tracey
30-03-2008, 04:15 PM
Well I was advised to write on this forum for support and advice so just hope I'm doing the right thing?
My life's a mess and I hate it, not going to do anything though as can't cos I've got 2 adorable sons who mean the world to me and they're all thats keeping me here thats how bad and low I feel.
I cant keep horrible thoughts and memories out of my head and they are tearing me in two.
I was abused as a child from ayoung age in nearly every way shape and form. It was by a man down the street who I trusted and ashamed to say I loved. I didn't get much love at home only from my Gran who did love and spoil me but she was taken away from me when I was 13. I still miss her so much and want her back every day. I can't wait for the day we will be together again because she loved me but never hurt me or frigtened me.
Not like the man he did regularly and even a familly member became involved and between them they arranged for all different men to visit me or me visit them, money was exchanged each time and this would happen every single day sometimes more than once. It wasn't just limited to 1 man at once either which was a nightmare. This carried on for 6yrs but then things changed but not for the better this fam member would still get me doing things with men and I learnt it was more than my life was worth to say no and that I didn't want to!
I had to be taken to the hospital cos of saying no once so learnt to grin and bear it. I've been using SI to get by since the very beginning and struggled to have relationships but even though I am out of these peoples lives now they are still with me every day. I loved the man down the street I'm ashamed to say and wanted him to show me love too. So I feel so dirty and guilty cos sometimes I'd knock on his door and go in just for a cuddle but nine times out of ten had to do something to earn it. "Nothing in life comes for free pet lamb" was his fav saying. So he was right I did ask for it litrally which is why I know I was in the wrong and I did make him do it.
Every relationship I've been in nearly has been abusive in one way sape or form.
This last one my boyfriend says he tries to understand what I've been through but cant understand why I struggle with anything sexual because I either freak out or feel too bad aftrwards or it causes a flashback.
The other night he carried on when I shook my head because he says I should have said no properly. Then day before yesterday he tried to convince me I did want to be sexual by pinning me down to the sofa, he stopped cos we were disturbed but I'm all bruised and sore still, my chest hurts cos he's alot bigger than me and was squashing me.
He's now left a message that he loves me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me. All I ever wanted to be was loved so I am so confused, I'm scared because I'm losing control to try and feel clean again.
I have my past and him talking to me in my head all the time and cant take it, I feel so disgusting and dirty, this morning I tried to make myself feel clean I got a bath and scrubbed for ages but it didn't work even with [mod edit - something] in the water yes it smelt clean but I didn't feel it I think it's impossible for me to be clean as I'm just too dirty. I got out of the bath and had to SI but not once which frightens me cos it wasn't enough I had to keep cutting over and over again and I only really stopped when my friends came. I'm so scared and out of control but dont know what to do or where to turn anymore. I'm lost and cant find my way. I just want to curl up in a corner and disappear!
Thanks for listening to me moaning and I'm so sorry if this has upset anyone or I shouldn't have wrote anything that I did. Sorry
My life's a mess and I hate it, not going to do anything though as can't cos I've got 2 adorable sons who mean the world to me and they're all thats keeping me here thats how bad and low I feel.
I cant keep horrible thoughts and memories out of my head and they are tearing me in two.
I was abused as a child from ayoung age in nearly every way shape and form. It was by a man down the street who I trusted and ashamed to say I loved. I didn't get much love at home only from my Gran who did love and spoil me but she was taken away from me when I was 13. I still miss her so much and want her back every day. I can't wait for the day we will be together again because she loved me but never hurt me or frigtened me.
Not like the man he did regularly and even a familly member became involved and between them they arranged for all different men to visit me or me visit them, money was exchanged each time and this would happen every single day sometimes more than once. It wasn't just limited to 1 man at once either which was a nightmare. This carried on for 6yrs but then things changed but not for the better this fam member would still get me doing things with men and I learnt it was more than my life was worth to say no and that I didn't want to!
I had to be taken to the hospital cos of saying no once so learnt to grin and bear it. I've been using SI to get by since the very beginning and struggled to have relationships but even though I am out of these peoples lives now they are still with me every day. I loved the man down the street I'm ashamed to say and wanted him to show me love too. So I feel so dirty and guilty cos sometimes I'd knock on his door and go in just for a cuddle but nine times out of ten had to do something to earn it. "Nothing in life comes for free pet lamb" was his fav saying. So he was right I did ask for it litrally which is why I know I was in the wrong and I did make him do it.
Every relationship I've been in nearly has been abusive in one way sape or form.
This last one my boyfriend says he tries to understand what I've been through but cant understand why I struggle with anything sexual because I either freak out or feel too bad aftrwards or it causes a flashback.
The other night he carried on when I shook my head because he says I should have said no properly. Then day before yesterday he tried to convince me I did want to be sexual by pinning me down to the sofa, he stopped cos we were disturbed but I'm all bruised and sore still, my chest hurts cos he's alot bigger than me and was squashing me.
He's now left a message that he loves me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me. All I ever wanted to be was loved so I am so confused, I'm scared because I'm losing control to try and feel clean again.
I have my past and him talking to me in my head all the time and cant take it, I feel so disgusting and dirty, this morning I tried to make myself feel clean I got a bath and scrubbed for ages but it didn't work even with [mod edit - something] in the water yes it smelt clean but I didn't feel it I think it's impossible for me to be clean as I'm just too dirty. I got out of the bath and had to SI but not once which frightens me cos it wasn't enough I had to keep cutting over and over again and I only really stopped when my friends came. I'm so scared and out of control but dont know what to do or where to turn anymore. I'm lost and cant find my way. I just want to curl up in a corner and disappear!
Thanks for listening to me moaning and I'm so sorry if this has upset anyone or I shouldn't have wrote anything that I did. Sorry