I guess , or maybe one step closer towards it , I'm always reading food labels , I can't have what powder ,its in SO MANY choccy bars but I should'nt eat them anyway , I Have put on weight again , back to my diet tommorow.:S

*curls up*

Aw Hayley, I wish I liked it or I'd eat some with you. Be kind to self.

*curls up with Nicole* What's up darling? Tomorrow? *cuddles* Try not to think about it x

*hugs helen* uhuh. i hate school. why am i bothering with it??!!

Because you need it to set you up for life :) It's almost over darling xx

okay, so i have to do the next couple of weeks, but why do sixth form? why not just find a job in a supermarket and be done with it??

Well if that's what you really want then fair enough :) But 6th form can lead to more opportunities for in you, to achieve your dreams...Whatever you want to do, just makes sure it makes you happy & stuff.

*cuddles*

Hels, honestly, I really didn't spot you. 'Else I would've mentioned you :) 'cause you're a very good friend of mine. *cuddles* And yes, congratulations on the 2 month mark!! - I'm so sorry that people have forgotten or ignored you... you deserve better. :( You're not being pathetic, either. *holds you gently and rocks*

Hayley, I'm sorry that your ME is acting up... hopefully you can stay up a bit and play some WoW... that might help you forget how you're feeling maybe? And what's porridge? kind of like oatmeal? Sounds delicious, so sure, I guess I'll try some. :) Speaking of WoW, is your toon past 20 yet? I hope you get to enjoy some more dungeons soon!! *cuddles*

*cuddles Nicole* I'm sorry you're so upset over school... it is a ton of stress, I gather, and I don't blame you for being upset. I'd say keep going though, if you can manage it, then maybe you can take a break and figure out if you want to go to uni or not? Sorry if that's dense, I honestly have no idea how UK school systems work. >_< Here you go grades 1-12, then college/uni (they're the same thing, basically) for 2-4 years. What degree (Associate's or Bachelor's) you get is based off of how long you go to uni/what program you're in at uni. Then there's grad school, to get your Master's or PhD. :) Hopefully that made sense...

*cuddles Mark* I'm sure that you're not fat, you didn't look it in the pic you shared with us!! I'm the one that's fat... and please be careful with your diet, don't go "crazy" with it (lol, sorry, no pun intended!!). Just eat healthily, if you can... I used to be a vegetarian but found it too difficult to get enough protein. So I stopped - after 3 years!! It was weird to go back to how I used to eat... at first I would only eat fish then extended that to chicken then to everything, basically, although I refuse to eat any fast-food meat except chicken. Well, should refuse that too, as fast food is awful for you. (I just watched "Supersize Me" in Health Psych... *gag*) But anyway... sorry for the ramble. :-S

Sorry if I missed anyone...

*hides again* :'(

yeah I wish we could do that April, keep happiness in jars.

I will reply to individual people later, sorry I need to do work and then go into college and practice. But one good thing, just got off the phone to my mum, just a general chat, but we talked about me being trans a bit, cos she was going on about if I've got my DJ for symphony orchestra sorted and was saying let me know about anything that goes on, so told her I wanted to get my deed poll done, document to get your name legally changed, she said she has been thinking about it and said she is fine with me getting it done, even if she is still trying to find a way around telling the grandma's.
Anyway must go and work, will be back later to reply later.
*sprints around ward giving supper fast hugs, then runs off to work and practice*

April, I know you didn't darling. *cuddles* Thanks for the congratulations.

Why is life so **** && unfair??
Ugh plus people keep refusing to acknowledge my emails/messages, why do I even bother?? Maybe they're not interested anymore :'(

I wish I could answer that question, Hels. :'( I wish I knew why it was **** & unfair too... that question's been plaguing me for the longest time. Well, we care here... *hugs gently*

I'm so sick of life. I just was on WoW for a bit, played around with my husband on it, and that made me forget about tomorrow... which was good. But now I'm back into the "real world" and I HATE IT!! :'( I'm so scared that my talk will be hideous... that I won't know what I'm talking about and that it'll be obvious... etc., etc., etc. And my paper... I have no idea what to do with it.

:crying:

*needs hugs* :'(

*hugs everyone lots*

Sorry guys, there's been 3.5 pages of posts since I was in here last night, so things are a bit sketchy in my head. I do remember being asked what Rambutans were though so .... basically they are a relative of the lychee. The skin is reddish and covered with fleshy, pliable spines, they also have a seed - so yeah, a pretty close relative of the lychee. Still a tropical fruit.

I'm sorry that so many of us are struggling just to get through at the moment. I really wish that I could make it stop. *sigh*

*wanders around the ward offering everyone hugs and cuddles then sits down in a dark corner and tries to disappear*

Mmm that sounds kind of tasty, but what's a lychee? (you guys have such weird fruits down there!! lol... :P) Do you have apples and oranges too? or do those have to be shipped down there like bananas have to be shipped up here? sorry if that's a dense question... :-S
But anyway, how are you doing, Kahlia? *cuddles* Not so great, I take it?

I just finished eating supper... am so sick of eating. I do it too much. And I am so sick of life. But what's new?! :'( I'm so worried about tomorrow... am not prepared at all and am hoping that with the free hours that cancelling tutoring gave me, I'll be able to feel at least mostly prepared. :-S

ARGH!!! :'(

April: A lychee is: a tropical fruit that looks like this. They grow in the state I live in, as do mango's (which I can't eat as I am allergic to them). We do get and grow apples, oranges, bananas, pears and so forth, but also import fruit as the seasons dictate. Lychees unfortunately have a really short season ... otherwise me and my housemate would constantly be attacking them. They are really refreshing - very juicy usually.

*cuddles everyone*

Helen - im so sorry that you feel ignored today. I wish life was fair too.. I've been thinking about that an awful lot lately. *hugs*

Kahlia - WHOA! that lychee thing looks so strange! lol

April - Good luck getting prepared for tomorrow. I'm sorry if i sound like a broken record to you, but just remember that you are almost done! *hugs*

*hugs oliver, julie, JK, mark, hayley, crimson, nicole and anyone i'm forgetting* i know there is more.. sorry, i just cant think right now

Finished one paper... onto another. But my brain is started to turn on me. Bad thoughts... *sigh* I wish i wasn't like this.

Laura - lol. Yeah it does look strange. It tastes a little bit like a grape ... a bit more acidic though I guess. They're really nice but they look weird. I should have showed you guys a rambutan! lol They look even weirder. Both very nice though. If you ever get the chance - seriously - try one (of either).


Oh and I forgot before: I'm not really doing all that crash hot. I ended up having to take some Xanax last night, and I'm pretty sure that's the only reason that I managed to get any sleep. And I'm just having one of those "I'd really rather not be alive anymore" moments .. and my head is planning all kinds of nasty stuff. *sigh*

There are days when I would so much rather be dead. I'd just like to have an "easy run" for once. Is that so much to ask? Just one good day even? Can't I even just have one damn good day? Why do I have to always be feeling like dog poo?

*screams*
*cuddles everyone*
*walks outside to the garden, finds a nice shady tree, sits underneath it and starts crying*

Kahlia- yeah that Lychee does look weird, I remember once me and my mum were looking at all the strange fruit on sale in Waitrose, there was a dragon fruit and I think those lychee things, I just stick with strawberries and bananas. *cuddles* no that isn't so much to ask to have even just one good day, I wish we could all have many good days now in here, but I guess we have to be strong and fight through the bad days, keep fighting.

Laura- well done on finishing one paper, good luck with the other. *cuddles* well we in here like having you here, so please look after yourself and make sure you stay around.

April- loads of good luck for tomorrow, your'll be great. *cuddles*

Helen- congrats on 2 months, you should be proud of yourself. *cuddles*

*hugs mark, crimson, jk, nicole, julie and others he has forgotten-sorry*

thought I would post a pic of me, as some of you posted pics.
taken today at the station where we met for the meet.

Oliver, you look different since we last met? But good =)

Kahlia, April, sorry you two are struggling so much. You're not alone in it. I am too :( *cuddles lots*

Just so fed up of being low.

*hugs Helen* probs the haircut maybe? it was quite a bit longer and not gelled so much more curly.
sorry your not doing good, I'm starting to crash now after my fun day.
*cuddles all*

Ah yes, I think it's the hair =) Sorry you're starting to crash but glad you had a fun day :D