I cant take anymore

[tracey]

Sorry I'm writing again so soon and can I say thank you to all of you for your kind words and support.
I now find myself sat here crying my eyes out and feeling useless. Don't know where else to turn, if it wasn't for the boys I would end it all right now but havn't got the guts or the heart to do it to them. My mind keeps saying they'd be better off without you but I dont want to leave them without a mum. I love my boys and want them to know that, I know how it feels to know your mum doesn't so thats why I cant do it.
Don't know where else to turn so decided to write here again instead of sitting going insaner by the second.
I was talking on msn to my friend earlier who knows what I'm going through and he cheered me up alot tonight, I cant remember laughing so much in a long time.
It was spoilt though by me going to the kitchen cupboard for a packet of crisps only to find that a mouse had already beaten me to it and half the other stuff in the cupboard. Its not that I'm scared of mice cos I'm not, it's hard to explain but it's the dirt that goes with them thats caused the panic. I now have to set to and scrub the kitchen from top to bottom, the cleaning itself doesn't bother me as I suffer from O.C.D but I just don't have the energy with not sleeping. I'm supping coffee and redbull like it's going out of fashion but its no good. It doesn't help that I'm in so much pain still either but I need to find some energy from somewhere. I want to sleep so badly but cant cos of the dirt in kitchen but also when you're awake you can fight off flashbacks n memories but when you're asleep they get a free run of your head and screw it up and my heads screwed up enough already, so I'm too scared to sleep mouse or no mouse!
The trouble is it might seem daft and pathetic but I feel worse now cos not only do I feel dirty and disgusting but I cant even keep my house clean and tidy which i not only have to do for myself but for my boys, I feel as though I've let them down. Not only by keeping making the biggest mistakes ever, making them have a mum whos so depressed and scared to sleep or go out, but I cant even keep our home clean and hygienic!
My friend asked if I was ok after I said about the mouse and although I was shaking and sobbing and in a right mess I still sent back "yeah ta" typical of me,screaming inwardly for help but too stubborn and scared to admit it. He didn't believe me I don't think cos he sent back "ok I won't push" but why cant I say to him of all people no I need help? I trust him and know he would be there for me cos he always has been, I would say he is the only one in my life atm who I can trust and turn to, so why did I cover up how I felt?? I feel pathetic and I don't want to be a nuisance and for him to get fed up of my moaning and being so down I suppose. As I've needed his support alot lately and oh I dont know???
I hate my life, I hate my head and all it's thoughts, memories, voices and flashbacks. I just hate everything about me. I hate feeling and being so scared all the time. Scared of losing those I care about scared they'll leave as thats what usually happens.
I hate the fact that I want to be/need to be cuddled and yearn to be loved for once without having to give too much in return that I dont want to give.
Anyway I'm gonna go get on now thanx for reading this and taking the time to listen to me rambling on and prob making no sense.:cry:

[blondiebear]

You make perfect sense to me. We don't much have a problem with mice. That's likely cause of the housecats, coyotes that come from the creek and the red-wing hawk I saw a few weeks ago.

Our whole county is one big itchy skin crawling ant hill! All of the ants in the county are so closely related that they don't fight each other! They don't bite humans but they eat human food and cat food and look for water are absolutely ingenious!

You are not a failure. These things happen. To all of us in different forms.

I wish I had answers for you about the flashbacks and memories and nightmares. I just live with the nightmares because my husband and I believe that they are how the subconscious processes things.

I'm sorry to be so self centered sounding. I'm just trying to say that I understand. That someone is listening to you.

*gives you a nice clean hug* ;o)

[Pomegranate]

*hugs you* How are you doing now?

[blondiebear]

Checking up on you. How are you?
*gives you a cuddly girlfriend hug*

[tracey]

Thank you for asking about me etc, lifes still not good for me atm. My counsillor says shes got to report what my boyfriend did to her suppervision as it's assault. So I paniced and really freaked out I couldn't get a taxi home so walked which meant a long walk when your in pain but I didn't care. I got all confused and felt as though everything was a dream I got really scared. I SI quiet badly and in the end contacted my friend who came and found me and got me home safe and cleaned and dressed my arm for me. My councillor thinks I should also go to the dr and get put back on my meds which I am thinking about as I cant carry on like this. I'm scared he comes back again in morn cos it's always a fri when he comes and it was last fri when he hurt me.
I just hope he doesn't come because I don't know what will happen.
Thanx for all your kind words.

[blondiebear]

If your boyfriend comes back, just don't answer the door. Stay in a part of the house where he can't even see if you're at home. You don't have to answer the door just because someone knocks or rings the bell. You don't want a visitor you don't have to open the door to him. If he breaks in, call the police! Then later talk to them or ask your counselor to contact them so they can know more about what is going on.

I'm sorry that you got so scared and confused. How fortunate that you friend was able to help you.

There is nothing wrong with being on meds. They are a tool, not a complete solution. You are obviously working on other parts of the solution by working with a counselor and letting your friend help you.

btw, How's it going with the mouse?

Let us know how it goes Friday morning?

*gives you a reassuring hug*

[tracey]

thanx he didn't show up thankfully but my friend was warned anyway and said he's always there. I hope he never comes again though as I can't ignore the door because I would feel too bad about it and ignorant and thats just not me I'm afraid.
As for the mouse I've got a electronic deterant in the kitchen and my friend lent me 1 so I've got that in the living room just in case. Theres been no sign since but still feel house is dirty and desgusting, esp as still have no energy.
feeling very very very low and depressed still and wanting to SI more and more which is scaring me. I dont like to be alone atm as thats all I want to do or I go to pieces but gonna be alone later as the boys are at their dads so I'm not sure how I'll be. Thanks though and talk soon xx

[chocostashchick]

Tracey honey i am so sorry you are going through all this crap
how are you now? what's going on?
as for having low energy and feeling like everthing in the house is a mess, maybe you can divide the place up by sections and do a bit at a time? i find that cleaning can be very therapeutic so you might get the benefit of feeling better as well as feeling cleaner. it will also keep you busy and distracted which is so helpful because it is a great way to stay safe. Susan is right, your home is your private property and if you don't let him in he can't get in, and if he tries to break in he is breaking the law and the police will be on your side.
you call him your boyfriend, but if that is how he treats you, please know that boyfriends aren't supposed to do that. i really hope that you will take him out of your life and make him an ex-boyfriend and not a boyfriend, because he doesn't deserve you. what he is doing is wrong and illegal. why don't you want your therapist to report it? it is your life and your business so you totally deserve to have control over it, but those people may be able to help you so please think about letting them?
i hope you are doing better sweetie. please update when you can, Tracey
xxxooo callie