*cuddles Oliver* I love Scheherezade by Rimsky Korsakov!! :D Will there be a recording of the concert? I've never heard of any of the others (I mean, I've heard of the West Side Story but never seen it or heard a soundtrack, etc.)... hope it goes well. Just remember that everyone else is focused on other things other than you, most of the time - which can be a good/bad thing to think about - but it can help when you are doing solos or whatever. They're probably not paying 100% attention to you and if they are, they probably care enough about you that they wouldn't judge you or criticize you for making a mistake. :) Does that make sense? Hope so... *more cuddles*

*cuddles Hels* I'm sorry that you haven't heard more from your friend, but hopefully that means that nothing more bad has happened. Will keep you both in my prayers... Hehe, I hate bananas too... never mind how good they are for me, my mum made me eat them when I was little and now I HATE them. :P

Oh, and when/if you send me paragraphs, please include whether or not you are receiving any sort of treatment (therapy, medicine, etc.).

(I hope I'm not breaking the rules... I will change names etc. and anyway, I don't know who you all are IRL and neither will my prof.)

*cuddles all*

Poor April *cuddles* I feel **** naturally. Mum's going to be mad at me probably :(

April~ You aren't stupid just stressed. *cuddles* and I'm feeling better than I was... It wasn't too hard to find the loophole I just had to leave the paperwork and calm down a bit to think about it.

Oliver~I'm sure you'll do fine in your solo. Might want to try imagining you're playing only in front of the people you rehearsed with... Depends on the lighting but when I was in concert choir the lights were so bright I couldn't see the audience so I pretended they weren't there (stage fright issue... kinda funny for someone in concert anything, huh?).
As for your mom making a joke... It's probably her way of coming to terms with your transition until she can fully accept it. She probably doesn't understand how it makes you feel.

*cuddles Hels* Awh, wish you didn't feel ****. :( *more cuddles and a cuppa*

*cuddles Crimson* Yeah, sometimes it just takes a step back from stuff to see a clear solution. Gahh, I have to do that with my senior sem paper... heh. Take a step back to see where it's not tied tightly and neatly together. But anyway... :)

I'm so exhausted. Seriously exhausted. Getting up 2 days in a row at 5am is draining. And I updated my r/v thread with the recentest "drama" (not really)... gahhh... :'(

*cuddles up with April*

Just been out for a walk, was alright. I guess. Just want to know what's going on..

*cuddles April* I'm sorry your exhausted, I really hate feeling like that, will you bebale to get up later tomorrow? Yeah there will be a recording of the concert, its a wind band so its slightly different from the original with flute doing most of the violin cadenza's, but a very good arrangement. You should watch west side story its amazing and the music is just genius.
Yeah that makes sense, I just stress and think everyone will think I'm rubbish if I mess it up

*cuddles Helen* fair enough, if you dont like them you dont like them I suppose. I'm sorry your feeling **** and havnt heard about your friend, nbut as you said no news can be good news.

*cuddles Crimson* yeah, I get really bad performance anxiety, but still love performing and have to do it, I should be ok, I hope

*spies a Laura, a Jill, and an Oliver!!*

Awh Hels... I wish I could give you some good news. :( You've had a rough time of it. IS there anything I can do? *holds you and rubs your back gently*

I just wrote a poem about St. Brid of Ireland. It's pretty rubbish at the moment... but it will get looked at by my poetry prof/friend/mentor and she'll help me revise it. That's my final project for Women & Spirituality - writing poems about some saints - namely Julian of Norwich, Brid, Hildegard of Bingen, Catherine of Sienna, and Therese of Liseiux (I don't know French so I am totally going to butcher pronouncing that name when I read these in front of the class!!). The poem about Brid is actually a prayer - I'm not Catholic and do not really believe in intercession etc., but, well, it just came out the way it came out. :)

Ugh, just heard that it's raining. :(

*cuddles everyone* sorry there have been a lot of posts... i'll try to do individual replies later. Hope everyone is alright.

I have relay for life tonight.. For anyone that doesn't know, its a walk to raise money for cancer treatment and just to celebrate life. We stay up all night (it goes from 7pm to 7am), listen to talks from survivors, and play silly games. I would be looking forward to it but that girl my ex cheated with is probably going to be there, and I havent seen her since i found out and i just feel like the whole thing is going to be weird/upsetting. I mean i think we will just ignore each other but.. *sigh* i just dont want to deal with it i guess.

Laura, sounds fun honey, don't let other people ruin it for you darling *snuggles*

April, I don't think there's anything you can do to help except keep being here? I really do appreciate your & everyone else's support right now. Seriously. *snuggles*

I think I may have a ghost or something in my room...My desk just tipped itself forward (and back) again & yet again...it wasn't because of me :O :|

I agree with Helen, Laura. Don't let other people ruin it for you. I let people ruin Light the Night (A walk for the Leukemia Lymphoma Society) for me last year and I regretted it. This year I am going no matter who does or doesn't support my decision and no matter what is said... If you want to do it, Do it!

*huggles everyone*

*sighs* Just ate lunch, so full, now I want to purge. :'( And it doesn't help at all that I've eaten a lot today already... or so it feels. GAHHH I make myself so angry!!! :'(

*curls up next to lurking Mark* How are you doing? :)

*cuddles Hels* Heh, that's odd about your desk. :-/ I don't believe in ghosts... not really, anyway - I could get into a religious discussion on my beliefs but here's not the place, lol. Have you heard anything yet about your friend? And what are you doing to try & take your mind off of feeling shitty?

*cuddles Crimson and Laura* Laura, hon, don't let your ex's *cough cough* ruin the Relay. It should be a fun time... :)

This afternoon I left Morrisons and I ran into Hannah P , we met last year on the pych ward and have been in touch ever since . WE were both admitted on the same day , both ( at that time ) lived in the same village but had never met , both origionally *Spelling?* from the same English county , Both the same age. The coincidences are freaky , outside of our respective family's we are the only people we both know in this area . SO today we went for coffees , 2 coffees each as usual and we went and walked by the river and sat on a bench and talked . On the ward we were an unoficial "couple" but over the past 9-10 months we've just been meeting up for coffee , we went hiking once and I got us lost :) , the thing is we don't do couple type stuff, we don't kiss or hold hands or exchange valentines gifts ( well I made her a mix CD but she didn't give me a card or anything ) but the way I feel about her is just unbeleivable , I totally love her , I'm IN love with her and I think she just wants to be friends and I don't know how to declare my feelings for her without it ending up with me being humiliated . Wow this may be the longest post I've ever written but I'd like some advice if anyone has any . sorry

Seeing her today has bought all my emotions to the suface , I was THRILLED to run into her :)

Aww Mark, I'm glad you're happy & ran into her ^_^

April, I'm not really attempting to take my mind off things. Well I'm online obviously & watching tv =) Going to make dinner soon :P Still no news hmmm :(

Awh Mark, I wish I had advice for you. I'm glad that you ran into her though... you deserve to be happy like that. :) *hugs* Those coincedences are so weird/cool... but coincedences like that don't mean that you're necessarily "meant" to be a couple. Not saying that you're not going to be or anything though. :) You're good-looking, sweet, kind, and a lovely person - I think that any girl would be lucky to have you as her significant other. :) I do hope that things work out somehow. Sorry, don't have much advice though... :-/

*cuddles Hels* Awh, wish I could play WoW with you and introduce you to it. :D It's such a good distraction!! hehe. Maybe try and distract yourself so you don't get worried into a frenzy? or triggered, etc. I'm here if you need to talk... *more cuddles*

Freaking exhausted... :'( Yeh Oliver, I can sleep in tomorrow, although I really oughtn't as I have homework I need to do. It's going to be awful with Jarrod home for 3 months (he's taking furlough from work, 3 months no pay but still health insurance)... going to be getting up early every day, lol, unless I get used to him leaving the bed without me. :-/

I don't want to go to soc today... it's so effing BORING... :'( And I have to tell him that I have to miss Monday's class as I have a thing I have to go to (got outstanding 4th year psych major, it's an academic honors reception). Blah. And I have to miss again on the 28th as I have another dinner thing then!! this time for scholarships, since I got one and have to acknowledge that I appreciate it, etc. Anyway...

*hides* :(

Hmmmm... let me think on it Mark.

Hmm would anyone mind if I curl up
in one of the corners iam so tried,and
need somewere peacefull and safe.so
frigging tried

Awwww bless you April *snuggles* I ate some dinner, yummy <3

Hi Shadowedsoul ,
*Makes Shadowedsoul some tea*
You'll be safe in here :)

*jumps up & down but remembers she's in pain*

Talking to my best friend. Still in hospital etc. :D Can worry less now.

I am so so so anxious... :crying: ...and I don't know why. Just want to curl up in the corner and never come out. :( I hate being anxious... it's like... WHY ME?!?! WHY NOW?!?! WHY ALL THE ****ING TIME?!?!?

Sorry for the caps... I am really just overwhelmed right now... :'(

*cuddles April gently* try to breathe calmly and slowly.

*cuddles everyone*
sorry for lack of individual replies, but lack of time as internet will go off in 5mins.
hope you all have a good day/night

*cuddles april* try to do something relaxing hun. Im sorry that you are so anxious.

*hugs mark* Im glad that you were so happy running into that girl. You deserve to be happy.

*cuddles helen* Sorry that you are in pain. But I'm so glad that you are getting to talk to your friend. Thank goodness she is okay and that you can worry a little less now!

*hugs oliver, crimson, and jill*

I am trying to not let that girl ruin the relay tonight, but i keep thinking about it.. ugh.. maybe she wont show up.
*curls up for a little while before i have to leave*
I just want all of this to disappear... or maybe i should just disappear.

I can't do this. Not anymore. I can't cope. I CAN'T ****ING COPE :'(

*curls up & cries*

*curls up with helen* you can do this hun. you can cope. what happened?

Crashing, but please cope. Cope talk and have a cry xxx

Still so anxious.... I don't know why... have tried distracting myself, but then ate supper and now feel full and icky. :'( It wasn't a huge supper either... I am so stupid, so idiotic, you all must be SICK of me!! :crying:

My bestie is coming over tomorrow to talk... she's not angry with me... which is really good... but I'm still a little worried about how she said she "really wants to talk." :-/

Bathtime then maybe curl up in bed and get/stay warm? or read for awhile... dunno.

*hides*

*cuddles everyone*

Laura, I'm just really struggling. So much stuff with my best friend (some of it relating to this week) & other stuff. I just want to run & run from it & get away from it for a while. But I can't :'(

*hugs all*

Just.want.out...

I know the feeling Kahlia. Keep going sweetheart. Every minute, hour, day you struggle with this, is that little bit closer to happiness again. *snuggles*

*hugs Helen and Kahlia* You girls are doing it tough huh, wish there was something I could do or say for you both that would actually help. You are both such lovely supportive people and I thank you for hanging round with us lot x

Oliver, good luck with your concert, you'll do awesome, you just have to believe in yourself as much as we do ok! *begs Oliver to come play for us on the ward soon*

*watches Laura complete another lap* I'm guessing that you're still out there doing your relay for life, I am very impressed, that's a very cool thing to be doing for others. We have the same thing here in NZ, maybe I'll put my hand up next time *thanks Laura for being so inspiring*

Crimson, its great that whilst I was sleeping your housing issues kind of sorted themselves out. However I was hopeful that with said housing issue you might contemplate the move to NZ more seriously ;)

Mark, hun, unrequited love sucks hey. But with the feeling you have for Hannah P you know you can feel like that, and if its not her it will be some other lucky lady OK? Personally I think you should tell her how you feel, but I probably wouldn't take my advice given I'm now single after a 15 year relationship :D

April, honey, you sound like you are very smart, all those awards and scholarships, and you converse so easily about anything on here. I for one am honoured to have you as a ward mate, and am certainly NOT sick of you one little bit.
And yes, last night they treated me completely fine, cos I lied about how I did it and we laughed and joked and I was my usual charming self. I hate lying, but I'm desperate to stay out of the public MH system here and SI isn't that well accepted here, funnily enough.

I went for a cycle this morning and visited a couple of friends, now housework is calling and I'm babysitting tonight, so apart from being a bit down, very sore, and feeling somewhat sorry for myself, I'm in pretty good shape.

*cuddles each and every person (and puppy) on the ward*

*cuddles with JK*

I really wish I was asleep. >.> Sleep & not wake for a while. Yes please. I wonder if my Mum will wake through the night again. Poor thing :(

*hugs all*

JK: I don't know why, but I got a line from Shrek 2 stuck in my head after reading your post: Oh, you've got a puppy? I wanna smother him in shampoo! Sometimes my head really scares me ...

:D that's a nice wee vision, summer day, bare feet on the grass, wet lathered up puppy shaking his soapiness all over your warm legs as you giggle...hmm my head is also a scary place.

*happily accepts cuddles, waves magic sleeping wand over Helen and heads back to cleaning the bathroom*

*hugs Laura* I hope the relay went well.

*hugs April* I am certainly not sick of having you on here, your lovely and always so kind. I hope you managed to sleep ok last night and that you feel less anxious this morning.

*hugs JK* thanks for the good luck, yeah I'm trying to believe in myself, just starting to get really anxious and stressed about it now, but then I always get anxious before a performance so I'm used to it, but I still hate the feeling.

*hugs Helen, Crimson, Mark, Kahlia*

I'm off to have brunch in a minute, they let us have a lie in this morning as no rehearsals until we get to the venue, but that means a coach journey, I don't travel well and get really anxious and stressed about it,so I tend to sleep on coaches, but aparently I sleep really weirdly and move a lot and last year on way back from concert I was drawn on, although it was quite amusing.

I feel sick, why am I so anxious already, the concert isn't until 7.45 tonight, plus I had 2 horrible dreams last night which are making me feel rubbish.

*wonders off to corner*

*Hugs group* I'm sorry so many of us are feeling anxious and generally crap , *makes coffee for everyone ( Decaff and normal )*

*hugs all*

Wish.it.would.stop...

*cuddles all*

Jarrod & I may be off to the mall in a bit... which will be nice, just some us-time, although my best friend is invited (if she gets the text in time, lol). He wants to look at motorcycles... and I want to go to Hot Topic and see what's on clearance.

He's on furlough now which means that he won't be getting paid except unemployment for the next month, possibly three. Eugh. And then he's planning on putting off college until spring so I have more time to find a job (hopefully - prayers about this would be appreciated!!) and get settled into a new routine. It'll be nice to have him around the apartment more, and not be smelly from work (oil etc.), but I'll have to find elsewhere to SI... although I haven't SI'd at home lately at all. Just on campus.

Anyway. Sorry no individual replies... am exhausted, got up at 5am AGAIN today... :(

*more cuddles*

*hugs everyone*

Oliver, make sure you let us know how you get on x

April,I praying for all of us hun.

* cuddles Mark, Helen, Kahlia, Laura, Crimson and all the other lurking ward mates*

Kahlia honey, hang in there ok?

Love to you all, sweet dreams xx

*cuddles April* I hope you have a good time at the mall, is that a shopping centre type thing?? sorry get confused sometimes with american english. good luck with finding a job, just wanted to say everytime you ask for prayers, I always think of you, I don't pray-am a very strong atheist and actually would really appreciate no one saying they are praying for me, offends me a little, this isn't to say I have anything against religion, its just me, but I think of you and I hope that, that is ok. sorry rambling now

*hugs mark* thanks for the coffee, but I don't like it sorry, but I'm going to have a banana instead.

*hugs Kahlia*

*hugs JK* yeah I will let you all know how it goes, will not be until tomorrow morning though as we get back after the internet goes off.

I'm off in 30minutes, anxious, but looking forward to it as well, because hopefully all the hard work of the week will pay off.

*cuddles all*

*Sends out positive thoughts Olivers way as he should be playing right about now*

I DON'T enjoy anything .
I CAN'T Concentrate on anything.
I eat too much and cut again and yet they are the only two things I want to do more of, it's all I'm good at Eat/Cut/Eat/Cut.
I'm useless.
I'm worthless.
I've had enough of this.......of this life.

Sorry so be so whiney.

*Hides in a dark corner*

*hugs all*

Oliver: I hope the play went well. :) Chookas/Break a leg/etc. The last show I can remember doing was in 2008 - "Thoroughly Modern Millie" - but I used to be heavily involved with doing Eisteddfodeau, musicals, plays, dance productions and Theatre Restaurants in both on-stage and back-stage capacities. There's nothing quite like the thrill.

April: I hope you had a good time at the mall. *cuddles*

JK: I'm trying to hang in ... I really am. But I feel like I'm fighting an uphill battle against a growing mountain of skulls or something.

*offers to sit with Mark* I'm sorry that I don't have any words for you at the moment. If I could fix the problem for you, for any of us, I would. :(

*hugs everyone she can find on the ward*

Thanx Kahlia , I could use someone to sit with , I've been lurking on here most of the day , I just took 2 Diaz's so I am heading to bed shortly,
Tommorow will be a better day , I Demand it !
*Hugs Kahlia*

**** it all.
Please don't let me be right about something.
:'(
*hides*

*hugs JK* i hope that you had a nice time visiting friends and u have fun babysitting tonight.
I liked ur comment about watching me completing another lap.. i walked a little over a half marathon last night and now im very sore lol. Although i feel like i shouldnt be b/c it was just walking.. i guess thats an awful lot tho.

*hugs helen* im sorry that things are so hard right now. You can make it through this tho hun. Hang in there.

*hugs oliver* Good luck with your concert! Sorry ur so anxious, but i bet it'll go great! Let us know how it went.

*hugs april* maybe it'll be good that it'll be harder to SI at home. Maybe u'll be able to slow down or stop altogether. Im sorry ur so tired. Im exhausted too (after staying up all night and all lol).

*hugs mark* you arent being whiny at all. And you are not worthless at all! Hang in there.

*hugs kahlia* im sorry that you are having a hard time right now. I wish i had some words to make you feel better hun.

As i said, relay went well. That girl didn't wind up showing so, it was even better for me lol. Im sore and tired tho. And feel like i wasted a day b/c i slept from 8am to 2:30pm afterwards. I was supposed to get some things done today but i feel completely unproductive.

*hugs dear wee Helen*
*tucks Mark in*
*gives Kahlia the courage to KEEP fighting*
*applauds Oliver's performance*
*is very proud and amazed by Laura's 20 something kms* You need to sleep hun, you haven't wasted a day, you've given of yourself for like 24 hours and the body needs to sleep huh.

*sits quietly for a minute and tries to think of nice stuff*

*cuddles everyone* I'm sorry.

*sits with JK*

Don't be sorry hun. Thanks for sitting with me, kinda need the company today.

*cuddles Helen and continues sitting quietly*

*stays sitting with you, cuddles & doesn't let go*

Thanks hun,I feel better already.

*stays safely snuggling for another 15mins before going to discuss grown up stuff with the ex*