my mind is gone

[newanda]

sorry.. this is probably going to be long and boring, but just felt like getting it out.

i was sooooooo happy. i FINALLY made not one, but two new friends. i have compleatly isolated myself from all my friends, mostly because i just don't like them, and now i finally have people i like that i can spend time with. i have been wondering for awhile about how to make friends and i finally did it. i was so happy, and i guess i still am...

so when i was in the shower a couple days ago and was thinking about these two new friends and how happy i was to have them. then all of the sudden i had this thought: "i am so happy, i can't wait to hang out with them again, this is so cool, i'm going to cut when i get out". it seemed like a compleatly rational thought, kinda like "ohh, i need to remember to get milk from the store while i'm out". then i finally realized what i was saying and thought wait a minute, that's crazy.

now i'm so confused. i felt so good, and still do, yet these thoughts of cutting keep creeping into my mind and won't leave. i have always thought that one day things would be better and i would be happy, and when i was happy i wouldn't want to si anymore. but now i think i might have been wrong. now i think this is going to be with me forever. i have already given in once, yesterday. i was 6 weeks si free and gave in. now i'm fighting it again tonight, and i don't understand why. i guess there really is no point in fighting something that isn't ever going to change.

i don't understand how i can be so happy and so low at the same time. i don't know if i should cry or ... ahhhhhh!!! i can't even think now... i am so frustraited. i guess now i just realize how much a part of me the SI is. maybe i'll just go to bed early and hope it all goes away in the morning,
i just looooove denial.

[blondiebear]

Self Injuring is an addiction. It produces chemicals in the brain that makes us feel better.
I'm a recovering alcoholic. When I have urges to SI, i may have urges to drink too. When I do SI, i know my recovery from alcoholism is being threatened.

I've heard that Denial =
Don't Even kNow I Am Lying

Going to bed early is good. I do it a lot myself. It is okay to go where you will be safe.

Be good.

[chocostashchick]

*squishes Megan*
Susan and Rowie are right, SI urges can come on if we are happy or sad or whatever because our brains are almost addicted to it
you have come REALLY REALLY far though if you were able to stop and say "hey, that's a crazy thought that doesn't make sense at all!"
that's a wicked good sign
you are doing so well sweetie, making new friends and being social and making it 6 weeks free
one slip-up doesnt ruin that at all because nobody can make the decision to recover and just quit cold turkey. if they could psychologists would be going out of business!
keep fighting and maybe talk to your doc about it?
xxxooo

[newanda]

it is so scary knowing what i can do even when i'm feeling happy. it's just another reason not to trust myself and live in fear of myself and what i'll do next. i am just ready for all this to be over and go away. I just want to have a normal, happy life without the fear and without the cutting.

instead i haven't had a day off in ages and i'm tired of work. I could take a day off, but if i get called for jury duty i don't get paid at work, so that means that i need to work all i can now just in case i do get called. That way i can still make all my bills. ARHHH...i'm tired of all this! and i really hope that today at work isn't like yesterday, if it is i don't think i'll be able to handle it. i wish i got paid vacation time. I've been there a year now, you'd think they'd let me off and pay me for a couple of days just so i don't crack up. Then i could work there for another year and hopefully continue to be productive, but nooooo.

Thanks everyone for taking time. I'm glad to hear that i'm not the only one who gets these thoughts when i'm happy. And callie, putting all the psychologists out of business, that made me laugh :) it's sooooo true. I never thougt of it like that. LOL! I am going to bring it up with my therapist, but i don't see her for another 5 days :(

Oops, i just read that, and i mean i'll talk to her about the cutting part, not the putting her out of business part, that would be really bad!

[chocostashchick]

OH MY GOSH
i just looked at your profile and YOU LOVE M*A*S*H TOO!!!!!!
ahhhhh so exciting i dont know anybody our age who loves that show haha lol

anywho
maybe you can call your psych and move up the appt? or talk to her for a bit on the phone about the urges?
5 days is a short time - just take it one hour, one day at a time and make sure you are busy. i guess the good part about working so much is that you are busy at least? lol
anyway, about Jury Duty, i think if you are going to lose wages dont you have to be paid? doesnt the court pay you, or you boss have to pay you? when i went i was only working ad litem but i had to fill out a form about my employer and stuff. i think you get paid something at least - you can call and ask for details at the court i am sure.
take care Meg and if those 5 days become endless just rant away on here and we will distract you :)