Really Struggling Now.I CANT HANDLE THIS!!! UPDATE

[Yellow]

im on an edge. a tightrope. it could go either way.
i need to harm. i want to harm.
there is too much building in my brain.
my former dog has cancer....i miss my son to the extreme...im so worried about my mom...my grandma is still in the hospital from a broken hip and barely knows who i am....Kaleb is acting out in preschool. his grandparents let him get away with anything, there is never any consequences. he spends alot of time over there. we've talked of keeping him here more often but it would really hurt him because he loves being over there.

im tetering.
my head is spinning. im still taking the 300mg seroquel extended release. i have been mostly calm since i started it until yesterday and today.

my head is foggy and hazy.
i wish i could take a nap but my brain wont let me sleep.

i tried calling my therapist yesterday...left a message but havent gotten a call back yet.

i feel like my head is going to explode. i need to harm to release the pressure so bad.
but superficial cuts dont work anymore. if they did i would have probably already done it.

but i have to go deep or i get no release. they always require stitches. but it upsets everyone around me and i just cant do it. but at the same time....i dont know WHAT to do!!!!

i know distractions and such and im trying really hard.

im sorry.....pointless post.

[BoundNoMore]

*cuddles Rachel*
I am so sorry things are hard for you right now.
I am only a PM away if you ever need me.

[Katch]

Hi Rachel,
Just a quick Hello but a HUGE hug to you - I am at work and have managed to log on (but shouldn't really) so can't say much - except that I am thinking of you tons and know that you can get through this - it's not going to be easy and there is no easy answer or solution that I can give you - Just take each minute one by one - and for each one you manage to get by without hurting yourself be proud. I so wish there was something I could do to help - but even if just knowing people are thinking of you and caring about you helps a little then that is a start. I will be home in a few weeks (maybe 3) and then I can chat to you as much as you want. Please be strong - you deserve to be. Hugs xxxxxx

[Casper_Fading]

i dont' have any words babes, just want you to know I read it and am thinking fo you! *cuddles*

[sparklyshoes]

I'm not sure what to say Rach but I'm here for you sweetheart x

[Pomegranate]

Again I don't know exactly how to help except to say that I am here if you ever need or want to talk. These things will pass and honestly believe you can get through them. You're so strong Rach *sending you a big package filled with hugs* x

[Mandimoo]

love you, miss you, mand x

[Yellow]

empty.

we got a new cat yesterday. i was hoping it would cheer me up. it didnt.

ive hit another deep depression.

its so discouraging because i had faith in the new med.

*note to self-dont ever get my hopes up*

[Casper_Fading]

You have to give it time honey!!! Nothing happens straight away!!!! *cuddles tightly* love you sweetheart

[Pomegranate]

Listen to Jess, Rach. She is smart(ish)! The meds may take time to work as they are supposed to. Don't give up *offers hugs* x

[Casper_Fading]

what do you mean ISH!!!! I am SMART!!! *sulks*


*cuddles* love you rachypoo!

[MammaMia]

*offers snuggles*

Hope they help somehow hun. xx

[Yellow]

thank you. xxxx

still the same.
just HAD to start my period.
Rachel on period=completely crazy and irrational.

meh...im staying busy on myspace.
talking about the flashbacks is completely redundant now as i have them at least once a day.

i hurt.

[Margo]

you will grow to love that little cat.

Once your period os over things will settle.

in the mean time as much comforting as you can get. Nice films, hot drinks, chocolate cuddles, little cat purrs.

hugs
Matthew xxx

[Yellow]

thank you Matt.
true...things will settle after this god awful female crap.



BUT!!!!
Kaleb has just come home from his grandparents. his grandma(Kelly's mom) called and told us that she had spanked him...WITH A FLY SWATTER!!!! i thought i would lose it right then and there. but i didnt. i TRIED to help.

conveniently, she couldnt remember whether if she pulled his pants down or not!!!
apparently she spanked him because he hit her.
Kelly tried explaining that would only send mixed signals to him. OF COURSE IT WOULD!!! it makes me crazy when people dont or WONT understand that.

her mother said that i had put that in her head. DAMN RIGHT I DID!!! its what i believe. and i didnt force Kelly to believe it. she said she'd never thought of it that way.

as i was saying something in the background nana told Kelly to tell me to HUSH....because i was instigating things!!!! GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

NO....i was NOT instigating.
her mother believes these "newfangled" ways of disciplining children is ridiculous.

I DONT!!!

im a grown woman and have been told to "HUSH" by another grown woman.
and there's not a damn thing i can do about it because it would upset the whole family.

Kelly asked her why she wasnt using "time out" like we do. she said she "didnt have time" for that!!!!

she DOESNT work. she NEVER leaves the house. she hasnt left that house in over 6 months. she has ALL the time in the world.

she told Kelly that if we dont like the way they do things...then just dont let him go there. Kelly said fine.

i am MAJORLY triggered. that helpless, powerless, trapped feeling.
i dont know what to do.
just stay busy.
yes.

[Dramatic]

Rachel..sweetie..

You CAN get through this hun.
I'm sending you lots of love, hugs, and strength.
If you need me, please don't hesitate to PM me ok?
Hang on in there. You have our support. xxxx

[MammaMia]

You CAN get through this darling xxx

[Casper_Fading]

oh honey bunch *cuddles you tightly*

I'll tell you waht I told my friend Ange... EVERYON willthink they know better. They always do. It's always "well i did it this way nad t was okay' blah bljha blah.

*cuddles and pets* i love you sweet pea

[Yellow]

thank you. xxxx

i still feel pooish. hehe...i made up a word. and it made me giggle.
anyhow....im quite lonely despite having Kelly and the kids around.

i feel like i live in a separate world from everyone else. and its so lonely there.

the new med is still playing havoc with me. its an extended release antipsychotic, but is also used to treat mood disorders. im sticking to it for at least a month to see how it goes. sometimes i dont feel any side effectes and then other times(like tonight), i get soooo freaking hungry and i eat until i almost get sick...also i get very very sleepy.

up and down up and down side to side....
thats bout it...

[Casper_Fading]

*cuddles tightyl* love you and thinking of you

[Rain Keeper]

*hugs you*

[Yellow]

thank you both. xxxxx

the pain hurts.
i hurt.
i relate to the pain.
i can handle the pain.
there are the sexual flashbacks and the physical flashbacks. they both hurt to the extreme.
but the MEMORIES from them are the hardest. the pain goes away in 2 or 3 days but the memories remain.
sometimes there is a trigger...sometimes not. its almost like the dread of having panic attacks....just waiting for another in itself is so hard.
they sneak up and attack.

i cant get comfortable physically let alone mentally.
i havent seen my therapist in 2 weeks but he has called to check in on me. he promised to. he's taken a couple weeks for vacation. going to therapy IS very hard. but ive realized that NOT going after becoming use to it is even harder.

i will see him on Monday.

i just feel like everyone...everything is moving right along and im just watching.
i hurt.

i SAW my father a few nights ago. he was standing in the hallway. he smiled at me and waved. at the time no one could convince me it was a hallucination....but now i know it was.
when im "in the moment" of a hallucination or delusion, i believe they are real. but once ive become somewhat rational again..i know they arent.
but it doesnt make them any less scary.

i dont know what im rambling on about.
i feel like a selfish little girl.....whining about all my troubles and not replying to anyone else.
im really really really sorry.
my replies would be of no use right now.

[MammaMia]

*hugs Rach tight*

[Yellow]

*longs for the tears stuck behind my eyes*

[MammaMia]

I know how that feels, got that problem too hunni *snuggles you tight*

[Casper_Fading]

i love you babes *cuddles tigthly*

[Yellow]

OH MY GOD!!!

my sister is in PAIN!!!
the earth should stop moving!!!
its a world wide crisis!!!

her ****ing back hurts.
SO DOES MINE!!!

she called JUST to tell me that she's in PAIN!!!

im not allowed to talk about pain from the flashbacks.....its just too much of a reminder.
my back burns because in MY world my father beat me yesterday. in MY world my back, butt, and legs have welts on them.
my private parts are in extreme pain because in MY world my father raped me earlier today.
my whole body throbs with every heartbeat.
IM IN PAIN TOO!!!!

she NEVER calls to ask how IM doing.
and i sat there and talked to her about non narcotic pain meds she could take because she cant work while taking narcotics.
she is a NURSE and asking ME what to do!!!
so i told her. i spoke nicely to her.

im so very dangerous right now....not only to myself...but others.

[Casper_Fading]

*cuddles* oh dear. how much does it suck when people are so self-obsessed! *pets* please be safe honey... please