long term major depression - anyone else?

[Stellata]

Although I'm diagnosed as having Recurrent Depression, I've been depressed in various degrees of severity since childhood.

I read today on the NHS Prodigy site that, technically, I have Chronic Depression [this is different from Dysthymia] - ie. long term major depression, existing more than 2 years. ha, more like 20 years! +

Anyway, I'm wondering if there's anyone else here who's had depression for this kind of length of time. I'd love to feel less alone with this.

Just now I'm in a rather severe depression phase, and am really accepting that living with depression is, for me, the way it'll be most likely. Living with and around depression, rather than making a complete recovery seems to be the way forward for me. Therapy and meds can ease the worst of it, and ensure the impact on my life is less disabling.

But. Ugh. I know I don't post in here often, being so busy elsewhere on RYL with supporting and eZine stuff, but please can I have a hug?
And, any fellow long term depression folks perhaps we can commiserate here!

[chocostashchick]

i really dont know what name people would give what i have, what i would be diagnosed with, as i have never gotten far enough in therapy to receive a diagnosis
what i do know is that i have felt like there is something wrong inside of me for a very long time, since i was 12 at least, and that from that time on i would say that i have been depressed. major, minor, dysthymia, cyclothymia, who knows, but it's some kind of depression and it doesn't go away, and like you i have come to doubt that it ever will.

for a while i wondered if i was bipolar maybe, but looking back on those 11 years, i can't find a time that i would say i was happy or normal, let alone manic!

so anyway i don't know what on earth is wrong with me but you definitely aren't alone in struggling with this for years on end.

*hugs you Miss Katie*

[Mouse81]

I think I can relate. I was in denial for a REALLY long time. When I got on Accutane (acne meds that make you crazy) and started having side effects, I realized that this has been going on forever. I feel worse than ever right now but I'm trying to get help hoping it will at least get a bit better. But I am with you, it varies to different degrees of depression all the time.

[Bleeding Angel]

ive had dysthmia for more than five years, i can only say then because thats when i realised, but bsically ive had it since i was little.

So i know how hard it is, and myabe im in the same boat, i cant recover so i have to live with it and around it, esp with the bpd.

[Zephyr]

I've been diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder and I've been dealing with it for most of my life (since I was a child). I'm sorry you're going through patch right now. It's never easy, even if you're used to it. Big hugs and if you ever want to talk, feel free to PM me!

[blondiebear]

I believe i've had depression all of my life. When I was in the first year or two of grade school, I had a series of medical tests because i didn't have the energy to do my school work. My mother would often say I was lazy. I was in therapy from the time I was 11.

I got sober at 28 and a couple of weeks after I got sober, I walked into the clinic associated with our medical group and said that I felt bad and that there were meds to help and would they be appropriate for me? The doc prescribe an old fashioned tricyclic so I could get my sleep back to what it should be. Then my insurance refered me to a psychaitrist. Last year I got a new psychaitrist who changed my meds a lot.

I've accepted that I will have to be on meds all of my life. I think they are what makes it possible for me to get out of bed and then to do the things that are related to my recovery. And of course normal things too. I'd rather have them than not function.

When the meds were being changed over the summer I really couldn't function. My husband ended up doing all of the chores and that was not fair to him. But he did them and I picked them up again when I was able. I went to aa meetings and did the reading and work that my psych assigned me to do.

So to make a long story even longer...I've had depression all of my life. For fifteen years it was treated with just talk therapy. For thirteen years it's being treated with counseling and meds.
Hugs to everyone here.

[Collateral*Damage]

You are not alone in this. I'm pretty sure I've been depressed since I was 10. I never got help until I was in college and then it was only for family issues. I've been in and out of therapy quite a few times but it was always for something specific. I'm currently in therapy right now and finally decided to tell my therapist EVERYTHING and be totally honest. Because of that, I figured out that I don't really know what it's like to be happy, I am very rarely happy, and my idea of a normal mood would be pretty grim compared to most people's. I'm resigned to being on medication and in occasional therapy for the rest of my life. I wish I could be more optimistic about the long-term outcome for me but I just can't.

[pea soup]

hi Katie,

i am diagnosed with cyclothemia(among other things), but i believe i have been depressed for 14 years(since i was 17).
so you definitely arent alone.
i started harming at 11 years old......but didnt become majorly depressed until 17.
im sorry youre going through this rough spot.
i know that my depression eases at times....but it never truly goes away. its a daily battle.
much much love.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[Stellata]

Thanks everyone.

I wish I could find the words to reply to you each individually, but I don't know where the words are.
This morning I felt a little better for a while, and then the wave surged over me again, and I feel lost, empty and very alone. Even though the sun is shining into my room. I wish I could rest in the stillness of the sunlight and flood my mind with a peace that stayed.

When I was growing up, I learnt not to care about myself. I am trying so hard to care. I have waves intense self protection, and waves of seeming not to care at all. Blank. Numb. Past caring. Empty. Scared of disappearing into nothingness.

[Merc]

Katherine
someone as gentle and thoughtfulas you could NEVER slip into disappearing [did that make sense...havent had coffee yet lol]
I've been depressed over 25 years now, some say dsythmia, cyclothymia, definitely major depresive disorder and evven chronic depression...so saf to say i have depression ;o)
It is a game of learning to care [from yur background you have an even harder go of it *hugs*]
And i think too i weill ALWAYS be depressed...even after all my 'happy/good news posts' and feeling some happiness the depression is still looking over my shoulder, quite comfy there :o(
I wish i could be more encouraging to you
love ya katie-bean
romp

[Stellata]

Thank you romp.

I'm really so very not ok at the moment. It's hard. But I'll make it through.

[Merc]

well if i can help you make it thru in ANY way pls pls dont hesistate ok??
You are very dear to me
love ya
romp

[Stellata]

Thank you romp.

As I posted in a new thread in the Mental Health forum, I'm off sick from work this week. I have no energy and feel so sad. My heart aches. I feel so alone.

[Sian]

Hi,

I just wanted to say that you are not alone with this. I have chronic depression too, struggled with it since I was about 9. It's so hard to live with when it's at it's worst I know, far too easy to become hopeless. But like you said you can get through and I just wanted you to know you aren't alone with it. Anyway, if you ever want to talk, I know we don't know each other yet but you can PM me if you want to.

Sian
xxx

[chocostashchick]

miss Katie you are NOT ALONE
i am sorry you are off sick this week, but please know that you are not alone and we are all here behind you, having been there ourselves or are being there right now
how are you feeling today?
xxxooo

[Stellata]

Thank you.

It hurts so much. I just had one of the hardest therapy sessions ever and I feel so vulnerable and ashamed.

[Casper_Fading]

Never feel ashamed. Not ever. *hugs*Always remember that stuff may bring you down or you may have had things get on top of you BUT never be ashamed of your past or your present. *hugs*

I've been depressed since I was little. I thought it was since it was about 10 but when my doctor found out how i was when i was little he put it back to about age 6 (fun for me). Turns out that being quiet but crying all the time wasn't normal and is a good indication that things aren't right.... My doctor said that it is highly possibly that i'll be on meds for the rest of my life to keep me on a level as I tend to drop really badly if anything goes better. I've gotten better at handling that drop but it wears on a person! So yeah.... You're definitely not alone!!!!!!!!