Hating yourself is just not enough. So what more can i do?

[Margo]

Last week my sister came in with a problem and started moaning about how awful it is in this house.

To cut a long story short, i totally lost it, punched the wall rather hard, made her hysterical and then ended up showing her my arm. Poor girl hadnt got a clue. Never ever ocurred to her that she had never seen me in short sleeves. lol. I digress.

I text my mother who i have not spoken to for over a year and asked if i could come home. She was in Switzerland at the time. I still havent spoken to her.

I told my father i couldnt stay here any longer. Its stressing me out. All he kept asking was whether i could cope with living with her husband after all he had done to me. He never told me he didnt want me to go *hangs head and looks lost*

The following day my counsellor asked if i thought i needed to be admitted. I wasnt sure, but i told her i didnt feel well.

The biggest problem for me right now is my father's wife. She ignores me. She has asked me once in 14 months if im ok. She has never asked me when i have been away for a few days if i had a nice time. She makes me paranoid. I am too afraid to leave my room. she has destroyed any confidence i had in cooking. So i cant even do that any more.

The thing is that there is no room at my mothers. Perhaps a floor for a few nights and thats it. The other option is funded housing or council accom. I know it sounds awful but i know the latter two options would kill me.

I think about suicide most days. Usually after the prospect of the future; of which i see none. Its funny cus when i look into the future i see myself as some wierd tramp or social outcast. I see myself as the kind of person i had always strived never to become. I honestly dont know how to see anything else anymore.

If there was a word to describe the level of hatred i have for myself then i dont think its been invented yet. For now, lets call it Colin. Why Colin? Well Colin is a pretty normal and un assuming type of name. It has certain ambivalent qualities to it. And thats kinda how my hate has become. I can no longer raise it to cut myself to the deep. Or take weeks worth of pills in a couple of swallows.

I want it to take me to hospital. I want it to do that at least. Then at least i have somewhere to go. Then maybe i wont feel such a **** up. On the journey there perhaps there could be a compliction and that would lead me to die?


God if only i had the strength to do it. Im not even scared of the pain anymore. Ive taught myself to withstand more pain than i ever could before. But i just cant do it. I wish i knew why.

SO how do i get back the hatred and the anger to make the cuts as deep as they were. How do i get all those little yellow and red pills down in one go? How do i get back to the point at which im on my way to the woods?

If not that then how do i lose the fear?

Im so very tired of daying one thing and feeling another. Just to stop the look of hurt in someone elses eyes.





Please can someone older, wiser come and take me and look after me? Show me what to do and when to do it. Ill do it. I dont want a father who comes and tells me his wifes problems and who i end up fathering. I dont want a mum who although i used to get along great with, i cant look at now without feeling abandoned.


Im tired of having all the answers to all your questions. Im tired of asking all your questions too. i want someone to ask me the right ones. To tell me i did well when i get it right, or show me another way when i get it wrong.

God this is long. Probably makes no sense. Its a miracle i havent deleted it.



Sorry im a crap member now. I tried so hard before but it just wasnt enough. sorry

[chocostashchick]

Matthew sweetie i am sending you gigantic virtual hugs with like massive virtual support built in

you are not a crap member silly boy so don't worry about that please

about the hatred and the anger and wanting it back - please don't want that so that you can have some fuel for the fire to SH
think about it, what did that ever give you really? did it make you better? were you healthier then? were you happier? somehow i doubt that

maybe hospital is a good idea? you seemed kind of in favor of it toward the end of your post, and your counsellor offered
you seem really low and desperate right now and you deserve to feel better and the hosp would be a safe place
plus it sounds like your home with your father and your home with your mother if you went there are both places that are unsafe and unsupportive to you, so perhaps hosp is also a good idea because it gets you away from both

i am sorry you had that intense incident with your sister
how are you now? how is she? i take it that she didn't know and now the cat is out of the bag so i hope that's okay - at least that is one less secret to worry about?

i can totally relate to the self-hatred thing by the way - you definitely aren't alone. i sort of wish i had some wise words of wisdom about it, but i don't. *hugs*

by the way, your parents don't deserve you
everybody has flaws, nobody is perfect, but your parents seem to have the misfortune of posessing their flaws in the parenting-skills area
unfortunately, that is something that probably won't change
but i hope you know that it's their problem and their fault and not yours

keep posting if you can and let us know how you are Matthew
xxxooo
callie

[blondiebear]

Matthew dear,
I'm so sorry that you're hurting. I understand. I'm not much older, I'm 41, but I'll do my best to help.

I raised my sister and feel like I raised my mother. When my father had open heart surgery a few years ago, I had to take care of Julia-mom. I had to teach her how to shop for groceries because it had been so long since she'd done it. My sis and I had to take her to the hospital which was on the far side of L.A. and an adventure in driving. You might appreciate that I drove through a freeway interchange that is infamous in this area and did it during a baby hail storm. I made a lunch appointment with my Jerre-dad at his business so I could find out what to do and where the papers were in case he didn't make it out of surgery.

I won't go to a meal at my parents house, I always leave the table hungry. When I make suggestions about food I get an argument. I've been burned out on housework and cooking for years.

My in-laws moved nearby a couple of years ago and I just want to scream that I've had enough of taking care of others.

I'm not doing this as trying to say that my problems are worse. I'm telling these stories so you can know that I understand.

Can you gently tell your father that you don't have the solutions to his marriage?

Instead of eating your step moms execrable cooking, can you just get some fresh fruit and veggies?
Can you tell your step mom that you need certain things in your diet then cook the foods you want and need.
Are you willing to cook meals at unusual times?

Can you accept that what your father and stepmother are doing is not about you, that it is about their own limitations and their own selfishness?

Can you turn your bedroom into your refuge instead of your prison?

Might you see your lack of energy and your change in self hatred as a turning point in your life?

Do you know that your name means gift from God?

You want some one older and wiser to help. I'm not much older and most of my friends laugh at the idea of me being wise. Even with all that, would you like to be my baby brother?

There are some questions for you. I don't know if they are the right ones but I hope they give you something to think about.

*gives you a big cuddle*

[pea soup]

*huge huge hugest snuggles!!!!!*
missed you so much around here Matt.

im not really sure how to help. but i think you may have come to the point that hospital is the only way.

youve tried meds and therapy (i think?).

and if youre not improving but in fact, getting worse....then hospital it is.

scary thought, yes. but maybe for the best.

and lets clear up something.
you ARE NOT a crappy member!!!!!
you have helped SO many people around here.
there were times when you would reply to my posts and i would get my feelings hurt or get angry....but after really thinking about it and picking my silly feelings off the floor...i realized you were right!!!!! you were helping me and i didnt even have the sense to know it. but i do now. i miss you sweetie.

much much love.
*more snuggles*
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[Casper_Fading]

Colin, get f*cked and leave my boy alone!

Matthew, fear is natural. NORMAL! Being scared and afraid and anxious okay too. You are wonderful and you have ALWAYS been enough. You have done a lot for me even if it's just leaving me a little offline message on msn saying it's going to be okay. YOu made me SMILE! Hard to do right now. I have no words of wisdom. Why would it be so hard to be in funded housing or council stuff? I know it's different in UK but don't know why. I think if you were somewhere that you could slowly work on coming out of your shell again it would be great. Somewhere you could start to cook again! You told me you loved to cook. Maybe you could sneak down in the middle of the night and cook? I don't know! But please honey. Don't leave us. If you need to be admitted then be admitted. It's not a weakness to admit you need help, it's a strength. I'm proud of you for psoting. *hugs you tight* Love you loads penguin boy!

Jess

[Queen Crabbit]

God, I didn't even see this thread, sorry.

I'm not older, and I'm not wiser in a lot of respects, but I am here to hold your hand and help you through. If not to lead you, then to give you a friendly shove/kick up the ass when you need it.

As for you going to your Mums, well, you know what I think - try it for a couple of days or something, and then see how you feel. You do have somewhere else to go and you're always welcome there too.

Lots of love.
xxx

[~*forever_broken*~]

*hugs Matthew tightly*
I've missed my Matthew-Pengy

I am sorry hun, I have nothing for you atm. As far as suicidal ideation I am right there with you.

But please don't give up Matthew, please...

Much much MUCH love

Alyssa

See? Told you I didn't have anything :-(
*wanders back to the virtual psych ward where she belongs*

[Queen Crabbit]

Cuddle xxx

[flying rain]

Hi.
I've always had Colin too, and it was the same thing. Just enough hatred to make life miserable but not enough to push you towards anything. I know this sounds insane but that's a good thing. Sure, hatred of yourself may not get you anywhere....but you don't want to get anywhere going down that road. There is nothing good that can come of it. Apathy in that regard is not a sign of weakness, it's a sign of strength. You're still here. You're still holding on. And we love you.

I'm not the older, wiser person you're after--but I am here to talk if you need. Please take care.

[Margo]

Thank you for the replies. They were kind. The hugs too.

The more i think about it the more i realise that i dont belong at RYL anymore. The more out of place i feel. The less i can relate.

I made this post out of sheer desperation. I really have no where else to turn to when i need to get stuff out. However, its just not right.

Out of sight, out of mind. hehe

Thanks

Matthew xxx

[bleedingdragon]

My Ninja Penguin Friend,
I hear you about thinking you dont belong at ryl,
many of us feel that way at times, your not alone on that one. It doesnt matter if you feel out of place , please dont let that stop you using ryl. Its here for you just as much as anyone else here to be used in any way you want.

Please use it in whatever way helps you matthew if you just need it to rant and express yourself and hide then please do, we all come to ryl for many reasons and we all use ryl in the best way thats going to help us.

Right now you say RYL its the only place you can turn to, my friend be gentle with yourself and dont shut the door on this place, no matter how distant you may feel or out of place, ryl will allways be here for you ,and so will those people that care about you be here for you.

Im really pleased you did make the last post even tho you were very desperate, well done for doing that.

I understand some of what your going through and i struggle to be here to, but im holding on to what i can , please try and do the same. No one will pressure you matthew to be here, but please try and let yourself return .

Please dont say "out of sight out of mind " , you may not be around ryl as much as you want to be but your never out of my thoughts my friend,
or im sure out of a great many other peoples thoughts. We
wont forget you mate, we will be here when you return, no one will ever shut the door to you, its allways open , remember that matthew.

More Hugs

Dave

[blondiebear]

I'm sorry that you feel you don't belong. I will miss you.

[Casper_Fading]

Matthew dear can you try something for me? Can you e-mail me... I know you feel out of place here (everyone does at some point) but the people here care. Can you e-mail me or pm me or something every now and then just to let me know how you're going? Cause I love you lots mister! And so do many other people here. If someone could update on you for them it would make so many of us easier in our minds. *hugs you tight*

[PropheticStar]

Out of sight, out of mind. hehe



There are some minds you are never ever out of.

[pea soup]

^^^^agrees with erin.
*squishes*

[Merc]

to be totally honest?? The hardest thing of all....
learn to like yourelf.
And yes i KNOW how impossible that seems. Everything seems to be going 'so good' with me doesnt it? BUT IT ISNT .
but this isnt about me
learn to love yourself..or at least come to a truce..that is all when all is said and and done
romp

[Casper_Fading]

He left me a message on msn saying "honestly i'm really okay" so I doubt he is but I know he's alive at least!

[Abintra]

dude i dont really know much about you but i little elf told me that you were one of the nicest people that one could hope to meet.

that part about how do you lose the fear, or find the hatred again stuck in my head abit. the way i see it is isnt fear at all infact it is the reverse thats courage my good penguin, something inside is telling you there is something out there for you, dude just keep looking, people say its a small world how do you size up something that has no end?
mothers can be well mothers but give it time dude she will talk to you and let you in to her life , just after me and anita broke up i was given a heap of anti-depresants and sleeping pills and took them all and had a few drinks next thing i know im laying in a hospital bed with my mum standing over me she wouldn't leave my sight untill she saw my eyes open up. but just after that she wouldn't talk to me and for a good few months this went on. then i call her up and she told me why . her seeing me laying there made her realise that she may not have one of her children out live her.. now as a parent that is the scaryest thought you could ever carry .
now i don't know your mum could be going though something like that hence why she finds it hard to talk to her, so hey be strong fight it and try to see the furture of how you want it to be, write it down draw a picture see it in front of you and look at it every day untill it is no longer just on paper.. dude the world is yours all you have to do is open your eyes to that and it will be smooth sailing
anyways bud i hope that made sense and most of all i hoped it helped i'll pm you with my email add if you want to talk sometime my door is always open

[pea soup]

thanks for letting us know Jess.xx

*more squishes for our pengy friend*
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[~*forever_broken*~]

Oh Matthew, I am so sorry you you feel you don't belong. I am not sure why you feel this way but I believe you do belong here. You are a valued part of our community and we all love you dearly.

Please take care lovely Pengy.

Much love and many hugs dear heart.

Alyssa

[Queen Crabbit]

Matthew, you leave and I'll come sit on you and do a propper belly rumbing fart.

Oh, such a lady, ain't I?

You know where I am darling, and I will always be there. & I'm not going to let you do anything stupid.

Much love and many cuddles.
x

[PropheticStar]

You mean the world to me. I hope you realise that.

Please look after yourself.

[ominus]

And thats kinda how my hate has become. I can no longer raise it to cut myself to the deep. Or take weeks worth of pills in a couple of swallows.

I want it to take me to hospital. I want it to do that at least. Then at least i have somewhere to go. Then maybe i wont feel such a **** up. On the journey there perhaps there could be a compliction and that would lead me to die?


God if only i had the strength to do it. Im not even scared of the pain anymore. Ive taught myself to withstand more pain than i ever could before. But i just cant do it. I wish i knew why.



I've never posted in this part of the board before... just wanted to say, I know you feel (with the part I quoted.) Sorry I can't be of more help, but know you're in my thoughts.