Good morning everyone... *yawn* Am still tired even though I got about 11 hours of sleep last night!!

*cuddles Kahlia* I'm sorry that you slept so crap... :( That sucks. How're you feeling now? I guess it's nighttime where you are... so weird, these time differences!! It takes some getting used to.

*cuddles Helen* I'm sorry that your good mood just disappeared... :( wish I could do something to help but I'm afraid that I can't, not really anyway. Is there? I'm here if you need to talk... ♥

*hugs Ebec* Attempting suicide is NOT the right way to go about getting people to talk with you... I understand how you feel about them not realizing how much in pain you are, if you are SI'ing, but maybe just speak to someone that you know will care and talk to him/her about how you're doing? and be honest? Just a thought... and we're all here to chat with you if you want. Oh, and welcome to RYL. :)

Hi Aimee!! *waves & hugs*

*cuddles everyone that she's missed*

I have to do a "reflection journal post" for today, due at 4pm... I started it and it's already over a page long, NOT double-spaced (typed), and I haven't even gotten to the main part yet!! I must be waffling an awful lot... I hate feeling like I have to do that to get a good grade. I got a 75% (C) on the last one and I didn't even know why. The prof only told me that I needed headings on it to make it more clear. That's it. ARGH!!!! :(

Anyway. I am frustrated right now... just want to curl up somewhere and hide away... :( Hate this life. Want to die. But Jarrod's home today for the day due to it being Good Friday... so I can't really "do anything" ... at least whilst I'm home. :( I keep seeing myself doing something "stupid" on campus though...

Yesterday was a rough day. Won't get into it here except to say that I SI'd in class. >_< I don't know if anyone noticed... no one commented at least.

*hides*

*cuddles everyone*
Anyone up for a nap?
I only got 4 hrs of sleep last night but couldn't miss work today...
*yawns and stumbles off to find a warm corner to nap in*

Mmm nap sounds good.

I spy a Crimson!! :D

I don't think I'll go to tutoring today... I hate that I am such a ****ing slacker but I... don't know. I just don't want to go, and my husband is home for the day, and I don't have any appts. Oh, how I ****ing HATE MYSELF!!!

Oh well.

I need to go hide somewhere for awhile... :crying:

Im about this * * close to a panic attack right now.. I have to call some people out of state for a story that im doing in my science reporting class in a few minutes and i have so much anxiety... I feel like i am crawling out of my skin... I hate phone calls.

*cuddles everyone* sry i will do individual replies later..

*hides.. with my phone.. b/c there is no way i can get out of this*

I'm back and I would like to hug everyone. I'd like to extend a big group hug because I'm really not okay on my own here. Please help me.
S
XxXxX

*cuddles LauraStar* I'm sorry you're so anxious. :( I understand though... phone calls are so difficult.

*cuddles Sefka* What's up??

I'm so tired... :( and anxious too... although thankfully I'm not shaking anymore. That's a relief. It was awful trying to play WoW with shaky hands because I was so anxious. :(

I have to call my old therapist soon because she sent me a bill for the sessions that SHE SAID were pro bono. We can't really afford to pay a lot... so yeah. I don't know. I just wish that someone would take over my body and do all of the things that need to be done, and do them WELL.

:crying:

*rocks back and forth* Please shut up :'(

*holds Helen gently and rocks with her* Who do you want to shut up? (I hope not me!! :-S) What's going on?

*cuddles april* Maybe the bill from your old therapist was just a mistake.. I hope so anyway. And i agree anxiety sucks.

*hugs sefka* Whats wrong hun?

*gently cuddles helen*

Phone call went ok-ish... I just hate them. The only good thing about concentrating on the phone call is that i wasnt concentrating on the rest of my life.. *sigh* back to reality i suppose

I'm tired to April... I think we should curl up and go to sleep petting Puppy Sinclair :)

*huggles, LauraStar, Sefka and Helen*
What's up?

Mmm that sounds nice, Crimson. Is it okay if I sneak Daniel (our cat) into the ward? He's sweet... and cuddly... and a little wild now and then. Just a little wild. ;) (He zooms around our apartment like a... well, I don't know, madman, I guess, when he's wild... lol. A sight to see!! especially when he crashes into stacks of stuff or the wall or a door. :P)

I am such an EPIC FAIL.

can he be a non-allergic cat? otherwise i might get very sick.... lol

*cuddles crimson and april*

Well, considering I used to be allergic to cats, when I lived at my parents' house, and I'm not now... maybe he's hypoallergenic?? :D We can try it at least... maybe, if you want. :P

*cuddles back*

lol I have chinchillas.... most people with animal allergies can be around them... Corgis are good with allergies too :) And both are furry and cuddly.

I like cat's though, so I'd like the ward kittie too. But only if non allergenic.... wouldn't wanna make LauraStar ill. *huggles everyone*

*crosses fingers in hope I can keep from falling asleep at my desk till it's time to go home*

ARGH I want to explode... :crying:

I feel like such ****.

*hides*

*huggles April*

*cuddles everyone lots*

I'm allergic to cats too :( I wish I wasn't, I really want a cat :( Can't have one anyway because of Charlie, my sister's dog but he's awesome..

hey guys *hugs everyone* havent been on in a while, had a bit of a bad week, but im ok now. :D lol,i have 3 cats, two of which are pregnant, and about to give birth any day now...... :/

*cuddles everyone*
How are you doing now Nicole?

*cuddles* im good thanks, bit worried as i have a phobia of men and im home alone but my mums boyfriends coming over soon :/ but other than that im good :D you??

tired beyond comprehension but managing not to fall asleep at work lol

lol. sounds like fun. im on easter hols now lol, then after the hols, back to school for a couple of weeks then go on study leave for my GCSEs :/

*Hugs Nicole , Laura , April ,Crimson , Sefka , Helen *
I hope I missed no-one

*Hides in a dark corner*

*hugs* yikes, im awful with names, whats yours sorry? :/ lol, you ok??

Not sure what we're talking about here, but I'll post anyway >.>

lol Doikers is Mark.

Marina~ We talk about just whatever... good, bad, in between. right now we aren't talking about much though... Welcome to RYL, Vets and the Ward. :)

How is today going for you Mark?

right, *hugs mark*
*waves wildly at katherine* HEEEEY! :D

*cuddles everyone*

Mark, how're you?

Nicole, sorry you're feeling uptight about your mum's boyfriend coming over... thought you said he was a nice guy? but I do understand that not really mattering even if so. Being alone with guys I don't know too well is a little scary for me too. *hugs*

Hi Marina (Katherine?) *waves* Welcome to RYL. :) I'm April.

Am feeling right anxious at the moment... don't want to do anything, eat anything, or go anywhere. Class got out early - thank God, dunno how much more of a debate of the "sociological definition of marriage" I could stand - and Jarrod (husband) came up with drinks for us, a mocha for him and a chai smoothie for me. :) Yum.

I started a new book... well, a few, actually, although I really should be reading for my senior sem paper as the rough draft is due on Monday and I have next to nothing written. :( Gonna be working on that overtime this weekend methinks.

Just need to reeeelaxxxx... :(

*hides*

hey. sorry you're feeling uptight *hugs* he is a nice guy, and ive known him for 5 years :/ but i still feel uncomfortable :/

Awh, well, I'm glad that you've known him for that long & that he's a nice guy.

How're you doing today, other than that?? *hugs back*

Just updated my r/v thread... I am so emo. :(

im good actually :D makes a change for me. but ive had a good day. its ok to be a bit emo sometimes, dw. x

*cuddles everyone lots & lots*

Really struggling :/

*hugs helen tight* whats up hun? you wanna talk? you can PM me if you like xx

*hugs Nicole tight*

Just really struggling. In a really bad place. Think I'm sinking down to my worst point. Don't want to go there. Don't want to be here. I just want to be happy & over all this.

Please :'(

checking in if you will have me !!!!
 

Decided to check in for a while ....
Thinks not going well had to stop all 37 tablets a day cos im pregnant n i havent slept in days n aching like mad

i hate to say this but i really need my tablets back :(


wish i was safe ... need to be safe so much n cant stand this horrible feeling arggggg :(

*hugs everyone*

Sorry for the lack of individual replies but there's been about 2.5 pages since I was in here last night.

I was reading some of the posts above about animals and it made me realise something ...

I can not escape the past, creeping up inside, reminding me that I, can never bring you back ....

my little baby girl (miniature schnauzer) has been gone for almost a year now ... and I really miss her. I'm sitting at my poor excuse for a computer desk and her collar is sitting infront of me, tag and all. I want to put it on my ankle and wear it everywhere I go. *sigh*

Sometimes I just wish that all of this was just over.

*finds Puppy SinClair and gives him a big hug and a pat and then disappears into a dark corner*

*huggles hurt and kahlia*

*hugs Crimson* How are you doing hun?

*hugs Linda* Hun I can't even imagine how horrible that must feel. I just want to offer you some hugs and a listening ear.

*hugs Helen, April, Mark, Laura, everyone I've missed ... I know there are more of you, I just can't think of your names*

*huggles everyone*

Just found out tonight that my parents are apparently back in town tomorrow night after their 'round Australia trip. They left in June last year so it's been quite a while. I've lost a lot of weight since they left and my mother has jokingly been saying that she won't recognise me ... that kinda hurts, but I know she only means well. It will be nice to have "the parental units" home, but kind of weird as well ... I don't know if you get what I mean. I don't think it's really sunk in that they'll be home soon. :S

*huggles everyone then sits down to think*

*hugs fellow inmates*
I'm still at my Parents , 2 more days.
I've put on a half a stone in like 2 weeks * sigh * I'm dieting when I get back to my flat I feel gross and disgusting , ugh.
I don't think I can put off S.I. until Monday , I'm gonna have to sneak off and lock myself in the bathroom and be quick and secretive , I'll be as safe as I can.
I feel really triggered , THAT ball of tension in my stomach plus flat, these feelings that contradict each other yet I feel them at the same time , confusing.

We can all be Emo sometimes April , My CD Collection is proof of that , although I'll listen to most types of music emo has it's place

*cuddles everyone lots & lots*

*cuddles everyone.* sorry helen, my laptop froze last night and i couldnt get back on, hope you're feeling better today *hugs* hope everyone else is feeling ok too.

Not really Nicole. Got paranoia to add to the mix of everything. ****ING JOY!! Just snapped at my mum after having a really good day with her and now I'm crying. Oh hell :( :/

*cuddles everyone*

Im tired of being everyone's back up choice... What I thought were ppl banding around me was really just selfish acts... so i guess that means i am completely replaceable.

*cuddles Laura lots*

I took an overdose today but I can't go to hospital becausemy manager always finds out and she won't let me come back to work.

You really should go to hospital sweetie & get checked out. Sounds like you're possibly not well enough to cope with work right now? *squishes*

*cuddles all*

Welcome to the ward, Hurt (Linda?)... once again, nice to see a new face. :) How're you doing today? That must be awful, to have to go off your pills when you're so used to them... I know I'd have to were I to get pregnant (God forbid :-X) and that would be a disaster... :(

Kahlia, I'm sorry that you miss your "baby" so much - we can get so close to our pets... I would miss my cat so much if anything happened to him. Have you thought about getting another pet or are you just not ready yet? (sorry if that was a dense question) And I'm also sorry that you want it all to be over, although that's completely understandable... you've been through so much. *cuddles*

Hels, how are you doing now? *hugs tightly* Things will be okay. I promise... it will just take time. Do you have anyone IRL that you can talk with??

One_step, I agree with Helen, maybe you're not stable enough for working? Definitely go get checked out... your health is more important than your job even if it doesn't seem that way (which I totally get, although uni replaces job in my case). *hugs*

LauraStar, I'm sorry that you feel like you're replaceable. :( To me, you're not. You're YOU. A very special, loveable, sweet person. Please try and take care of yourself, okay? ♥ *squishes*

Mark, how are you doing now? I hope that if/when you SI, you do manage to stay safe and all... :( I hate thinking of you feeling as desperate as you do, I hate thinking of ANYONE feeling that desperate, including myself... but I understand it. Sadly. I wish that I'd never started SI'ing... It will be 6 years soon since I started. :( And yeh, I suppose it is okay to be emo once in awhile...

Nicole, how are you doing?? *hugs* And anyone else I've missed? (sorry... :-S)

I am trying to write my senior sem paper... at least 10-15 pages by Monday and so far I have the introduction (about a third of a page) done. DAMN IT ALL. :( I hate this paper and wish it would just go off and write itself. :crying: I'm scared that I won't be able to get it done on time... shouldn't have put it off this long I know but it's so hard to concentrate. :( :( :(

Today has been an okay day until now, though. Slept in until 6:30, cuddled with my husband for awhile then got up and played WoW for awhile. Had breakfast then went to a state park near us for a hike. :D It was a lot of fun - the weather is lovely here now. We're going to try and do that hike each Saturday, if the weather is good. It's a steep one but very gorgeous. I'll try to upload some photos at some point of some of the waterfalls etc. that we saw on the hike. :)

Okay, I'd best get back to my stupid-ass paper... damnit I am so sick of it already, and I have to present on it on the 26th. :crying:

*hides*

*hugs tightly* I feel worse to be honest April. I really do :( Least not paranoid anymore about something. So that helps. Going to be a very very lonely night & hopefully a good cry. Seriously doubt it. I need my best friends. But they need me so so so much more, just hope I'm helping :'( Not really got anyone IRL to talk to. I emailed my sisters the other day but I don't think any of them have got round to reading yet. They're busy busy busy ladies. My mum has enough on her plate to deal without me adding to it.