It breaks my heart

[Stellata]

I'm sorry for being so quiet on RYL today.

I'm grieving for myself. For how I was made an outcast, and how I perpetuate that myself today still.

Deep down in one part of my mind I believe I am unlovable, worthless, bad, useless.

But in the other part of my mind I feel deep love, empathy, compassion and sadness.

And I hurt.

I ache.

I feel so trapped. So sad.

Strangers don't respect me. And why should they? Watchful, hateful, hostile terrified child that lurks in my eyes, desperate for warmth and connection.

I ache with human longing, I that feels so inhuman, freak-like, alien.

[TruConfessions]

Katie,

You are not a freak or an alien. You are human and it's okay to feel the way you do. You have grown so much and have the most compassion I have seen in a long time. I sorry I can't give you more hang in there sweetie I am here if you need me!

[Ami]

Katie hun

You really are worth so much more <3

Sorry i cant really relate, and maybe what i said cant change how you feel but you're such a kind loverly person who deserves to be happy and free from this, and hopefully one day yu will xx

[Merc]

you took the words right out of my mouth...which does you no good to hear, sorry.
Just a way of saying i have no advice for you.
But i do have warmth and hugs
romp

[blondiebear]

I understand. I was an outcast in most of society until I was 28 and got into aa. I'll always be an outcast with my parents and sister.

I'm 41. I look in a mirror and see the adult woman with grey hiding in the gold strands of hair. And feel like that lost little girl inside. That hates people because they won't love me.

I totally understand.

[Collateral*Damage]

you aren't alien or inhuman. you are simply honest about the craving we all have for connection and how overwhelming that need can sometimes be. i'm grateful you shared this because you have put into words what i often feel. i don't know if it helps to know that i understand but it does make me feel connected to know that i'm not alone in feeling this way.

[Stellata]

Thank you. I am very touched by your words. I feel tearful.

I'll try and write more later..

[griddlebone]

I think you shine Katherine. You are a lovely person and you are honest about your feelings as well....youre not a freak either Katherine and you dont deserve to feel that way.
Liv.xx

[dark_light]

You're not inhuman
You always reply to peoples oats with such warmth, love and compassion.
That shows how much you care about other people
I can empathise with feeling different, but that doesn't make you bad

Jo xx

[Stellata]

Thank you...

I .. dissociated in therapy today. It was frustrating and uncomfortable, but I totally.. blanked everything. I was there, but not there. I couldn't feel anything.

I had my last PMS clinic appointment today. Felt my Freak Girl self present all the way on the bus, and all the way back. But the clinic has now discharged me. I don't meet the criteria for PMS. I don't have PMS that needs separate treatment, more than I am already doing.
I'm just so relieved to have the appointment over, and for my treatment to remain the same. I'm not quite sure how I feel about... the whole thing.

Therapy today, and talking about how I perpetuate my own outcast-ness today, maybe that was just too painful to really talk about. I just feel really stunned by the whole thing. It was like I'd somehow knocked myself out emotionally with a kind of strong sedative. But there was no medication involved. Just intense and fierce defence mechanisms.

I wish I knew a way through this.

[pea soup]

hi Katie,

im not sure that i have anything to offer. however....i had therapy today and also dissociated during it. but i dont remember anything until i "came back".

please dont think of yourself in these negative ways.
we see you in such a different light than you see yourself.
i hope one day you will see the same shining light that we do.
much much love.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx