Suffering from extreme health/death anxiety. Help?!

[Sharkgirl]

Alright. This is my first post on here so here goes:

I have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and Anxiety. I have no other serious medical conditions and no history with epilepsy or asthma.

I have recently moved to a new city, to attend university. Everything was smooth for 3 months. Except that I was a little bit lonely and stressed when it came to meeting deadlines. In maybe late November I had what I can only describe as a panic attack in the library. I phoned my Mum anxious that I was going to die. She relaxed me and told me I would be fine. I went back to my flat and had a nap which fixed it. No more ill feeling. At least not to that degree. I still felt woozy at lectures but it never lead to anything.

Then on the 7th Dec I woke up at 5. I read for a little bit, then turned on the TV and made some breakfast. I didn't have much just cereal and coffee. Halfway through my show, I suddenly had a funny feeling in my stomach. I got up and something felt wrong. Really wrong. I ran to the bathroom where I immediately vomited. Usually I would have slept this off. But I was suddenly overcome with such dizziness, nausea and shakiness that I was sure I was dying. I kept calling my parents, my breathing shallow. They assured me I would be fine.

My flatmates brought me water and one of them very nicely got some support (uni guards) to sit with me and try and talk me out of the panic. I was too scared to sleep for fear I would slip away. I phoned the doctor and she told me I had a virus made worse by my anxiety. I phoned my Dad and he drove 2 hours down the road and stayed with me overnight, taking me home in the morning.

In the days that followed, I had multiple panic attacks. They were scary and made me feel like I was dying every time I had them. I spent the days in bed, eating little and unable to concentrate on the things I enjoyed. My only respite was sleep and even that frightened me in case I died in it.

We made a doctor's appointment and got blood tests. They all came back satisfactory. A second appointment had a doctor listen to my heart rate, check my oxygen levels and my neurological coordination. I passed each test. She was very understanding and told me it sounded like I needed to up my sertraline dosage to 150mg. She also prescribed me 40mg of propranolol. I was initially worried about side effects but the first propranolol worked like a charm the first time I took it. But the days afterwards I still felt anxious.

I've stopped shaking and my heart is beating fine but I still feel really dizzy even lying down. Very weak too. It's the weakness I'm scared of the most. It makes me think death is near. I'm just so scared that I'm dying nearly every hour I haven't left my house in days. I'm eating well again but I sometimes still feel nauseous. My ultimate fear is fainting and never waking up.

To make things worse, when I think of things that make me happy, my OCD tells me that I will forever associate the things I like with these scary thoughts and I will have a panic attack. I feel so trapped. I've been to three psychologists in my life. I've had 5 years of no anxiety and now this has hit. I'm on medication. I'm still frightened I'm dying or wasting away from the inside out, pointing to my dizziness and weakness as clues.

I've been told I'm healthy but I still feel ill. I had a worrisome Christmas when I should have been enjoying myself. I try to cry as a release but I'm worried that I will become weaker and bring on the dying process quicker. I worry about cancer, brain tumours, encephalitis, immune diseases, anaemia, even though none of these showed up in my blood test.

A symptom of OCD is that I seek reassurance. I might sound irrational during these times but in the moment it feels very real. I need some helpful advice and a kind word. Thank you.

[one_step_closer]

That sounds really scary and upsetting, I'm sorry you're going through this. I don't really have much advice, apologies, I just wondered if there was a way you could self reassure for the times when you might not be able to get in contact with people? Remembering the reassurances that other people have given you in the past and maybe keeping a written record of them handy might be useful. It's not unusual to have a flare up of MH symptoms with big changes, even if you cope ok to begin with. Are you in therapy at the moment? Do you think it would help to talk things through with someone? Your uni might have a student counselling service you could use. I really hope that you can find a way through this soon. Welcome to RYL.

[Sharkgirl]

Thank you for your reply!
A symptom of OCD is that your seek reassurance constantly so my poor parents have to listen to the question "Are you sure I'm not going to die?" I've become so conscious of my own body that at the slightest bit of nausea or dizziness I feel really sick and that spikes my anxiety. The propranolol stops me shaking but it does nothing for the wooziness. It's like I've forgotten how to feel right again if that makes sense.

Yes luckily my uni has a (I'm told) very good and helpful councilling service for struggling students. But I'm worried about being labeled a "problem student" like in high school where I had to perform my exams in a separate room because due to OCD I was easily irritated and distracted by the sound of a cough or sneeze.

I just feel really sick all the time and I worry about being sick again. I think it's sense memory. I like your idea about writing down reassuring things. I've been listening to Headspace and trying to create my own peaceful scenario.

[one_step_closer]

It must be hard to be stuck in that cycle of feeling unwell and worrying about it which will probably then just make you feel more unwell. How were you managing your OCD and anxiety before this happened? I think uni is different from school with regards to counselling and looking after student's well being. On a side note, do you think you need extra support at uni? There might be a disability service if you haven't accessed it already that could help put things in place to take a bit of pressure off you.

Trying to create a sense of peace for yourself is a really good idea, I hope you can manage to find something that is useful and handy to be able to use. I understand the need to seek reassurance from other people, it's often not the same when you try to do it yourself. Would recordings made by the people you trust be an option, so that you could listen to them when people aren't available?

[Cacoethes]

I bought one of those heart rate/oxygen monitors that go on your finger when I kept feeling like I was dying.
It helped to see that my pulse and oxygen were ok.

[Sharkgirl]

one-step-closer - I wouldn't want to take advantage of the disability service because my anxiety has only ever last 1 month or 2 and then fades but the counseling I am definitely going to pursue. It would be a waste not to use help when it's available. Knowing my family they would record something funny or sweet. ^^

Cacoethes - That sounds like a good idea but I'm not sure where to find one or how much it would cost (at least in Stirling pound currency) It would certainly put my mind at rest but the trouble with OCD is just trying to use CBT to curb the illogical thoughts because I would see normal levels and my mind would still tell me I'm dying!
I heard you can get your blood tests printed out so maybe that will put my mind to rest.

[Sharkgirl]

Also can I just say thank you so much for the warm welcome here. Another OCD panic-related behaviour I have is asking reassurance on ask sites. Some people are helpful some aren't. Especially Yahoo Answers. I got some horrible responses. I mean yes I posted the same or similiar questions over and over again and I understand that's annoying but in that anxious moment my brain seems to think the illogical is possible despite the fact I'm a rational person.

[Cacoethes]

I picked mine up for about £10 off Amazon

I'm sure you could get your blood test results on paper. Would be worth looking into if you think it would help

I hope you continue to find this site helpful :)

[one_step_closer]

The machine is called a pulse oximeter if that helps you to find it. I also have one.

[Sharkgirl]

Does anyone here know a quick cure for nausea/general sick/hot flush feeling?

[Sharkgirl]

OK my anxiety attacks are back and I'm really scared!!!! I've just taken one of my beta blockers because I was starting to shake and my teeth are chattering. It was brought on because I felt nauseaous and dizzy and my breathing got shallow. I'm scared to fall asleep in case I die. I've been told by the doctor and my parents that that won't happen but I feel so sick and have this sense of impending doom. And my vision is doing this thing where everything feels sharper. I feel hot all over even though I don't have a fever. I'm scared my brain won't get enough oxygen and I'll die!!!! I'm really panicking! This came on so suddenly. My symptoms can sometimes last for more than an hour. Help!

[Cacoethes]

I think ginger is supposed to be good for nausea.
Like ginger tea or nibbling on a ginger biscuit
Worked when I had morning sickness anyway

Sorry if you've heard this before but have you tried breathing exercises?
I'm sure you can find some good ones online

[one_step_closer]

This might sound really silly but blowing bubbles sometimes helps ease a panic attack. Also the dive reflex thing of sticking your face in really cold water.

I hope you can get some relief soon.

[Sharkgirl]

Thank you, you are both so so kind. I've calmed down a little bit and stopped shaking. The beta blockers have slowed my heart rate and I'm steadying my breathing. All that's left is the lightheadedness. My Mum and Dad, bless them, are buying me ginger snaps to eat because of their natural nausea fixing remedies. The symptoms came on so suddenly I was scared I was dying. Nausea, dizziness, rapid breathing, hot flushes, fainty feeling and shaking. I've never fainted before, never been a fainter but I always worry about it. I'm mostly scared of not regaining consciousness.

Is it common to feel fatigue and hot after a panic attack? I have a lot of that right now. I've popped on some stand up comedy to take my mind off it. I'm just coming down from the after effects of it I suppose.

And this is after my GP gave me blood tests, a hearth check and an oxygen check and confirmed I didn't show signs of anything serious. I don't know why I believe my own dumb scary brain over a healthcare professional with 10+ years of experience. I'm comforted because I know healthcare is good where I am but that doesn't stop me from thinking "They missed something you're going to die!"

[HopeRises]

I just wanted to say I totally relate to this. I have not got any advice but you aren't alone. I experience this a lot too.

[one_step_closer]

The brain can be totally convincing when it comes to scary scenarios, even when there is actual evidence that things are ok. It's hard, I know. Keep fighting. It sounds like you're trying a lot to help yourself.

[Sharkgirl]

Hi me again!
At the moment I'm feeling a hot flush all over. My parents are getting ready for New Year and I don't want to disturb them with requests like cold cloths and further tests. The last doctor's visit should have been enough for me. I want to help my Mum prepare for the New Year because we've got guests coming. But I'm so lethargic. I have been staying in one place a lot the last few days but when I try and walk it off I feel woozy and all the blood rushes to my head and ears. I keep having that anxious thought in my head that I'm dying.

Early on I said that I wanted a brain scan but the doctor told me it could expose me to harmful radiation. Why am I still not satisfied? Psychologically I should feel better after being told I'm not deathly ill but a part of me wonders if I still might be.

I remember a scary panic attack I had earlier this month - my Auntie was ready to take my cousin to school. He's only little and I must have scared him to come charging in and sitting breathless on the sofa. My Mum had to stay with me and get me through it but I kept begging her to phone the hospital because I was sure this was it. In hindsight it seems overdramatic and maybe it was but in that moment you're so scared you don't know if it's fear or illness.

At the moment, my thoughts are going "I'm sick. Why am I dizzy and weak? Why do I have a headrest? Is that pain in my lower back and side just tension or appendecitis? Have I given myself heart disease? What about Adult Sudden Death syndrome?"

Vicious cycle 😢

[one_step_closer]

Have you ever tried just saying "stop" when your worries get out of hand? And keep doing that each time you have a panicky thought? Some people find that useful.

[Sharkgirl]

Yeah I usually just talk myself through it like "come on you're fine don't worry."

[one_step_closer]

Does talking yourself through it help? If not, using the "stop" method instead might be useful because it stops you from arguing with yourself as such if you're challenging your own "you are fine." I hope that makes sense, it was quite hard to word it!

[Sharkgirl]

Update: New Years Eve went smoothly. It wasn't until 1AM that I had to retire downstairs to bed. I still stayed up I just sat in bed. I woke up late today and took one of my prescribed beta blockers. I went to put my head down on the pillow and suddenly felt very woozy and weak despite sleeping for most of the day. I was scared that I would die in my sleep. I feel wobbly when I move too. I worry about this more than I should be.

I took 2 of the beta blockers yesterday and they really helped but I took one 2 hours ago and I still feel weak and tired which causes death anxiety.

My doctor said she can only do the 9th of January and I've been feeling like this for weeks. Right now I feel hot flushes like when you have a cold and I feel weak and don't have the energy to walk about and if I try I'm scared I'll fall. I have water beside me and a lavender scented candles. I'm also taking deep breaths.

I don't know how many propranolol it takes for something dangerous to happen but I only took 40mg to today. I felt really sick but hopefully I will feel better soon.

[one_step_closer]

If you are following the prescribed instructions on the beta blockers you shouldn't have to worry about dangerous effects. How are you today? What are things like when you're not obsessing so much over your health, does anything distract you? Can you use this week to prepare something for when you see your GP so you get the most out of the appointment?

[Sharkgirl]

Hello again!

I had another attack yesterday evening. It started with a queasy stomach and I only ate half of my dinner until I ran to the bathroom and felt dizzy, nauseous and weak, even throwing up a little bit. My Mum sat on the edge of the bath with me and reassured me that I was not going to die. Afterwards when I had taken a propranolol tablet and calmed down a bit, I spoke to my Mum for a bit, watched a film and then slept from 10 of clock at night to 8 o clock in the morning.

I woke up feeling really groggy and lethargic, and have only had two glasses of water and a tablet. Even after taking the beta blocker, I still feel weak and have a sense of doom. It's probably because I haven't eaten yet but I'm scared I'll throw up again, even though that's no way to live because I don't want to end up in hospital. I'm a healthy weight for a woman of my age but I am scared that I'll lose it dramatically in a week.

I hate feeling so ill and I want to get better again. I tried having a nap but my slowed down heart rate from the tablet planted the seed of a bad thought that I was now so weak I would die in it. I'm always thinking that. I also think "Why me? Why now?" Until I remember how selfish I sound because others have it so much worse.

I read that exercise works for anxiety but that just feeds my fear. I try and walk and I feel like I'm going to fall. I get a head rush and this fuels my anxiety. I was also about 8 or 9 hours into my tablet when I felt sick again which scares me because it makes me think I'm not safe from this feeling even after taking one. They're meant to last 10 hours but some sources say they only last 3 or 4 hours. Which I don't know would work for me because the doctor says I can only take 3 in a day.

Thank you for asking for me! I have tried listening to mindfulness tapes which really help and I keep a lavender candle near my bed to smell when I feel anxious and scared. I watch movies and listen to comedy audiobooks and watch comedy TV Shows. Talking also helps. Talking about anything is a distraction. I try and jokingly say that the cat doesn't seem to be gravely worried, sleeping on the end of my bed like death is near. She's a distraction too, I think about the texture of her fur and it relaxes me.

[one_step_closer]

What do you hope to get from your doctors appointment? I can't remember if you have said this already but have you been referred for formal therapy? Not just student counselling which is kind of general.

[Sharkgirl]

I was last in formal therapy in 2014. The last time I was in a therapist''s office, one of the head psychologists and the person in charge of supplying me my medication was congratulating me on how much progress I had made.

I guess I want some more...comfort or reassurance about my health or see if she can refer me to a good psychologist. I'm no longer a child so I can't go back to the Young Person's Dept. I just want something, a technique or a medicine or something that will stop me feeling woozy and ill.

Also, I saw the news today that the US killed a general from Iran and now WW3 is trending on Twitter and the last time I was this bad it was over the war in Ukraine and Syria and fears it could lead to a nuclear war so this hasn't helped.

[Sharkgirl]

I don't know why every time I feel like this I am worried/convinced I am dying?! It's always the hot flush with fatigue and tired feeling and I try and breathe through it. It goes away after 20 minutes or so but oh wow I feel horrible in the moment. I get scared to move even afterwards and just think "Does this mean I'm really sick? Is this what it feels like to die?" Sometimes I'm scared the tablets are making it worse. But a lot of the time the work.

[one_step_closer]

I think seeing a psychologist might be useful if you can ask your GP for a referral. Does your GP know you well and know much about what you go through? When you're feeling unwell and panicking in the moment one of the symptoms can be feeling like you're dying and that can be hard to challenge at that time even though afterwards you can say to yourself that it was like previous times where nothing serious happened. I don't know how you get around that other than continuing to try and reassure yourself.

[Sharkgirl]

I think I'm going to ask my tutor and teacher at university if I can get a longer time off. And a new essay extension. I don't want to miss anything but I don't feel like I should go back when I'm not even able to walk outside. My parents are suggesting that we go on a walk tomorrow but I'm scared I won't manage. I just had another really scary panic attack at 6pm that really felt like I was going to shut down. I felt extremely weak, I threw up my dinner again, this time even more, I was having hot and cold flushes, shaking and I was even wailing a bit. I must have looked pathetic in the moment.

I definitely need a psychologist. It's just a matter of getting an appointment and affordability. I am also scared I won't find someone kind and understanding. My first experience at the young person's place, the guy barely seemed interested and got half my information wrong!

[one_step_closer]

If you think you need more time off from uni then do ask for it, your health is the most important thing right now. I'm sorry you had a bad experience with psychology as a young person, I'd hope that people would be more understanding now and if you don't feel like they are then you'd let them know.

[Sharkgirl]

I'm having another one and it's bad! 😢 The lump in my stomach is making me feel sick like I'm going to throw up and I'm shivering. I'm scared my heart will stop or that I'll faint or stop breathing so I'm breathing quicker and deeper. All I've had to eat today is eggs on toast and a glass of lemonade. I took a propranolol beta blocker 1 hour ago. It should have kicked in by now! Instead I just felt scared that I was going to die because I feel lethargic and a bit ill.

Even though logically, I've been in bed all day and I haven't eaten much and I'm on my period. I just feel really dizzy and weak. I'm so so so worried what do I do?!

[Pi.R^2]

When do you next see a medical professional? It sounds like you are in urgent need of some professional support for the level of anxiety that you are experiencing.

Try to hold on to the fact that you have felt like this before and you did not die. I think it's also important to try to eat what you can; not getting enough food is only going to make you feel more lethargic!

[Sharkgirl]

You're right I should. I next see the doctor on Thursday. It's weird, the first time I was told by a doctor I was going to be okay I was fine for the next couple of days or at least less panicked. It wasn't until I started doubting that they started again.

I keep worrying that something bad will happen before I even have a chance to tell the doctor what I've been feeling. This is no way to live my life. Every day I worry about the next panic attack. I worry constantly. Thank you for taking the time to listen.

[Pi.R^2]

Aside from the propanalol and reassurance, has anything else helped, even a little bit? Such as drinking some water/juice, eating, distracting by watching TV/playing a game/listening to music or anything really!

I'm glad you're seeing a doctor on Thursday. Will someone be with you to help you communicate just how bad things are getting?

[Sharkgirl]

Yes, my Mum and Dad are going with me.

Drinking water and actually hot tea really help. Even when I don't have much of an appetite having something in my system is better than nothing. Orange juice helps too sometimes. I've been watching a lot more TV and listening to audiobooks, especially comedy, recently. It just helps distract me if I'm trying to listen to a story.

Unfortunately I'm still in my pyjamas and bed-ridden most of the day which is not good because it means I'm not getting exercise and I haven't properly been outside in a week or so. It's mostly fear over my health/preoccupation with my own death that scares me and the news just now feels very...apocalyptic?

I was just looking up stuff on blood tests with my Mum because I was still unsure about my physical health. They took 3 vials off of me and I don't know if that was for different tests or for one big test but they need at least 2 samples of blood in case a test comes back inconclusive. So, three vials should be good to tell if I was really sick right? They all came back healthy and I still wasn't convinced.

I think I'm also going back to the hypochondriac stage I was when I was about 6-8 and I thought every symptom was a sign of sickness or death. I had an earache this morning and have been getting that feeling of bile rising in my throat. I'm also concerned if my heart beats too fast or too slow. Right now I can hardly feel it because I'm relatively relaxed but only finding a faint heartbeat has put me on edge.

I also feel really dizzy but maybe that just started just now through being on my phone in the dark.

[Sharkgirl]

I feel really scared and sad right now. I've seen the news of what's happening in the world and it's causing me great distress. I'm scared there's going to be a WW3 or a bomb going off in the UK. Trump in office makes me nervous. Iran's regime makes me neevous that makes me feel like everything is going to end and I will never have a life or career or see the world. I keep having images of me and my parents watching the death and carnage on TV and just holding each other going "this is it, this is the end, I love you, I love you too" etc.

I have my appointment on Thursday. But I worry if I will actually see it, because I'm scared that I won'the make it through the night or the events in the news will have escalated to catastrophic proportions. I'm really frightened right now. I can't concentrate on anything but death. I don't know what to do!

[one_step_closer]

How did you get on at your appointment?

[Sharkgirl]

Fine thank you!
My doctor has decided to increase my propranolol to 80mg a day that will release spouts of serotonin or another similar chemical into my brain throughout the day. She even showed me my blood results and said if the writing next to the test is in red, it means something's abnormal. None of my writing was in red. And different tests were done in different labs so there's no way they could have missed something.

I'm still having dizziness and nausea but I'm breathing through it and eating ginger biscuits which I've heard helps. I'm also signed off Uni until the 31st Jan. I wonder if the dizziness is just sense memory or left over residue from being sick? I don't know.

[one_step_closer]

That sounds good. Do you feel more reassured?

[Sharkgirl]

Posting again after 2 weeks!

So, I've actually been feeling better the past 5 days, at least in terms of eating and drinking well. Yesterday my Mum decided that it would be a good idea if I got dressed and went for a walk with my Dad. Everything fine, no incidents. However, I woke up in the middle of the night last night and didn't go back to sleep. Instead I played video games and durfed online. I went through to my Mum's room and she said another great step would be if I saw my Grandma. I really wanted to as I hadn't seen her in ages.
But then I started to feel funny and I recognised them as the beginnings of an anxiety attack. I took deep breaths but my legs wouldn't stop shaking. I took some beta blockers with me just in case.

Anyway we arrive at my Grandma's. It's so great to see her I almost forget my anxiety. But then the feelings keep coming and I start to feel nauseous, like a hot flush from my head all the way to my stomach. My legs will not stop shaking. I was mad at myself that my Grandma had to see me like this.
She and my Dad tell me to take long, deep breaths. Which I do. I'm always overly conscious of my breathing worried that it will stop at any moment. I get to my feet...and start to vomit. And continue to do so in the bathroom. It feels horrible.

So now I'm at home, feeling weak and tired, wanting to fall asleep but being scared I'll die in it. I thought my sertraline meds would have kicked into now. I felt like they were starting to but then this happened.
My Dad is thinking about hiring a therapist and convincing me to defer from Uni for a year. I was doing so well but now I'm scared again.

[Sharkgirl]

I'm also aware that I've been told I'm not dying by my parents and two separate trained professionals. All my blood test results came back healthy and with no abnormalities according to the results sheet. But instead of accepting that, I keep thinking "They might be wrong, people make mistakes, you've got a dreadful illness and you're going to die!"

[one_step_closer]

Taking time off uni for therapy might be a good idea since all the physical tests and reassurance from other people don't seem to be doing much for you. It's ok to take a step back to look after yourself.

[tiptoes]

Recovery from mental illnesses isn't linear.

It's great that you were doing better but having a blip isn't going back to square one. One thing I find help is to look at how my mood is averaged over the week to see how things have improved e.g. Going from almost daily panic attack on a 7/10 scale to almost daily 5/10 panic attack to 2-3 mild panic attacks.

Do you monitor your mood? It might be helpful, there are lots of sites to help. It might help you recognise patterns in your anxieties and also days where you might need to be gentler with yourself as well as days when things are a little better and you might be up for visiting people or going for a walk.

[Bellatrix]

Have you spoken to your GP about anti-emetic medication or using CBD oils? I have no idea if it would be suitable for you so you'd need to speak to your doctor. But it's something to consider.

Reducing the nausea may help to reduce your anxiety.

The stop method works for me with intrusive thoughts. I say Stop everytime a thought comes into my head. In the beginning, I would say it about 500 times an episode haha, now I can calm myself much quicker. Try it consistently for a period of time, it may help. Reassuring yourself enables the thoughts, you're still getting the reassurance when you may need to be focused on managing the intensity of the thoughts.

Also have you been tracking your mood and attacks? If you can start to see causes for them, you can start to preempt them and prepare to shut down the thoughts before they come.