What on earth did I do...

[Casper_Fading]

To make people care. Somehow I started to be someone for people. I don't know how it happened or why but... thank you.

I've been going through such a **** time and it came very close to me just... doing it. I almost split up with my fiance with SIX weeks till we get married... and I couldn't cope. Plus i'm not sleeping and having horrible nightmares. I slipped up and now have two words scratched into my thigh. Which is fun to hide. I have to get changed hiding from him now. And to top it all off my health insurance wont cover an endoscopy. And i can't afford to have it done outright. ****. **** **** ****.

But my partner and i sorted stuff out. He's not well (paranoid scitz) BUT he's on medication and even though he says they're not working I think they're getting through a little. He's sleeping a lot which can' tbe a bad thing and he's going to apply for a job soon. Cause he quit his last one casue he thought they were out to gethim. :( Oh dear.

Anywho, i see my doctor today... huzza. Might have to tell him that I've been cutting down... alot... on what i'm eating and have lost er... 4 kgs in 5 days *cough* and that i keep fainting and cramping and basically i think my body is getting a bit fed up with me...

oh well..


thanks again to all of you who have kept me going the past week. *cuddles* i love you guys!

[Becca]

In answer to your question you were you and you are a wonderful person. I'm sorry about your health insurance not covering the endoscopy - that sounds really bad considering. Glad you have sorted things out with your partner.

Do try and tell your dr what is happening and let them help you.

*loves you lots*

[Ragdoll]

*big hugs* sorry im not more help but you're someone to me xxx

[Casper_Fading]

heh, i read the beginning of what i wrote again and it's like i'm fishing for complinemtns. i'm not i promise.

thansk guys. *cuddles*

[Yellow]

*endless squishes*
i love you jessypoo.
sorry i dont have more.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[airwolf282]

Becca is so right. You are a wonderful person and always helping others even if your not doing so well. It's great that you and your partner could sort things out. It sounds like you both are in need of love and support from each other right now.

4 kg in 5 days isn't good news and neither is the cramps and fainting. cramps can be caused by dehydration and/or low salt levels. I'm glad your going to the doctor, I am worried about you.

You know I won't be online from now on, I have to pack everything up this afternoon for the trip and we are babysitting for my wife's friend. Hopefully I can get to sleep by about 9 because I will be leaving no later than 4am tomorrow. You know my number if you want to talk you can always send me a text.

Good luck today at the doctors.


*hugs you*

Nathan

[Rain Keeper]

i love you Jess, because you are you! and there is no one like you. And if there were another one like you, you would make her happy too!. Its in you jess...you are loverly...and if you threaten to break it off again...pow ritght in the kisser!

Rainy

[Stellata]

I hope it goes ok with your dr today.

[effervescence]

you were you. that's what.

did you tell the doctor about the cutting in the end? forgot to ask before. let him do whatever he can to help you with the hospital thing, and don't forget what i said about going voluntarily vs not.

those words you cut are NOT true. not in the slightest. and i know this for a fact.

what did you say to the doctor when he asked you about suicide? cos you said you don't lie, and you must have a reason. you need to hang onto whatever that reason is.

you can't go, cos i wouldn't cope. so i'm glad you sorted it out with anthony and i'm glad you went to the doc and i'm glad you are still here and talking to me and generally being you :)

[Casper_Fading]

blaaaaaaaaaaaaah *blushes* you guuuuys

I went to my doctor... he said he'd section me (have me certified) if I got to the point I was at on sunday. He's awesome. He's really pissed off at my health insurance about them not paying for the endoscopy, he's gonna see if there is a doctor who he thinks is good to do it in the public hospital. SO dodge. Buuuut... I don't really care. As long as I don't stop eating completely it's not gonna get any worse... so I wont end up being stuck in hsopital. It's all good!!!

Thanks guys, you are all so wonderful. *cuddles* i don't know what I would do without you!

And chlo, I did tell him abotu the cutting. And he said... "no more to the cutting or I'llbeat you up" he had a tear.... It was very sweet. He's such a darling!!!!

[akita]

No more cutting or the whole meet will beat you up :P

[Queen Crabbit]

Jess, no words, but I love you trillions sweetheart.

[irkeninvader]

*sends you lots of hugs*

I'm glad you spoke to your doctor. You deserve to be well and happy. x

[ThinkingofRecovery]

Sorry, not really got much to give right now. Wanted you to know that I have read your post and thinking of you and that'll I'll post a fuller response at a later date.

*loads and loads of hugs*

[Merc]

oh sweetheart, you are YOU, thasts why we love you so much, why youyr lovely fiance loves you too!! I cant wait to get your pic to put in the loverly album you sent me :o) !! You are the first pic in there, my dearest nnsbjb :P

Seriously tho, pls be oh so careful, we both know where this road goes; you may feel in the drivers eat now but...well..i dont need say anymore, we've bioth been there.
*sends worried hugs*

I love ya Jess, i dont want to see anything bad happen to you.

love you babe
romp

(ps. proud of you for being honest, VERY proud!)

[lilmissy]

Just wanted to send love and hugs
sorry thats all ive got right now
xxxx

[crazykat]

*Cuddles* Here for you Jess if you need anything. Thinking of you

[Casper_Fading]

YOu guys are so awesome!

I feel so rubbish right now. Had an absolutly awesome time at the hobart show with my friend and her three year old daughter. Then I came home and i'm chilling out on the couch while my nan's dog and my kitty play... Then anthony and my little brother (he's not really we're just so close we're like brother and sister...) came over to get the beer that was in our room and asked if iwanted to come to a bbq at anthony's sister and i said no. I said i'm just to tired. But the truth is I can't face anthony's sister. I get so knotted up inside when i think about her that I almost want to throw up. What the hell am I supposed to do? SHe's going to be my sister-in-law in six weeks... what the hell do I do then? *cries* I couldn't face her.

[Casper_Fading]

I feel so worthless for being triggered by stuff that some people aren't. I feel like I should apologise. I've been staying away from threads and stuff becaue i can't handle it. I can't even handle some people signatures. Just that date with last cut next to it makes me feel so god damn triggered. I want to cut. Every damn day. FOUR slip ups in 2 YEARS! FOUR! I wish i'd never gone into recovery. Then maybe it wouldn't matter. Maybe I could see them and not care because i'd still be cutting very day... multiple times a day. Now I see them and I want to be he same. I want MY last cut to be that day. Or even the day before. I WANT THAT! But I can't. I feel so damn horrible for getting upset by them.

I know i'm a horrible person and i'm sorry. But i don't think it's something i can change.

[crazykat]

Sorry your feeling rubbish hun, is there something you could do to cheer yourself up a bit? Glad you had a good day out with your friend and her daugther tho you deserve that. I don't have any advice on what you can do about your sister in law sorry, maybe someone else will tho. Lets get one thing right you are not a horrible person so no more thinking that missy ok? Feeling triggered by other peoples signatures does not make you a horrible person, perhaps you could put all signatures on hide for a lil while until you feel a bit safer within yourself. Look after yourself hunny and you know where I am if you need someone to talk to. Take care
Kat xxx

[effervescence]

*cuddles*
had bad day so cant say much tonight. will get back to you tomorrow.
you are so strong and i know you want the cutting but you still want recovery i promise.

[roiben]

*cuddles*
*cuddles*
*cuddles*

'nuff said

[Casper_Fading]

*cuddles back to eveyrone* thanks guys.

Again had a tough night. Not enough sleep. Grinding my teeth so i've got a headache >.< Blah.

Thanks for caring :)

[ThinkingofRecovery]

Jess, hun, I'm sorry you are having such a tough time and wish I had more to give but in the meantime *sends loads of hugs*

[crazykat]

*Cuddles* Look after yourself, I hope you manage to get some sleep tonight

[Becca]

I am very proud of you for going and be honest - well done!!!

I'm sorry things are still hard *huggles*

[Trucktastic]

As its been said - we care about you because it's you.

I like the sound of your GP - cut again and I'll beat you up! And I'll put my two pennyworth in - cut again and we'll all beat you up!

I know in your post you're upset that you've cut four times in 2 years, but for me thats a huge achievement! I think you should be rightly proud of that. And you're getting married soon - if that doesn't make you nervous I don't know what will.

I don't know how to deal with your sister in law. My sister got married and hasn't spoken with her brother in law for at least 6 years. Is there something that happened between her and you? Is it something you can sort out with her?

but whatever happens, take care Love.

Lozx

[ThinkingofRecovery]

Jess, how are you doing today?
*hugs*

[Misunderstood.]

Just like other people have said, people care about you because you are you and you're such a caring person yourself, it can be hard to see it on the flip side though if you feel bad about yourself.
I know you might not think it but you're doing really well considering!
*lots of hugs*
I think you're great.

Catherine x-x-x-x

[Casper_Fading]

ahhh you guuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuys! you are all so lovely!!! *cuddles*

I got about 5 hours last night. SO that's alright. Going on a beach ride today which will also rock my socks! :D Huzza!

I fell out with my sister-in-law when she went and badmouthed me to anthony about me saying something that wasn't even about her and actually came very close to breaking us up. I haven't spoken to her since. THREE times she did it. I always said it wouldn't even be possible to talk to her again until she splits up with her boyfriend cause he is... not a very person. And surprise surprise! SHe's leaving him. WHy? Cause he' a total DOUCHEBAG! >.<

Anywho!

thank you everyone!!! you are all so wonderful! Thank you :)_

[irkeninvader]

Just dropping off some *hugs* for you. I hope you had fun at the beach :)

[ThinkingofRecovery]

*leaves a few more hugs*

You know you can always pm me. Take care hun. You have been so fantastically supportive to me recently.

[Casper_Fading]

The beac ride was great. Did loooooooots of cantering. Almost came off a few times when Major (my horse) couldn't catch up to the others in a canter and moved to a gallop and I couldn't pull him up, but we caught up and he slowed down... thank god!

Today is not going so good. supposed to be going to the movies but i'm in so much pain from cramps that I don't want to move at all. Hurting so badly. And this morning I had another blah fight with anthony and it's all a bit much right now. I almost drove into another car on my way home from last night nd if he hadn't slammed on his break I would have hit him. Dammit.

thanks for caring.

[Kuwairo]

Hun I have no words, but I read and just wanted to agree with everyone who said you were ace, really =]
PM box is always open, take care xx

[ThinkingofRecovery]

Hey, how you doing now Jess? Are you feeling stiff from the riding? Do you want to say more re your argument with Anthony?

*hugs loads*

[effervescence]

I have faith in you. I KNOW you can do this. I BELIEVE in you. I will believe in you until you can believe in yourself.

I will never give up on you.

[Casper_Fading]

Stiff from riding but it's good. Things are sorted with Anthony and me thank god. He came and snuggled with me on the couch and brought me drinks cause i could barely move >.<

Played hockey tonight and someone (On my OWN team) accidentaly smacked the ball straight into the side of my leg, just about the ankle bone and OMG the pain. It's getting worse. I'm hoping it will go away by tomorrow and just leave me witha bruise :P

thank you for caring. you guys are so lovely!

[Casper_Fading]

Had a great night out. Spent lovely time with friends :) Love them very much.


Got so triggered today. Talkin bout eating disorders and options for treatment in tas. there is none. cant afford anythign and dont care. i'm not sick there's nothing worng with me. i dn't have an e.d i'm to fat to need help. Iwan to cut tillt heres ntoing left of em. cut awy my fat. carve it off. get rid of it! SO ****IZNG FAT! I hate my body. i ahte it. I feel like going to my doctor and telling him that he should just leave me lone now cause there's ntohing wfrong with me. it dont matter anymore. it doenst.

Mirror - Barlow Girls

Mirror, Mirror on the wall, Have I got it?
'Cause Mirror you've always told me who I am
I'm finding it's not easy to be perfect
So sorry you won't define me
Sorry you don't own me

Who are you to tell me
That I'm less than what I should be?
Who are you? Who are you?
I don't need to listen
To the list of things I should do
I won't try, I won't try

Mirror I am seeing a new reflection
I'm looking into the eyes of He who made me
And to Him I have beauty beyond compare
I know He defines me

You don't define me, you don't define me


You do define me. I see you in the mirror and i hate you. I wish you would die. DIE YOU STUPID FAT FUGLY BITCH!

[ThinkingofRecovery]

Love the song! Glad to hear you had a good time with your friends.

I remember when I used to play hockey when I was younger and there was this one girl that no-one would ever approach because she would hit you instead of the ball - trouble is, I've always been a little stubborn and had many a bruise from her. The worst had to be when she swung her stick above her shoulder and I got it in the mouth - woah, did I look attractive for a while then.

[Casper_Fading]

Sharp pains in my chest. Hurting. So badly. Want to cut. Am at work. I could. it wouldn't mattr. nothing would.

i hate who i am.

[effervescence]

oh darling i know ALL about pains in your chest. i know it hurts, and its horrible, and scary, but you will be ok. keep hanging on and make sure you go to the hosp when your dr gets you an appt.
did you cut today?
*cuddles*

[Casper_Fading]

i didn't. i'm going to. :'(

[irkeninvader]

Try to look after yourself hun *hugs you*

Can you try talking to us instead?

[Casper_Fading]

I didn't cut. I ended up picking scabs off and bleeding a bit that way. blah. didn't help. *sighs*

i need sleep! That's what I need! Hoping to get some sleep this weekend! Hoping... not holding my breath though >.<

[ThinkingofRecovery]

Hey hun, nothing of use just loads of hugs. I love who you are Jess you should not hate yourself Jess - you are kind and caring and helpful, sorry sounds pathetic as it doesn't get anywhere near conveying how much you mean to people here.

*hugs*

[Casper_Fading]

awww thanks honey *hugs*

[effervescence]

i'm glad you didnt cut honey.
i really hope you can get some sleep soon. those stupid drunk people kept me awake, grr!

[Casper_Fading]

awww *cuddles* i ended up curling up on my couch watching tele until about 1 am then crawling into bed and lieing there curled up until anthony went to work at 2 and then dropping off at about 4 and waking at 6 >.<

[Casper_Fading]

If i died would it matter. would you care? would anyone. no. i think it might shake a few people, might make 'em bit sad. btu id on't htink it would hurt them for long. i'm fat and ugly and horrible and i should die. i really should. i deserve that pain and desolation and the end. I deserve for it to hurt and KILL ME!

not okay.

[akita]

Yes it would matter because you matter to people. Dont be silly jessica, of course people care.

[effervescence]

i have told you before on msn what would happen to me if you died.
so what you say just isn't true.
*cuddles*
i shall prank you whenever i can over summer, ok? we'll be ok, both of us, i promise.

[Casper_Fading]

blah. >.<


Love you chlochlo

[Misunderstood.]

Wordless but cuddelholldcuddel

Catherine x-x-x-x

[ThinkingofRecovery]

If i died would it matter. would you care? would anyone. no. i think it might shake a few people, might make 'em bit sad. btu id on't htink it would hurt them for long. i'm fat and ugly and horrible and i should die. i really should. i deserve that pain and desolation and the end. I deserve for it to hurt and KILL ME!

not okay.

YES IT WOULD MATTER! I WOULD CARE. YOU ARE NOT FAT AND UGLY AND YOU DON'T DESERVE THE PAIN.

Have I answered your questions? :-p

Seriously Jess, you are important. Please remember that. How are you doing now?

*cuddles tight and stays with Jess*

[Casper_Fading]

I had a good morning out at the markets with my fiiance :) we bought my grandma a lazy susan for her birthday! It's gorgeous, it's made of 4 different types of wood. Blackwood, sassafrass, myrtle and huon pine. She had tears in her eyes when we gave it to her becasue she's wanted one for so long but they're expensive and she didn't want to spend money on it. So that made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.

Do you hate bullies? I hate bullies. I need to cry. *curls up* i think i need to cut. *sobs*

[Casper_Fading]

I want to cut. I want to run myself a hot bath and slice myself to pieces.

I don't know if I can do this anymore. I just don't know. *sobs*

[effervescence]

yes, i hate bullies.
please take care of yourself honey. come on msn and talk to me about it.
yay for making your grandmother happy! :)

[ThinkingofRecovery]

Jess, you OK?

*hugs*

[Becca]

If i died would it matter. would you care?.

YES DEFINITELY

*Me hates bullies too*

How are you doing now?

*more cuddles*

[Casper_Fading]

Things got scary last night,. i posted in rant and vent. but i'm alright now.

thanks for caring guys :)

[ThinkingofRecovery]

I tend not to read people's r&vs partly due to respect for their privacy but also, selfishly, to try and not be triggered. Is there anything in particular that was difficult last night? How you feeling now?
*many more hugs*

[Casper_Fading]

i was tired. i was binging and my head was trying to make me go there again. cept the date passed and I didn't get there and now I have to wait. I don't know what i'm supposed to freaking do. If my doctor finds out that I had a date i'm screwed. I'm only keeping myself out of hospital with some very fast talking. If he finds out this... he's gonna have me sectioned. F8ck. Going to melbourne on tuesday... seeing a friend tuesday then i'll be lone till wednesday lunch time when i have my first conference session. SO if i'm going ot do anyuthing it has to be then. i'm not sure yet if it'll be the right time though.

[ThinkingofRecovery]

Jess, please don't do anything. Remember what you said to me about it being better to cut alot than be a little dead. If you need to binge/cut at the moment, I would much rather that you did that. It scares me to hear you talk of dates :crying: . It is not the right time Jess. Please tell them how bad it has gotten for you. Maybe hospital or crisis team/home treatment team intervention is needed just for a short time to help you. Please Jess, I care about you. This is a blip, just think how far you have come. Your wedding is coming up, how would Anthony feel?

*hugs and hugs and holds Jess to keep her safe*

pm me anytime you want. If I'm not around, remember I gave you my work email address a while back, you can always email me when I am at work.

[Casper_Fading]

I'm not even sure if I want to do it. It just seems like the only thing left. I am so sick of falling down and falling and falling. I went to work this morning, felt like rubbish came home and i habe horrible stomach pains and my heart is going funny every now and then and I have a headache. I think it's cause i'm so tired and cause i was heaving up my toenails last night >.<

thank you for replying lovey, you didn't have to i know you're struggling. thank you you're ace.

[ThinkingofRecovery]

Jess, hun you really aren't well and need to be honest with your doc even if that means you need to go into hospital for a short while.

*tells Jess off for her having removed the date from her signature - this is a slip up*

Sorry not much to add at the moment but *leaves loads more hugs*

[Casper_Fading]

i go to melb tomorrow. i see my doc wednesdya week. so week and a bit. I'll be okay. i'm always okay. >.<

I took the date out cause i didn't want anyone to fel bad bout seein it. *shurg*


thanks honey. 8hbgus*

[effervescence]

talking to u on msn but just thought i'd drop by and leave you some *snuggles*
i'm sending you strength vibes too.

[Casper_Fading]

i'm gonna miss you darling. I love you lots and lots.

[Casper_Fading]

I cut last night. Dammit >.< I don't even remember doing it. But I was talking a friend online and she said I told her. ****. **** **** ****. and it's freaking obvious! It's on the bottom of my leg! ****!

[Pomegranate]

*squishes you* Is the cut ok Jess? How are you doing now?

[All I'm Living For]

*huggles and cuddles and squishes and lots of special little sister hugs*
I love you Jessi!! Its just a slip up, you'l get through this. I believe in you *nods*

[Casper_Fading]

it's deep but not sttiches deep. scared the ****ing **** out of me becasue it's been a long time since i've cut and not remembered doin it. blah.

sooooph stay away from this trhead! concentrate on your exam not me!

[All I'm Living For]

if i concentrate on my exam before the exam then i freak myself out. being here (and thinking of you) calms me down.
*cuddles you lots*

[Casper_Fading]

ahh well >.< don't worry about me cause i'm good :)

[All I'm Living For]

its my job to worry about you. its not as if you'd stop worrying about me if i told you not to..
you are good though, and you're god :P *cuddles lots*