*hugs everyone*

I don't want to play this game anymore ....

*sits in a dark corner and rocks back and forth hoping that she can hold off the tears and that she will just disappear into nothingness*

*cuddles Kahlia & Sparkle* Thanks for the tap routine, Sparkle, it was cute. ;)

Kahlia, I'm sorry that you're still feeling like ****... is there anything, anything at all that I/we can do to help?

Sparkle, how are you doing? :)

I'm... okay. Still really stressed out about schoolwork and also I want to cut... not a good combination. Uni has been REALLY bad for that in the past few years, always have wanted to cut or scratch when I think about deadlines etc. :( It's awful. Torture. I am so so SO thankful that this is my last semester!!!

Figured out the online refill system thingy yesterday, since insurance is REFUSING to pay for meds anymore unless I do it that way. :( It makes me aaangry... but there's not a thing that I can do about it. Grrrr!!! :( Well, kind of figured it out. Still need to learn a bit more about it. *sigh*

Just want to go to bed... daylight savings time was last night/this morning (whichever you prefer to call it) and so we stayed in bed until 7am... unheard of for us, heh. :) It was nice although we both got sore from sleeping too long.

I think I'm going to go listen to Plumb and eat breakfast... and do schoolwork... :(

*hides*

I'm having trouble communicating how I feel.
I feel Down
Alone
Triggered
Disgusting
and I know I know the word that perfectly sums up how I feel I just can't seem to summon it.It's frustrating :S
*Leaves hugs for Kahlia , Sparkle and April*
*Retreats to a dark corner and settles in for the night*

*cuddles everyone*

Hope we're all feeling better, even if only a little???

I'm not. I'm feeling worse, & so is my husband. :(

It's been a rough day.

So ****ing triggered right now.

*cuddles April* Hope you managed to stay safe sweetheart

*cuddles everyone else & hides in the denial tent*

Just need to deny that immense amounts of **** is occuring :'(

*cuddles everyone*

I just wanted to share with everyone that I'm feeling just a little bit better. I think the Topamax is starting to work.

April - *hugs you* uni deadlines are always hard darl. Is it you who likes Superchick? I really like their song Bowling Ball.
Mark - *hugs you* I hate it when I can't find the words I'm looking for
Helen - *hugs you tightly* Sorry, I don't have any words, just lots of hugs

*hugs everyone again, then settles down in the dark*

*cuddles Helen* I hope that you manage to stay safe, too, love. Care to talk at all about what **** is going on? You can always, always PM me. :)

*cuddles Kahlia* So glad to hear that you're starting to feel better!! :D Wonderful news. :) I definitely hope that the Topamax is helping. And yeh, it's me that like Superchick... "Bowling Ball" is indeed rather a funny song. Makes my husband laugh every time (he sings along, which I find totally hilarious!! :P). A good online friend introduced them to me in 2005 and I got to see them in concert in 2006. It was pretty awesome.

*cuddles everyone else* ♥

is so anxious he feels sick, is shaking, can hardly breathe, is crying. can't handle this, sorry *goes to hide in a dark corner*

*cuddles everyone*

Kahlia, I am SO happy to read that post.

April, I may have to take you up on your offer xx

Sorry I don't have it in me today for individual replies just * hugs for everyone*

I'm so anxious , my hands were shaking , less so now I've taken a Diazapam , Still triggered though , ugh .

*cuddles Doikers*

Arrrrgh!!! :'( Please *hides in the denial tent*

Thanx for the cuddles Helen (it's Helen right ?)
*Hugs Helen back*

It is indeed Helen =)
*cuddles you some more*
You still feeling anxious?

Yes I'm still anxious but not as bad as before so thats a plus , I have to go meet with my nurse any minute now, nervous about that , plus my housing support worker was supposed to come to visit me over an hour and a half ago and didn't show , never mind.

*Hugs Helen back *

Hello there my fellow inmates :) *GROUP HUGGLES*

I was busy past few days, still PMDD'in. Wishing I could have a pj day today but I seriously need to get my arse in gear and go visit my best mate soon as its her little boys 10th birthday today and I can't let him down.

Busy with 3 other birthdays this week too. My partner and two of my sisters. This week always drains me, I dread it when I know I should be happy for them all. oh well. I shouldn't complain, its nothing huge really is it? Far worse things, I just need to get a grip of myself and put things into perspective....

*goes out to smoking shelter*

*cuddles Oliver, Helen, Mark, and Hayley*

Sorry that you're so anxious, Mark... did the housing support worker ever show up? and how did the meeting with your nurse go? I hope that s/he had something useful to say to help you... *hugs*

*squishes Helen* What's up, love? Read your r/v thread and I wish I could do something... remember, feel free to PM!! :) ♥

*hugs Hayley* What does PMDD stand for again? I have an idea but I don't want to sound like an idiot so I won't post it... lol. :) I could Google it I suppose... hehe. Some people make big deals out of birthdays (like me), others don't (like my husband, lol) - it doesn't really matter. Three birthdays in one week has got to be tiring... wow. I'm lucky that my family's birthdays are all spread out (hubby = January, dad = February, mum = August, sister = December - and me = June). Aaanyway... sorry for the waffling!! :o

I'm really tired... ugh. I wish that I had stayed in bed until 6am or so... feel jet-lagged from the lack of sleep due to my husband tossing and turning last night, as well as the time change... yuckie. *sigh* Got up at 5am instead... silly me... which used to be really 4am... no wonder I'm tired. I've got what I call "grocery bags" under my eyes (back when the Walmart bags were blue - anyone remember those days?)... and my eyelids are all puffy and nasty looking. It looks like I haven't slept in days. Heh.

Anyway.

Night Falls Fast is a good book... *random* ...but not for the easily suicidally triggered person. It's about "understanding suicide" and I'm reading it for my senior sem paper (got the outline done!! :D kind of anyway... really rough one, but at least I cranked SUMMAT out...)... very well written. It's by Kay Redfield Jamison, who wrote Touched by Fire and An Unquiet Mind, both about bipolar - which she has. I love her books... first read Touched by Fire in 2005 or so I think...

Well, hugs to the lurkers... Crimson, I see you!! :D

Thats great that you got your outline done , I know how stressed you have been about it , way to go April :). I want to read Night falls fast but right now would class myself as the very easily triggered type :( ( which is no fun )
The meeting with my detox-nurse went well but was EXHAUSTING I almost broke down in front of her , she is going to take my bloods and blood pressure tomorrow and then I can go back on the Antabuse ( Anti alcohol med ) and put the whole "I can drink responsibly" passage of this year behind me hopefully .

and

No my houseing worker never showed * Irritated * I hung around the kitchen window for half an hour looking out for him

*hugs everyone*
How is everyone this morning?
Lolz...
I had almost gotten done catching up when I had to go downstairs and open the front desk :)
I had a pretty productive day yesterday. I made parts of a week of dinners last night (and then froze em) while I put todays dinner in the crock pot and made last nights dinner lol. Hopefully with dinner being easier and less time consuming it'll be a less stressful part of the day. In theory my usually 1 hr plus dinner making will take less than 30 min. Supposedly this 'once a month meals' thing is supposed to work well for people with overloaded schedules like me... we'll see.
And I'm almost done with laundry. That'll be pleasant. But since I don't do more than one load of laundry a day (the stairs to and from the laundry room would kill my knee) it'll be a couple more days... unless I get lazy and procrastinate again. But so far so good today so maybe it'll get done.
*crosses fingers*
Here's hoping for the best today.

*sprays self with pretty smelling stuff so as to not stink of fags!*

*group huggle!!* Hello again....

So, PMDD stands for Pre-Menstrual Disphoric Disorder. Which is basically having usual PMS symptoms but cranked up a few times to go alongside with feelings of lack of self worth and irrational and suicidal thoughts. I get these feelings for the 10days leading up to my period and then during my period they subside. I have about 8days out of a 28day cycle where I get to be 'Hayley-Rose', the rest I'm varying degrees of crazy hayley! Since putting me on super high dose of vit b6, evening primrose oil every day and progesterone for days 19-26 I've been a lot better. I don't cry everyday now and I don't think about throwing myself under every bus I see. I was sooo bad when my partner was in afghanistan in 2008 I was asking for a hysterectomy!!! But apparently I could end up reacting to those hormone changes even worse! Not sure how I'll cope in september when he goes back, but he tells me not to get worked up about it now and we'll figure something out closer to the time.

Good for you April for getting the outline done, sometimes doing that is the hardest part. I ope that you manage to get some more done without it stressing you out too much.

Mark - I'd have been soo irritated too about your housing worker, bloody cheek just not turning up and not informing you. Are you going to make a complaint?! I would...but that's just 'cos I'm in a feisty mood at the mo!

Crimson - you only do one load of laundry a day....you make that sound like a bad thing! I think thats fantastic....as long as you've enough laundry in the household to warrant it of course, lol No point putting on the washing machine with just one set of undies in it! The planning and preparing meals sounds a fab idea...I sometimes do something similar to help me with my energy levels due to my M.E, cooking can be too much for me.

Helen - I don't know whats going on with you completely, but don't blame yourself for everything. You are a lovely person. Chin up my dear. *special squishes*

Eh we've been sooo behind on laundry that it's ridiculous... I just never seemed able to catch up (doesn't help our housing has coin op laundry -$3 a load- and we're tight on money) but then I have me and D, our 3 kids and we've got 2 of his sisters living with us too (one does her own laundry which is nice) so yeah I should do more laundry more often. So when tax returns came in I pulled a some just for getting (and hopefully staying) caught up. I'm proud of even being almost caught up... kinda sad really.
The meal thing could potentially work well though. If I feel like crap I can just tell someone else to pull whatever out of the freezer and make it. I may bag some rice and write in the measurements too since stirfry and teriyaki beef are some of the stuff in the freezer. Last time I had V make rice (I had a migraine) she made enough for 4 meals when I asked her to make it as a side dish. Now its funny but then it just stressed me out and pissed me off... an experience I'd rather not repeat lol.

Ahhh many posts since I last stopped in, too many to try reply but BIG HUGE CUDDLES for everyone :D Sorry, I will try reply proper later.

Arrrrgh why can't this ****en **** stop? :'( *rocks whilst hiding in denial tent*

April, I will pm you in a bit darling, you sure you don't mind :S I never did reply to your last pm, opps, but it DID help, I promise <3

I'm off to bed early tonight (Again) .
I feel so drained after my nurses appointment.
Had a relaxing bath with some lavender / camomille stuff as recommended by her .
I am triggered , it's a good job I'm so drained or I'd be more un-safe .
Sleep now .
As Biffy Clyro said " Sleep is the safest place you can be "

*Group Hug*

nothing new to add in the past few hours, just checking in and catching up.

*more huggles* Wish that there was more I could do for us all than that though :(

Sleep well Doikers

Hayley, big squishy hug, how you feeling darl??

Well not long after my post, some 'good' stuff happened, my head is STILL feeling well & truly ****ed up though...

Just stepping back in for a second to gather myself.
Tomorrow is my last session with my counsellor. No matter how I'm feeling, it all has to be resolved tomorrow and then feelings n stuff have to go on hold for a month or two. It's never going to work.
Deep breath...
...and steps back out.

argh!!!!!!! how the hell can everthing fall apart at the sametime. hits wall hard curls up in ball and shuts out the world.

*Pops in a leaves cuddles for all and some blueberry muffins on the table*

Possibly triggering for SI and OD






I'm REALLY triggered , I want to cut or OD to be out of it for a while or both . I've only S,I, OD'd once before but I am so sick of having scars and I ......I don't know what to do , I might make a thread for this in vets support but I don't feel I deserve the attention , I feel guilty posting in here .I Dont know whats triggered me , it's been building up for about a week..... what should I do ? I haven't a clue .

*cuddles all* So many posts, can't reply to all of them, I don't think...

Hels, sure I'm sure I don't mind you PMing me!! *hugs tight* You're a dear person and I wish I could help you more... glad my last PM helped you. :) How are you doing today?

Mark, hope you got some good rest... how are you feeling now? *squish*

Crimson, it sounds crazy at your house!! Wow... 3 kids, two sisters, etc... I think I would go mad!! And yey for catching up on laundry (slowly)... we do it weekly, coin-op but we have to go to a laundromat as our complex doesn't have any laundromatty places. GRRRR. The landlord does want to put one in, though. Sometime. (I doubt it will ever happen... but maybe that's just me being a little TOO pessimistic. Haha.)

Hayley, how're you doing today? :)

Sefka, I hope that you manage to "hold it together" for those months without therapy... why can't you have therapy during those months? Just wondering... it seems odd. Of course, I'm in the position of having no clue when I will get back into therapy... have been out of it for 6 weeks and am using this site as a place to vent, as well as LJ... GRRRRR... lol. Anyway... how are you feeling today?

Jill, what's going on, sweetie? *cuddles gently*

Jet, thanks for the muffins. Omnomnom... *devours as she hasn't had breakfast yet* :P

I'm doing meh. Really tired, got up a bit past 6am, which used to be 5am, so I am very tired... but nothing new there. Played WoW for a bit this morning, finished up one assignment for advanced counseling techniques, and need to do a few more. GRRRR how I hate that class!!! It's so interesting but I hate all of the "busywork" for it... :( I feel so ****ing behind.

I really want to cut too... I see my NP tomorrow morning and am nervous about that... don't know what she'll want to do. I texted her this message: I really want to cut deeply and i dont know what to do. i'm trying to distract myself but my mind keeps returning to how much i hate myself. And she said in response: Safety first if u feel this way get to the nearest hospital !

Yeah right. Like I'm going to go check myself in!!, especially in the middle of my last term. >_< So stupid. (Not my NP, just the idea in general, although I do see where she's coming from. She's so medical-model oriented, which is I guess how she's "supposed" to be, as a medication-provider... so yeah. My therapist did everything she could to keep me OUT of the hospital instead of frequently wanting to refer me to the ER for an eval.)

Urf.

*hides* :(

*Hugs April* Sorry you are so triggered .
I'm triggered too, I posted just before you we must have been typeing at the same time :P
I'm getting a headache just to top it all off *Sigh*
I wish I knew what to say to help you guys ( myself too ).
Take the care , try and stay safe .

*huggles helen* I'm glad that some good stuff happened to you - you deserve it. Here's hoping that more good stuff continues to come your way.

*huggles Sefka* I really hope that today goes as well for you as can be. I know I got in a great big pickle over my last councelling session. Bloody NHS telling me when I've had enough sessions. Don't know what your reason is, but I hope that things are put in place to help you through the transition.

*huggles shadowedsoul* (sorry I can't remember your name - *fels guilty*) We're here to offer support. I think we all know how it feels to have everything fall apart at once, life is so so unfair sometimes (thats me putting it politely).

*huggles Jeremy* aww, thanks for the huggles, it means a lot to me that you pop in and leave cuddles and scoff for us all.

*huggles Mark* don't feel guilty for posting in here, you were considerate to others by marking it possibly triggering. The whole thread here is possibly triggering, so we all know what we're doing when we come in here. Its a place though where often we're all at a place where we are only able to offer empathy and hugs, rather than constructive advice, so I think starting a thread of your own would be a positive step and you deserve the attention just as much as the rest of us - which is a lot more than we all think of oursleves.

*huggles April* wow, how the world has moved on by being able to text members of our medical team?! I have a crisis line to phone that often tells me the lines are busy! Yeah your NP has to give whats seen as the 'correct' advice even though its utterly stupid to us when we're in 'that' frame of mind. I am so very impressed that you could play WoW in the morning and complete an assignment. I don't allow myself to go on WoW until I've done all my days thingymabobs, otherwise I just waste away infront of the laptop, I even smoke about 60% less 'cos I don't want to stop whilst I'm on a roll, lol. Me, addicted?! Not just get....

How am I today?! Um, not too bad actually. Just eaten marmite rice cakes as I don't want to eat too much (partner's bday so Indian food tonight) but I've got to super clean my flat and I know that I need some fuel to be able to do it and I've already had to take extra painkillers today so I need something in my tummy otherwise I'll feel extra icky. Just wanted to check in here whilst I'm finding the motivation to get started, once I'm in the zone I'll be fine, its just...oh I can't even be bothered to explain my crazy thought patterns. How I miss my OCD behaviour sometimes, I swear life was simpler then.

*looks for motivation to super clean flat*

*hugs april* keep hanging in there! Oh same goes 4 u too doinkers!

super clean kitchen - check
fag break - check
fight back random tears - check
super clean bathroom - next!

*group huggle* apologies if I smell of a cross between fags and cleaning products!

super clean bathroom - check
check to see how fellow inmates are - check
nap time now perhaps? Then time to super clean living room and bedroom.
feel like crying again but I'm not really sure why.....PMDD.....not long to hnag on til my sanity will slowly return though, gotta make it to saturday....

*cuddles everyone*

Sorry some people feeling triggered, hope you manage to keep safe.

April, I will PM you today, I promise aha!! Meant to do it yesterday.
Hayley, want to talk about anything???

I don't know how I feel. I just feel ****. This whole year has been ****. Except a couple good days here & there. I can't take much more **** to be honest, but going to have to I expect. Got heating people coming over AGAIN today. They finally replaced the boiler two weeks ago, but there was a minor problem & then the boiler broke aha. So they fixed all that on Friday. But one radiator kept acting up. It's not giving any heat in the living room. SO they're coming back this afternoon. Joy joy joy >_<

oh my goodness, I let the thoughts happen, I shouldn't have stopped cleaning. This could be my partners last birthday. He's in breifs all day at work today about all the dangers and threats that he'll be facing on his next tour of afghanistan. It'll be his 7th tour of duty, his 3rd in a row of afghan. He said to me "Wow what a birthday, being told all day how I might die. I'm already thinking that it'll be 3rd time lucky for the taliban to get me" And here I am, crying making this about me?! I'm such a ****ing selfish self centred bitch :( I'm also terrified of life without him. *sobs*

Hows everyone feeling today?
Scarletdreamer, just breeeeeeeeeeathe. Your college work will get done.
Write a to do list.Everything you have to do.
Then divide it up in today,tomorrow,next week etc.
I'm def a list person but everything I write down I wanna get done that day..which doesnt happen and then I get frustrated and mad.But then someone said divide it up and it helped me! :)
Spend three hours behind computer yesterday finishing assignments... :(

PrincessSparkle says for everyone to go Youtube Kerli-teaparty.
She's awesome!!
*hugs for everybody*
Paddys day tomorrow everyone's going drinkin...me?I'm working.and broke...I havnt beend drunk in so long,would looove to get wasted! :(

PrincessSparkle is realising there really arent enough hours in a day and its kinda getting her down :(

*starts randomly dancing along to the Glee soundtrack to cheer herself up*

I like lists too. They bring me comfort in one way and stress in others but I don't think I could function without some form of list.
I'm meeting my mum for lunch tomorrow for paddy's day. I'll be wearing my shamrock headband - I'm half Irish so allowed to half celebrate. No drinking though for me or my mum, we don't do well with alcohol, must be the english half, lol

*hugs everyone* thanks guys, but sorry, i ODd again saturday night :( im still in the hospital, although theres nothing medically wrong with me, theyve decided im not safe enough to go home yet :( im feeling CRAP! i was admitted saturday night, my mum didnt come up with me, i havent seen her or spoken to her since :( im really starting to miss her, and need a hug, but kate (the nurse who i am really close with) is so upset with me for doing it again she will hardly talk to me :( gah. idk whether i wanna go home, or stay here, but i do know i wanna cut :(
*retreats into a corner and cries*

*huggles nicole* I don't know what else to say atm, just...*huggles*

thankyou. i needed that. even if it wasnt a proper hug. im just getting so stressed, and i need to catch up on my school work too, ive missed 8 weeks of school now, and im doing my GCSEs this year :( how're you feeling??

Something that I've learnt through life, is that exams will always be there, we can always get qualifications. I'm still hoping one day to go back to education. I've dropped out so many times through ill health that I'm too defeated to try again at the moment. But I know one day when I'm ready, education won't have gone anywhere. So look after yourself first and foremost, then you can think about your school work when you're able to.

I've supercleaned my living room now. So time for a fag break and then super clean the bedroom. Then another fag break then it'll be time to put my happy face on for Ewan's birthday meal.

*goes out to the smoking shelter*

thanks, i know that the education will always be there, but well, im so close, it seems a shame to give up now, so i wanna push through and get it over with. so im just gonna work hard for the next couple of months, do my GCSEs, and hopefully get good grades, it saves me having to re-take them later. lol. have fun cleaning, i hate it :/ thats one good thing about the hospital, i dont have to do anything lol

if I had the energy I'd be jumping round my now super duper cleaned flat...just jumping 'cos I've finished cleaning and to keep me distracted.

Time to freshen up, hair & make-up to be done, try to have restraint when ordering food this evening. I've had 2biscuits whilst cleaning with 2 diet red bulls, so not too bad if I have 'proper' meal tonight....I hope. Just got to remember I'm feeling worse due to PMDD....and also weighing more and bloated. *tries to keep self rational*

*group huggle!* Sorry for masses of posts today, I just really need this place right now.

*huggles hayley*
that's what this place is for.
got any wood or laminate floors? sock sliding is totally fun... more fun that jumping for me :D

nicole~ good luck on getting good grades, i'm sure you can do it :) but don't push yourself too hard.

Thanks for the huggles crimson. Time for me to toddle off out now. *deep breath*

good luck xx

AARGH panick attack :( *grabs blanket and hides in corner, clinging to her phone because its her lifeline*

anybody in?? i need a hug? :(