not coping

[airwolf282]

I'm just not coping at the moment.

I'm out of work at the moment and the funds are running out. I'm worried about how we are going to survive. I've put in the forms to centerlink (social security) but I'm so anxious because I'm doubtful about if I'm going to qualify for support. My wife works a casual job and doesn't earn very much. I'm so worried that if I don't get assistance we are not going to be able to survive. I have access to counselling but all the counselling in the world can't help someone from starving or becoming homeless. The fact that I have visible scars doesn't help the employment situation either. Employers are definately turned off by seeing scars in someone's arm. They make judgements probably more than the average person. I have lost the interest to live in such a judgemental society.

My friend became homeless and killed herself a few weeks ago. It's me whose to blame because she kept telling me how she was going to do it but I didn't realise that she was desperately crying for help. In the end I couldn't take any more of her suicidal threats. So we had a fight and I never spoke to her again. Some 36 hours after she lost her life. I could have done more but I failed. I had called ambulances for her before but this time I thought it was just another threat. It's all my fault, it should be me that is dead. As far as I'm concerned I killed her.

I'm thinking that I may have to do the same thing as there will be no other alternative. We don't have much of a support network here and no very few people as we are relatively new to this town. I would rather choose the way I die rather than starvation or hypothermia from becoming homeless. The way I see it there is going to be no other option.

I'm also failing to keep myself from self injury. Yesterday I took a blade hidden in my phone case and cut myself. It wasn't in a dangerous spot or anything but I kept swiping the blade over the cut. The more I did it, the less it hurt. I patched it up but it's going to leave another permanent scar. Last week I went to this group for self esteem and there was this girl, about 18 or so and she kept staring and my arm. I usually cover up but this particular day had been quite hot. I just hate the sort of judgement that people make. People staring and thinking wow "wow what a freak".

Is there any point at all continuing a life where I'm always going to be judged? I really want to stop cutting but at the same time I don't know any other way. I'm scared to that if I stop cutting I won't have any other way of releasing pain and I may end up doing something worse. Nobody understands. Not doctors, not counsellors, not psychiatrists and not my wife. I have got a counsellor but it's through the public mental health system so I seldom get to see her. I simply can't afford a more available and more reliable private counsellor.

The only people who I know that understand are all on this website. I just had nowhere else to turn, I'm really deperate for help but it just seems too far out of my reach.

:blue: Nathan

[effervescence]

Nathan, what would happen to your wife if you killed yourself?

[airwolf282]

You know I do keep asking myself that question. It may be the only reason I'm still here. On the other hand it would take away a lot of the burden of having me around which may be just what she needs. She could move on and be with someone better. Someone not so ****ed up. Someone who doesn't have scars from their own self inflicted injuries. Someone who is NORMAL. That would be a hell of a lot better life for her. I don't know. It could be the biggest favour I could do for her.

:-( :notsure:

[airwolf282]

I just went into chat for the first time. I'm feeling a little better for it. There are some really wonderful people there. I still feel really bad but it has kind of taken the edge off it.

[chocostashchick]

hey Nathan hun
i am glad you feel a bit better
sweetie your wife chose to marry you. i am assuming that she had actually met you once or twice before you guys tied the knot and that she knew you, too. she knew who you were, she still knows you, and she still chooses to be your wife. let her be the one to make that decision. she has chosen to be with you and clearly loves you, Nathan, the whole package that you are. give her some credit hun and respect her decision! she obviously doesn't think she is better off without you and who are you to question her decision?
centerlink is a good move! that should help. what about temping? have you looked into that at all? as for the scars turning away employers, can you wear long sleeves? even in summer you could wear those big light long-sleeved cotton or linen shirts.
maybe you guys could look into moving somewhere bigger where there are more jobs? i think i remember you saying that you live in a small area.
i know your wife cant ever understand SI completely, nobody can unless they have gone through it, but if you talk to her and give her a chance she could accept it and accept you and sympathise and be there for you. talk to her and let her be there for you, Nathan. and don't give up on therapy. i know your public mental health system counsellor is busy and that you can't see her often, but keep going and maybe see if you can make tons of appts in advance so that you can see her more regularly?
you have so much that is worth fighting for, you and your wife and everything, so dont give up!
as for your friend who recently passed away, that was not your fault. you cant save somebody who doesnt want to be saved and it sounds like you hung in with her long enough for her to be saved if she had wanted it. you can't hold yourself responsible for other people. she died of an illness, depression being an illness like cancer, and she died of depression and nobody is to blame for that. she was an adult and she was responsible for herself and not your or anybody else.
Nathan i am sorry that you are going through so much all at once. hang in there and keep us updated.
xxxooo
callie