Am i ill/at risk?

[Margo]

I watched a prog last night about suicide. It was about people who have survived it in some way or other. either themselves or as partners or relatives of those who killed themselves.

I sat through most of it in tears. I related to pretty much every word. what scared me was that some of the people who were getting care and medication didnt seem half as bad as i seem to heve become. Iguess it scared me a little.

You see there isnt aq day goes by where i dont think about it. just like one person in the program said whenever they saw a potential killing item/place or whatever they pictured themselves dying there or by that method. I have that too. Almost constantly.

This morning i woke and it was like someone flicking through a suicide mix and match book. Image after image of me dead or dying in all manner of ways.

remember when you were little playing with water in the garden with the hose.....you would try to block up the end but the water would always get through. you would try and try but it would always come out. Its like that with these thoughts.

I play WOW alot. As soon as i stop they are there. I make tea and they stop and then they are there again.

We went to see Liecester vs Wasps on saturday. It was great. (i even caught the ball in practice and threw it back- woot). Even then the thoughts seeped through. There amid 17000 fans i sat and cried. One minute i was hanging from a tree and the next i was just stood there with both wrists cut pouring blood. Then focussed again on the rugby.

When the suicidal thoughts arent there, then its like ive made it all up and i start to hate myself. So i hurt myself. The irony is that im not cutting badly. Just scratches (matthew scratches). I cut off the world. I cant actually stop myself doing it. I dont know how. This force, this voice in my head is so overpowering and disabling that i just shut off and shut away.

Am i ill? Am i at risk? Do i need some help? ( some more help)

I see the psychiatrist on the 10th April. I havent seen her since before i went to Australia. I dont know what to say to her.

I dont actually think i could kill myself. BUt then i cant stop thinking about it. Im just not sure anymore.

All i know is its all i want. Then i can be at peace. Perhaps i could forgive myself if i were dead?

Is that right? Is tht normal?

I just dont know anymore.

[Queen Crabbit]

Firstly, I'm so proud of you for posting.
Secondly, Matthew scratches are like Chelsea deep cuts, and, anyway, the severity of the cutting doesn't matter - it's the fact you're doing it.
Thirdly, I do actually need to do some work at work today (for a change...) but I will come back later, and you know I'll be bugging you anyway.
But yes, you are ill.
I care so so much. You mean the world to me, as you know.
xxx

[Seraphsigh]

If you can get more help, and you think it might improve the way you think of yourself (I think it will, but it will probably take a long time, as I'm sure you know), then do it! Your thoughts sound absolutely miserable, and you are so brave for posting and telling us about them. You deserve to have a happier existence--I know from your postings here that you are a beautiful, kind person.
I'm thinking about you and praying that you're able to find the support you need. Try not to cut...you are strong!!!

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

D'Arcy

[Bitter_Angel]

Matthew, you already know the answer to the question of are you ill. Yes you are. If you where not ill you wu not feel this way.
Its hard sometimes to percieve what others see. When you feel like this thoughts of dth and dying and self destruction become normal. You dont remember ever not being like this. And its only when something happens outside of your control that you realise thaerhaps this sense of normal that you have built, may not be that normal after all.

I realised this in myself the other week. Rambelino going off on one to a friend and I realised that I was talking about music I wanted played at my funeral and about sucide an differnt things like that. It wasnt until I actually looked at her an saw how uncofrtable I was ming her that I realised that its not normal.

I think that this realistion for you is a huge step. It is difficult, but things dont have to stay like this. It will be good for you to speak to the psych. But maybe as well think of other things that can distract you instead of just WOW. More productive things, things that might involve socialising. Becuase playing the game might be keepingou safe for the time being, playing too much isnt healthy either.

[Margo]

Yeah Deanna i have meds and a counsellor. Shes off atm so its been almost 2 weeks since i saw her. She has no power to administer anything other than to write to the psych and inform her.

Heh, i went and cut myself as soon as i wrote this. The irony was that i was so close to going deep. The mercy was that i stopped myself from doing it. God it was so easy to do. Way too easy. Its notdeep tho. so no worries there.

I feel sick now. Not from the cut but from my head. Its like that anxiety sickness you can get at the point you think your head is about to cave in.

I have 20 pms in my mailbox. Ive read them all cus i get them emailed. I havent replied. If i knew what it was that stops me replying id tell you but i cant.

Its the same thing thats stops me calling friends and family.

A plus note is that im going to stop with Ween for a couple of nights tomorrow. So at least you will know im in good hands. Oh god did i really say that? I must be ripe for sectioning. hehe. The term "the blind leading the blind" springs to mind.

Oh well they say two loons are better than one.

heh and to top it all off i have a spot on my neck thats so huge its creating its own gravitational pull. Typical!

[blondiebear]

Matthew, I'm so glad that you're reaching out for help. I'm sorry that you're hurting so much.

(by spot I hope you mean whitehead? pardon my worry, i think about skin cancer, runs in my family.)

The voice in the head. I don't know how to shut it off either. The best I can do is distract myself.

I understand about the rugby game too. Sometimes being in public is the worst.

Dear Friend, It is so awful to see you hurting this way. People who know you better have better answers than I do.

*gives you a big bear hug*

[PropheticStar]

Its not normal love. Its not at all. You know its not. And you know you dont have to be like this.

(i dont know who to be more worried for.... you or Ween... you guys need a responsible adult to supervise :p)

[Bitter_Angel]

Irene, whilst you have him, no vodka in bed with zoe please.

[pea soup]

just....
im thinking of you Matt.
much love.
xxxxxxxxx

[Margo]

3 small words that turn me into mush. Reduce me to feeling useless and pathetic and a total failure.

"CANT YOU JUST"

simple as that.

Im sure we all get it.

"cant you just" try to get out more?
"cant you just" try to ring your firends?
"cant you just" think about happy things?


But when you have an illness like this, why isnt it acceptable to say back to the person "CANT YOU JUST ****ing read up about mental illness and how crippling and disabling it can be and that by saying those kinds of thing you are actually doing more harm than good.

but of course we cant say that. What should anyone take time to read about a disease they dont understand. Why the **** should anyone bother.

EVERY ****ING DAY I THINK TO MYSELF "WHY CANT I JUST do x,y and z". The answer is i dont know. That makes me feel dreadful.

and then we are left apologising for them, its not their fault they dont understand.

Im so so exhausted.

[blondiebear]

Matthew,

We don't have to apologize to people who don't understand. We can set boundaries. To someone who has not ever had depression it may be impossible for them to really understand. So we let them know we don't want to talk about certain things.

I have/had a girlfriend who when issues about my childhood come up, she says "**** it" or "It's just bullshit." To her its bovine waste. To me it is excruciating pain. I don't know why they can't learn, why they won't learn. The in-person support group I know this woman from has a saying; "Take the cotton out of your ears and put it in your mouth." I've said that to her time and time again. She keeps arguing with and interrupting me. I can't afford the argument, it will make me too sick. Then she says that it okay for friends to argue. The night she said that one of my other friends talked me out of SIing, told me about a reading that would help.

When I find out that someone I care about has a medical problem I do some research about it and get a bit of insight as to what they're going through.

I don't know why people think that depression is a disease. Why they think they don't have to learn anything about it. It isn't just emotions, it is the chemicals in our heads and how they interact and help nerves talk to each other.

I don't know why they can't be bothered to be loving and compassionate with us. It is their fault, they are too selfish and clueless and lazy and they refuse to really listen, listen with their hearts instead of analyzing it with their minds.

Uh-oh. Pardon the rant?

*gives you a hug*

We don't say "Can't you just" walk on a broken leg.

[delikatskin]

I was going to just give you a "hug" but I couldn't figure out how to do that.. :P And I know from my own experience, a "hug" just won't do. Keep talking to us here. We understand. I understand, like you're speaking my own thoughts, but you're stronger than I am in that you can say them. So keep writing here until you can see your counselor. Maybe not what you wanted to hear, but it's all I can suggest.

You worth more than you may think. Stay with us.

DJ