*Trig??* Im not sure yet...lol(one post mentions amputation)

[Merc]

Things feel so strange...just ove a year now with no psych...i eperately need one, but...be damned if i can find one one whio isnt private prtice,we CANNOT afford it, no way we look atit so pls doont say you can for your health et, becauses WE CANT.
I take my pills sporadically, usually way too many ioff some because im out of pain pills and its ....not been pleasant.
I fel lazy again being off work, wondering why hubby stays hen i look fine etc. AN i just lazyDo i just not WANT to work? Am i pretending? Do i really want to start SI again (well that ione i cananswer esy enough NO!). Im going nowhere. no therapy, a gp who *thinks* he's a psych . My hubby and i are becoming moe like roomates than lovers, like we always have been; most of tht is the weight. He HATES this weight loss and i??? I love it.Problem.
Since i dont work, i dont go out hardly, the anxiety makes the bus really really hard, so i see nothing, hear nothing, do nohting. nohing to talk about..I love hearing of hhjis day and then he asks,'how was your day?'well...there's nothing.and its so embarassing to have to say that. (mental note to tell him).
We used to laugh so much, we were so happy...and i destroyed uit.If it wasnt for our daughter , i think we would have split a long ti e ago.
I try to talk to him but hes not good at talking, but thats cos he is very careful what he says and really thinks ablout what he is gonns say, takes his time..
I have this sick fear back that he doesnt love me anymore but doesnt know what to do with me anymore....i wont fit in the closet :\.
I try so hard to be happy for him..so hard, but you all know how it is w depression.
Least i'll see the doc tom. and hopefully the stipid office will have the tripl;icates so i can get my pin meds.
Depresion has hit HARD...sleepng allll day till just before hubby gets home; i wouldnt mind just staying there t tell the truth.
Maybe i have no doc cos there's really nothing wrong with me?!
Im so alone
so lonely
and im pushing ppl away

whatever
romp

[blondiebear]

Hiya Romp,
It sounds to me that at least part of the problem is that you've reached a kind of tedious part of recovery from your shoulder thing that you are feeling better but not well. And it takes a long time and it is boring and lonely to go from better to well.

When I got the cast off my sprained and broken ankle it was great! I was mended! Not. I limped around for months after that. It was six months after the cast came off before I could tie my athletic shoe in way I usually do so it would stay on my dainty heel and ankle.

I know you miss your husband as your lover. I miss mine that way too. Sometimes it does feel like we are room mates. I do my best and he does his and we are best friends and that is good!

If you want, PM and we can talk more too!

*gives you a caring hug*

[Collateral*Damage]

I'm sorry you are struggling so much right now. I know what it's like to have depression kick your butt. It didn't totally keep you down though because you reached out to us. While I can't carry your burden, I can tell you that I care and am thinking of you. You are not alone!

[Casper_Fading]

Hello darlin. Sounds like you have no shrink cause there isn't one around you can afford at the moment. So no, I don't think you don't have a shrink because nothing is wrong. Read wha you wrote! SOMETHING is wrong. VERY wrong. Lots of people would be... oh you poor thing *pat pat* but honey... I don't do pity very well. It's not something that comes easily to me (unless it's an animal) so I wont waste pity on someone who doesn't need it. You don't need pity honey. You need a boot up your bottom! TALK to your hubby. Tell him what you're afraid of. You would be the first one to tell me to be honest with my partner and tell him my fears. What you're afraid of is that you're not worthy. YOU ARE WORTHY! You're worth it honey. Very much so. TELL YOURSELF THAT!!!! You have control over your weightloss/gain and at the moment when working is out of your control and everything else is out of your control you need that. Intimacy is important but it's not all abotu sex. Doyou guys cuddle? Snuggle up and watch a movie? Maybe you should do something like that. It should make you feel loved and it's fun too! You've come so very far without a huge amount of help. I am so proud of you. So very very proud. You have hit a hitch in your recovery which will be a long ardorous road but I KNOW you cand o that. YOU know you can do this. Otherwise you'd just give in. But you're a battler. I am here for you to talk to whenever you want. You can push me away if you like.... I wont go anywhere though.

Love you lots kiddo
Jess

[Merc]

thank you both! and susan, i will take you up on that offer, you understand, being my age-ish, hubby, etc.
I hate (allllllnite i have been thinking of this) aying ANYTHING partly negtuive of him when he is so specil and does so very much when so nany would have walked away long ago, tired of it all..it feels a betrayal of sorts if that makes sense? I alkays make it sound so wonderful...

Tonite was really nice tho; our daughter had a dance to go to so we went for cffee ( Ihad this deliecious ne smoothie thing ive discivered , mango/banana, topped w whipped cream!!!YuMMY!!) So we went there for n hour or so , then popped by to see if friends were home and visited for about an hour thenit was time to get the lil one. We reall had fun even tho we really did nothing..but we did..we started to bond again maybe. It was fun :).

I miss the lover end of it as its still new and hard to get used to. Mostly its the lack of intimacy i miss, tho i guess.

i dont see how ppl find this (life) so easy to do?! What did i miss? And they have no idea, no clue....
The friends we saw tonite Barry and his wife; i have kown barry 22 years i believe, so a LONG time. I can read him pretty easy and he looked so unhappy when he saw me due to such low weight.

ppl say, get a hobby..but i HONESTLTY cant think of anything im interested in (except kick-boxing)..but the biggest problem is of course ...money. Evertything is sooo damned expensive. And the way things are, i cant justify spending money on ME when it could be spent on her for guitar or singing lessons.

I can't believe im X years old and still in this mess...still renting, still living month by month, still....here.
God, i had plans!! :). So MANY plans..but all are ,realistically, out of reach now.
I said in the other post i 'didnt want hugs' and i apologize for saying something like that; it was horribly rude and mean. THAT has bothered me all night too.

Apparently i can try and apply for early reirement...i'm not sure how i feel about that. My best friend is on them and she went thru the same feelings...i feel im lying, making things seem worse than they are. etc...you know. But really..my abities are beyond limited, they are non-existant for the working world.

I just...i can't...i never expected to wind uplike this....it hurts and its hard; but i dont need tell all you lot, you know or are finding out.

It feels i missed so much , so many , many wasted years. Gone.
And now i have lost my family on top of it. Tho, i hate to admit, that has been easier than i thought it woyld be to bear. What does THAT ay of me? I still dont really know, its still so new and raw.

sorry to have gone on so long, but i needed it,i really did.

so balloons and cake for whoever made it this far! LOL

romp


[to add: yea, jess, we do cuddle alot, just all the sudden we'l be passin by and just hug :o) is lovely! And dear Jes..i would never ever push you away ,y luv...i'd hug the stuffing outta ya:o)!!)

[effervescence]

yay i get balloons and cake!

[effervescence]

poor rompy. i have to say i agree with what alive said. i thought you were considering IP? i think that would be a good idea if it's possible

[Merc]

im still not sure if i want to go...i just dont know.
i always think what if siomeone who REALLY needs it..etc..you know

*hands over rainbow colored balloons and your fav cake!!!!*
romp

[effervescence]

that would be carrot, with lots of cream cheese icing.
you DO need it though, you are just as deserving as anyone else. if you went voluntarily, could you leave of you wanted to? but give it a go first? see if it helps this time x

[Merc]

yea, i can leave anytime, which is so much nicer than when youre sectioned *shudders*
i have to ask...you said 'you need it'...why? just curious and not mad..i just wonder what i seem thru someonme elses eyes i suppose? do i *seem* like i ned it? Pls be honset!!!!!

Its just...i have a 16 yo daughter who id getting old enough to understand these things and i donmt want her childhood (whats left of it) to be filled w hospital stays, altho its better than the alternative isnt it?

It just seems such hassle..but then right now everything seems to much work...
romp

[effervescence]

well, ive been reading your posts over the last month or so. and ive read good ones, and you've been happy, and ive read ones where you are seeing horrible images, and ive read ones where you dont know what you want anymore. and i guess you feel....stuck, and despairing, and upset about how you life is going, and your marriage. i cant really explain any better, its just a feeling. the only way i can help is to pont you in that direction, where at least i'd know you were out of the house and not alone and getting some help by real doctors and real people.

[effervescence]

and ive read ones about serious SI, and thats not good hun

[Merc]

its the only SI i know anymore..amutation...i guess that should ne scary, but it just isnt
rmp

[effervescence]

yup. but to others, its scary. its so dangerous. im NOT trying to guilt trip u, but think of your daughter. i'm sure she's one of the only things keeping you going, cos i really get the impression you love her so much.
what are we going to do with each other romp??!
i am going to bed now. will post tomorrow nighty night x

[Merc]

g'nite sweets!
hope u sleep well ;o)
hope i helped a lil tomnite
was great talking to you, i really enjoyed it!!
pls stay sfe lv
romp

[Casper_Fading]

Hello my dear! Hugging is great. I love to cuddle! SO maybe snuggling should become a bigger part of nighttime stuff? and build your weight back up a little. If other people aren't happy than ask yourself what they're seeing that you aren't. You don't look at your body and see truly. You see what you want to see. Ask your daughter. As you said, she's 16. She's going to be seeing this sort of stuff around her school and life and t.v and computer and all that other fun stuff society shoves at a teen! Ask her if she thinks you've lost too much weight. YOu know she'll be honest, as honest as she can be. What does being able to bear losing your family say of you? Says you're a smart chika and you know that they aren't worth the heartache! They don't deserve for you to feel bad about it. They suck. You don't. End of story! Stop beating yourself up about it! I know it's not that easy, but I can keep telling you until you start to believe it? I think IP shouldbe a serious consideration if you're contemplating amputation. And honey, things aren't right for you. Life is hard. It really is. And it takes time to get used to it. Maybe you could hire some kick boxing videos or something? I'm not sure. It could be worth a try. And i know it's hard to justify spedning money on yourself but maybe a punching bag? You could get one fairly cheap on ebay i imagine. Hang it in the garage or outside or something and start using that? I'm not sure. You definitely need an outlet for the stress and frustration and depression. I use horses now. I've been riding every day and i'm going to ride as much I can even when I start my new job. So just... look around. And talk to your hubby. He sounds wonderful but not everything can be roses all the time. But I think you owe yourself and him the honesty of telling him your fears.

And i'm glad you wont push me away... i would hug the stuff out of you too!

[effervescence]

GOOD MORNING ROMPERFRY!!!!!!!!!!!
and how are you this fine morning? i am shitting myself cos i have a big exam soon and been too depressed to start studying....oops.
you did help loads last night :)

[pea soup]

hey romp,

im not sure what to say...yet again..grrrrr.

but just as jess said..you are SO WORTH it. you have been thru hell and still live to tell it. thats strength. real strength.

but just you having thoughts of amputation and such is really scary.

and with your history of extreme SI...i think you might need some long term IP or something. but i understand you not being able to afford a psych. i cant imagine your frustration.

and what i really think about is the underlying issues that make you have these thoughts and want to hurt yourself. i think if you could discover and overcome whatever underlying causes you have.....then you would be on a really good road to recovery.

those are just my thoughts sweetie.
i love you Romp and just want you to get better.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[Merc]

thx rach.
It became extreme because the 'lil' stuff did nothing anything; like you go from scatching, to cutting you know???
It was the next step.
You see, top be the only onme thinks i ned help tho.*shrugs*
romp


GOOOD MORNING Eff (i forgot your name, *hangs head*) Thx.
Thx all who replied
romp

[OH DUH...good luck on your exam *fingers crossed*] Let us know okay?

[effervescence]

thanks....its on saturday (exam on a saturday morning!!) so will let you know