Sugar and Spice
03-04-2008, 08:36 PM
I don't know what's going on any more. I can't describe how I am feeling. I'm not even sure if there are words to explain it. I know I don't deserve any support with the way I have been behaving lately, but I find myself asking for it.
I'll warn you now, this is long. Sorry!
I've lost interest in socialising. It actually takes my boyfriend to arrange meeting with friends to get me in a social setting (other than just him and me) and even then I find myself wishing with every bone in my body that I could just stay on my own in my room.
This is going to cause greater problems from Sunday onwards as I'll be at home for two weeks. It's my (very belated) Easter holiday and although I don't have to I am spending that at home. I'll be expected to chat a lot etc etc. I have to come back here for a blood test next week so will have the day with my boyfriend and things like this so (hopefully) mum won't be on my back for a whole two weeks about not doing anything.
I had a doctors appointment on Monday as one of my blood tests showed some abnormalities with my liver. I hate going to the doctors so much that I actually cannot go on my own without getting really stressed out and breaking down in tears. So when she said "It looks a lot like hepatitis" I nearly ran out the door screaming. Instead I was quiet and just looked at her. She sent me off for an ultrasound and has ordered another blood test. Had the ultrasound yesterday and he said that there were no signs of abnormality with my liver, my kidneys or the blood flow to all the above.
I'm hating not knowing whats wrong. I hate knowing that I have to go back to see the doctor. I hate knowing that I am restricted with my alcohol intake.
In all honesty, I want to just lose it for a while. To just go completely and absolutely nuts. Maybe doing that would get some of the anger, tension, fear and hurt out of my system and make me a nicer person. I have been far from nice lately. I don't like who I am becoming. I'm not sure I liked who I was before either, but at least I didn't call friends attention-seeking or kick them out because they were doing my head in. No. I would have been patient. I would have seen it from their point of view. Part of the problem is my boyfriend. He urged me to kick her out. He told me to tell her she was attention-seeking. But, ultimately, it was my decision. I shouldn't have caved. I shouldn't have done any of it. I may have wanted to at times but that was only when I was feeling really emotional. The rest of the time I was happy being friends with them. Everyone feels that need to be seperate from their friends at one point or another.
Because of the uncertainty surrounding the state of my liver, I find myself having to restrain myself in how much of what I am drinking. Then I can't cut because I haven't got any blades and my boyfriend would notice them. I hate all this self restraint I'm under. It's taking every inch of me, every atom of my being, from walking to the local shop and buying some blades. I want it so much I can taste the blood. The alcohol boy-cott I should be on isn't a successful one. I've only had one cider (which accounts for my daily allowance of units) today and I want another. I don't have a problem as my doctor may have been hinting at. I just can't seem to relax tonight.
I'm still having tremendous difficulty with greiving for my Grandad. It breaks my heart to mention him in such a context but I guess it does influence everything else. It comes in waves but I still can'r seem to cope. I sob and howl and wail. It doesn't help. I know they say that time helps but I doubt it. Not with something like this. He was my father figure. He loved me and I loved him. I can't accept that it truly happened, that it was truly him in the coffin.
Some of you may remember me being reffered to adult services last October. It was obvious that he had made his mind up after our first assessment session that he couldn't help me - he told me as much. Apparently at the age of 18 I'm too young to have psychotherapy and that all I need is counselling. I wanted to point out that I don't need a listening ear, I need to make changes. I hate counsellors. I never know what to say to them and, to be honest, it's never really helped me.
But anyway, I walked out of my last assessment session so he made another for me. This is so we can "continue our conversation". Part of me is desperate not to go and, yet, part of me is quite interested as to what he will say. This appointment is next Tuesday. I'm actually really tense about it because I think I might use it as a chance to tell him why the whole procedure of assessment is complete bull which will include admitting to him that I haven't been honest with him...
I am (sort of) recovering from an addiction to phone/text/cyber sex. I used to do it, on average, twice a night. At one point it did take the place of SI as my coping mechanism. After a couple of years, the release I experienced was followed by such self-disgust and self-loathing. I would often cry and cut in the aftermath. I made several attempts over the years to stop it completely, but I always go back to it. I'm now down to an average of once/twice a week. The self-loathing has, however, taken hold again. I feel so dirty. I feel diseased. It's so overwhelming. Last week, my boyfriend and I were talking about me going on the contraceptive pill and he's mentioned it a couple of times this week. I know it's not because he's pressuring me or anything. But with how I am feeling towards sex and myself, it's only serving to make me feel worse.
Between all of this and the fact that my dad is still treating my brother much better than he has ever treated me leads to a whole host of emotions all bouncing off of each other. I'm so confused and lost.
I'll warn you now, this is long. Sorry!
I've lost interest in socialising. It actually takes my boyfriend to arrange meeting with friends to get me in a social setting (other than just him and me) and even then I find myself wishing with every bone in my body that I could just stay on my own in my room.
This is going to cause greater problems from Sunday onwards as I'll be at home for two weeks. It's my (very belated) Easter holiday and although I don't have to I am spending that at home. I'll be expected to chat a lot etc etc. I have to come back here for a blood test next week so will have the day with my boyfriend and things like this so (hopefully) mum won't be on my back for a whole two weeks about not doing anything.
I had a doctors appointment on Monday as one of my blood tests showed some abnormalities with my liver. I hate going to the doctors so much that I actually cannot go on my own without getting really stressed out and breaking down in tears. So when she said "It looks a lot like hepatitis" I nearly ran out the door screaming. Instead I was quiet and just looked at her. She sent me off for an ultrasound and has ordered another blood test. Had the ultrasound yesterday and he said that there were no signs of abnormality with my liver, my kidneys or the blood flow to all the above.
I'm hating not knowing whats wrong. I hate knowing that I have to go back to see the doctor. I hate knowing that I am restricted with my alcohol intake.
In all honesty, I want to just lose it for a while. To just go completely and absolutely nuts. Maybe doing that would get some of the anger, tension, fear and hurt out of my system and make me a nicer person. I have been far from nice lately. I don't like who I am becoming. I'm not sure I liked who I was before either, but at least I didn't call friends attention-seeking or kick them out because they were doing my head in. No. I would have been patient. I would have seen it from their point of view. Part of the problem is my boyfriend. He urged me to kick her out. He told me to tell her she was attention-seeking. But, ultimately, it was my decision. I shouldn't have caved. I shouldn't have done any of it. I may have wanted to at times but that was only when I was feeling really emotional. The rest of the time I was happy being friends with them. Everyone feels that need to be seperate from their friends at one point or another.
Because of the uncertainty surrounding the state of my liver, I find myself having to restrain myself in how much of what I am drinking. Then I can't cut because I haven't got any blades and my boyfriend would notice them. I hate all this self restraint I'm under. It's taking every inch of me, every atom of my being, from walking to the local shop and buying some blades. I want it so much I can taste the blood. The alcohol boy-cott I should be on isn't a successful one. I've only had one cider (which accounts for my daily allowance of units) today and I want another. I don't have a problem as my doctor may have been hinting at. I just can't seem to relax tonight.
I'm still having tremendous difficulty with greiving for my Grandad. It breaks my heart to mention him in such a context but I guess it does influence everything else. It comes in waves but I still can'r seem to cope. I sob and howl and wail. It doesn't help. I know they say that time helps but I doubt it. Not with something like this. He was my father figure. He loved me and I loved him. I can't accept that it truly happened, that it was truly him in the coffin.
Some of you may remember me being reffered to adult services last October. It was obvious that he had made his mind up after our first assessment session that he couldn't help me - he told me as much. Apparently at the age of 18 I'm too young to have psychotherapy and that all I need is counselling. I wanted to point out that I don't need a listening ear, I need to make changes. I hate counsellors. I never know what to say to them and, to be honest, it's never really helped me.
But anyway, I walked out of my last assessment session so he made another for me. This is so we can "continue our conversation". Part of me is desperate not to go and, yet, part of me is quite interested as to what he will say. This appointment is next Tuesday. I'm actually really tense about it because I think I might use it as a chance to tell him why the whole procedure of assessment is complete bull which will include admitting to him that I haven't been honest with him...
I am (sort of) recovering from an addiction to phone/text/cyber sex. I used to do it, on average, twice a night. At one point it did take the place of SI as my coping mechanism. After a couple of years, the release I experienced was followed by such self-disgust and self-loathing. I would often cry and cut in the aftermath. I made several attempts over the years to stop it completely, but I always go back to it. I'm now down to an average of once/twice a week. The self-loathing has, however, taken hold again. I feel so dirty. I feel diseased. It's so overwhelming. Last week, my boyfriend and I were talking about me going on the contraceptive pill and he's mentioned it a couple of times this week. I know it's not because he's pressuring me or anything. But with how I am feeling towards sex and myself, it's only serving to make me feel worse.
Between all of this and the fact that my dad is still treating my brother much better than he has ever treated me leads to a whole host of emotions all bouncing off of each other. I'm so confused and lost.