Jokes/Anecdotes/things that make you smile.

[Queen Crabbit]

Heard a good joke today and want to share? One of your friends done something hilarious? Your children said something just SO cute & you want to share?

WELL POST IT HERE.
:)

I'll start, with the best description of PMT I've ever seen...

Q: How many women with PMS does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: One. ONE!! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb. They don't even know the bulb is BURNED OUT. They would sit in this house in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it OUT. And once they figured it out they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past SEVENTEEN YEARS. But if, by some miracle, they actually found the light bulbs, TWO DAYS LATER the chair that they dragged across two rooms over to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE RUMPLED WRAPPER THE STUPID LIGHT BULBS CAME IN! WHY?! BECAUSE NO ONE IN THIS HOUSE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE 12 FEET DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE. THIS HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS....
I'm sorry... what did you ask me?

[crazykat]

Haha that made me LOL'ed

[blondiebear]

I didn't know that PMS was required for an outburst like that. My dear husband vacuumed the front room this weekend, then left the vacuum right in the middle of the room!

[Kangaroo]

OMG that was funny. I could see myself saying something similar.

LOL :hehe::-p:hehe:

[brap_brap]

thats is so funny and true. It took me months to decide to clean my car fully andit took me 5 long hours to clean then i forgot to wipe the inside of my windows oops lol

[pedro]

can smyphase today girls ....

[sparklyshoes]

hehehehehe :-D

[pea soup]

my computer screen just about got dr pepper spit all over it!!!!!
thats so me!!!!!
thanks chels.

[effervescence]

excellent :)

[Merc]

LMFAO!!!! MY hubby htought was hilariousY!!!
I,m one of the luck few who have NEVER sufferd PMS...
*backs out of the room carefully
Chels, that was fab!!!
Love ya
romp

[Casper_Fading]

lmao that's so true!!!!

[Merc]

THIS SHOULD BE STICKYIED!!!!
big bump
romp

[Merc]

can we PLEASE sticky this????!!!
romp

[Queen Crabbit]

I'm going to edit the title of this post to inclue all things that make you giggle, because I don't see the point in just stickying a joke, so get posting - I'm at work and need a laugh!

[Queen Crabbit]

Helga was hang the wash out to dry, and then went downtown to pick up some dry cleaning.

''Gootness, iss hot,'' she mused to herself as the sun beat down on her. She passed by a tavern and said, ''Vy nought?'' So she walked into the air conditioning and took a seat at the bar.

"Bartender," she said. "I vill have unt cold beer, please.''

The bartender asked, ''Anheuser Busch?''

''Vell, fine, tanks," she said, "Just unt leetle svetty.''

[blondiebear]

What do you call a smart blonde? A golden retriever.

How do you drown a blonde? Put a mirror in the bottom of a swimming pool.

Why did the blonde stare at the can of orange juice? Because the lable said concentrate.

[Queen Crabbit]

I lol'd.
:)

[Ragdoll]

Why do ducks have webbed feet? To put out the fires...

Why do elephants have flat feet? To put out the burning ducks!

[typsee]

romp - lets see how the thread goes for a while before stickying it ..... stickied threads do tend to get overlooked unless they've built up a bit of a following, so it might be good to wait and see whether the thread takes off or not.

Let the joke telling continue!

*reminds self to pop back to read this thread properly when I've got a spare moment*

[sparklyshoes]

Why are pirated called pirates?

Because they arrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

heh

[Merc]

when my daughter was about 2 1/2 3 she was singing in the bath ,playing with her barbies,and this song came from out of nowhere;

"Barbie has blonde hair, so do i
Barbie has blue eyes, so do i
barbie has boobies (looks down) and i dont"

Oh i almost peed myself when she did it LOL LOL We STILL laugh about it today...at 16 she doesnt find it as funny lol
romp

[Merc]

c'mon peeps!!! more jokes
we NEED more laughs in our lives!!
romp

[Spork.]

Woman goes to jump off of tower bridge. Sailor shouts 'No, don't do it. I'll stow you away and you can start a new life in the USA' Three weeks later the woman is found and brought before the captain. The captain asks 'What are you doing on my ship?' The woman replies 'Your sailor is stowing me away to the USA. In exchange for food and water I let him ****** me every night' Captain replies 'Oh he's ********* you alright, this is the woolich ferry!'

[Spork.]

A class is sitting at school when the teacher asks them what they would have instead of skin and why they would have it. Johnny raises his hand and the teacher says 'yes Johnny. What would you have and why' Johnny replies 'I'd have gold miss. That way I could scratch a bit off and have enough to buy a ferrari' Teacher says 'Very good' and moves on to the next boy. 'David, what would you have' David replies 'A bit like Johnny miss but I'd have platinum. That way I could scratch some off and have enough for a ferrari and a porsche' The teacher turns to the last boy 'And you Tom, what would you have?' Tom replies 'Pubic hair miss. My sister only has a tiny patch and you should see the motors outside her place'

[D-liscious]

a priest and a rabbi are travelling on a train togther, as the journey continues the priest says to the rabbi "can i ask you a question?"
the rabbi answers "yes i suppose so"
the preist asks the rabbi "have you ever had a bacon sandwich?"
the rabbi answeres " erm uh er well if im totally honest yes i have but only once and ive never done it again!"

the journey continues and the rabbi asks "father can i ask you a question?"
the priest replies " since you answered my question honestly the least i can do is answer yours honestly"
the rabbi asks "father can you tell me have you ever had sex?"
the priest replies " um er hm well if im being totally honest yes i have but only once and ive never done it again!"

to which the rabbi replies "its much better than a bacon sandwich isnt it!!!!!"

[shootingstar777]

Why Men Are Happier

Men can play with toys all their life.
Men can wear shorts no matter what their legs look like.
Men have one wallet and one pair of shoes which are good for every season.
Men can choose whether or not to grow a mustache.
Men can "do" their fingernails with a pocket knife.
Men's bellies usually hide their large hips.
Chocolate is just another snack.
The whole garage belongs to them.
Weddings take care of themselves.
Men's last name never changes.
Everything on a man's face stays its original color.
Men only have to shave their faces and necks.
Men can keep the same hairstyle for years, even decades.
Men can do their Christmas shopping for 25 relative on Christmas Eve in 25 minutes.
For men, wrinkles add character.
Men can go on a week's vacation and pack only one suitcase.
Men's new shoes don't cause blisters, or cut or mangle their feet.
Men don't have to stop and think which way to turn a screw.
Men have one mood all the time.
A wedding dress cost $5000. A tuxedo rental - 100 bucks
Men can open all their own jars.


A first grade teacher shared a number of well known proverbs with her pupils, asking them to complete the sentence. Their answers were surprisingly insightful:
As you shall make your bed so shall you... mess it up.
Better to be safe than... punch a 5th grader.
Strike while the... bug is close.
It's always darkest before... daylight savings time.
Never underestimate the power of... termites.
Don't bite the hand that... looks dirty.
A miss is as good as a... Mister.
You can't teach an old dog new... math.
An idle mind is... the best way to relax.
Where there's smoke, there's... pollution.
Happy the bride who... gets all the presents!
A penny saved is... not much.
Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and... you have to blow your nose.
If at first you don't succeed... get new batteries.
You get out of something what you... see pictured on the box.
When the blind leadeth the blind... get out of the way."

[Queen Crabbit]

The Difference Between Men and Women
(By Dave Barry) Let's say a guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine. He asks her out to dinner; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out again; and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else.
And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to Elaine, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: "Do you realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?"
And then there is silence in the car.
To Elaine, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of.
And Roger is thinking: Wow! Six months.
And Elaine is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily toward... I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?
And Roger is thinking: So, that means it was... let's see... February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer's, which means...let me check the odometer... Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here.
And Elaine is thinking: He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed, even before I sensed it, that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected.
And Roger is thinking: And I'm going to have them look at the transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It's 87 degrees and this thing is shifting like a garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600.
And Elaine is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry, too. I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the way I feel.
I'm just not sure.
And Roger is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90-day warranty... idiots.
And Elaine is thinking: Maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.
And Roger is thinking: Warranty? They'd better not say its only a 90-day warranty.
"Roger," Elaine says aloud.
"What?" says Roger, startled.
"Please don't torture yourself like this," she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. "Maybe I should never have... Oh my, I feel so... (She breaks down, sobbing.)
"What?" says Roger.
"I'm such a fool," Elaine sobs. "I mean, I know there's no knight. I really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse."
"There's no horse?" says Roger.
"You think I'm a fool, don't you?" Elaine says.
"No!" says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer.
"It's just that...it's that I...I need some time," Elaine says.
There is a 15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work. "Yes," he says.
Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand. "Oh, Roger, do you really feel that way?" she says.
"What way?" says Roger.
"That way about time," says Elaine.
"Oh," says Roger. "Yes."
Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks.
"Thank you, Roger," she says.
"Thank you," says Roger.
Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn.
When Roger gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis match between two Czechoslovakians he never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it's better if he doesn't think about it.
The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification. They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it, either.
Meanwhile, Roger, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his and Elaine's, will pause just before serving, frown, and say, "Norm, did Elaine ever own a horse?"
And that's the difference between men and women.

[Queen Crabbit]

PERFECT DAY FOR A WOMAN:


8:15 Wake up to hugs and kisses.
8:30 Weigh 5 lbs. lighter than yesterday.
8:45 Breakfast in bed, fresh squeezed orange juice and croissants.
9:15 Soothing hot bath with fragrant lilac bath oil.
10:00 Light workout at club with handsome, funny personal trainer.
10:30 Facial, manicure, shampoo, and comb out.
12:00 Lunch with best friend at an outdoor cafe.
12:45 Notice ex-boyfriend's wife, she has gained 30 lbs..
1:00 Shopping with friends.
3:00 Nap.
4:00 A dozen roses delivered by florist. Card is from a secret admirer.
4:15 Light workout at club followed by a gentle massage
5:30 Pick outfit for dinner. Primp before mirror.
7:30 Candlelight dinner for two followed by dancing.
10:00 Hot shower. Alone.
10:30 Make love.
11:00 Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling.
11:15 Fall asleep in his big, strong arms.

PERFECT DAY FOR A MAN:


6:00 Alarm.
6:15 Blowjob.
6:30 Massive dump while reading the sports section.
7:00 Breakfast. Filet Mignon, eggs, toast and coffee.
7:30 Limo arrives.
7:45 Bloody Mary en route to airport.
8:15 Private jet to Augusta, Georgia.
9:30 Limo to Augusta National Golf Club.
9:45 Play front nine at Augusta, finish 2 under par.
11:45 Lunch. 2 dozen oysters on the half shell. 3 Heinekens.
12:15 Blowjob.
12:30 Play back nine at Augusta, finish 4 under par.
2:15 Limo back to airport. Drink 2 Bombay martinis.
2:30 Private jet to Nassau, Bahamas. Nap.
3:15 Late afternoon fishing excursion with topless female crew.
4:30 Catch world record light tackle marlin-1249 lbs.
5:00 Jet back home. En route, get massage from naked supermodel.
7:00 Watch CNN Newsflash. Clinton resigns.
7:30 Dinner. Lobster appetizers, 1963 Dom Perignon, 20 Oz. New York strip.
9:00 Relax after dinner with 1789 Augler Cognac and Cohiba Cuban cigar.
10:00 Have sex with two 18 year old nymphomaniacs.
11:00 Massage and Jacuzzi.
11:45 Go to bed.
11:50 Let loose a 12 second, 4 octave fart. Watch the dog leave the room.
11:55 Laugh yourself to sleep.

[Ami]

A class is sitting at school when the teacher asks them what they would have instead of skin and why they would have it. Johnny raises his hand and the teacher says 'yes Johnny. What would you have and why' Johnny replies 'I'd have gold miss. That way I could scratch a bit off and have enough to buy a ferrari' Teacher says 'Very good' and moves on to the next boy. 'David, what would you have' David replies 'A bit like Johnny miss but I'd have platinum. That way I could scratch some off and have enough for a ferrari and a porsche' The teacher turns to the last boy 'And you Tom, what would you have?' Tom replies 'Pubic hair miss. My sister only has a tiny patch and you should see the motors outside her place'

Lmao .. very good

[Queen Crabbit]

The youngest rendition of Hey Jude (http://www.collegehumor.com/video:1802734) Ever.
SO cute.

[pedro]

if whoopi goldberg married gerard derpardieu ...............................

think about it, she be called.. hehehe

[sweet_pain]

The youngest rendition of Hey Jude (http://www.collegehumor.com/video:1802734) Ever.
SO cute.


Cutest thing Ever!!

[this too shall pass]

Difference Between Women And Men


1.NAMES
If Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara go out for lunch, they will call each other Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara. If Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.


2.EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom will each throw in a $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back. When the women get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.


3.MONEY
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need, but it's on sale.


4.BATHROOMS
A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Marriott. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.


5.ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that... is the beginning of a new argument.


6.CATS
Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.


7.FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.


8.SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can
spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.


9.MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.


10.DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail. A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.


11.NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.


12.OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.


13.THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.



AND FINALLY....

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, jack asses, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

[random.swirls]

All hair removal methods have tricked us with their promises of easy, painless removal. The epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now.... The Wax!!



My night began as any other normal weekday night. Come home; fix dinner; played with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours; "Maybe I should pull the wax out of the medicine cabinet?"



So I headed to the site of my demise; the bathroom. It was one of those cold wax kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand and then they get warm and you peel them apart, press it to your leg (or wherever else) and hair comes right off!



No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I'm no girly, girl, but I am mechanically inclined enough that I can figure it out. *YA THINK!!!*



So I pull one of the thin strips out. It's two strips facing each other, stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. Cold wax my rear end (Oh, how this phrase haunts me!). I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and pull.



OK... So it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this!!! Hair removal no longer eludes me!! I am She-Ra, fighter of all wayward body hair and smooth skin extraordinaire!!



With my next wax strip, I move "north". After checking on the kids, I sneak back into the bathroom for the ultimate hair fighting championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using the same procedure, I apply the wax strip across the right side of the bikini line, covering the right half of my vagina and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek (Yes, it was a long strip). I inhale deeply and brace myself.... RRRRIIIIIIPPPPPPPP!!!!!!!!



I'm Blind!!!!! Blinded from pain!!!!!!... OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!!!!



Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half of the strip. S**T!! Another deep breath and RRIIPP... Everything is swirly and spotted. Do I hear crashing drums????? OK, back to normal. I want to see my trophy - A wax covered strip with my hairy pelt that has caused me so much pain, sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip! There's no hair on it!



Where is the hair?? WHERE IS THE WAX? Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the hair... The hair that should be on the strip. I touch. I am touching wax. S**T!!! I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair.



Then I make the next BIG mistake . . . . . . . Remember, my foot is still propped up on the toilet. I know I need to do something, so I put my foot down. DAMN!!! I hear the slamming of the cell door.



Vagina? Sealed shut! Butt?? Sealed shut!!! I penguin walk around the bathroom, trying to figure out what to do and think to myself, "Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My head may pop off."



Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!! I'll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right?? *WRONG!!!!*



I get in the tub - The water is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit. Now, the only thing worse that having your nether businesses glued together is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub. In scalding hot water!! Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax. So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub!!! God bless the man what convinced me I should have a phone in the bathroom!!! I call my friend, thinking surely she's waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation starter, "So my butt and who-ha are stuck to the bottom of the tub!" There is a slight pause. She doesn't have a secret trick, but does try to hide the laughter from me. She wants to know exactly where the wax is located on bottom, "Are we talking cheeks or hole or what?"



She's laughing out loud by now... I can hear her. I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box. YEAH!!! Right!!!!!! I would be the joke of someone else's night. While we go through various solutions, I resort to scraping the wax off with a razor. Nothing feels better then to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water, and then dry shaving the sticky wax off!!!



By now, the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I slip into glazed donut land. My friend is still talking with me as my hand reaches towards the saving grace... The lotion they give you to remove the excess wax. What do I really have to lose at this point. I rub some on and OH MY GOD!!!!! The scream probably woke the kids, scared the dickens out of my friend, but I really don't care!!



"IT WORKS!! IT WORKS!!" I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up. I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice, to my grief and despair... THE HAIR IS STILL THERE... ALL OF IT!!!!!!!!!!!



So, I shaved it off. Heck, I'm numb at this point.



Next week I'm going to try hair color . . . . . .

[this too shall pass]

every eights weeks i go for a "hollywood" my boyfriend complains about the expense as i shave evrywhere else (armpit and legs) and says i could do the same for free yet enjoys the benefits i am going to point him to this last comment as an arguement to make my point - im sorry you suffered but for me you have won a battle- thank you, it may not make you're suffering any less but it may lead to the changing of at least one mans mind in that he now has to way up the expenditiure of my hollywoods (£28 /eight weeks compared to the human suffering he is willing to inflict on his GF for his pleasure)

[shangri-la]

I love this one:tongue2:

A college professor had just finished explaining an important research
project to his class. He emphasized that this paper was an absolute
requirement for passing his class, and there would be only two
acceptable excuses for being late. Those were a medically certifiable
illness or a death in the student's immediate family. A wisecracking
student in the back of the classroom waved his hand and spoke up "But
what about extreme sexual exhaustion, professor?" As you would
expect,the class exploded in laughter. When the students finally
settled down, the professor gave the student a long, appraising look.
"Well", he responded, "I guess you'll just have to write with your
other hand".

[effervescence]

haha! brilliant.

[D-liscious]

Imagine if all major retailers started making their own condoms AND kept the same tagline...........

Sainsbury Condoms - making life taste better

Tesco Condoms - every little helps

Nike Condoms - Just do it.

Peugeot Condoms - The ride of your life..

Galaxy Condoms - Why have rubber when you can have silk.

KFC Condoms - Finger Licking good.

Minstrels Condoms - melt in your mouth, not in your hands.

Safeway condoms - Lightening the load.

Abbey National condoms - because life is complicated enough.

Halifax Condoms - Always Giving You Extra

Coca Cola condoms - The real thing.

Ever Ready condoms - keep going and going.

Pringles condoms - once you pop, you can't stop

Burger king condoms - Home of the whopper

Goodyear condoms - "for a longer ride go wide"

Muller light condoms - so much pleasure, but where's the pain.

Royal Mail condoms - I saw this and thought of you.

Andrex condoms - Soft, strong and very very long

Renault condoms - size really does matter!

Flash condoms - just sit back, relax and let flash do all the hard work

Domestos condoms - gets right under the rim!!!

Heineken condoms - reaches parts that others just cannot reach

Carlsberg condoms - probably the best in the world

Mars condoms - pleasure you can't measure

AA Condoms - for the 4th emergency service

Pepperami condoms - It's a bit of an animal

Polo condoms - the one with the hole!!! (VERY poor seller!!!)

L'Oreal condoms - because your worth it!

Mr Muscle condoms - love the jobs you hate

[this too shall pass]

haha, how many people would buy polo condoms??

some of those companies should really consider it

what about the old 'if smirnoff made..' ad campaigns

[blondiebear]

You might be a redneck if your smoke detector tells you that your dinner is ready.

You might be a redneck if you take the (beer) cans out of your car and you get 15 more miles to the gallon.

[shadow.princess]

A magazine reporter is traveling through a rainforest, in search of a fabled cannibalistic tribe. He falls into a trap, goes unconscious and wakes up tied to a stake with a fire burning slowly underneath him.

He cries out for help, and is answered by what is obviously one of the tribesmen, who informs him that he is going to be served as dinner to the leader of the tribe.

"But you don''t understand!" he cries, "You can''t do this to me! I''m an editor for the New Yorker magazine!"

"Ah," replies the tribesman, "Well look on the bright side. Soon you will be editor-in-chief!"

[shadow.princess]

At a southern university, students in the psychology program were attending their first class on emotional extremes. "Just to establish some parameters," said the professor to the student from Arkansas, "what is the opposite of joy?"
"Sadness," said the student.
"And the opposite of depression?" he asked of the young lady from Oklahoma.
"Elation," she said.
"And you sir," he said to the young man from Texas, "what about the opposite of woe?"
The Texan replied, "Sir, I believe that would be 'giddy up' ."

[shadow.princess]

Two guys are speeding through Texas when a state trooper pulls them over. The trooper walks up to the drivers side of the car, gets out his billy club and smacks the driver across the face. Stunned, the driver asks, ''Why did you do that??'' The trooper responds, ''You're in Texas now son, you have that license out and ready around here!''
''I apologize sir, I'm not from around here.''
The trooper then walks to the passenger side of the car, and taps on the window. The passenger rolls down his window and the trooper takes out his club and smacks the passenger across the face.
''What was that for?'' asked the passenger.
''I know your kind,'' says the trooper, ''About two miles down the road you would have looked at your buddy and said 'I wish that son of a bitch would have tried that crap with me!'''







okay Im done now

[Queen Crabbit]

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[Queen Crabbit]

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[Queen Crabbit]

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[Queen Crabbit]

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[Queen Crabbit]

PENGUIN IS WATCHING YOU.

http://content.leenks.com/pics/2008/random84/random-31.jpg

[Queen Crabbit]

Beggar signs:

http://img340.imageshack.us/img340/9408/beggarsigns02ck8.jpg

http://img340.imageshack.us/img340/4609/beggarsigns04ea5.jpg

http://img340.imageshack.us/img340/5227/beggarsigns03nd8.jpg

http://img340.imageshack.us/img340/6185/beggarsigns05bw5.jpg

http://img340.imageshack.us/img340/7775/beggarsigns11jl2.jpg

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http://img340.imageshack.us/img340/1214/beggarsigns09uq6.jpg

http://img340.imageshack.us/img340/7970/beggarsigns12wg2.jpg

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http://img340.imageshack.us/img340/4425/beggarsigns07bf7.jpg

http://img340.imageshack.us/img340/793/beggarsigns06aa9.jpg

[Queen Crabbit]

http://www.funhigh.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/03/animal.jpg

[Queen Crabbit]

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[Queen Crabbit]

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[Queen Crabbit]

http://www.mohammadi.ca/media/1/20071120-What%20everyman%20wants.jpg

[Queen Crabbit]

http://i307.photobucket.com/albums/nn315/kensmithshh/image9.jpg

[Queen Crabbit]

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[Queen Crabbit]

http://www.idkwtf.com/videos/latest-videos/cute-ventriloquist-very-funny-stand-up-comedy

Procrastination = <3

[Queen Crabbit]

The Dog's Diary
8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing!
1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 pm - Dinner! My favorite thing!
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!
http://www.goodeatsfanpage.com/_themes/postmodern2/poshorsa.gif
The Cat's Diary
Day 983 of my captivity
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.
The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet. Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates my capabilities. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am. Bastards!
There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.
Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow, but at the top of the stairs.
I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released, and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded. The bird must be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now ...



I really need to get off of stumble...

[D-liscious]

A woman was helping her husband set up his computer, and at the appropriate point in the process, told him that he would now need to enter a password. Something he will use to log on. The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention. So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife what he was thinking as he keyed in .. .


P



E



N



I



S
His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied

PASSWORD DENIED - NOT LONG ENOUGH

[D-liscious]

A woman was unhappy with the way her laundry was done at the local Chinese Laundry, so she wrote a note and put it in the bag with the next collection of soiled clothes :

'USE MORE SOAP ON PANTIES!'

She go t the clean laundry back, and was still dissatisfied with the results, so the following week she enclosed another note:


'USE MORE SOAP ON PANTIES!'

The Chinese laundryman became very annoyed, and when her clean laundry was delivered, it contained a note from HIM:

I USE PLENTY SOAP ON PANTIES!!! USE MORE PAPER ON ASS!!'