Don't put pressure by giving yourself 'should haves', 'would haves'. We all cope differently and I know that I really struggle to cope with even basic things on bad days.
Even on a good day I'll struggle to get up before 10am.

Be kind to yourself xx

I'm not very good with words tonight, but just wanted to say that I read this and I'm thinking of you - I can see why this situation is so difficult for you, and you have nothing to apologise for in posting here.

Try to look after yourself xx

Thank you all. I really appreciate any kind words and/or hugs at the moment.

Matt, I just reread your post more clearly, I just wanted to add something to my response if you don't mind :p I still stand by my previous response post but I was thinking since then about whether my attitude to the course is justified enough or not. If I am brutally honest then I do feel some what a casualty to the 'BPD diagnosis'. It feels a lot of the time that no matter what I say or how I react or behave that it is somehow blamed on 'your personality disorder'. Sometimes I want to scream at them and ask if their opinion would be the same if I was a 50 year old male presenting with the same symptoms. From past experiences though, such an outburst then gets blamed on 'emotional instability' or 'inappropriate displays of emotions as a result of poor impulse control, a further example of destructive/self damaging behaviour' (seriously).

I would quite like one of my friends or family members to speak to my psych or someone but I don't have anyone who could really do that. My Mum is too mentally vulnerable herself and I don't want to put her through the stress, I don't speak too much to my Dad and my middle sister is in the process of going to uni. As to my friends....my close friends are all aware I have some 'problems', they also know about the hospitalisations/self harm but not about any of the 'core' stuff and I don't feel it is appropriate or necessary to put it on them, at least not just for the fact it might benefit me to have them 'fight my corner'. I guess I'm just upset and frustrated. I have seen PD specialist services before for assessments and been told they aren't sure but that yes, I may have traits of BPD (and the ironic thing is I could quite happily accept and agree with the 'traits' summary of that!) but they also believed I fulfilled the criteria for Recurring Major Depressive Disorder and also Obsessional Compulsive Personality Disorder (mainly because of my view on self harm). They also told me at the time though that any intervention for PD help may do more harm than good and that it is equally possible that I actually have a disorder that falls somewhere on the bipolar spectrum (I have a family history). This was early 2010. I guess I should be pleased to be offered any help for my 'PD issues' at all. I just....I don't know.....I just feel like they aren't really listening to me, how I am and what I am saying and it upsets and irritates me. My social worker told me I don't exhibit classic signs and that maybe I 'just have a mild form of BPD or minimal traits' but if that IS the case then surely I should be strong enough to manage better and cope with day to day life??

Right this thing drives me ****ing mad!

In my unqualified opinion Borderline is perhaps the most spurious peice of psychological crap ever invented! I believe the bloody thing didnt even exist until around 10 years ago. From the little i know of it and from talking to both my former psychiatrist and my current psychotherapist every single one of us, be it sane or completely loopy, ALL display traits of BPD. There is no exception. People who merrily go around telling others they have triats or infact themselves running around claiming to have traits are perhaps correct, but that doesnt make them ill or BPD! I have traits, you have traits and so does Mr 100% sane UK (Mrs and Miss too).

One of the main things in my defence that i put forward was that i was not compulsive about my moods and actions. I was self aware and moreso aware of those around me especially in their relationships towards me and me towards them. I was not flying off the handle one moment and in peoples faces the next etc etc. My self harm wasnt out of control, and compulsive. My self harm was frequent because i wanted it to be! No amount of DBT would have stopped it because i didnt need it. I just needed to get my depression lifted enough to learn why it was i ended up hating myself so badly!

Now i have/had Major depressive disorder and recurrent Depressions that have been hard to treat. I have also had GAD and now i have it less severely. I knew that my self harm was bad but it was my choice because i felt the need to punish myself. I was severely depressed and that was all. Anyone could have bolted on other things if they wanted because if you look hard enough you can tailor any condition to your needs. My old psych was going to put me on Lithium at one point. I was set for the heart tests and everything because she said i have every symptom of Bipolar apart from the fact i dont go manic (WTF?????)..

So as you can see its not black and white and some people just want to pigeonhole. Ive never had a good self image, ive always been melancholy at times alone and ive always been a worrier.

Im not saying their diagnoses is good or bad. Im not saying you are right or wrong at all. Im saying that you need back up from friends and family regarding your thoughts. I didnt mean for them to go to the psych with you. I went alone, but i had back up in my mind because i knew i was supported in how i felt.

You need to ask yourself if the elements of this course are right for you. Perhaps askign family and friends regarding the symptoms could be a way to know if your hunch is right?? Alternatively it could be that they do agree you are in need of this kind of treatment and that you arent in a right mind to make the decision. The incident withthe crisis team the other night could be considered to be very borderline due to the irrational way you dealt with it in the spur of the moment, but at the same time this could have just felt like the final straw and been a natural reaction to something thats just made you snap that one time??

Its hard to write down exactly how i want this to come out. but basically get as much info from others before you decide and try to get a second opinion and perhaps even askthe MHT why they label you borderline if at all.

also just to add to my rant about BPD, i storngly believe that if you are an adult and you self harm it is often the "got to" diagnoses, because harming is one of the symptoms and they seem to think it must all be compulsive and irrational behavioural, hence a course of DBT. *sigh* sorry.

Thanks for your long reply Matt. I am actually kind of torn on how to respond to some of it (maybe I do have BPD! :p). Seriously though, it has made me think quite a lot and quite seriously.

I was wondering if anyone could offer some advice on the next thing (and I'm sorry for how pathetic it seems). As some may know....I had my place at Uni confirmed a couple of days ago, to go back part time to complete the degree I started before everything well and truely fell apart a couple of years ago. I am excited. I really am. This was what I always wanted to do. It is a better course for ME than the last one I started and am transferring from. I should be pleased. I know that.

I just....well....the very thought of the practicalities of it makes me want to be physically sick....it is literally like someone has pulled a plug or something and my head starts swimming and nothing feels real and I can't breathe properly. I have a scheduled psychiatrist appointment at the end of the month and I was considering asking her to represcribe me some regular anxiety medication to help me manage. Even the thought of being on campus/in lectures/seminars is literally overwhelming. I have tried to go back once before and failed miserably. The problem is that historically taking regular medication is a MASSIVE trigger/issue for me. I know it should be 'if you want to feel better then take it', but it honestly is not that black and white. It petrifies me. Even taking physical health related meds will often trigger a panic attack/sickness.

But I genuinely don't know how to cope with Uni if I don't have something to help. I have put in place certain things to try and help. I have a meeting with the mental health advisor at the university this Wednesday. I am also planning on going to the campus to get my bearings a couple of times before term starts, I will probably start by going in the evening when it is dark (I KNOW already that is kind of pathetic) so hopefully there will be almost nobody there. I have also briefly discussed having a friend come with me for the first couple of lectures to make it easier and less stressful. I don't really know what else to do though.

It feels very 'wrong' and 'dangerous' for me to be trying to move forwards, it honestly does. I am scared of the consequences, even though logically I know that is the 'ill' part of me kicking off. I just don't know what to do though. How do I deal with the anxiety uni poses? I feel like this is actually making me More 'ill'/messed up! But maybe I have just been living a life where I have rarely had to voluntarily do anything that is difficult so that I have avoided dealing with a lot of my issues. That scares me too though! Thinking about seminars, in a room with 10-12 people discussing history or literature for an hour literally feels like pure HELL right now! I do WANT to do it, I really do but....I want to do it comfortably. I don't want to put myself through hell to get a piece of paper.

I REALLY WANT that piece of paper though and I want to enjoy the experience of getting it though! My mood/enthusiasm/excitement etc lifted higher than it has in years when I got confirmation of my place. And it felt so Amazing to have people fussing etc because of a positive reason! I just feel like someone has been holding me with a rock tied around my waist above a cliff though and that they are about to drop me! I AM excited but I am also petrified. I don't know what to do to make this 'safer' for me.

Have you applied for the disability allowance for students? You could also see if you can have a support worker/mentor to be with you initially to help you settle in. Having agreed plans like making sure you are sat near a door in case you need to leave will also help you fell more comfortable. If there are times you can't cope with seminars then make sure you get a recording. The MH advisor is likely to have even more ideas to make this a successful time for you.

Thank you for replying and your suggestions. I can't get a support worker from the CMHT since mine has literally only just been stopped. The guy I am seeing on Wednesday did mention possibly having a mentor but I thought he said (and I may be wrong) that this would have to be funded by DSA or would be as a result of being awarded DSA? I'm not sure. I have not applied for it yet, I think he said he would make some enquiries and help me with it on Wednesday. Can you get a recording of seminars? I was thinking about taking a voice recorder to lectures with me so I could listen to it and make better notes afterwards (concentration) but I wasn't sure if that would be allowed? I'm also worried about doing group projects and presentations. I don't want to let people down. I'm also theoretically starting this psychology group around the same time as uni (I have the final assessment/meeting/discussion thing) on Tuesday. I don't know how that will effect things either. I know I SHOULD be able to cope with this stuff, I mean other people manage a lot more. I'm just not sure how to though.

I guess I will speak to my social worker and the mental health advisor next week and see what they suggest.

Hi Emma.
Sorry I haven't checked in on you for a while but life has been ... life. All I can offer you at the moment is *hugs* and well wishes due to the hour, but please know they are heart-sent. You have made some massive steps and I am proud. In terms of recording your seminar, ask whoever is in charge or organising it a day or two before. Usually lecturers, tutors and the like don't mind you recording if it is only for your benefit (i.e. you aren't selling the recording), so it's worth asking the question.

I would definitely look into applying for DSA. They should allow you to make voice recordings of lectures and/or seminars so that you can listen to it at a time when you can concentrate on it better (many lecturers will let people do this anyway so long as they ask before doing it).

They can definitely do things to help you with group projects and presentations. I had to do two presentations at uni and ended up doing neither of them - one just because my partner didn't turn up, but the other because I was so anxious about it so they gave me a concession (i.e. didn't count it towards the marks) - and I didn't have DSA, so DSA gives that further 'protection' meaning that you don't have to use it but it takes the pressure off because it's there if you do need it.

Universities can be very very good at helping with mental health, don't be afraid of talking to them about it. I had a pretty high number of mental health incidents in my second and third year of uni, and they were brilliant about it. Sometimes it can help just to have them know in advance so that it avoids the whole 'getting to know you' and referral time if things reach a point where you need help.

xx

Can't add more to what's been suggested but I did want to say that there is nothing 'pathetic' about how you are feeling, Em! Not at all.
There are a lot of changes coming up for you, no wonder you are worried. I'd be terrified too, of going back to school.
BUT, I also do think you can manage it.
Pls do look into the DSA, the mentor, etc. The help is there for you...try to use it because you do deserve it.(Despite what your head is telling you after reading that!)
xx

I'm sorry. Thanks for the advice.

've done something fairly stupidand it hasfreakedme out. I cut to make sure my grandmothers were ok. Itwas not enough so i cut somewhere different from normal. I know I am ****ing stupid. ****.... I Know how irritated anyone else typing this would make me. I am really sorry. I am petrified of a+e, I hardly ever go. I am more than happy ofdealing with the consequences of that normally. Ifyou know me 'in real life' then you would know that to look at me, there is nothing wrong. My scars are always VERY carefully covered. I smile. Nobody would know...well....at least I mean I cover my scars.

For the first time in 10 years I broke this. I have cut my hand badly...more tha once. Not as badly as my 'usual' but badly enough that I know techincally I need at least two stitched up. I am so ANGRY with myself. I will get them seen to. I can't cope with explaining the resulting scars with people otherwise....I can't hide them forever. I am terrified of medical treatment for wounds though.

I really am SO SORRY. I know this is all my fault,,y decision, choice etc. Could I please have some encouragement or support with the treatment thing though? I know I was bloody stupid to do it, I have NEVER done it somewhere so obvious....ever. I just, well....ran out of 'clean' space on my arms and my legs did not feel 'right' tonight. I am sorry. I really am....I know I am pathetic. I am really scared though. What the hell do I tell people??? I have to get them closed or it will be really bloody obvious forever. I am terrified of going though.

I know....consequences and actions.....Please believe me...I am already beating myself up more than anyone else possibly could. Could I please just have some support or hugs or something? I am really scared of this. A+E/treatment is a HUGE trigger of mine. I'm sorry. Honestly...I am. Sorry.

Em chick try not to think long term right now just think of going n getting it closed u can do this chick if neone can u can let me know how u get on hugs xxc

*Hugs*

You can do this, you'll get through it. You're doing the right thing in deciding to get treatment - and however scary it is at the moment, in the long term it will be much better for you.

I've hurt myself in the same place before, although not so badly, but I do understand the worry that it's somewhere very 'obvious'. Don't beat yourself up for it though, there's no 'right' or 'wrong' places to do it.

Thinking of you x

Thank you so much :)

I saw social worker and cried at her for an hour and then took myself to the minor injuries unit. The nurse was lovely and it is all sorted now. Just need to figure out whether to invest in fingerless gloves or something or try and come up with a plausible excuse. Thanks again.