Feeling Triggered

[PeachyGirl]

I've been having a rough mental health day, I've been having trouble finding a psychiatrist because I need to go on medication again. I applied for an online med prescription & subscription site and got rejected this morning because of my history of psych hospitalizations and having been on so many different meds in the past. I've been crying on and off all evening and started having a panic attack until I took a mild antianxiety med (basically an antihistamine), and it finally hit me why I'm so freaked out; it's bringing back weird trauma from when I had my mental breakdown and was in residential treatment. Being put on an ever-changing cycle of meds, all the side effects, feeling like I wasn't myself, being locked up, getting put in the psych ward, I think I'm actually terrified it'll happen again. Being rejected from this site is like labeling me as too complex for what I thought I needed and I'm afraid a psychiatrist will see more wrong with me and put me back on a bunch of meds. I'm really worried I'm actually doing a lot worse than I've been thinking. But then some days I feel totally fine? I'm also going through a major breakup of my 9 year relationship and we're still currently living together, so that's not helping. I feel like I'm breaking.

[Auror.]

It's been my experience with those sites that they have incredibly high liability doing what they do, so they're more likely to turn even the slightest less simple folks away. It doesn't necessarily mean that you are complex, it just means that what their site is geared towards and handles isn't the best fit for you or for them. Being turned away is horrible and never feels good, so very sorry you had to experience that.

Given you're not in hospital or under involuntary treatment now, you're far more likely to have a say in the type and amount of meds you get. Is it worth starting out with a GP, or searching for a psychiatric nurse practitioner instead of a psychiatrist? They might be slightly less heavy handed if that is a big fear of yours.

(This is assuming you are in the US, which I assumed based on your terminology)