Everything feels impossible

[Elmer]

Sorry to make a new thread when I've got one on this board already but this is semi-unrelated I think.

Basically, title. I've been having what I can only describe as existential anxiety - 'we're all slowly dying, all my friends are going to die, the climate crisis is going to mean the end of civilisation, ooh remember there's nuclear warfare too'. It comes in waves and makes life very difficult to navigate. On top of that, I just don't *want* anything. I don't want to do anything that used to bring me joy, I can't be bothered. Zero motivation. Exhausted. I don't know if it's meds or just me but I hate it - I'm turning into nothing. It's really not helping with my existing brain stuff either.

I guess I just wondered if anyone can relate/what you did to combat this? I'm letting people down because I'm not coping with my (minimal) obligations and I'd like to think I'm not being lazy but maybe I am? Maybe I'm just making excuses for my flaws? I don't know.

[Bellatrix]

YES

Completely. I periodically have moments where I just stare off into space and ponder the point of anything when we can see all these things that need doing and changing but no one will do it and they just ask each other things and give vague responses that don't answer anything at all. The destruction of humanity seems so devastatingly inevitable, I wonder if there's any point trying to engage with it at all.

BUT.

We have but one life, yes? We are here for our allotted time and we must take part in, and try to make better, the world we live in.

I find frequent breaks from news and social media helps curb the existential dread of feeling like you're looking down on the earth in despair and confusion while people just run around doing shitty things.

If this extends into other areas, and is affecting your ability to live your normal life, then is it possible you are experiencing a depressive episode? If so, it is better to get support now to prevent it becoming entrenched. <3

[nonperson]

I have no advice to give but want to say that I absolutely can relate to what you have written there - the existential dread, no joy, no motivation, wondering if it's just laziness that is the problem. It is a really sucky state to be in and I'm sorry you also feel the same way. I do think Bellatrix is right though (and maybe I should take this advice myself), that maybe it is a depressive episode? It is definitely not laziness, if it was I think you wouldn't care about it as much as you do.

[Elmer]

Thank you, both of you. It means a lot.

Frequent news breaks is something I try to do but I always get curious. I will try to be more strict with that I think. And yeah, I guess being lazy would probably be less stressful than whatever this is.

I have my depot on Tuesday and my friend is coming with me so I'll bring it up then - seeing the psych at the end of July but maybe they could talk to him in the meantime. People around me know that things aren't great but it might help to put it into words. Nothing to lose, right?

[Auror.]

we tend to refer to ourselves as being in a perpetual existential crisis lol so yes can relate

no good words but definitely can relate

[Cacoethes]

I get this too.
What gets me past it is the knowledge that i can do absolutely nothing about any of the things you mentioned (climate crisis, nuclear warfare etc.) So i may as well make the most of the time i have on this planet.

For what it's worth, i don't think you're lazy at all.
Battling your own brain 24/7 is definitely going to take it out of you.

[Elmer]

Thank you for your replies <3

It helps that I'm not alone, but I'm really sorry you all can relate. Gonna do my best to make the most of the good things.

I think that this is probably affecting me more than is healthy, though I'm not sure whether it's something to medicalise - I'll definitely talk to CMHT about it though because it is affecting voices/etc.

[long road]

Did you manage to talk to someone at your depot appointment?

I can relate, I struggle with feeling powerless to do anything about these world level crises. But like Beckie said you only get one life, so I am just trying to live mine best I can.

[Elmer]

Thanks Jen

I did speak to them and my friend helped when I lost my words. I had a really difficult moment at my volunteering yesterday evening and had to come home which is embarrassing and unacceptable. I've rung CMHT today to ask about speaking to someone before my psych appointment at the end of July, so will see if they call back.

I'm feeling a bit better today, I think. Just very frustrated.

[long road]

Sounds like you have a very good friend. Well done for speaking and for allowing your friend to help.

It sounds that it was really hard for you that you had to leave your volunteering. I would say that you do seem to being harsh to yourself though by saying it was unacceptable, you did what you had to do and removed yourself from the situation.

I hope you can get an earlier psych appointment.

I hope the feeling better has continued the last couple of days. I hear you on the frustration of your mental health limiting you on what you can do.

[Elmer]

Thank you :)

I think my mood is definitely becoming more and more of a problem but I don't think that I'm likely to be able to see the psychiatrist any sooner - having an appointment three months after my last one is already a bit unheard of. I've got lots of support around me, and lots of strategies I can try. I'm struggling to apply the word 'depressed' to myself, mainly because it feels very clinical, and I don't like that, but at the same time I am seriously considering discussing antidepressants again.

It's been pointed out that I put a lot of pressure on myself and am harsher than I am to others, so I think that maybe focusing on reducing the guilt I have around being 'unproductive' might help - the beating myself up isn't actually increasing my productivity, all that's happening is I'm exhausting myself further by not letting rest be 'restful' if that makes any sense? I also might need to be more mindful of my physical limitations that still exist, mild though they may be.

Posting this for accountability, I'm going to try to take a week away from worrying about uni - it's all very up in the air and there's not much I can do while things are still uncertain so I just need to focus on staying alive and safe.

[Auror.]

Rest, in itself, can be productive! If framing it that way helps at all.

[Elmer]

Thank you Camden. I do try to remind myself of that. I think because objectively I don't do as much as most people day to day, letting myself rest guilt-free is harder. My friend pointed out that mentally things really aren't great at the moment, and it's hard to do more when mental health is bad, same as physical health.

I've not heard from CMHT and I honestly don't expect to until I go back on Friday for the CBT group, but I think that's OK. I don't think things are currently dangerous, just unpleasant. I'm limiting my access to the news/anything to do with the climate crisis and trying to find things I enjoy doing.

[Pi.R^2]

Fwiw, I was talking to my counsellor the other week about how I probably need to choose a few 'causes' to be actively passionate about otherwise I'm going to burn myself out thinking about and trying to support everything I care about and she used my own phrase back at me "tell me you're neurodivergent without saying you're neurodivergent" and seemed to think the kind of overwhelming sense of injustice and wanting to fix lots of things at once could be a neurodivergent thing? I doubt that helps and you did say you didn't want to medicalise it so I've gone rogue.

Also I agree with what everyone else is saying. Why do you feel guilty about resting? Like I know you've said because others do more, but why does that lead to guilt? Do you think doing less in someway offends someone?

[Elmer]

I think I've had a lot of epiphanies relating to neurodivergence recently, and the way I feel so deeply about so many things is probably something to do with that too, so something to think about maybe.

I am trying very hard to stop applying morality to rest and productivity, but it's difficult when it's such a long standing familial and societal belief system. I often convince myself that I could do more if I just tried harder, and sometimes that is true. My limitations are invisible (unless I am being very mad), and I know that some people in my life (myself often included) don't believe they are there, so when I find myself barely able (or unable) to cope with an hour of volunteering or a ten minute walk I judge myself harshly. I'm surrounded by people who work incredibly hard and who do their best to live life to the fullest on top of that and it's difficult not to get cross with myself when I can't even brush my teeth.

[The Worst Witch]

I get it, Lio. I am also surrounded by people who work incredibly hard in different ways, and I do get judged for not being ‘enough’.

No wise words of wisdom, just wanted you to know you’re not alone in feeling like this <3

[Elmer]

Thank you x

[Elmer]

Things are getting harder. I don't feel safe from myself and I don't feel safe from CMHT.
Nothing is right, I don't know who to trust.
I think there's something wrong with one of my cats and this feels like a tipping point.
I'm so tired.

[Auror.]

Is there anyone who does feel safe? What's going on with your cat? Can you get them to a vet human? Thinking of you.

[Elmer]

Thanks Camden. I've calmed down a bit now. It definitely comes in waves.

My cat is OK, I think. Keeping an eye on him.

[Auror.]

We hope he stays okay, that's horribly stressful <3

[Elmer]

Thank you - it is stressful but I think the worst has passed for now. Having older pets is really hard.

I've just had a text from CMHT with a phone appointment with the psychiatrist for tomorrow which I'm both grateful for and stressed by. I'm going to write down what I need to say.

Could maybe do with some encouragement if anybody has any to spare - things are quite scary at the moment and I need help remembering it's temporary. It's temporary, right?

[Cacoethes]

It is temporary! <3
It sounds like you're doing all the righte things, and hopefully the psych tomorrow will be able to give some helpful suggestions. Writing things down is a good plan

[Elmer]

Thanks Beckie :)

I think I basically know what I'm going to say, just need to try not to forget how to speak because that would be annoying

[Cacoethes]

I always find that i forget LOADS when i don't have prompts!
Definitely best to make some notes to refer to!

[Auror.]

Definitely it is only temporary. We hope things lessen in intensity for you soon. It's hard to feel like they will when in the midst of it.

So glad you have an appointment for tomorrow! Re the worry of forgetting how to speak, is it worth voice recording your notes? Then if all else fails you could play that for them? It's obviously not ideal but maybe knowing you have a backup plan would help?

[Elmer]

I've made my notes. There's not a huge amount to say beyond 'please help me' but I've made sure to write about the things I've said here.

That's a good idea Camden, I might try that, or use text to speech. Being over the phone makes things a little bit harder so it's good to have a backup plan.

[Auror.]

Yes we weren't sure about the logistics of text to speech in a phone call but if it would work that's also an option to remember :)

[long road]

Good luck for today. Hope it goes / went well

[Elmer]

Thanks :)

It went OK. I'm pretty sure I came across as a bit incompetent because I had to fight to speak and kept muddling my words but it went OK.

I'm starting a new medication for anxiety when I can pick up the prescription - I'm a bit concerned about side effects but the psych still wants to see me at my appointment at the end of July so if I don't get on with it, there can be a new plan. Trying to keep an open mind.

[Auror.]

Are you okay with that plan? Do you need any prodding to pick up the prescription?

Glad it was at least okay. Thinking of you.

[long road]

Just wanted to say that struggling to speak especially on the phone about something stressful to a mental health person is not incompetentence. Both ASD and mental health can make verbal speech hard especially when things are stressful. It's frustrating as hell when you words don't work (FND does it to me) but it's not incompetence just your brain responding to stress. And hopefully a psych would understand it as a thing that occurs, because the deal with both neurodiversity and mental health as part of their day to day.

[Elmer]

I'm OK with the plan for now. The prescription will be ready tomorrow and my friend is coming with me to collect it.

That helps Jen, thank you. It's just so incredibly frustrating because it makes communication that much harder. I also worry they think I'm putting it on because it's only over the last year or so that the problem's been this bad. It is getting better though. It's also a problem that is in no small part due to/worsened by some very difficult past experiences with mental health professionals so I'm trying to view it with compassion.

[Auror.]

We totally get that. That's why talking doesn't work at all for us with any type of mental health or medical human. We're sorry that your system doesn't have good not phone options for those of us with those struggles. You're definitely not the only one and it's a real thing.

[Elmer]

I just wanted to update/thank everyone for being so wonderful <3

My new medication is helping a lot and the anxiety is much more manageable now. I still struggle to do things and motivate myself but at least the thought of leaving the house doesn't fill me with dread any more. Things are better for now, and I hope it stays that way for a bit.

I'm beginning to be more able to speak to doctors and other professionals, so going to try to build on that.

[The Worst Witch]

I’m so glad you’re feeling better Lio :). Hopefully the new medication continues to work well and things continue being okay for a while. I hope so :)

[Auror.]

Glad things are a bit better for you <3