Eshi
27-09-2008, 05:52 PM
Why do I still feel this bad? This morning I went for the 3d/4d scan that I won in a prize draw. My partner is over the moon - he loved every second and can't stop showing the pictures and dvd to everyone. She's perfect - as healthy as could be desired and beautifully limber (feet by mouth -lol).
Except, I don't mean that -lol. All I can think is, god I was hoping she's be dead, stillborn, unviable. Shouldn't this feeling have passed when I started feeling movement? Shouldn't this feeling have passed when 24 weeks came and went and I can't have a termination anymore? Shouldn't this feeling have passed when my partner agreed that if I felt I had to, I could move out and he wouldn't hate me for it (provided I don't keep him from the baby - which I wouldn't)? Everything I could ask seems to be happening right now, except this baby is still on it's way, come hell or highwater, and I don't care how many people tell me I will 'feel sooooo different' when it's actually in my arms. It is over two months until then and every flipping day, every single breath and thing I do feels like a massive struggle not to throw myself into the road, not to do a pharmacy run and od, not to cut and cut and never stop.
Yeah, I DID tell my midwife and my GP how I was feeling. And yeah, I was honest with the psychiatric Dr who then assessed me. And what was his assessment? I'm not depressed, he thinks I'll have no problem when the baby comes (ggahkR) as I seem maternal and responsible and self-aware enough. He says my only problem is a lack of willingness to take difficult decisions, and that neither medication nor counselling will help, and there's nothing they can offer.
Thanks. Where does that leave me? It leaves me making my partner bleed every time he thinks or talks baby stuff and is grinning and bouncing everywhere and he spots my expression. It makes him apologize. It makes me growl and snap at everyone at work who asks how it's going. It makes me hate EVERYONE on the whole planet who is pregnant and enjoying it, who is able to look beyond the difficult stuff and look forward to it with a mixture of excitement and trepidation, and not just the latter. No matter how flippin' self-aware I am that I should just calm down a little bit and focus more on the things that actually are in my favour, are going my way right now, I can't seem to do it. I just feel black, black, black and I just want someone to come take it away from me.
I'm just ranting here, not because I'm expecting an answer, or anyone to understand, but because you guys are the least judgemental people I have ever come across and I need to get it out and just cry a little bit. Even that makes me angry with myself - I'm crying about not being happy - how stupid is that?!
Arr.
Except, I don't mean that -lol. All I can think is, god I was hoping she's be dead, stillborn, unviable. Shouldn't this feeling have passed when I started feeling movement? Shouldn't this feeling have passed when 24 weeks came and went and I can't have a termination anymore? Shouldn't this feeling have passed when my partner agreed that if I felt I had to, I could move out and he wouldn't hate me for it (provided I don't keep him from the baby - which I wouldn't)? Everything I could ask seems to be happening right now, except this baby is still on it's way, come hell or highwater, and I don't care how many people tell me I will 'feel sooooo different' when it's actually in my arms. It is over two months until then and every flipping day, every single breath and thing I do feels like a massive struggle not to throw myself into the road, not to do a pharmacy run and od, not to cut and cut and never stop.
Yeah, I DID tell my midwife and my GP how I was feeling. And yeah, I was honest with the psychiatric Dr who then assessed me. And what was his assessment? I'm not depressed, he thinks I'll have no problem when the baby comes (ggahkR) as I seem maternal and responsible and self-aware enough. He says my only problem is a lack of willingness to take difficult decisions, and that neither medication nor counselling will help, and there's nothing they can offer.
Thanks. Where does that leave me? It leaves me making my partner bleed every time he thinks or talks baby stuff and is grinning and bouncing everywhere and he spots my expression. It makes him apologize. It makes me growl and snap at everyone at work who asks how it's going. It makes me hate EVERYONE on the whole planet who is pregnant and enjoying it, who is able to look beyond the difficult stuff and look forward to it with a mixture of excitement and trepidation, and not just the latter. No matter how flippin' self-aware I am that I should just calm down a little bit and focus more on the things that actually are in my favour, are going my way right now, I can't seem to do it. I just feel black, black, black and I just want someone to come take it away from me.
I'm just ranting here, not because I'm expecting an answer, or anyone to understand, but because you guys are the least judgemental people I have ever come across and I need to get it out and just cry a little bit. Even that makes me angry with myself - I'm crying about not being happy - how stupid is that?!
Arr.