I give up. Gah I hate everything. I try to talk to my friends... they change the subject as if they don't want to talk about it. I tried to be honest with my parents... and they blew me off and said I was an attention seeker and had none of this ****.... whatever....

*plants self into the ward and stares at the wall wishing someone would care*

why don't i have the fleaking motivation to go back to the nursery when I NEED to!!!

my college course depends on it but i feel too shitty after experiences last time I was at the nursery

*hugs helen and arwen* Neither of you are disgusting, i'm sorry you guys feel so bad right now.

*hugs miss angelus* It's good that you are trying to deal tho, don't give up!

*hugs yodabear* it's really hard when no one will listen.. the people here do care about you tho.

*hugs lolly* i'm sorry your experiences have been bad... maybe it won't be as bad if you try again? Sorry i don't have much advice b/c i don't know the circumstances.

Hope everyone is alright.

*locks self in ward for the rest of the day*

I.can't.stand.her
(My little sister)

I.can't.do.this.

argh!!! why does everything just fall to apart all at the same time. i give up i cant do this much longer. hides in corner and crys

Really sorry I haven't been around, I went away for the weekend with my family. I'm really not doing well but can't express it, so I am reading but maybe not replying.

*leaves hugs*

I have to tell one of my biggest supporters tomorrow that i've been thinking about dieing.....i'm scared....
*pulls covers over head and hides*

*offers hugs to everyone*

I've been having a rocky couple of days recently. High as a kite one minute then thinking of suicide the next. I still feel like I want to OD only now I have enough meds to be sure of getting it right. The hospital sent my doctor my clinical notes from Friday when my physio took me down to ED. He was ecstatic (not) about that.

Also I have ringworm from somewhere ... so damn over this whole living thing.

On the plus side though .... I'm 1 year SI free today

CONGRATULATIONS KAHLIA <3

Sorry you're having such a rough ride of it at the moment :(

AAARRGGHHHHHHHHAAARRRGGHHHHH i HATE FEELING LIKE THIS I HATE IT SOSO MUCH!!!!!!

sorry heads a bit of a mess tonight, ive just had enough of it.

*locks self in room and cries* maybe ill be safe in here :(



*hugs* to everyone

*Cuddles Helen* You CAN do this darling, you've managed to get through these feelings before and you can do it again.

*Hugs shadowedsoul* What's happened hun? It's alright if you don't want to talk about it, that's fine, but I'm here if you need me. We all are.

*Hugs Secrets* That's okay, I hope you feel better soon :) Here if you need to talk.

*Hugs Rach* If this person is your biggest supporter, they're probably the best person to tell. Try not to worry, chances are they'll want to help you through this. Good luck.

*Hugs Kahlia* I'm sorry things are tough at the moment. Try to reflect on how well you've done - One year! That's a huge achievement! I'm so proud of you sweetie :)

*Hugs Katey* Try to stay strong hun, I hope you feel better this morning.

---

I've been feeling really sickly for the last couple of months. Some people think it may have been the run up to the swine flu, and now I'm just regaining myself. But I don't know.
I told you all about how eating became an impossible task, well now I'm able to eat enough - But afterwards I feel sick and have stomach pains. I've been feeling tired and lethargic, and generally pretty sick.
Hopefully it'll pass. I'm just getting all paranoid that there's some underlining problem.

Arwen, I think you should speak to your gp sweetie, that really doesn't sound good. Yes I'm being hyprocritcal here but sounds like you should just get it checked. It may be nothing, but as you have other symptoms, they may have a better idea than just feeling sick all the time. When I was at Jade's and was feelign very very very sick, they couldn't diganoise anything other than 'possible viruis' because it could have been anything. However...more symptoms...usually point to something. Sorry am rambling now.

I know I can get through this feelings, I just don't want to anymore. Too tired of fighting. Too tired of the urges. Too tired of battling every waking minute. Too tired of many things to be honest. *sighs*

One of my best friends isn't doing too good and I let her down massively last night. I made her think I didn't care (or something) anymore and so she gave up fighting against this guy who keeps abusing her :/ Then went out walking dodgy streets, possibly took an od but definately collasped. I sent her (psycho!) sister back (as she'd gone out to find her but stormed off home) and haven't heard anything since other than "She will be"

*hugs Arwen* - I agree with Helen that you may need to get yourself to a GP and get checked out .

*hugs Katey* - Try to stay safe hon

*hugs Helen* - I know the feeling all too well with not wanting to fight for everything. Right now I'm in a battle to get treatment ....

*hugs everyone*

found out why the cougar attacked my pony. rabies, big time. i had to round up all the cats and revaccinate them. not fun.

because Mae was exposed to the virus and her body would act as an incubator and allow the virus to grow and mutate and likely infect my animals, i had to dig her up and send her to be cremated :(

i think, that to be honest, it was harder to have to dig her up and let her be cremated, than it was to see she'd been attacked and killed. =(

*Hugs PapaBear* Sorry to hear that it was so hard! Hope you're ok.

*Hugs to everyone else*

I feel like this is all I can do right now. Just sit...and type...try to help other...because i just don't want to stop and feel what i do anymore....I'm going to slip off this edge and I'm at the stage where I couldn't care less. Maybe I'll just let go instead.

*Goes to corner and curls up*

I'M SICK OF FEELING SO AGGITATED ALL THE TIE!!! FFS!!!
I hate this. & Who I am. & how I KNOW that there'll only be one person who will make an effort when I'm gone.
I feel bad saying that. But its happened before. I move away. People are like "awww I miss you!!" and then slowly but surely...nothing. And before you know it....it's been two or three years and they arent the person you once depended on.

Don't hate who you are. You are an amazing person and you will make some good friends in Uni && I'll be here all the time you know this!
Don't let him get to you so much doll, he's only doing it because he's bitter he lost you.
Chin up sunshine. Do NOT fall because of that scum bag.

****ING BASTARD!!!
You want attitude?! I'll give him ****ing attitude!!!
He better stay out of my way. I swear to god Jade. I'll kill him.

I DONT HAVE AN ATTITUDE!!

Big girls dont cry. They get even.

Its people like him who make me cold and hard and bitter. Thats not who I am

hmm thanks zowie. hmm everthing has gone wrong at work, getting my ass kicke dand a writen waring for somthing so dam stuiped its unreal. my perents hit the roof. and just yelled at me, i guess if im being fair,they had every right to be angery, i brought this on myself. im trying to fix it. it might be unfixable. and i might loose my job. if that happens im screwed. it doesnt help anything my mum shouting at me calling me a lazy bitch, and yelling in my face do you have any idea what you just done to this family. meh i frigging hate me so much,why was i ever born. =/

*leaves hugs for everyone*

*hugs Kahlia and hides back in the denial tent*

It's fine.
I'm fine.
I'm not passing out again.
I'm not wantitn to go out for a walk.
I'm not wanting to cut.
I'm not wanting to od.
I'm not wanting to die.
I'm not 4 weeks free :'(

*hugs helen* I'm sorry things are bad for you right now... I wish I knew what to say, hope you feel better and are staying safe.

I was talking to my friend today about how i've been... and he said, "OD-ing is bad, but cutting, i'm down with that." It seemed so odd to me hearing someone who had never even known anyone who SI'd before me to say that he is cool with cutting. I dunno why it's bothering me that he said that. I just hmm.. words are leaving me at the moment. sorry.

*hugs to all*

Its officail I gave in. && I'm past caring. I'll hold my head high and like its all fine.

"Hold your head hig little girl, they're jsut dying to see you fall"

Welll no ones gonna see it. No one but me. && you lot I guess.

&& Alex you are NOT cold or bitter. && you're right big girls DO get even...we do it by not showing how much they get to us. Stay strong. Unlike me :)

i got depressed. i also got bored. so i bleached my hair, then dyed it bright blue. oddly enough, it made me feel better. sweet =)

*hugs Laura back* Thank you sweetie

Wow Shayne, sounds like fun :D

Not having a good day. Collasped twice before bed. Then wasn't asleep til gone 3am. Then woke up about 7.30am and couldn't get back to sleep (but did) and have been waking up since. Then when down the stairs and passed out as I was heading down them, so obviosuly fell.

helen you need to get checked out.
You eating hunni bee

*offers hugs for everyone*

I went on a Leave of Absence from uni today just telling them straight out that I couldn't write and that was the reason why. I did a huge walk, some 90 minutes or so and got quite sweaty so now my wrist splint smells even worse as does the skin inside it. I had a phonecall tonight from the mental health team and they are going to ring me on the weekend. The chick didn't realise how much the shoulder surgery has damaged my life. Not that I'm ungrateful that it happened, but I would like some freedom and my independence back. It made me realise how much I've lost and now I feel kinda down. Oh well.

*gentle cuddles Kahlia* Sorry it's not more. I'm sure the surgery will have benefits for the long term rather than current short term???

*cuddles Helen back* - The surgery should mean that I have to worry no more about my shoulder popping out of it's socket. At least for 15 to 20 years or so. But all I can think of is all the things it's made me lose. Even though they are only short term losses. Kinda stupid I know.

*leaves hugs for everyone*

Not stuipd at all sweetie *squishes* When I last had surgery, I struggled to deal with it at times. :/

*Cuddles everyone*
Not in a fit state of mind to leave individual replies. Sorry.

kahila i had shoulder surgery 2 years ago now i was in a sling or 3 months and cudnt play netball for 6 and still havent gone bk to playing rugby properly. it nearly killed me not playing or getting my mum to do everything for me. i had an interior anterior capsular shift. i hope u get ur independence bk soon. if u wanna chat just pm me or sumthing. big hugs hope u recover soon

My sis is coming round tonight :)

Hugs to all.

I never ever want to end up in that f-ing hospital again.

I will try hard to maintain adequate mental health.

Raaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa aaaaaah

Good for you Oly :)

And...er...good for you Pengy =P

*hugs all*

Struggling os bad.

*cuddles Helen*

Soo scared...so confused....tired of making everyone worry about me....
sorry i don't post except to get support, i don't give support very well sometimes....
will someone come hold me while i'm hiding in the corner?
*huddles and cries*

I have pills. I want to od. I just spent two hours talkign with my best friend which kept me safe. My sister's fast asleep so can't disturb her, she'd kill me for it. My sister's dog should be in his own bed but won't leave me either (he senses something's wrong?)....

*cuddles Rach*

*hugs Helen* - try and hold on hon and keep yourself safe

*leaves hugs for everyone*

When I have a day with nothing planned I get edgy like I am right now. Days seem so long ...

:( sorry need to hide away im so useless. heads all over place and just a bit of a mess right now. and to top it of ive just had to have my older foster sister/best friend admited to hospital im mkent to be there for her and i cant, im so stupid!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

*hugs Katey*

thankyou, i cant handle all this right now. i tried to be there for her i really did but i cant look after me let alone her, i know that itsstresses her out to see me unwell n shes had to see me go through **** n ive been a major major major mess and its taken its toll on her too. why does it feel like everything i tough just falls apart, everything i try to do fails, and all my mates n close people just get hurt!!!!!

*hugs helen* please try to stay safe hun
*hugs kahlia* I get really restless on days where i do nothing as well, it sucks most of the time.
*hugs katey-lou* I'm sorry things are hard for you right now...

Things are going badly... and i don't think i'm even allowed to talk about it... so i guess i'll just bottle it up.

Haven't overdosed. Meh. Feel like I've been hit by a truck or something. In so much agony. :'( Need to go back sleep but means returning to that evil, horrible, blasted nigthmare :'(

*hugs Katey*
*hugs Laura*
*hugs Helen*

*hugs anyone who wanders in and needs a hug*

I made it through the day now I just have to make it through the night ... and I'm not sure I know how to do that. I slept okay last night so should sleep well tonight but I've been so edgy and restless all day so I'm worried this will affect things. Oh well.