erm just wrote out stuff i being thinking about, but i couldnt make myself post it. damn it what im i so scared off. curls up and hides

*finds and empty corner to hide in*

*sits in corner and waves to everyone before falling asleep*
i spies kahlia :)

*Hugs Lia*

*Hugs Sarah*It's not your fault , really .

*Hugs LizLiz* Hi :)

*Hugs Heather*

*Hugs Jill*

*Hugs all my other wardies*

Huggles all. Great another day to feel utter crap, anther day were I realise that I was to scared to attempt something stuiped. Curl up and crys. Sorry none of you need this. =[

*Hugs Jill*

Well the Houseing benifit assesor lady came just now , she was here for 5 minutes Max , ask a few questions , Name , postcode , are you on income support ........ and had me sign the form and left , she seemed nice and was plaesant and came early *YEY* , So releived that it's over , she didn't even want to look at my bank statement or income support letter like the letter said to have ready . I offered her tea but she didn't want any , SO glad it's over :)

Ummm I'm at the cyber cafe "volunteering" heh , In all honesty I sat in a chair for 20 minutes before being told I can use the computers hmmm , am I volunteering ? I'm here though, I guess I just have to wait to be told what to do .......

Cuddles mark. Erm I tried to end my life a few days back, thinking about death a lot lately. Really miss someone and just want to be with them, and I know I can't and it kills me. Got stuiped thoughts running through my head, just want to try again. Damn that's so messed up.

*Cuddles Jill Tons* I'm so sorry you are feeling so awful , please try not top act on those bad thoughts , You are worth so more than this . We here would really miss you should anything happen to you :S

It's good your there, though it can be hard sitting about waiting it is still volunteering. It was could you saw someone about income support.

I am sorry your not feeling great, we are here for you. It is so hard when you miss someone. *hugs*

i have the pills next to me my husband is out and am so close to taking them
dont know what to do help

*Hugs Ryuu , Put the pills away , please do that, Then put on some music you like and try and divert your attention , Or go out for a walk or put on the T.V. or surf online ......

*hugs anyone who wants*

mark, glad the housing benefits meeting went well <3

gah its cold =[ should have breakfast... maybe.

Ha, no one cares. Lol.

It would seem that I have truly cracked...ROFL.

*Hugs Lia* I care , I really do , I've had a stressful day , kind of , I really didn't know what to say . I am a bit concerned about you , are you sort of numb ? I know that feeling . I'm sorry I didn't post earlier .

No, it's not numbness. I've never really had this before. It's kinda I really don't care about anything that happens to me and...well I guess twisted really is the word to use. It's like I'm not even me. I act the same, but feel so much differet. Perhaps I've snapped. Perhaps I've gone nuts. Wouldn't that be fun!

Has anything happened to triggered this feeling Lia?

Had another rough day. Feel so on edge and down. :(

It kinda started yesterday evening. I was talking to my friend Ellis and I went kinda weird on her. I was talking about my growing need to lose weight, despite being at a healthy size. She warned me against it and I got kinda upset and then she said 'I hate it when you're like this'. What I was 'like' is me with my mask off. Obviously I took that as her not liking me unless I was hiding behind the Ice Queen, so I promised her it wouldn't come back off and resolved it never would again.

The thought made my cry almost hysterically into my pillow, but I spoke as if everything was normal to her (we were on MSN). Only once I had stopped crying, I accused her (nicely) of hating me without my mask and she said 'hate's a strong word', so I presumed that meant I was right.

That was when the grin came up. A sort of crazed grin which blocked out the pain I should have felt then. The hurt that should have came with showing someone the real me and it being rejected. She swore she would always love me, and she will as long as I'm not myself.

My mood went kinda twisted then and I started to be very cold. Not to her, but she was getting really upset, and although I continued to reassutre her, I really didn't care. Not like I usually do. The part of me that was still human comforted her, but the other part of me was urging me to tell her where to go. It was like I was two seperate people right then with the twisted one being the most dominant.

It's not as bad as it was yesterday, but it's still there and it's starting to scare me. Sorry about the long post. Feel free to ignore me.