Confused and venting

[Kerroo]

Am new here and don't really know anyone and don't want to add to anyones problems but I just need to...I dunno just need to get stuff out i guess.

Used to self-harm years ago got really really bad and after tried to kill myself a few times I edned up in hospital for few years. Got out was still self harming but started to get control. Got myself a flat, went to college got enough qualifications to uni where I'm in my final year. Started work and am now on my second job which am loving. My family and friends have mostly forgiven me but never forgotten my past and every time I'm even a tiny bit down they panic in case I start up again. And i know there disgusted by my past self harming and my scars which I try to keep covered but theres some I cant and make up doesnt work cos u can see tht theres something there.

Got my self harming down to few times a day then a week then kept going and until october hadnt harmed in about 2 yrs. But since then I've harmed twice which I know is nothing compared to what i used to but it's constanstly on my mind and I don't know how to control it I need something. I can't talk to anyone as they either don't know (well sure they can tell from my sscars but it's not a thing we talk about) like my new friends from uni or like my family they go on about how proud they are of me for stopping how can I dissapooint them by telling them i've done it again? I don't think they'd forgive me again and I couldnt put them through more crap I've done tht enough.

It just seems like everythings falling apart like I'm losing everyone and everything, 2 of my firends have died this year one during the summer and as thought was going to get through it another died 2 days ago and my grades are falling at uni and my final grade itsnt going to be worth the paper its written on and i'm not going to be able to do anything with my degreee and everyone else is making all these plans for when they leave but i can't cos my amrk isnt good enough and im too dumb. I just feel like a total failure and now i'm going back to my freaky ways and i dont know what to do.

I don't know if it even matters whether I cut or not cos thts how everyone defines me anyway as soon as people look at me you can them staring at them and when my tutor at uni heard about my friend dying she freaked out and strted going on about counsellors which given how im feeling right now would b understanable if she knew but we've only spoken about twice before so she's obviously just judging me by my freak body.

I'm just so confused I don't want it to take over again but I need something...sorry for all the waffle I just needed to vent i think.

[Merc]

first off *welcome*
*waves*
you are NOT waffling, you are in pain from having all these things to deal with and no one to turn to...no one can do this alone. so ryl will help much as we can;listen, support,give *hugs*. but ultimately you need professional, RL care. do you have a doc/couns/therapist/crisis team/etc??? if not, please speak with you gp about it , ask for a reffferal you deserve one hunni.
i cant believe how your family is hurting you...what they saying is disgusting *hugs*
pls keep talking ok???rant as much as you need to okay?
so sorry hunni
will be thinking of you.
oh , and could your gp not help w school with writing a notte describing what you are dealin with?? many many students have to go this route and after, they are soooo happy for it.
again, pls keep us updated ok???
love
romp

[Kija]

welcome!
sorry to hear of the pain your going through. i hope you find ryl useful and fun! we are all hear to listen hug and help each other. please keep talking. about uni and your grades - can you speak to your gp and uni about your options? because it is worth it. i had to drop out of uni for a year, and unofficially go back in may, to get back into it. but even though i'm not totally better, it has helped enormously, and hopefully i wont fail 3rd year next year as i would have if i hadnt taken time out.
and maybe councelling or something would be a good idea?
keep us posted
big hugs.
xxx

[blondiebear]

Right now I'm too tired to say anything coherent. I do want to say that you are welcome here. That is why we are here. Vent, talk, whine, ask for hugs.

You are not your disease! You are you and you have a disease, that i've learned to think of as a dis-ease, that is we are not at ease about ourselves.

I'm sorry that people define you that way.

Be good to yourself.
*gives you a hug*

[Kerroo]

Thanks for all the welcomes and hugs and support, much appreciated *hugs*.

Don't know what I'm going to do yet but all your advice has been helpful and I know I should do somehting. I don't trust my doc at all, go to her with flu and she goes over top trying to prescribe stuff or get me re-admitted but some of the other stuff might be a possibility.

I just want to get through each dya/hour/minute/second at the mo. funeral on wed so am just focussing on surviving that just now.

Thanks for all your support, take care xx

[blondiebear]

I know from experience that certain actions help get through a bad time like this.

-If it is something you do, pray
-Spend nervous energy working in the house or the garden.
-Keep your hands busy with some kind of craft.

And of course, hang out with us.