Why is it you can never scream or cry when you really want to? Or never stand up for yourself when you think you should?

Like today, I read 3 and 1/4 Chapters of my textbook, and these are not small chapters being easily 60 - 80 pages in each in an A4 style book but my housemate is mad at me because I "didn't leave the house". I know that I struggle to leave the house because of my Agoraphobia and that the "exposure therapy" in getting out is supposed to help, but I worked so hard at my readings, and I made sure that the house was clean and the dishes were done.

DOESN'T ANY OF THAT COUNT FOR ANYTHING?

I also noticed that our internet was off and changed the settings for our new provider so that it was all set up for him when he got hom. But nothing I do is worth anything to him. I may as well go and kill myself because he wouldn't even f*cking notice.

I'm so over this. I just don't want to go through this anymore.

I'm sorry. This just hurts so much.

*cuddles JK* I miss you too! I hope you will be okay in the longterm. Hang in there <3

Mark- haha yea, 3 in the morning. I dont know why im still awake, i should probably go lie down soon. Had a frustrating evening at work so now i've been chilling out for about 2 hours and cleaning... yes i know i'm weird.. cleaning my apartment around 2-3AM.

*takes the pillow and heads over to corner for sleeping*

*Hugs Kahlia* You shoulden't kill yourself , I'd miss you tons and am sure the whole ward would too , Well done on all that reading AND cleaning AND internet stuff , it sounds to me like you had a productive day .I think your flatmate would miss you a LOT too.

*cuddles kahlia* taking care of the house really should count for something, im sorry that you are feeling unappreciated... that is really unfair. Please don't give up though, you are doing so amazing, fighting thru everything, especially lately. Hang in there hun.

*jumps on JK and then hugs everyone else*

*Hugs Helen*

I just got back from having Lithium bloods taken.

Then I met with my Nurse and told her how my S.I. has spiraled into a daily occurance for me and that I've stopped my Antabuse and that I'm feeling low . She is going to research in-patient S.I. programmes in the UK for me . I didn't even know they existed . I'd give it a shot , I'd try almost anything ( Hence why I came off the Antabuse) , I'm really desperate .:(

*tackles JK then cuddles everyone else*

JK, we've missed you!! (obviously!! ^_^) Sorry that you're not doing the best, but... well, it would be nice to have you about a bit more, although no condemnation or anything for you not being about as much as a lot of us are!! :)

Mark, well done on talking to your nurse about that. I hope that she finds an IP self injury program for you that you can go to for help. I will be praying about it (if that doesn't offend you). <3 you, big bro. How are you doing otherwise?? Played any WoW lately? *huggles*

Hels, how are you today, love? *huggles you too*

Laura, I hope you eventually got some sleep!! Cleaning your apartment at 2-3am-ish is rather odd, lol, but if it works... :P *huggles you as well!!* How are you today? how's uni so far?

Sorry not more individuals... am tired as I got up at 5:20am. >_< Again. Second day in a row, stupid me. I have no idea what woke me up this morning. I really hope that it's not becoming a habit... >:( I am going to punch my sleep cycle in the noggin if that becomes the case!!! (no idea how I'm gonna do that, but hey, sounds good, ey?) Hehe.

Uni starts for "everyone else" on Monday & my bestie may have moved by now... I miss her already. I have no idea how frequently I will see her and I haven't even gotten to say goodbye (OR gotten the music I loaned her back... >:(... not a happy April about that!!). Poop.

Stupid ED. It's 8am and I've been up for nearly 3 hours and haven't yet eaten anything (or taken my Abilify, whoopsies, haha - evil medication [for me] that it is!!). My tummy is growling but I don't want to eat anything. Stubborn me. But I'll have to if I want to have any concentration today... so I shall do that in a bit. :)

*cuddles everyone again, then goes off to hunt down some food* :P

Prayers that I can get into an inpatient S.I. programme ( that lets me stay on my meds !) would really really be appreciated April , Thankyou :) *Hugs Ya* I looked online but coulden't find any programmes ,hmm my nurse has more resources I guess <3 you lil sis :)

*leaves hugs in a pile for everyone*

Sorry, I tried to do individuals, but I'm tired and I think I'd miss too many people.

So yes, I am very tired having had very little sleep last night. I'm also feeling quite anxious and scared and just generally very down.

*cuddles Mark* I will be praying then. :) And I'm sure that any IP program would understand the need for meds!! (I would hope so, anyway!!) How are you otherwise??

*cuddles Claire* Aw sweetie, I'm sorry that you didn't sleep well last night. :( I got up super early for me - 5:20am - but slept okay... wish I could give you some magical faerie dust that cures all problems!! How are you doing, other than very tired? (or does the tiredness overwhelm all other feelings? - because I've been there too!!)

Thankyou April . I would have thought that a S.I. inpatient programme would understand the need for meds too but quite a while ago when I was in rehab for alcohol they took all my meds, anti-depressants, everything and wouldn't let me have them , needless to say I went and got VERY upset and angry and only lasted 3 days .

*Hugs Claire* I'm sorry you're feeling down and scared and those things :(

*hugs everyone*

I wish the tiredness did overwhelm everything else! I might post an actual thread later, try to straighten my head out a bit. I'm meant to be going out soon, should be okay. Maybe. How are you apart from tired?

Mark, I hope you find something. I think I heard of one place, but unfortunately it was for 'young people'. I also can't remember anything about it. I'm not much use!

Yeah , young people aren't the only ones who struggle with it , I've posted a thread and hopefully someone on RYL will know of a place , and also my Nurse is in the healthcare field so should have some luck :) I'm just hopeful that something works out , I can't go on Harming , its been 15 years, more than half my life .

Ugh I keep going on & depressing myself. :( I'm talking with a good friend on FB right now and she's trying to encourage me... but it's not really working. She's telling me that this is a fight worth fighting (ED) and I don't believe her... as much as I think it for other people, I am a hypocrite and don't believe it for myself. I just want to give up, curl up, cry, and slowly wither away. :( I don't know. Sorry for being so depressing. I'm just really struggling at the moment with my ED. I ate a XXkcal bit of food and it feels like a rock in my stomach... ugh. :(

I see my new nutritionist on Tuesday and as it gets closer, I get more scared. I don't really like her - or didn't in 2006 when I was admitted to their PHP there at the clinic. And my therapist said that she "can see why I think she [the nutritionist] is scary," and my NP said that "she [the nutritionist] doesn't sugarcoat ANYTHING and is not emotionally invested in her clients," which I think is a bad thing. The emotional investment bit, I mean. I might not need sugarcoating anymore. I don't know. I am just TERRIFIED. :'( I don't want to have to be admitted again either, especially with the chance of a job coming up... :(

Anyway. So that's how I'm doing. Kind of. I just am really low right now, and sore - my tummy and back both hurt - and exhausted too (but you already knew that, lol).

Sorry to ramble on so...

*cuddles Mark and Claire*

*cuddles everyone*

April, I'm really low today and very tired :S Well I know why I am, it's from not sleeping too well on Wednesday night. So I like went to sleep early last night, woke up properly whenever it was that Jade phoned me and fell back to sleep til about 10 minutes ago & it's nearly 3pm. I feel ashamed. I also feel poisoned but that's another matter in itself.

*Hugs April*

*Hugs Helen* Why do you feel poisened? You obviously needed the sleep , don't feel ashamed Helen .

*cuddles Mark & Hels*

I second Mark's question, Hels. Why do you feel poisoned?? If you don't want to say on here, then feel free to PM/message me if you want. :) Also, am sorry that you're exhausted (know the feeling!! lol), and feeling low and ashamed (also, why ashamed?). Wish I could make you feel better. Just know that we're here cheering you on... you are fighting whatever it is that is plaguing you very well!! *extra big hugs*

Hmm... I took a nap but I am already exhausted again. I really don't know what to do about that. I really ought to do the dishes. Really really ought to. I've been planning to for a bit but it just never happens. Ugh. :( I feel so damn lazy and stupid and all things bad.

I'm kind of upset at/with Jarrod... :(

*hides in the warren & cries yet more*

* hugs everyone *
Still feeling numb wanting to cut trying to keep busy

*huggles everyone*

Had a flashback nightmare, woke and thought I saw him [CSA perpetrator] standing in my room. Haven't been able to get back to sleep and now I'm in the living room and there's noises outside and it's freaking me out.

Sorry, so selfish. :-(
*grabs bear (my teddy-bear) and hides*