Please, I need a push

[~*forever_broken*~]

I know I shouldn't be asking y'all to make my decision for me... but I need a push.
I have taken two ODs in the past two weeks... And I need to tell my counselor... at least, I think I do.
I try and be honest with him. But I am only honest up to a point. If he asks me something directly I am very honest. But if he doesn't ask I don't tell. Thats why he doesn't know about these last two. He doesn't know to ask (how would he? I've only told him about one) and so he doesn't and I don't tell him. Even when he asks if there is anything I think is important to talk about I don't say it... I sit there and think 'I should tell him, I should' but I don't because I don't want it to be made into a fuss. I REALLY don't want to tell him about these last two because they are so close together... I don't want him to read anything into that. Of course the fact that I am worried about him reading something into it probably means there is something to be read into it that I don't want to think about... :cryinng: damnit why do I do this?! I cross lines! I cross lines that are better left uncrossed because once crossed they are much easier to cross again... and beyond those lines are other lines, lines that usually stand in the way of worse things, like deeper cuts, cuts in more dangerous places, larger overdoses... :crying:

I'm sorry. Lately I just get on and cry about my problems and am absolutly no help to anyone. I'm sorry.

[chocostashchick]

hey honey
you are right - you do need to tell him
if you have trouble telling him about it directly, could you maybe find a way to refer to it that would force him to ask you a question? that might open up the floor for you and give you a way to tell him
or could you just say "hey there is something that i want to tell you but i can't get it out" and then he could guide you through it?
be strong - you will feel better letting it out
it feels so much better being honest about these things
you can do it honey
xxxooo

[chocostashchick]

okay how do you fit all that writing in your sig? mine won't let me put ANYTHING more in mine and yours has way more letters! no fair :-p

[dark_light]

Hey,
I also think you should tell him, i've been in a similar situation and although its hard to talk about these things once people know everything they are in a better position to help you.
Taking ods is horrible, if talking about it could help take you away from that place then it has to be worth a try. Hope you can find the strength to be honest, could you write it down if its hard to say? I've done that before when i knew i wouldn't be able to say something.

[blondiebear]

Sweetie,
You know the answer, you're just asking us to help you do what you need to do. Can you e-mail your counselor ahead of time like you did last time? That way you know you'll have to talk about it?
Love, Susan

[chocostashchick]

^^^^
excellent idea susan had!

ps you changed your name and it is confusing but i will just have to adjust :-P is it a therapeutic new beginning?

[~*forever_broken*~]

Thanks gals.
Yes, Wise RYL Mother Susan :-) As a matter of fact you read my mind. I emailed my counselor yesterday and asked him to please ask me about something I needed to tell him but didn't want to... And now I am SO regreting it. I don't want a fuss made. 10 days, 10 days seperated the most recent two overdoses. Is there something to be read into that..? Maybe... probably. Will I do it again..? More than likely. Soon..? Who knows. But I don't want a fuss made... I don't know what I want, I don't know anything right now except that I don't want a fuss made... :crying:

Thanks for the push.

Ah, and sorry about the confusion Callie... No, I wouldn't call the name change 'theraputic' nor would I call it a 'new begining'... however, for some reason it was very important to me... perhaps because that's how I feel... forever lost...

[chocostashchick]

well then i think the name change is therapeutic - it's sort of what you needed to get out right now so i hope it helped
despite confusing me :-P

way to go emailing him! that was a good move - sometimes the things that we dread and hate doing and talking about are the most important ones to do

about the ods and if a fuss will be made and all that, i really dont know so all i will say is that in my experience when something happens like that, when a fuss is made that we dread, the anxiety is usually way worse than the actual fuss itself. so try and relax, no matter what happens it will be okay and it will probably even be what you need.

luv ya Miss RYL Twin Girly

[~*forever_broken*~]

Alright Callie, have it your way ;-) it certainly was important to me for some reason...

*sigh* counseling session tomorrow morning... And I don't want to go :-( I don't want to talk about my overdoses or anything else... I know I'm being silly but that's the way it is...

[chocostashchick]

did i mention that your new name is too long for me to update in my sig?
hahahaha

therapy will be fine, but you NEED TO TALK ABOUT THAT
you need to be honest and talk about everything or else he cant help you
i am a broken record i know i know
but i care so i want you to get the best help possible

i think that when we dont want to do something or talk about something, it means that we need to do it and talk about it

[blondiebear]

I'm glad that you did e-mail your counselor. Be open, honest and willing.
Please let us know how it goes or how you are tomorrow?
*gives you a reassuring loving hug*

[~*forever_broken*~]

Lol yeah Callie you told me... Sad day.
Thanks gals, what a good RYL family I have
*tear*
I still don't want to tell him though. Especially since he'll probably ask if I had intended to die (he did last time)... And while I didn't (I was pretty sure I wouldn't) I also didn't care if I did. I even wrote a note just in case (didn't want to die without reminding everyone I love them) and said that, while it wasn't my intention to die I wouldn't care if I did. I don't want to have to tell him that :crying:

Ugh, I suck...

[blondiebear]

You Do Not Suck!
You're just hurting like the rest of us. You're just trying to find a way to stop hurting for a while.
I used to drive Ortega Highway hoping that something would happen. I still wonder about that cliff...
Please Dear, let us know how it goes. I don't expect specifics.
Love, Susan

[~*forever_broken*~]

OK, went to my session today. I was rather nervous. I wasn't sure what he was going to say when I told him that, while I hadn't intended to die I had the thought that it wouldn't bother me if I did. I wasn't sure how he would react to anything I had to say about it. Bless the man he handled it well. He did use the 'h' word a couple times but did at one point make sure to point out that he was not talking about right now. I am not sure he was totally happy when I told him I hadn't gone to the hospital or the health center after it... but I didn't want to have to deal with the fuss...

But it went well. At least, better than I had feared.

thanks all.

Alyssa

[chocostashchick]

*hugs*
that was brave of you good job
who knows what the future holds - dont worry about that just focus on right now and keep him updated so he knows what to do
xxxooo

[~*forever_broken*~]

:crying:
He (my counselor) just ruined it. I understand it but he just ruined it.:crying:
I am now in the middle of an email conversation about pain meds and wouldn't it be a good idea if I got rid of it and well maybe I could just keep a small amount...
My reply to the second (small amount) email... Having it is a security thing... And besides it's expensive and I just recently bought a new bottle.
And I've probably dug myself in more...
:crying:

[blondiebear]

Hey Sweetie,
You're not likely to surprise a counselor. He is probably doing his best for you.

I don't quite follow the stuff with the meds. I don't remember why you need them?
When I had pain meds I was accountable to my husband. I also let the doc know that I was an addictive personality. When I was able to drop to advil for the pain, I gave the stronger stuff to my hubby.
Do you really want to be able to OD? Might you let your roommate help you? Can she hide most of them and leave available to you one or two doses?

*stands lovingly and supportive at your shoulder as you continue to talk to your counselor*
*gives you a hug*

[~*forever_broken*~]

Thanks RYL mom Susan.
It's just tylenol, but I use it for cramps and the occasional headache... And yes, it took me by suprise when the thought entered my head but I don't want to throw them out because I'd stress out over not having the option to OD :pinch:
Sick, isn't it? *rueful smile*
My roommate doesn't know I've ever ODd and I aim to keep it that way.
Anyway, I'm not worried about it, I'm safe for the moment... And very glad I didn't tell him I don't quite see what the big deal is...

[chocostashchick]

aww i wrote back to you in virtual psych ward
that's normal about wanting to keep a stash
it's like how we get attached to our SI tools, like our blades, because they are a coping mechanism and they represent (false) comfort and the option to have it

anyway im not making sense now but read what i wrote in the virtual psych ward
and i love you
and here are some hugs
and i'll ttyl
xxxooo