What? *updated at the bottom 12.30 15/10*

[Pomegranate]

I don,t understand.
I felt worse this summer than I've ever felt. I saw people hurting me, being hunted, people coming after me because I didn't belong here. Everywhere people were trying to get me.

Then, bad but not so paranoid. I got warnings at work for not behaving as usual, for behing more 'guarded' apparently. I wasn't guarded, I just wanted the people to go away.

Then Europe, I travelled with 2 friends for a month round europe, long story but it was not disastrous. I am techinically 7 weeks free of SI. Europe accounting for the first 5. But I don't feel proud.

Instead I feel unsure, triggered, unloved and very alone and fake. Nothing I do seems worthwhile or significant or even real. It feels like a dream. I fantasise about slicing myself open and many other ways of hurting myself. I imagine the oding, drinking, cliffs, everything. I spent the best part of 9 months up until July in and out of hospital for stitching at least twice if not more every week and now I am nothing. I feel nothing, no emotion, purpose, anything.

I am sick of alternating between suicidal ideation, exilleration and nothingness. I want to be normal but I can't be. I hate myself for no longer having the courage to attempt suicide seriously. I don't want this anymore.

[Jetforce]

*cuddles emma*

Am thinking about u xx

[Casper_Fading]

I loves you em!!!! *cuddles* Yo uhave done AMAZINGLY well! Travelling by yourself (even with friends) is incredibly stressful! *cuddles* I am SO proud of how far you've come. It is OKAY to feel like you're feeling! But you're STILL fighting! And i'm very very proud of you!!!!! *cuddles*

[Pomegranate]

Thanks for the kind words.

#
I go from being up and focused, energetic, almost exhilarated to being suicidal with no tangible inbetween. In the last hour I have broken my 7 weeks. It needs closing but I might be able to do it myself without stitching. The most pathetic thing is that I am disappointed with this wound. I am not upset I broke my 7 weeks. I'm upset my self harm has gotten less severe. I feel out of control.

[Slip]

Massive hugs Em xxx

[Jetes]

*hugs*

[Stellata]

Have you spoken with Occupational Health about the work side of things?

Technically, you shouldn't be getting 'warnings' if it's part of a long term mental health difficulty, they should be working with you to find ways to help you cope better and supporting you in feeling safe.

[Margo]

Dont know what to say but i totally relate to the hate of not being able to kill yourself.

Take care

Matthewx

[shadowedseraph]

*hugs*

[MammaMia]

I hear you loud and clear and I know how most of what you're feeling..feels.

Darling, you've done increadbly well recently, travelling round Europe, kept going and everything. I don't think you see how strong you are sometimes hun. But seriously, you are.

I know what you mean about fantisting, feeling alone, fake etc. I feel all of that. Feels like one massive huge dream and you just want everything to be over right?

I don't know if this will help but I had this said to me in an email last night, from someone at uni, the chaplin infact. "There is a Chinese proverb about eating an elephant and it is to do it one spoon at a time, no matter how big the elephant, there is no short cut to eating it, Same is true for all of us in life, it is to eat one spoon at a time and to remember to chew"


Things will take time to heal, but you're going to get through this hun. You know you have to make your own choices, etc and nobody else can do it for you. Sure they can help....but at the end of the day, it's you that has to fix yourself. I'm trying to remind myself of that at the moment. It's scary **** isn't it? But I think we can get ourselves through this..


Sorry if I'm talking utter bollocks and this isn't helpful.


Mega hugs hun, these will have to do til I see you on Sunday, please talk to me then aswell? Please? Well if you don't want to, then I won't push it....


Love you xxxx

P.S. You are loved by so many people, but I understand it's hard to believe that right now. But you know I love you :) Plus, you aren't worthless, you're an amazing best friend in my life and I don't deserve your help sometimes...you could have walked so many times and given up on me, but you've stuck by me through my highs & lows. I'm eternally greatful for that :D

xxxx

[effervescence]

hey darling only just seen this.
i know how you feel, totally and completely.
it's scary, and tiring, exhausting, annoying, sad, desperate and more.
you need more professional help at the moment, i think, so you can get more support for work and for your SI and stuff. are you on any meds at the moment? if you are, they mmight be making you worse (citalopram made me majorly more suicidal) and you should change them, if youre not you might want to try them. can you have a chat with your doctor?
*hugs*

[Pomegranate]

thanks for the replies.

I am not on meds at the moment Chloe. Citalopram didn't really do anything for me and it was when I moved onto fluoxetine I started feeling an increased paranoia and being scared people were out to get me so I came off it. With hindsite it may not have been the fluoxetine's fault completely. I was not too good at all when I went on it anyway.

I don't know, I'm not anywhere near as bad as I have been. I just have phases of horrible lows and then being ok, but not, sort of numb with random highs. This would be a lot easier to explain if I could label emotions. Sorry, for the crap explanation. Will probably change my mind about the exact feeling in a bit anyway. All I understand is that the lows last longer than the other thing.

My point being that I can't go and ask for meds at the moment because I don't know what I should be saying or anything. I have made an appointment with the mental health co-ordinator at Warwick for 8 days time and she is always very good, even if she tells me what I don't want to hear. She will hopefully tell me what is going on, why my CPN and psych haven't arranged appointments and what to do etc etc.

Stellata- it's only a holiday job whilst I study so it probably isn't worth kicking up a fuss about, it just hurts because I have been working there for 4 years in a variety of permanent and temporary roles.

Sorry if none of this makes sense and isn't very eloquently written. Not sleeping very well at the moment but this always happens when moods do this so it's ok, just need to wait for it to pass.

[effervescence]

thats good, have a good chat to the coordinator lady.
well, there are lots more meds than just those two. i was on paroxetine once which is meant to be good for compulsions and paranoia etc.
just cos you're not as bad as you have been doesnt make it okay for you to be having these lows. i hope the coordinator lady can do something helpful for you!
*hugs*