Just need...

[phoenixflames_forever]

I just need a hug, i just need to know i matter to someone right now, am finding tonight a battle am just worthless right now. I just need someone to care and i feel so pathetic saying it.

[Katch]

Just want you to know I care - it matters to me that you feel this way - so much so that after really not wanting to log on coz I feel the same way and didnt think i could cope with any rejection - after reading your post I knew I had to let you know you weren't on your own. Take care - I dont know you but I can listen if you want to talk.

[irkeninvader]

*hugs you*

You aren't worthless. Has something happened to make you feel this way tonight?

[phoenixflames_forever]

Thank you for replying to me, it always means something when someone puts some time and effort aside to speak to you, i get nervous like you about speaking on here because i get so so much rejection in the real world it feels like a kick in the teeth if you were to get rejected on here.
Am just in a bad place in my head right now with a lot of things going on and it messes me up, stuff i cant put into words, i just needed to someone to know that it still hurts and that they would sit there with me metaphoricaly for a while.
of course its the same to you both am always here if you ever do want to talk yourself it sounds like your not having an easy time either. Thank you again.

Take care,

Phoenixflames xxxx

[Katch]

I can stay and sit 'metaphoricaly speaking'. you dont have to say anything - but even if there aren't words in any order you can still chat away - they might make sense they might not - but I'll be here anyway.

[phoenixflames_forever]

Thank you :)
I had a dream about my dad today he looked at me so clearly veery detail of his face looked right he told me that i had to stop pretending that he was still here or that he would still come back and i had to stop torturing myself for it. It just triggered a whole tidal wave of emotions for me.
I mean its not just that but it set of a lot of other emotiuons too particularly the one about just wishing that someone would care about me and that would anyone even notice if just died up here?

xxx

[Katch]

how long ago did you lose your dad? I lost mine in April and i had one dream about 6 weeks ago that left me a wreck for the whole day so I know where you are comign from wth that. your feelings are normal and they are bound to have a huge effect on how you are feelign and bring up all sorts of emotions - for everyday folk coping with that is next to impossible somedays - for those of us with other issues it makes it even harder - dont punish yourself - and i am sure that someone would have noticed if you had stayed up there - without a doubt.

[phoenixflames_forever]

Am really sorry about your dad, I lost my dad near the end of january very suddenly, i hadnt actually had a dream like that for a while it just shocked me because it seemed so real but it brought up all that pain of knowing that i couldnt really ever speak to him again or actually even look at him face to face and get that comfort, it just made it all feel so raw again, because i know i would do anything to have him back.
Consequently it amplified my lonliness and isolation, and increasing paranoia that i am just one big joke to people and they just wish i'd dissapear too.

[Katch]

you sound a lot like me - it's wierd.
My dad died suddenly too and i never actually got to say goodbye - i got home too late- he was unconscious for 24hors whilst i was there but then passed away. in my dream he came to say goodbye and i felt so guilty for not being there - it seemed real and i woke up sobbing - i never cry. Hope you dont mind me sharing on your post - but you really aren't alone.
the disapear feeling is horrible isnt it - i got it right now - if i hadnt seen your original post i was just about to cut myslef of from ryl - msn and any other means of contact with anyone - it just seemed the easiest thing to do - instead i read your post and made my own - so thank you for that.
Hang on in there - things will get easier - I dont think the loss will ever go away but it will take a different place in our hearts - one that we can deal with and remember with good thoughts rather than the unhappiness it gives us right now. it all takes time - we dont always want to wait but i dont think we have a choice - and as we learn to deal with each emotion it dredges up we gradually get there. hugs xxx

[phoenixflames_forever]

I really dontmind you sharing sometimes its good to know (although its very sad) that someone feels the same, that they dont think am being dramatic or just blowing things out of proportion.
I didnt know my dad had died untill 24 hours later i was at uni my mam came to get me the next day she didnt want to tell me over the phone.
Me and my dad were so close and goin to see him at that funeral home was most scary experience of my whole life, he had some post mortem staining to his hands, i'll never forget how they looked, it burned into my mind. That wasnt how things were meant to end. I think over time you do learn how to cope with these powerful emotions a lot better as you said, it still hurts and its still there, but you kind of know how to just keep it somewhere else in your mind. But every now and then something comes to me and am sure you that really knocks us down and we cant control that emotion, like you and your dream.
Am realy glad you found the courage to make your own thread as well it kind of made me feel like i helped you in a weird way as well, because i also thought about cutting myself off totally i was tired of trying to force myself to 'fit' and that i knew i was probably no good to people here or in the real world.
You really have been a good comfort tonight i've always been cautious about what i have said before but i've found it very easy to open up to you and just be honest, so thank you a lot xxx

[Katch]

thankyou, i needed to feel as though i had helped someone tonight. you can chat to me anytime - pm if i'm not online and i will get back to you. glad i met you. I have a feeling there's loads to share and you can talk about your dad as much as want to. Dont know about you but it seems people often think its a taboo subject - but he was a big part of your life and deserves to have a place in your future. xx take care

[phoenixflames_forever]

Well thanks again, you really did help me, and yeah a lot of time i do feel as though i shouldnt talk abot my dad or people close to me dying because it makes people feel so uncomfortable, but at the end of the day he's still a big part of me.
The same to you btw if you ever just need to chat or a random hug just send us a PM, thanks for letting me get to know you :)

Take care,
Phoenixflames xxx

[Katch]

just wanted to pop by and see how you were today - thinking of you x

[phoenixflames_forever]

am not to bad today thanks. how are you doing?

xxxxxxxx