anyone remember me? would anybody talk to me?

[hoping_one day]

I don't know if anyone will remember me on here. I've not been able to post for quite a while now but I just want you all to know you NEVER were out of my thoughts and prayers.
I just wish I'd been able to be there for you all more physically but circumstances have meant I've not been much use to anyone for quite a while now.

I guess....wow how selfish am I going to sound.........I guess I was hoping someone remembered me, would talk to me?
I have never felt this alone in my life and I'm trying not to be scared, I'm trying to be strong for everyone around me but I just feel there's nothing left to give.

I've lost everything.

I'm sorry, this is probably making no sense. It's just all I can get out at the minute. I'm so sorry. I had to try.

xx

[Snorkmaiden]

Hey, I don't remember you cos I'm relatively new to this business but I'm always willing to talk if you want to. You're never alone, no matter how much it may feel like it at the time. Whats been goin on? Pm me if you want.

Pam xx

[newanda]

Hello,
I don't know you, but it's nice to meet you. :-D
It's not selfish at all to want to talk to people. That's what we're all here for. It can be very tiring to try and be strong for everyone around you, but it's good to come here and let it all out like you are doing. And if you are feeling alone you can pm us or just keep posting here and we'll keep you company. Good job for trying!!
..Take Care

[effervescence]

i don't knw you, but i'll talk to you. so hi!

[blondiebear]

Hello! I went back and checked the threads you'd started to make sure you are who I thought you are. As a teacher you must be cringing at my verb tenses there, sorry.

What's been going on with you? Are those icky people at the church still having you do all kinds of work then literally pushing you around? You said that you've lost everything. Does that mean it has been decided that you won't be able to teach?

I'm here. I'm willing to listen. I'm willing to ask leading questions. I always have virtual e-tissues at hand.

Please talk to me and I'll be glad to reply to and talk to you.

*gives you a comforting hug*

[Seraphsigh]

Lou! I've been thinking about you and wondering when you were going to come back! I'm glad you are back, but sorry that things are going so terribly. You don't have to give anything more than you already have...it's time to let us try to help you now. PM me if you'd like to...I'm always down for conversation. Take care. *hugs*

D'Arcy

[Merc]

WELCOME BACK!!!!
im sorry i dont really remember you but thats ME not you...i have the memory of an apple lol.
Good to see you back.
i hope things have been ok?
I hope to talk to you more and see you around the boards :o)
take care luv
romp

[dark_light]

Hey
I'm around with a lot of time on my hands atm...
i'm here to talk whenever, you're not alone, it just feels that way, and i know it the worst feeling
Take care
Jo xxxx

[slipping up again]

Hi, I remember you! It's good to see you back posting again. Sorry to hear that you've been struggling. We're always here if you want to chat.

Take care Xx

[hoping_one day]

Just wanted to say thank you to you all. I am touched beyond words at your kindness and your support.
If it had been at all possible to get on this site before now, I would have done so in a shot, I've missed a lot of people on here.

I hardly know where to start anymore. I lost my job because apparently people with a past in SI aren't mentally stable and are therefore unfit to teach. Apparently it makes you inventive and manipulative and I'm basically dirt to them. We sure live in a world of equality and justice don't we!
My family hate me. I ruin their idea of perfection. I'm not a person anymore, just an illness, no soul behind the scars as far as they're concerned. Pretty soon you start to believe them and go further and further inside, so they can't hurt you anymore.
What's left is just emptiness and shattered dreams.

Sorry, that sounds awfully pesimistic doesn't it. Just not feeling great at the moment, and searching for the courage to accept that's ok.

[blondiebear]

SI makes you inventive and manipulative? Who made that judgement? I think we SI because we are so sensitive to the things that go on around us. That would make you a compassionate and loving teacher.

I understand about abusive family members. I'm separating from my family. My husband and I "ran away from home" for Christmas to explore and photograph ghost towns as is our hobby. My friends thought it was a great idea.

I know how much you are hurting because of the way your family is acting. My family is the same way and clueless and selfish. I don't deserve that. You don't deserve that either!

I wish I had answers for you. I do have a listening ear.

*gives you a hug*

[hoping_one day]

Thank you so much. A listening ear is everything to me at the moment. It really does mean the world. It's something I don't have at home, at work, at church, anywhere really so it really is a gift when people offer kindness in this way.
The psychologist my employers made me see (they asked me to have 4 assessments with one) decided that SI meant I would be inventive and manipulative. I have arms full of scars, therefore, when I told him about being physically abused at church he decided it must be something I made up. If I already had scars, then I could make up a story that involved getting bruised. I must have done them myself. Yeah, I love pushing my own face into gravel...........I mean, how can anyone accuse me of these things? Just because I have SIed does not mean I would make up something like that. I cried for days about that, and it was really hard to tell him about because I'm so embarrassed, and then he turns round and he might as well have pushed me over himself, he hurt me just as much.
Sorry....I'm going on aren't I. I don't have anyone to share these things with, so when I start to let things out, everything tends to come out at once. Sorry about that.

Just losing the will to fight at the minute. Can't find the strength.

[pea soup]

i definitely remember you hunni!!!
sorry im just now replying.
just want to welcome you back.
*snuggles*
much much love.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[Seraphsigh]

*rubs your back*
You don't deserve any of this.
*hugs*

[newanda]

That must have been awful when he said he thought you were making it up. It is hard enough talking to people you don't know about your problems, but then to have them accuse you of lying is terrible. Do you think that you could find another psych that would tell the school that you aren't inventive and manipulative? Is that even an option? Personally i would think that an inventive teacher would be a good thing. Like neat lesson plans and cool new projects for the kids. And don't worry about going on, i'm glad you are sharing with us. Keep posting, and let it all out, hopefully it helps :)

[blondiebear]

Please, keep talking to us. Let us help you.
*gives you a hug*

[lolly_x]

aww sweetheart cuddles you. You'll always be listened to by me
Was wondering if you were ok a long time ago.

I will always be here sweetie if you need to talk. You have helped me in the past when i've wanted to cut huggles sweetie

laura aka lolly_x

[hoping_one day]

You're all just so amazing. Thank you so much.

I'm afraid I don't have the option of which psychologist to see. They were chosen by my employer, and the occupational health unit.
Occ. Health had no problem with me. They think I'm 110% fit to teach so I got passed onto this psychologist who after an hour decided he knew everything about me.
He reckons my family hate me for the same reason school don't want me. That I'm mentally unfit to be around. Great. Does that mean I just shut myself up in a box and away from all people everywhere.
Am beginning to think he has a point.
I feel unwanted, unlovable, not even God could want me now.
There's nowhere I can just sit and cry. I just wish just for one hour, I'd settle for ten minutes,that I didn't have to smile and be strong.
That I could reach out and there'd be someone there.
Why did he have to attack me with everything that hurt and then just leave me wide open with no healing, no comfort, nothing, just throw me down again when he's done. That's becoming the story of my life.

Sorry guys I don't mean to be so down, I just can't handle this anymore. I don't have the strength, I can't find it. It's gone.
Every time I close my eyes it all comes back, then when I open them in a morning, I remember it all over again and I don't know which is worse.

Thank you for the hugs everyone, I really need them.

[chocostashchick]

wow that psych sounds awful i am so so sorry that you have had to listen to this and had this happen to you, Lou
you dont deserve any of that, you are worth much much more
you say that you dont have an option of who to see, but there must be something you can do? do you absolutely have to see this person? if the school referred you to this practice, maybe you could see a different psych but still at the same practice? if he has this awful judgemental attitude towards you, then surely the therapy is going nowhere and maybe he would agree that it is better for you to see a different person?

you have been through something awful and you deserve real actual help, not more crap and more mistreatment from somebody who is meant by their very job description to be helping you. you are a really strong person though, just look at what you have survived and overcome and are strong enough to be here and talk about! you have more fight left in you, and you also have all of us behind you pushing you up even more. get out there and show that crappy psych who is boss and get yourself somebody who is not a moron and who will help you help yourself. report this bastard while you are at it, maybe? that could be therapeutic and at the same time prevent him from ever treating anbody else that way.
xxxooo callie

[Detour. Derail]

oh my gosh!!
I'm so sorry...it sounds like you've been through so much!!
Unfortunatley I dont remember you because I'm new to this site but you're very welcome to PM me anytime, if you ever want advice or someone to talk to or just someone to rant to.
Hope it all starts looking up soon hun...you deserve better than this!
Take Care...
Alexx
xx