fresh start?

[fairytale dreamer]

I've never posted in here asking for support before, so I really hope you guys don't mind...

I've recently moved to uni. It was meant to be my big break, my fresh start in life. I spent the last god knows how many years of my life counting down to the day that I moved out.
And then it all finally came true. I moved out, I got onto the course I wanted.. And yet, it's all still there.

I've been feeling really awful for the past few days. Just general low mood ect. And it's leading me back to self-destruction. My arm looks like I've been dragged through a rose bush backwards. This wasn't how it was meant to be. I'm meant to be happy.

But I don't know why I'm feeling like this. I mean, all my flatmates are lovely and we have a good laugh together everynight. My course is hard work but fantastic and I've met some really nice people. I'm enjoying it here, so so glad to be here, away from "home".
But something still isn't right.

Everyday I'm reminded of stuff. I'm not used to having no one yell at me, so instead I repeat it all in my head. All the things he ever said. It all gets played back in my mind over and over again.

I don't want to leave here, but I don't want to be feeling like this forever. I'm considering getting professional help, but I really don't know if I'll have the time. Urgh. I don't know what I want from this.. just someone to have listened would be nice I guess.

Steph.

[Casper_Fading]

First of all, good on you for posting and of course we don't mind!!!

Now... honey just becasue you've changed location doesn't mean all the stuff you've been going through is magically going to be fixed. It's still there, you're just going through it in a different place. my advice would be to find a counsellor at the uni and start working through it. *cuddles* Definitely get professional help. Make time. Because eventually it will get to much and you'll have more time then you know what to do with because you'll end up bailing on uni cause you can't cope. Get help now before it gets to that.

*cuddles tightly*

[fairytale dreamer]

But that's the thing.. I really don't know if I have time. I'm at uni everyday from 9:30am-4pm (i'm studying art and design so all day is spent in the studio). And after 4pm, I'm always exhausted so don't know if I'd be up for talking about stuff to someone then.

I seem to be coping fine with going to Uni atm. I'm quite happy to get up in the mornings and get-going.. it just seems to be the evenings when everything hits me.

[Casper_Fading]

you need to make time. otherwise eventually the evenings will leak into the mornings and it all goes downhill from there. Just ring a counsellor and ask if they have an early morning appointment and try that! *cuddles*

[Sans Peur]

Hey Steph

I am glad you have posted here for support and hope someone will giev a much better reply that this one.

Uni is often the thing that people expect to be the major break that they need from all the depression and the past and moving away does help but it takes time to work things through.You are going through new experiences, meeting new people but these feelings will start to ease once you fully settle in.Use your art as a means of escape, show your emotions in your work, let them out when you paint.It is something that has helped me with my recovery from self harm.

I am glad you are living with great people, it will help things, it will make such a difference to your year.I still find it hard being away from home, being away from my family even though i hate it when i am at home.It is hard being in a place where everything seems to be perfect, too perfect in a way and this sometimes brings back memories of the past, often bad ones.

Your uni will have a counselling service that will be able to help you,even if it is just a session every so often when the stress gets to you.Normally it isjust an introduction, getting to know you as the first appointment from what my uni told me and then they will put you in the right direction/ see you in the future.

As it is so early into the term i dout you have found someone that you feel comfortable talking to about your issues but i hope you do find someone that you can confide in at some point.

I am so glad you are doing what you want to do, good luck with everything

sorry this is so long

Jane x

[fairytale dreamer]

Thanks for replying Jane, I apprecaite it.

I've just been looking at the Uni support services stuff and they do offer counselling, and like you say first appointment is more of an introduction thing and then decide what's going to happen next...

I somehow managed to stir up the courage to tell one of my friends last night that I self-harm. She took it well and was supportive, but I'm scared of saying too much to her. She said she was always there to listen and stuff, but really I've only known her for 2/3 weeks.. I don't want to load all my **** off onto her when she's probably just as stressed.

[Sans Peur]

Bloody hell that was brave, i have yet to tell anyone and i have known some people on my course 2 years :p. Proud of you for getting the courage to do something like that though and glad they are supportive.

I think it is understandable that you are concerned that you will be offloading so much stuff, but i am sure she wouldnt have said it if she didnt care.Do you think writing her a note to explain how you feel would benefit you at the moment?

A lot of students are in the same situation as you, even if they dont self harm etc they still have to deal with moving out, new situations etc and perhaps talking about that with your friends may help even if you dont bring up the self harm etc?

[DUNFERMLINEBOY]

Hey Steph,

As has been said we all think of uni as being the big break and in many ways it is the place that is full of opportunities, but we can't just rub out all the traumas that we've had to endure, and at the moment ur head seems to be responding almost in flashback mode! The issues still have to be dealt with!

As has also been said Uni's tend to have very strong and experienced counselling services and its better that u try and tackle this head on sooner rather than later! Ull be able to see one of the uni counsellors fairly quickly, and they will have dealt with similar situations before!

Anyways ll leave it at that and wish you the best of luck with whichever course of action that you choose to take!

Best Wishes,

Craig

[Artychik]

hey,

as all have said above the first wee while at uni can be really tough, even if it is a break from where you've been before.
and I know that the course can be intense (I have vague recollections of my first year) and like you've got not time for other stuff, but the counselling service will be aware of students timetables and should be able to fit around you.

Try and link in with the student support services - these services are so accessible when you are a student, make use of them.

Hope things improve.

Can I ask where you are studying? (Just out of curiosity - I went to Edinburgh College of Art)

[fairytale dreamer]

Hey,

Thanks for all your replies.
I am keeping in mind the Student Services, and if my mood/ mind doesn't improve by next week I think I'll e-mail them asking for an appointment.

And I'm studying at Gray's School of Art (RGU). Really really really enjoying my course so far.. got to smash up chairs the other day! :p

Thanks again for the replies.

[ThinkingofRecovery]

Just want you to know that it is understandable that you are harming at the moment. I do this - hang my hopes for change on a specific event or something and when and when the change doesn't occur as planned, I get really frustrated and end up harming more.

As the others have said, you need to make time. I work full-time (just qualified as a solicitor) and have managed to find time for appointments etc. I used to tell myself that I don't have the time but the truth is that there was always a way to find time (and work have been very flexible to allow me to have the time) but it was my excuse for not wanting to get help. I suppose my fear was that if I found time and got help, it might not help and that nothing would change. It does though - just takes a lot of time and patience.

I hope you manage to contact the counselling service.

I wish I got to legitimately smash up chairs :-D

[Bitter_Angel]

You have pinned so much on uni for so long. When you get there things dont magically transform and in some ways you can be left feeling disapointed.
Uni is not the be all and end all.
Sounds like you are making friends well and trusting people.
Give yourself a break. Give yourself time. Things will settle. But you are bound to be under more stress for the enxt few weeks while you settle in.
Good luck with it.

[Margo]

Its a bit like when people travel thousands of miles to "find themselves" spiritually and then many years later realise that all they had to do was look inside and not move an inch.

Its the same kinda thing for you. Externalo factors can make things easier and focus us but ultimately you gotta get to the core inside and deal with that and then it will go.

Be brave

Matthew xxx

[Queen Crabbit]

I care loads, and will be calling you soon - things have been really hectic with me lately [moving in, sorting out stuff, having funerals to attend etc] but it doesn't mean I don't care etc etc.

If anyone understands then I reckon I must be one of them. It will get easier, living away from him, but it will also take time and help to get every bit of bullshit he ever spouted at you to go away and help you realise what a wonderful and lovely person you are.

xxx

[Beautifully Broken]

Hey hun,
I can't give much more advice than what everyone has already said.
Although, I can drop by on Tuesday after uni if you want and we can have a chat? I'm in until 4pm anyway.
Let me know.
Love you.
xxxxx

[fairytale dreamer]

Thanks guys. I really appreciate all your replies =]

Things have picked up a bit over the last few days. I've been going out more, so spending less time alone in my room and I've had more work to be getting on with so it's keeping me busy.
I still feel really drained and slightly unstable, but I do feel better than I did when I first made this thread.

Nic, I'm in until 4pm on Tuesday too, so if you fancy coming round for a bit, feel free.

Thank you again for repling, it really does mean a lot. xxxxx

[Beautifully Broken]

Ok. I'll pop round after uni. I'll try and get a 9 so I might meet you on the bus.

In the mean time, feel free to get in touch, anytime.
xxxx