Rawr. I did the bad thing. >;[

I went so long (well, 3/4/ days before xmas) without SI'ing. Fuuuuuuuucker.

*sighs and cuddles teddy*

I think my day was a little too emotional. Finding out about The Rev was the last straw, because he always wrote such amazing lyrics that helped me through so much. And he was only 28. It's not fair.

I can't believe I'm so upset about someone who I've only met once. Pathetic much.

*hugs to all*

*pops in briefly*

I'll reply to posts later, am not doing well right now. REALLY REALLY REALLY want to b/p... can't do it though, can't let myself... but I want to do it so badly!! *cries* Even going on WoW didn't help that much - I kept thinking about how stupid and ugly I am and how much I need to die... or b/p...

*hides in a dark corner, hoping that no one is annoyed or angry with her*

I'm not annoyed or angry. I've got to go out, but I know how you feel honey. I'll talk to you when I'm home from work okay? *squishes* Keep strong, I know it's hard though.

*leaves cuddles for all whilst she's out with a friend and at work* xx

*hugs Helen* Take care of yourself whilst you're out & about!! :)

xx

Just had a flashback in the bath. Well, not a flashback exactly. I was in the bath and I heard my dad's voice. Really clearly. He said "Hello, my dove." Oh jeeez, I'm shaking so much.

sorry, pointless.

*checks in until i move out of my dads house* *makes pillow fort and cuddles up to plushie and reads manga and eats pocky*

*Wanders over to Ashley, gives pillow* :)

Welcome to the ward. ^.^

*wanders back over to own corner, starts drawing*

^ I'm sorry about you're flashback thing hon. u drawing anything nice?

April I'm sorry you've been struggling, how is your day going?

Hi OrangeCandy, welcome to the ward. how u doing? *offers a lovely hot chocolate*

Kahlia that's great, any luck moving it to Mon? How are you feeling now?

I'm still quite triggered , feel very depressed and i get my wonderful but stressful toddler back soon. eek :/

*cuddles to all*

^ drawing picture of rainbows. :)

Eurghhh... I mini-binged at my parents' place (where I am now) and now I feel like purging... ate a lot of sugar-free stuff so hopefully that'll go through quickly. :-X I hate myself so so much... wish I never got to this place, wish I never gave in, wish I were ****ing brave enough to purge!!!

Anyway. My day's **** so far but oh well. We did see a family friend (we being my family) and that was nice. Thankfully she didn't talk about the bulimia... :-X

Erm... what else... not much. :-X

*cuddles Franz* How you doing today? besides the flashback thingummy? I would've been shaken by that too... if you need to talk any more about it we're here.

*holds Laura* I bet I sound like a broken record too... but you know what? That's OKAY!!! because this is a place to vent out what we're feeling. If it bothers people, well then, as far as it concerns me, they can just leave. May sound harsh but if you have something you need to get out - then talk about it. Either here or PM me or someone else. ♥ Your posts aren't annoying at all either nor stupid and you oughtn't shut up. :)

*hugs Kahlia* I hope that you find a good GP to talk with... or are a little clearer with your current one. I understand it being difficult to express how things are going... especially when you're feeling ill. How'd supper go? did you manage to keep anything down?

*huggles Jocelyn* What's got you triggered, love? and how old is your toddler? boy or girl? :) Oh, and what the heck is cottage pie? :P You UK'ers have so many weird foods!! lol. Or at least weird names... hehe. :)

*holds Heather* Hope you feel better soon, sweetie. Being sick is not fun at all... Do you have any plans for the day?

*hugs Horseridinbbe* (Heather?) What breaks the "rules"? eating dinner so late? In any case, self-punishing rarely does any good, so you oughtn't do it... but if you need to talk I'll be here. That sucks about the comp rules. :(

Well, my sis & dad are going for a walk so I guess I will too... fat ass... need exercise.

:(

*Waves* Sorry to see that so many of you had a difficult time yesterday. Hopefully today is a better day for you all. *Hugs for all who want them* There's so many posts that I'm behind on I won't reply individually, but I just want you to know that I did read them and I am thinking of you all.

Scarletdreamer - poor you, it's horrible when you want to purge and there's no opportunity for it. It really makes me panic. Try to keep thinking rationally about it though - like you said, most of it was sugar-free. Hopefully going on a walk will help you to feel more comfortable.

**

I'm doing ok today. Went into a nearby town this morning which went fine (except for one stolen item :-( ). My head's been pretty loud today, nothing in particular just the voices all being a bit rowdy. Wish they'd quieten down a bit. Ate a bit too much for lunch and couldn't purge because of a family board game... But I'm trying not to stress about it because rationally I know that it was hardly anything and my weight's got so low. To be honest the most likely consequence is that it will give my metabolism a boost and I'll lose more weight. Got some wool and knitting needles today to try out a new hobby!

*hugs Banana* Knitting is fun although I've not gotten past halfway done my first project!! :( Oops.

I'm glad that you understand. The walk didn't help... we went so slowly that it was misery. Finally I gave up on them keeping up with me and zoomed along until I was well out of breath. I hope that it burned some of the calories that I ate... stupid stupid stupid me!!!! *cries*

Anyway. I'm glad that you didn't have time to purge... it's not good, and I know that - hard to stop the urges, and I understand the panic - but as you said, you're at a low weight so yeh. *cuddles*

*cuddles onto April* Okay, just tired. Not bitten my nails for ages. Yay.

My rainbow is pretty. Gonna put it on my door. Ho hum.

Bit dissociated, as you might be able to tell.

*snuggles up to April and dozes*

*snuggles up to Franz because she needs someone to be near her*

Just posted in my venting spot about what just happened... my family is bullshit. All bullshit. I give up.

*cries*

:( *gives tissue and love to April*

Scarletdreamer - just read your post in your venting spot *Cuddles* That sounds so difficult for you and so frustrating. Have you ever spoken to your mum about how it all makes you feel? Try not to panic hun, you're not stupid and you're not fat and it's all gonna be ok. I can understand the frustration with walking slowly though, I hate that!! You said there was a lot of sugar-free stuff, so you don't need to worry about that. If you leave your parents', make sure you have a good plan of what to do this evening to try and avoid purging. Maybe go for a jog or something to ease the anxiety about eating and it will boost your mood as well. I hope you're ok dear.

DaVengezz - hope you're keeping safe. Sounds like a nice way to spend the time if you're dissociated!

I'm feeling ok could do with a fag but I'll have to wait now until everyone goes to bed... Yay for living with my folks...

Snuggles everyone xx

Wish I could be someone I like rather than having all this self hate inside of me

I know the feeling Grace. You'll get there though.

What the f**k I just looked up how to knit and got some really simple instructions and pictures up... But I don't get it and now I feel like a moron.

^ Not a moron. Nice person.

*hug*

*cuddles everyone* The ward has been very busy since i posted last night.. I've read everything though.

Helen - everyone is telling me that its ok to be a broken record on here, so we can be broken records together. Sorry that things are hard right now.

April - I really suck at truly talking about what is going on... Sorry that you mini-binged. Try not to be too hard on yourself. It'll be okay. I read your venting thing and your family stuff sounds really hard :-/

Banana - you are def not a moron for not knowing figuring out the patterns. I've never been really able to figure them out either..

*hugs everyone I didn't reply too* - sorry... I can't be on here long... i will reply properly later

*hugs Banana* What's your first name? (if you don't want to say that's okay) I'm April - Scarletdreamer is a lot to type out!! :) So feel free to call me April. Oh, and knitting isn't simple... lol... I tried to learn it from a pattern and it worked out HORRIBLY... had to go to a yarn shop and get instruction and demonstrations from that. Maybe look on YouTube? I'm sure there are instructional vids there. And you're not stupid. :)

*cuddles Franz* Still dissociated, love? Must be kind of a nice place... I remember the times when I dissociated, really peaceful, kind of. I dunno. :-/ Sorry if any of that was offensive, I just hate feeling all that I do. :(

*huggles Laura* We can be broken records together as well. :P How you doing? And yeh, my family really is hard, just getting to understand this now that I've married, moved out, and been away from them for a year+. So yeah. I texted my therapist but she hasn't responded, don't want to bother my husband at work, and I just now texted my NP. Hopefully one or the other will respond. :(

*cuddles Grace* I so understand, sweetie... I really do.

I am so angry with myself... *cries* Life isn't fair, and I hate mine... wish I could trade it in for a better one!! or even a better me, if I liked myself I could put up with my family and all. :(

*Cuddles onto April* Not offensive. Not peaceful either for me... don't like feeling like this cuz feel vunerable.

Don't hate yourself. I love you. You're nice and lovely.

*hugs to everyone*

*Digs a hole in a dark corner and hides in there*

I wish I could support today guys but I can't. I'm sorry.

Snuggles Vicki
Dont worry about supporting hun...
Just take good care of yourself xx

I feel like a crappy mum. I was meant to have him back today and i didn't get him making up an excuse that i feel really ill. I miss him but i can't handle him, especially not right now. He went to a museum with his grandma and possibly his dad idk. I never do things like with him, i used to but now i just want to curl into a little ball and forget the world. can i hide in here please? I don't want to come out for a while

I'm so so triggered... i can't think about anything else

*cuddles Franz* Yeh, I understand the feeling vulnerable. How you doing now?

*huggles Vicki* What's up, love?

*holds Jocelyn* Wish I could say something that would make you feel better... I don't think you're a terrible mum though, just one that's really struggling.

My stomach hurts... :(

*Hugs April* thanks hon.

Just...relationship stuff mostly. Getting me down.

*hugs Vicki back* Feel free to talk about it here... or PM me... I'm married so I might have a little bit of advice or support or whatever, I don't know. I'm not saying I'm a relationship expert, heh, but I do have some experience with arguments and rough spots under my belt.

Lol thanks hon. I'm just in a really complicated relationship and I'm struggling what I can expect from what I want, and what he wants out of it all. =/

You're welcome. :) Figured I may as well offer. Never know where that might take you, lol. Hrm, maybe you could ask him what he expects? as openness in relationships is one of the keys to success. Sorry if that seems too simple, heh. :-/

*hugs*

*curls up and cries*

I probably should; but like I say, it's a complicated relationship and we've only recently gotten back together. I think I need to leave it for a couple of weeks and just see what happens. ... Well, I know what's going to happen...

*cuddles a_m* What's up, sweetie? anything we can do to help?

sorry April

*hugs everyone*

I'm not safe atm. I've slipped up more than normal and i can't stop, its not enough. sleeping forever sounds so beautiful right now

*hugs april* not really. i don't even know why i feel bad. i just wanna cry... amongst other things i wanna do but refuse to... but i'm at work right now so i can only cry here atm which just makes me feel frantic.

*hugs* ^ im sorry u feel so bad. could u maybe leave early?

*Cuddles everyone* Not a good night for us all really is it guys?

I'm not so good at replying to the thread, but if I can be of any help at all, send me a PM or an e-mail or add me on MSN or something and I'll certainly do my best :)

*is zonked*

It actually feels like an outer body experience right now. Like, I can almost see myself typing. What a weird sensation.

*huggles to everyone* I'm not being very good with the whole responding to people. I've read everything, but it's not sinking in properly. Hope this stops tomorrow...

i'm considering it joc... today my boss isn't here so i'd just need to fill out a leave slip and go... no explaining for once.

on the other hand i dunno where to go to if i do leave early. *puts head on desk*

i dunno if i'm dealing so well with a new year coming and stress building up... i don't think i have anything left for when i get too stressed and overwhelmed now that i'm 'healthier'. i don't cut, starve, drink (more than a glass every blue moon or so) or smoke. i haven't been feeling artsy in a long long time. i've read every book i own or could borrow (i can't stand to reread them till i've totally forgotten the words because if i know the paragraph it seems a waste to read the first sentence let alone the rest...)
i dunno what to do with myself anymore.

nope it isn't vicki...
wednesday is supposed to be a good day... the week is half over. but it just doesn't feel like a good day today.

hope you feel better soon dv *hugs all around*

argh!!! everthing gone to ****. why the hell im i even trying,i give up.curls up in ball and crys

*pops in and cuddles everyone*

*huggles Jocelyn* Can you speak with anyone? therapist, close friend, etc.? Sorry, I forget who in here is in treatment and who isn't...

*hugs Vicki* Yer, it's not a good night for anyone. Me included... But the good thing is that we'll all pull through, as long as we don't give up. I hope. :-X

*snuggles Franz* Being dissociated is a weird feeling... is it the flashback thingummy that triggered the dissociation?

*cuddles a_m* Did you end up leaving work early? because I think that probably would be/would've been a good idea... if you're that frantic then it'd probably be good to go somewhere, go for a walk, do some cardio at home, let yourself have a good cry, etc. How're you doing now?

*holds Jill* What's gone on, sweetie? Don't give up... things will be okay, you can make it.

I think it might have been. Although I'm now feeling scarily hyperactive. But not happy.

*bounces off walls*

*sits in corner and stares at wall*

*hugs shadowedsoul* you okay? Stay safe hun

*hugs franz* ive only depersonalized... so i dont know exactly what you are feeling... but i can tell u that depersonalization is really weird and sucks majorly. Hope you feel better soon.

*hugs horseridinbbe and offers blanket* u alright?

I am tired, but probaby wont be able to sleep. I've got a friend that is threatening to abuse drugs if things keep going the way they are for her. It's bringing me back (making me remember) days where my friends would threaten SI and suicide. *sigh*... just one more thing to worry about... *collapses in corner for the night*

april~ no i didn't. i should have but i didn't know what to do with myself outside work either... in th end i ignored my mind as best i could and vented to a friend. *hugs*

*hugs laura* i hope your friend is alright and that you are able to get some sleep...

nighty night everyone.

Sends hugs around for everyone.

Had a really good evening last night with my best friend via skpe and msn lol. Went to bed about 12.30am and slept really good. Except waking up and nightmares but hey. Am sooo ill today :/ Last day at work aswell..

*hugs everyone*

I managed not to throw up for two hours after eating last night - and I only threw up because I took my meds. My body/my brain/whatever ... gave me no choice. My housemate says "new GP for the New Year - less than 3 hours away now here :p

I'm going manic so I thought I'd type while I could still remember how to. *sigh* Someone stop the world ... I really, truly want to get off.

I ended up in a&e last night. i ok just v tired and me and the mrs r struggling to keep strong for each other. the psych suggested hospital last night but said to try something else first , the home treatment team.
I just feel a bit numb. sorry the cottage pies on hold.
*snuggles up on the sofa*