Beyond Help

[Lilmizrainbow]

sorry, just registered, been reading posts under my girlfriends name (Littlelou) but decided to register my own so I could post.

I can't go on feelin like this forever but I don't see how I can ever be "fixed" I'm well and truly broken just now. I started cutting again last week after ages of not doing it must be over a year just goes to show cant be cured forever. I'm tryin so hard today not to cut but its the only way I know how to cope.
My g/f had a major breakdown and is now back to bottling everythin up cos she thinks I'll worry less. Am havin anxiety attacks frequently my head;s whirling at a million miles an hour , paranoid, cant sleep. I keep shaking all the time so agitated. How is it possible to feel agitated and catatonic at the same time?? I can tell that me being a wreck is making her worse but I cant just stop

I just want it all to go away. I 'm a total waste of space.

My g/f asked me to go to doctor ask about getting a higher dose of antidepressants or get them changed so am going tomorrow when I can take her with me, I/m too scared to go alone, I dont trust them. I doubt they can do anything, I've been at it too long

Sorry I just had to write it down somewhere, sorry. feel free to ignore this
Lil

[Stellata]

Noone is ever beyond help.

The way I see it, it's not a matter of fixing, rather of holding and caring.

I'm glad you're planning to talk to your doctor. While you're there I would ask about referral to counselling or psychotherapy. You shouldn't have to face all this alone, and medication alone won't help you heal your relationship with yourself and others.

[BoundNoMore]

*cuddles lil*
I agree with Katie...
no one is ever beyond help.
YOU are not beyond help.

[sparklyshoes]

I hope you managed to get the courage to go to the doctors, it does sound like maybe you could do with something else/dosages changing if your still having these feelings.

Is there anything in particular that is making you feel paranoid or aggitated? x

[Lilmizrainbow]

Thanks for replying all x
I did make it along to the Drs only to be told that I wasn't on the appointment list anywhere. the stupid receptionist gave me an appointment for not one day in advance like i asked for but a whole f**** week. It took so much to even get me there. Least it was the nice receptionist that was on when i went she spoke to Dr and she still saw me.
She was nice. offered me time off work but I dunno how I feel about that yet. Lou asked her to give me somethin stronger to get me to sleep cos been takin nytol and it had no effect at all, and I;m much more likely to SI at night in bed when i can;t sleep. So she game some zopiclone which has made me feel a little better now i've slept for first time in a week.
She's referring me to get a CPN too (Lou meets hers for 1st time next week), I have absolutely no idea how I feel bout seeing one. What terrifies me is that I work at the same hospital as them, our base is round the corner from their office so all my colleagues know who the CPNs are.

I know they are bound by confidentiality

BUT the major problem is that they when you meet them, they give you an appointment to see them at that hospital where I work. If any of my colleagues saw me with them they would know that I'm seeing a CPN, i cant have them know that. I don't even know what the official stance is on insane nurses like if the NMC our governing body has anythin against it.


So I just cant see them there I cant and I'm so scared about that. my head doesnt cope with stress only thing I know how to do is cut. I've SI'd for so long that i dont think I its possible to stop. If I knew that it would be this hard to stop when I started back 14 years ago.
I cut again last night I dont know how to stop dont think i ever can.


Thanks again for reading and replying guys thanks
Sorry kinda long post.
Lil x