I don't want to end up back in hospital , I am just hoping these feeling go away . soon. If I told any of my supprt team they might want me to go back to hospital, I'll just keep on smiling on the outside , it'll get better right ? It has too .......

*cuddles mark tightly* please dont act on any of the plans. If you feel like you are please tell someone or go to the a&e... You are an amazing guy. Please try to stay safe. You don't have to fake being happy.. thats how things get bottled up.. then you might explode all over the place. And yes, things will get better eventually, it just takes time. So hang in there hun.

*cuddles helen* how r u doing today?

*hugs JK* I really appreciate your reply hun. I'm sorry that you are struggling so much atm. I know its really hard to get caught up in here sometimes when the posts come so fast. But remember, if you ever need to talk I'm just a PM away.

*hugs kat, nicole, kahlia, julie, and lindsay*

I spy Oliver!

Ugh... studying day. I'm glad that I get done with my finals on Tuesday. Although everyone here is jealous that I dont have any on Wed-Friday. I can't wait to be done!

really? they put you in hospital just like that? can i borrow your support team for a while?? isnt there anyone else like a family member or someone you trust??

thanks for the hugs mark *huggles back* I try not to think on it most of the time. I just remember the story Jack told me about the guy who had THE failsafe suicide plan, and lived to tell the tale of how it failed monumenttally, and now he says he lives because obviously he wasn't meant to go.
I understand you dont want to go to hosp, no one wants to end up in hospital, but if that's where you've gotta be to get better, then isn't it best?

I spy an oliver

edit: Hi Laura *hugs*
edit two: i'm dumb

I'm just scared that they would , I've spent 12 days earlier this year but I was in there 100 days last year , both times I was suicidal .............

ooh hello there my fellow wardies, 15pages since I was last in the common room!! Things have been busy and I seem to have stumbled in on a conversation with Mark having a naughty plan?! Please please please seek whatever help it is that you need Mark, even if it means having to go to hospital. It may not be nice, but its far better than acting on your plans. *super duper huggles Mark*

Ooh you know whats needed?! A super duper group huggle!! Ready?!.....

"GROUP HUGGLES!!!" *huggles all her wardies so tightly*

Gosh I've missed you guys and its only been a day and a half!.....I think.....maybe 48hours now.....anyhoo....

It's okay, I'm here, I'm fine.............

Well no to be honest, I'm not fine. I got offline last night and went to take a bath, had a nice hot one, then went to the bedroom... and had flashbacks of the sexual abuse that happened in high school. It was really, really bad, the worst it's been in awhile. Then Jarrod came in after his shower and calmed me down but my NP didn't respond to any of my texts... so I'm waiting... they were kind of urgent texts. I don't know. I just feel so damn alone. Jarrod gets angry at the guys who abused me when I talk about it so I don't much, and then it just gets bottled up inside... I don't know. :-S

And Mark, I know you're not the only one that cares about me... it might sound weird, but thanks for worrying about me, guys... it means that you care... and that means a lot to me. I'm sorry that I caused worry though.

*cuddles all*

*joins in the group hug, then gets out quickly because she cant breathe*
*hugs mark* i know how you're feeling, but do you think it is best to tell them? i mean if they admit you to hospital it might help you, no matter how bad it is at the time.
*hugs april* sorry you're feeling crap and that you had bad flashbacks, i know how awful they are, just remember we ALL care, and are here if you need to talk *extra tight hugs*

wow. efficiency. I've attempted suicide about eight times , and attempted to kill my hubby once during the third time..i've stayed in hospital...once, for one night, the very first attempt way back when I was 15. The time I tried to kill jack, the police took me up the hospital with him, but only because they were giving me a lift! the hospital sent me home to my parents house with him, even though i'd moved out and they were part of the cause! He's even taken me in on a section 136 (he's a cop), and his collegue said in the car on the way up the hospital, 'they wont section her, she's too lucid, just take her into a&e as suicidal, we wont put this on record'

*joins in group hug* Hi april, hi hayley. I'm sorry you had flashbacks april *huggles tight safe hugs*

Wow busy ward... lots of people looking/reading anyway... *spies a Hayley, Nicole, Oliver, Kat, and Mark* :)

Mark, please get the help you need, reiterating what others have said. I care about you - and all of you - too much to just "let" you attempt. Please, love. Get the help that you need!! *cuddles tight*

I'm so sorry to have caused such concern , I'm feeling suicidal yes , but I am trying SO hard not to act on it . It comes over me in waves , anyone get that?. Thankyou everyone for your supportive words . I'm sorry I don't know what else to say :S

*huggles April* I wish I could take away the flashbacks from you....from all of us who have sufferred sexual abuse, well, any abuse. All I can say is that I understand, but you have to have faith in yourself that you're stronger than the flashbacks, they are horrific memories from the past, but somehow you need to focus on a way to see that you're safe with jarrod in the present. Does that make any sense?! I don't know. I just know that when I have my nightmares now, Eoghan finds a way to calm me and make me feel safe. It wasn't that way when we first got together, I didn't want him any where near me and I just wanted a vodka (or four) and a fag (or ten). Sorry I'm waffling. Its just I want to be helpful cos I care about you, but I don't know how to do it....

*waves fan (pretty oriental style) by nicole* sorry my group huggle made it hard for you to breathe. I'll make sure you can be on the very outside in future, involved but not smothered, ok? I want you to feel cared for, not contained.

*huggles Kat* haha, it seems we're keeping you busy on the editing front this evening. And oh boy thats crappy bout the lack of help when you've been suicidal before. How's baby hazel-gracie bumps? Behaving herself for mummy? I hope so!

Yes April, lots of people busy reading and wandering around the ward, I've about 11pages still to catch up on. Its good to keep my mind occupied.

*hugs mark* we're all just worried about you and want to make sure you're ok, better safe than sorry. it doesnt matter that you've caused concern, we'd rather you told us that sufferd in silence and bottled it all up.

I get that mark, just keep your head up above those waves, and we'll try to be your lifeboat crew.

i spy an oliver again, playing peekaboo

edit: how'd you two sneak in before I got that posted again!? will respond in new message because i can't remember what I wanted to write

*huggles hayley back* yeah, no support down here for mental health issues. i've been to counselling four times in nine years. she's being good, sleeping is getting much better! :)

*hugs hayley* thanks, it was a bit scary in there!
*hugs kat* i know what you mean about of the lack of help for people with MH issues! its the same here.

Stay strong, Mark, love... and don't you worry that you've caused concern, it's better than not saying anything and then just one day disappearing... :( I would miss you SO MUCH, you have no idea how much you brighten up my day. *cuddles* And yes, it does make sense... the suicidal urges come on me the same way... it is scary, isn't it? how there can be such a rush in them... but you WILL make it through. Remember that...

so stand in the rain, stand your ground
stand up when it's all crashing down

Don't forget to listen to that song!! Here, I'll post it again... :D

[ame]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FlXlUgHUc60[/ame]

I don't THINK that has anything triggering in it... if it does I will take it down.

*cuddles Hayley* Yer it is a good distraction, isn't it? (this ward I mean) Have you played much WoW lately? I miss talking WoW with you. :) This morning I ran Ahn'Kahnet (Old Kingdom, a WOTLK dungeon) with my husband and another guildie and two randoms. It was good. I only died once and that was the only death in the whole thing... pretty sad that I died though since I was 73 and the tank (Jarrod) was an 80... but oh well. Lol. We might do another random dungeon this afternoon... I don't know if I will be "unanxious" enough though... And thank you for your kind words, I just hope that I get past the memories of the abuse... it's been over a third of my life since it's happened and yet it still bothers me... and I don't have a therapist now to talk it over with so my NP will "have to do." Heh. :-S

*cuddles everyone else, then hides* :(

*Hugs April* Thankyou for posting up that song , it so inspirational :)

*hugs nicole back* yeah, thats why i've got no support at the moment, there isn't any. I dont think anyone of authority even knows i have these problems. I have a gp diagnosis of depression from aged 15...!

*nods head and agrees with nicole* yes Mark, listen to our wise young one, far better to talk about things with us then let it bottle up. And I too know how things come in waves, it makes you wonder if you're coming or going. We just need to get you a surf board so that you can ride the waves and get to shore safely.... (sorry my mind just went to that metaphor)

Kat - I'm glad Hazel is sleeping a little better, just give it time. She'll throw in a hellish night from time to time too just when you think you've made a breakthrough, just to keep you on your toes. I remember my godson, when he got to about 10months, he refused to go to sleep with me in the flat. From about 7months he would only let me be the one to settle him - which his mum gladly let me have the duty! (we lived together for a while incase your wondering how that worked) but then at 10months when he got to big to hold like a baby to soothe he wonuld have none of it. So I would have to get my coat and shoes on and say goodbye to him so he thought I was going out, I would then go round the back of the flat and climb in through my friends bedroom window and hide quietly in her room until she had him settle down for the night. That went on for at least 6weeks! oh the joys! LOL Kids hey?!

April - thanks for reposting the song. I was thinking of the ward motto that Kahlia taught me "It can't rain all the time!" Oh and as for WoW I've not played since friday night. Well I started during the day helping mark, which was soo much fun going into a low level area and looking like I knew what I was doing, haha, cos I keep dying on my current quests. But then after I found a few helpful people to team up with to do quests and I ended up playing 7hours straight, which was fantastic to not have my mind think about anything else. Eoghan didn't come round mine fri night, but I went to his yesterday but came back this afternoon. I'm just really not in the people mood, got as cough and feel extra lowsy on top of PMDD and all I could think about was getting hom to be on line to say hi to my ward mates. But now you mention it, I may go on WoW for the rest of the evening....

Oh Oliver, if you're still popping in and out, sorry I missed your birthday. I hope you enjoy your 20's to the full! *belated birthday huggles*