Struggling with a baby, life, and being an adult

[SilentBoy]

Back in December my partner and I welcomed our baby girl to the world.

7 months down the line and I am really struggling. I have no idea if anything I do is the right thing to do. My partner feels that I don't want to spend any time with her or the baby because I am spending all my time with a friend.

My friend has been in the area a lot recently staying at his parents over the summer (he is a teacher) so I have jumped at the chance to see him. I recently got flexi time at work, and now work usually 7-4 instead of 9-6 to get more time with them in the evening. Baring in mind I am usually awake from 6 anyway and neither of them are up before i have left for work regardless of what time I start. Sometimes I have to work until 5 or 5.30 and I usually start at 7 anyway to build up overtime so I can then take a shorter day another time.

Last night she told me that it feels like I don't want to be around either of them because of planning to go out with a friend for the day without time. I don't know how to tell her that sometimes it frustrates me that I don't get a moment to myself, ever. I'm asleep, then I'm at work, then I'm at home with her and the baby, then I'm asleep again.

I know she doesn't go out and have time to herself at all, but she could. I have never stopped her. In fact I have actively encouraged her. Spending time apart isn't not wanting to spend time together. It's maintaining a healthy independance.

I get angry and stressed a lot. Mostly because of work, my job is just one of those jobs that is stressful, and I have to deal with idiot customers and idiot colleagues all day. Sometimes this comes home with me. Sometimes I just want to eat dinner, and go to sleep, and all my remaining energy is used up trying not to scream, or cry, or hurt myself. Unfortunately this means when the baby is crying and refuses to go to sleep until hours after she should have gone to sleep, I lose my rag a little. I know I shouldn't, but I do. I know it's not her fault, she's not even 8 months old. Sometimes I have a strong drink to help calm myself, but only the one, I don't want to slip down that road again.

There are many roads I don't want to slip down again, but it's ever so tempting. But I won't. I can't. I wouldn't be able to cover up after myself.

Despite all my rage, I am still just a rat in a cage.

TL;DR - Being an adult is hardcore and I am not very good at it

[Pi.R^2]

Heya, welcome back!

This sounds like a really tough situation for you.

I think you need to try and have a conversation with your partner about this. Tell her how you are feeling. If possible, maybe you could arrange a babysitter and take your partner out to do something she would enjoy and make time to talk as well. It sounds like there's a bit of misunderstanding between you two (e.g. she might have forgotten that she has opportunities to have time to herself and she maybe doesn't appreciate that most of the time you are out you are actually at work, not just having a jolly!) and hopefully some honest conversation where you both let the other speak and be heard could iron that out. Does that sound like something that might be helpful?

[SilentBoy]

I think it's an option worth exploring, getting a babysitter. We don't live far from the town center so we'd be able to go out while still being close enough to hope to not worry about being too far away from the baby.

It's difficult with childcare. My parents are divorced, dad lives in Cyprus so he is obviously not an option to help. Mum lives the other side of town, but music and religion occupy so much of her time her children come second to a cello and god.

My partners mum and stepdad don't live that far away but her mums having quite aggressive chemo so we obviously don't want to put unnecessary strain on her. So that leaves paying for a babysitter. Which costs money. Which is a problem before you even look in to the other problem of finding a reliable person who isn't going to kidnap your child....is there a website for vetted babysitters?

I don't mind that I'm at work all day, apart from the fact that I'd rather be at home dealing with one baby, than at work dealing with hundreds of babies formed of my colleagues and customers.

[Pi.R^2]

Oh I see how that's tricky if you've not got people you can ask about babysitting! How well does your baby sleep? Maybe a nice meal at home with your partner after the baby's gone to bed?

[Koala hugs]

Hi I don't have any advice to offer or anything but I really hope that things work out well for u

[The Worst Witch]

Yes, there is a website for vetted babysitters. I used to work for a company that 'hired out' babysitters for weddings and things, so like you'd be booked for say a wedding where your job was to look after the kid(s) while the party was going on. Depending on how many kids there were, you could book more than one worker and everyone had to be SSSC registered (a legal requirement for working with children in Scotland, but if you're in another country they'll have the same thing just under a different name), qualified to level 3 (so have done three years of childcare training at college) and PVG checked (which I believe is called a DBS in England). I can give you the website if you're interested, not sure if I'm allowed to post it here because of the rules x

[Pi.R^2]

^i can’t see an issue with you posting it here, so feel free!

[The Worst Witch]

I won’t post the website for the company I used to work for since that would give away my precise location but I’ll post the website they advertised on.

Www.childcare.co.uk :) - you do have to pay to interact on the website BUT often companies will post contact details which you can view for free.

Also, another idea I had was childminders - often they work any hours they’re needed because the majority of them are self employed. For example, when i was one before I moved into nurseries etc I used to work until 11pm sometimes if I had to because of not getting a conventional wage

[MrsNutkin]

Hey,

This is an old(er) post now but I'm popping along to say that I'm about to be in a similar position. As in I'm currently pregnant.

Wondering how you are getting along.