I'm a failure.

[Casper_Fading]

I've let myself downa nd evryone who ever looked up to me. I'ma failure. Yesteday I bought blades. I bought them and knew what i was goin to do. I cut. Nowhere dangeros like normal but on the fleshy bit just undernarth my elbow. And then had to get the stupid thing checked cause allt he fatty stuff was popping out. It wasn't very deep but it was 7 cm long and bout an ich wide. Nothing terrible. He was going to stitch it but he decided to steri strip and glue it insetead., but then he decided to jut put loads of steristrips and no glue. SO now i have 1 steristrips instead of 9 stitches.. thank god. i hate stithc marks. but i'm so angry atmyslef. i dont'htink it's a slip up if planned it. what am i spose to do. stupid head. so mad at myself. wonderign now if it's worth stopping or just doing ti properly now. i don't know. i'm soryr eveyrone. i let eveyroen downa dn myself. I hate myself for this. i'm suchs a failure.

[airwolf282]

Alive......


I don't believe that you are a failure at all. Nearly everyone slips up from time to time. I know you don't think it's a slip up but it sounds like you had gone for some time without SI and that in itself is an achievement. Also you say the cut was nowhere dangerous like normal. That tells me that you managed to avoid causing serious or life threatening injury. Don't be so hard on yourself and look at it as another opportunity to get past this. I believe you have the strength to beat it.

Keep posting

Nathan

[Pomegranate]

You are NOT a failure Alive (sorry I don't know your name!). It is still a slip up even if it was planned. See it as that and nothing more. Slip ups are a natural, if not nice part of recovery. It doesn't mean a relapse or the end of your journey. You should re read your signature- 'beginning of the rest of my life'. This does not have to mean the end of that *hugs* x

[chocostashchick]

Jess you havent let anybody down, dont worry about that you are not a failure, i am just sorry that you let yourself down and that you feel so disappointed

it was a slip-up though, a bump on the road to recovery
it doesnt matter that it was kind of "planned"
you had urges that you were fighting and you gave in to one, that doesn't mean that you failed and planned this all along
recovering from SI is really hard and you cant just quit cold-turkey. if it was that easy there would be therapists going out of business!
don't give up now! you have come so far and this does not undo all the good steps and all the fighting and staying safe that you have already done. you have clearly come so far just from the fact that you regret this, and that you were strong enough to do it in a non-life-threatening location. you seem to feel really bad about this, so i hope that you can stay safe now. think about it hun, did any good come from it? do you feel better? from your post you just feel bad, so it is "worth stopping" as you said.
i think you are really struggling with the implications of the surgery and it is making you anxious. could you call your doc and talk about this? maybe you should see him asap. have you talked to your partner, too? that might help.
stay strong, Jess
this was just a slip-up, nothing more and it doesnt ruin all your good work
xxxooo

[Casper_Fading]

I lied to everyone and told them i'd cut it on a piece of metal on a shelf when i cut corners when i walked (i do it all the time so it was a plausible excuse). I'm having lunch with my grandmother today and she'll notice and mayeb wont beleive me. She's heard all my excuses over the years so i don't know... I promised soph (all that i'm living fro) that i'd stay alive. Which right nwo means not cutting again. My doc is booked out, i'm being squeezed in on tuesday. It's cause it's been a short week this week and another short week next week. I'll tell him then that i'm strugglng. I'm going to see a movie on sunday night and i'm going to stay in tonight. and tomorrow night and watch dvd's. *hugs everyone* thanks guys, means lots that you sitll have faith in me even thogh i feel like i let eveyone down and not just myself. i guess the whole surgery thing is like... that's it. no going back after this EVEN though i want it. it was my decision no one elses. and even though i'm craving si right now....i don't want it. I don't wantto go back there. Gah. I'm going out now before i drive myself bonkers! *hugs* thanks gain!

Jess

[Jetforce]

Jess...don't let one slip up ruin everything. Everybody slips at some point. Try and forgot about it and focus on more positive things like ur surgery which would wipe ur clean slate

Take care there
xx

[All I'm Living For]

you havent let me down. you never will. in my eyes you're still the wonderful big sister you always have been. you just need a bit of help now. and i'll do everything i can to help. you know i will. i know you can get through this though.its just another 4 weeks (from yesterday). its going to be a strugle at times but i know you will get through this.
btw YOU ARE NOT A FAILURE!!! do i have to call you and yell it down thte phone?i will if thats what it'l take to convince you!
you just try your best to take care ok? if you cant thats ok but you have to stay alive! a long time ago you said if i died then when you found out you would either end up in hospital or dead yourself. well you know what will happen to me if you die.
you call or txt if you need me ok?
i love you *huggles lots*

love,
your little sis
xoxoxo

[blondiebear]

I don't know if RYL has any kind of opinion or policy about quotes, but here is something I like very much. When I read it for the first time last year, I thought of us here.

In 1958 Bill Wilson said something about messing up. He meant it for alcoholics (he was a founder of AA) but I think it applies to SI too.

"About this slip business--I would not be too discouraged. I think you are suffering a great deal from a needless guilt...God is not asking us to be successful. He is only asking us to try to be. That, you surely are doing and have been doing..."
This quote has made it possible for me to continue without beating myself up so much when I've SId again too.

If you were a failure, you'd be reaching for the blade again instead of reaching out for help here.

[chocostashchick]

Jess please believe me and everybody else who has posted here
you have not let other people down and you are not a failure and you are still an inspiration!!! trust me you are!!! this was a bump in the road of recovery but you are still on that road and still moving forward. this surgery thing has just become this huge signal to you, The End of Cutting Forever and Ever, and i think that it scares you not having that option anymore and stuff. it really isnt like that though. ever since you started recovering, while you were booking the surgery and before that and now and after the surgery too, you are in control of yourself and every second is a second that you could cut and are choosing not to. that choice is always there, and you have been saying no and you know you dont need it anymore, and surgery or no surgery that is still true.
xxxooo

[pea soup]

*endless snuggles*
you are NOT a failure Jess.
im lost for words right now.
please know that im rooting for you and keeping you in my thoughts.
much much love.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[Casper_Fading]

*has tears* you guys are wonderful! Thank you all so much. I'm feeling much better today. I went and saw Horton Meets a Who yesterday at the movies and out of the blue my fiance asked if i'd like to go for a walk down at the wharf.. feeling more grounded right now... slight pause there my cat is AGAIN trying to climb into my glass of milk! Thank you all. And I hope you know that YOU are the real inspiration!

[chocostashchick]

haha silly kitty
today my kitty stole my baked potato..... kitties are weird
was Horton Sees a Who good?? i'm jealous i really want to see that! haha
anyway i'm so glad that you feel better and are more grounded today. grounded is a very good thing!
*feels like a hippie for a moment* let's all inspire eachother!! *moment over*

[Casper_Fading]

Horton sees a Who was great!

I'm not struggling a whole lot and wondering why it's so hard to make this final step. Why is it so hard not to cut? Why is it so hard to smile. Why is it so hard not to cry :'( Watching dvd's to keep myself distracted... it's NOT WORKING!!!!! *cries* I CAN'T DO THIS!

[newanda]

you CAN do this! steping into the unknown and leaving behind what you know is scary, but when it's something you want and something that will make your life better, it's totally worth it. It's like getting a new job. The new job is scary because you don't know what to expect, but you'll be making more money and you get better benefits so it's really worth it. The first few day of the new job you might want to go back to the familiarity of your old job, but if you stick with it, it's really better. The cutting and everything that comes with it is like your old job, but you CAN trade it in for a new and better one! Good luck :)
Megan

[All I'm Living For]

Jessica YOU CAN DO THIS!!! you can!! i know you're scared and its completey understandable! i think most people would be in your position! take a deep breath and remember why you're doing this. you can do this and i know you will. i have faith in you and so do so many other people. we'll help you stand when you cant. we'l be your shoulder to cry on. let yourself cry. it can be good for you. just let it out love *cuddles*
remember i'm only one call or text away. i will always be here for you no matter what. you're my big sister and i love you *squishes*

love,
soph
xoxoxo