I'm back, I guess

[flying rain]

I was gone for awhile. I guess I was kind of scared to post on here, not entirely sure why.

But I need to say somethings. I'm at a horribly low point in my life now. I'm doing horrible in college (GPA below 3.0) I don't have many friends at college, I hate the dorms, etc. I've been trying for the past two months to get individual therapy. The school offers it for free here, but we have a waiting list and the people at the scheduling office say I'm next and I should have a therapist by the 1st of April. I hope they're telling the truth.

I've started self harming again. Nothing deep, nothing dangerous, nothing physically dangerous. It's just a habit. An addiction. A bad coping mechanism. I'm not worried.

Can't sleep anymore. I was up till almost 7 am last night, and 4 am the night before. Every time I eat, I feel like I'm going to throw up afterwards. Classic signs of depression relapsing. Also, that sinking feeling that orders me to lay down and listen to music and zone out for hours and try to forget I'm alive.

They say that depression is different for everyone. Some people get suicidal, others (like me) don't have the motivation for that even. I don't want to die, I just don't want to live anymore. And even if I really wanted to die, I'm too much of a ****ing coward to do anything.

I used to always believe life would get better and I don't anymore. I don't believe I'll ever get better. I don't believe I want to go on fighting a part of who I am--the only part of me I trust. The only part of me that hasn't disappeared.

Who will love me now? I tossed aside the best person I'll ever get. ****, I didn't even deserve him. It's not even worth searching for. He'll find somebody better and be happy. I wish he would stop caring about me. It will be better when he moves on. I'll be sad, but I'm always sad. It doesn't matter anymore. He'll be better without me. Everyone would.

I have two finals tomorrow and then I go home for spring break. I haven't studied much for either of them. I get distracted and I get depressed and my mind ventures from what I'm trying to review.

I hate here and I hate home. My friend is gone to another state for break so I won't see her. I'm going to hate break, but hopefully it will be better than school. I don't know. I just want to be able to sleep, and eat a decent meal without feeling sick.

Why am I even trying to get better? I'm never going to.

[chocostashchick]

it's always worth trying to get better, because it's all up to you, no matter how hopeless and inevitable the illness makes it all seem, and if you try and believe and have hope, anything is possible and you can get better
i'm sorry you have been so low and that school is so stressful right now
spring break is coming up though!
good luck with the therapist and let us know how it goes
keep posting!
xxxooo
callie

[blondiebear]

I've been that depressed too, I spent a lot of time that way last summer. I even went off food and I am not a person who does that. I went to bed and curled up and wasn't sleeping well either.

Unless you are going to grad school, your GPA does not matter. Just finishing with passing grades is enough. Finishing university shows that you can stick to something until it is done and that you know how to learn. Your GPA doesn't have to be on your resume or anything like that.

Get through your final exams. Even if you feel unprepared, if you show up you can answer the questions you do know and try to fake the ones you can't.

Your professors should be helpful too. Mine were when I went through the semester from hell. I lived with my parents, the house was being remodeled, including a new roof and the ceilings fell in because of an unexpected storm. In one final exam, I went to turn in a part of it blank, a graph. Because I'm open about what had happened and did my best, didn't miss classes etc, the teacher guided me through the graph. I know it is a long story but it shows that professors do care.

So do what you can. April 1 is only two weeks away.

Eat mild foods, like the brat diet, bananas, rice, applesauce and toast. Make sure you are hydrated.

We love you. We'll take care of you. You're being taken care of by people around the world.

*gives you a cherishing hug*

[pea soup]

welcome back!!!
*snuggles you*
im lost for words.
but im wishing you the best.
much much love.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[Heartstoppedbeating]

Flying Rain,

I can relate to you in so many ways. I was going to kill myself last week but didn't and you lnow why? Because I didn't want to risk surviving. I am 21 and have been suicidal for 8 years and self-harmed for the last 5 on and off and like you, I never think I'm going ot get better. start taking meds but then stop after a couple of weeks because I actually worry that 'if' I get better I will have no personality left. Sometime I feel that without my depression, I don't know if I have anything left.

I'm not eating or sleeping very well nd barely have the energy to talk but I make sure I laugh all the time so people don't guess. Even my partner who I live with doesn't know how bad I am. My ex used to understand me - I never even had to open my mouth and he would know what I was going through and I pushed him away. The love of my life and I pushed himaway and hate myself for it to this day.

I experienced a really bad time during college and ended up being asked to leave because I was never attending. All my friends left because they couldn't bear to watch me self-destruct. I failed college and it was my biggest regret but I can understand where you're coming from. I would pick up my pen to write and sit there paralyzed for 20 minutes and I just could do anything about it.

Basically, what I'm trying to say that although you feel alone (and you will do no matter what anyone says) I've been through similar things by the sound of it and I can relate so please doin't think that no one understands. I'm always here.

Toni
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