airwolf282
25-09-2008, 10:39 AM
I applied for this job at a large company in my town. Apparently they have a few positions available soon. I made the short list but that just makes me even more anxious. I rang the manager who does the hiring and he said he's going to call everyone who is getting an interview on Friday (tomorrow). I don't know why I feel anxious about this, I'm pretty damn sure that their not going to call me anyway. It's probably the best chance I've got in the 8 months I have been unemployed. My disability pension means I'm only allowed to work 15 hours max per week and I'm going to need time off next month (2 weeks for family commitments). Even if I make it to an interview, what are they going to think of when they learn of this? And what will they think of me being on a pension and restricted to 15 hours? All this is going to be used against me and the fact I'm over 21 and have to be paid full adult wages by law. I have no hope and yet this is the only chance I've had in nearly a year. :sad: I'm just sick of being unemployable. I'm 26 and relatively healthy apart from my MI and I want to work but noone will give me a chance. The thought of struggling to get by week after week for the rest of my life on a pension really makes me want to die right now. What's the point if I'm only going to be a nothing in this world?
And when I go to my family commitments next month (a birthday and a wedding) what am I going to tell everyone. When people who haven't seen me for ten or fifteen years ask how I'm going and what I'm doing with my life? What can I say, oh well I haven't worked in nearly a year, I can't get a job anywhere because I'm a loser and can't hold one because I'm a fruit cake. Oh and I've been admitted to psych hospitals half a dozen times in the last year and I've cut myself, burnt myself and Od'd on meds because I'm a nutcase. And I caused one of my best friends to take her own life. My last words to her were **** off and I cut move past that, it still eats me away today and I can't forgive myself. Then what would they think? Why can't you get up off your ass and do something with your life. Why can't you be more like your cousin so and so, why can't you do as well as the rest of your family have? So I tell them nothing. I put on a face and lie my way through the whole ****ing thing. And it upsets me because I know I have to lie to avoid having to hear that sort of response which would cause me to flip out and stab that person in the chest. :sad:
I really wish I wasn't here anymore. I wish I could die tomorrow. No more nutcase, no more fruitcake, no more unemployable loser, and as an ex gf of mine put it no more worthless mentally unstable bastard. No more lying to people and putting on a face to prevent people knowing the truth about Nathan. And no more wearing shirts with sleeves to cover scars. I think the best thing for me to do tomorrow is to go down to the hardware store and buy some rope. :sad:
And when I go to my family commitments next month (a birthday and a wedding) what am I going to tell everyone. When people who haven't seen me for ten or fifteen years ask how I'm going and what I'm doing with my life? What can I say, oh well I haven't worked in nearly a year, I can't get a job anywhere because I'm a loser and can't hold one because I'm a fruit cake. Oh and I've been admitted to psych hospitals half a dozen times in the last year and I've cut myself, burnt myself and Od'd on meds because I'm a nutcase. And I caused one of my best friends to take her own life. My last words to her were **** off and I cut move past that, it still eats me away today and I can't forgive myself. Then what would they think? Why can't you get up off your ass and do something with your life. Why can't you be more like your cousin so and so, why can't you do as well as the rest of your family have? So I tell them nothing. I put on a face and lie my way through the whole ****ing thing. And it upsets me because I know I have to lie to avoid having to hear that sort of response which would cause me to flip out and stab that person in the chest. :sad:
I really wish I wasn't here anymore. I wish I could die tomorrow. No more nutcase, no more fruitcake, no more unemployable loser, and as an ex gf of mine put it no more worthless mentally unstable bastard. No more lying to people and putting on a face to prevent people knowing the truth about Nathan. And no more wearing shirts with sleeves to cover scars. I think the best thing for me to do tomorrow is to go down to the hardware store and buy some rope. :sad: