CHANGED TITLE...DEF> TRIG** it IS a crash..

[Merc]

wonder-****in-ful.
not what i need.
most of it is my arm...i cant sleep tiill 5-8 AM on many many pils, plus alcohol , then i crsh till now usually &PM almost. The othe day i slept the day around
My arm is ok-ish , stoned to the eyebslls buit other than that....IT ****ING HURT. I van usually tale ALOT od pain..i mean c'mon...i shot myself...TWICE! FFS. And i wimp out over this??? Quit whiny you worhtless ****.

I had about 10 days of wonderful, of happy, it was INCREDIBLE...and now it is a pile of **** on my shoe

im snapping ar my daughter for mo reL reason..thrn apologizing...all this pooor child id going to remember in her childhood id mommy being grumpy, going in hospital, new wounds appearing where she can see.....

WHAT SORT OF ****ING LIFE IX THAT FOR A KID???!!!

ITS THE SORT OF LFE THAT BROUGHT KIDS HERE!!!!!

oH GOD MAKE IT STOP
MAKE ME STOP DOPING THIS..
I JAHET MYSELF SO MUCH
MY GP IS AWAY ITLL LATE APRIL..WOMDERFUL.
i GIVE UP ON FINDING A PSYCH
i CALLED THE LOCAL MH TEAM, WHO IS 'UP TO DATE, ON ALL...FINALLY GOT A LIST FAXED TO ME OF AVAILABLE DR IN MY CITY...not one ogf them practices; or ios retired, is in another city...and the first one i tried, well you haerd of him.

I'm so sick of this..im begging for help and no one give a ****.....
how much ,ore damage do i have to do to myseklf before they wuill ****ing notice??? Whrn im dead, will they look over and say,'oh, her, yes i wasmeant to see he'

Like bloody hell bastards dont even ****ing know me

think maybe the doc is onto soemthing anout BiPolar II maybe...only tried to discuss it with him a million times...and hears the laugh..he says he doenst wNT to 'label me' or 'put me in a box' i agree...BUT THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT HE HAS DONE..not one 10-1`5 visit goes by without him blabbering about BPD....Im ready to pound him next tiome it comes out of his moiuth!! And im ****ing serious...I WILL do it...funny ghing is, THEN oi would get help LOL LOL
**** the mh services...oh no WAIT...NOT the 'servicezss'
US CLIENTS ARE THE ONES GWETTING ****ED!!!

Maybe i sghould tell him i like a kiss before i get ****ed??

romp

[pea soup]

oh Rompers....
i was soooo hoping this wouldnt happen to you.
and im fed up with your bastard docs too.
im sorry youve gone through so much ****.
i dont really have any advice hunni.

Kelly sends lots of love and thanks you for the advice for my mouth.

please be safe romp.
always keeping you in my thoughts.
love you.
xxxxxxxx

[blondiebear]

Giving you a big careful hug.

[Merc]

I have ben force to cll my lst asshiol psych nd ask him toi take me back...how humilitating.
But i cme to realise somehting somehting very importabnt befre i called...i WII suidie if i do not see someone

THIS IS NOT A SUICIDE THREAR. Altho uit sounds as one..I guarenteeit is ot. IF i annot see him there is chimo crisis center i will go to. or er.

i realize i can NOt do this anymoe...i would try the ER now but ftyer a 10-12 hour wait they wuill send me hime and then i will exoldfe...THEN i will be a suicide risk..so i am avoiding tht optin. UI av been there enough to know wgow they work.

This is the most go-awful feeling i hve even had...i hve said ive been lost/lon/desperate befpre..but those were merely tastes of how horrible it can get.Be damnedif i'll let the bastards win

**** THAT!!! i AM STRONGER THAN THEY REALISE.

It shall be the most belittling feeling feeling in the world to give him the power back...but he will NOT hold it for long..i promise that. Things will be done MY way!


I REFUSE TO OPT OUT BY DYING!!!

i promised my daughter, when , by choice, i had to explain the godawful scars on my wistrs; which i REFUSE to cover anymore.

I told my hubby; i love you far too much to EVER put you thru that!

So we shall see what tomorrow brings...if he doesnot call, i will call evry 1/2 an hour, theni will go in and make more of a hasle. You wanna **** with me??!! You betterbe good>

I shall update tomorrow.
Thanks for reading, your support allows me to re-find my strength.

romp


(excuse sp errors...im too pissed off to care, sorry)

[hammy]

oh romp hunni, just read this.
please don't give up. You're way too special - everyone is too special for that!/ I sympathise, knwo how you feel. Am worried about you. Please take special care wont you.

Sending more hugs - although I know it wont make it go away.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[pea soup]

im really glad you are so determined hunni.
please keep that spirit.
let us know how it goes?
*careful snuggles*
love you.
xxxxxxxx

[Merc]

Last night , drunk and other things..that seemed my only option...to go back to him.
But the laugh i on me..IO SIMPLY CAN'T go back...he is the type who will rub it in your face every chance he gets...
IO imply cant do it
With chimo i get 8 sessions then have to wait THREE MONTHS for 8 more...that's intelligent.
May be i'll stab mysle f a few time lol. havent done that yet..(NOT)

****, i cant talk anymore
if im not around.answering , you kno why...
Love ya all
romp

[Casper_Fading]

Romp. HOney. LISTEN to yourself. With one breath you're saying you can't do this and then the other breath you can. I'm only listening to one breath though. you CAN do this. I KNOW you can do this. You know why your shoulder hurts so much more than anything else? Because you didn't do it to yourself. Ask anyone around here who's done serious damage to themselves if accidental pain hurts more. It does. You didn't inflict it so it hurts more. I don't know why but I know it's true. My doctor thinks it's something about the mindset cause a sprained ankle hurt waaaaaaaaaaaay more than a cut with 13 stitches for me and that was down to the bone... so yeah. I don't know. Pain does funny things to your head. And your body. You're body was taxed already from what you'd put it through and it is now expressing it's displeasure to you through your shoulder.

About your daughter... you tell her you love her don't you. You APOLOGISE if you've been grumpy. THAT is what matters. Yes she's seen you go through some really hard times and maybe wondered if she'd get to keep her mum but you've promised her, your husband and most importantly yourself that you're not going to cop out of this. And you wont. It's hard isn't it. As soon as you decide that you're going to move forward it seems like eveythting crashes upon you.

It's not that though. It's that you're USE to hurting and being depressed and the rest. You're nto use to being happy. It takes a long time to get use to that. And maybe one day (maybe not) You'll not look for the fall behind the happiness. Even now I wonder when i'm going to crash when i'm happy. Right now you're not expecting the happiness to last so you subconciously sabotage it. You consciously want it to last but you don't really expect it to.

This is normal. Crashing is normal. It sucks though. It will suck for a long time. Romp you CAN do this. I have faith in you. SO much faith. I'm so proud of you. For how far you've come. I know you can do this. I believe in you.

Love you!
Jess