Depression, self sabotage and generally being a **** person

[Kollantai]

I'm really struggling dealing with my low mood, I know I need to start eating better, taking care of myself, keeping my house in order etc, but I just have no motivation for it. I barely leave my house, I barely talk to any one (except my partner and one friend) and I'm feeling increasingly adrift. Today I lay in bed for three hours crying, even with my prn, it didn't touch the sides. Eventually I just asked my partner if I could take a couple of pain killers just to feel calm again. I'm becoming increasingly reliant on alcohol or drugs to feel calm. I know alcohol/drugs won't help in the long run, but I've genuinely given up on ever being able to get better. I dropped out of the STEPPs program in my area cause I couldn't stand being around people as ill as II was I felt fake and that the entire group was fake. That we weren't really there to get better, just to tick it off a list. I've cancelled psych appointments cause I don't see the point in talking about my issues, I'm not going to ****ing change, so what's the point? I'm beginning to struggle with thoughts of self harm again, but I keep it at bay with alcohol/drugs just now. It just feels like I'm sinking so deep into a hole I won't ever get out of

[tamobhuuta]

I don't think you're a **** person, I think your depression is making things really hard, it's not your fault. Maybe think about going to appointments, they may not have an answer straightaway but give them time?

[Kollantai]

I've been in therapy for two years now, and nothing has improved. I put a lot of effort into therapy at the beginning, hoping that social services would see I was trying to get better and would reconsider giving my daughter back to me (they kept saying my mental health was too unstable). When my daughter was taken from me permanently I tried to reset my expectations, and tried to engage for my own sake and appreciate the little contact we had with her, but even then all it did was remind me of how much of a failure I am because I was just incapable of putting any of the advice into practise. I've just come to the realisation I'm wasting their time, and since I don't have any particular need to get better any more, I've given up. The only reason I haven't killed myself yet is because I don't want to leave my partner alone with all this pain over our daughter, and also I worry that my daughter will need us when she is older as they have placed her in the care of my emotionally abusive mother who has unfortunately, not changed since people keep enabling her.

[tamobhuuta]

You could tell your psych (if you have one?) that the therapy isn't helping and s/he can look at something else for you.

[nonperson]

Hi. I'm not sure what to suggest in terms of advice but just want to say that I can relate to what you've written up there, particularly that first sentence.

Finding the motivation to do even the smallest of things is really hard, I know. I'm glad you have your partner there though - can he/she help you somehow with motivation to do some of those things you said? Can you think of one small thing that might be achievable in terms of looking after yourself more, eating better, housework..? Maybe don't buy alcohol or make a meal plan or maybe just tidy the kitchen table - something small but achieveable that might make it seem like not such a deep hole.

[Kollantai]

It's the fact I've left everything get so bad that even to do one small thing will make literally no difference to the state of the place. I still limit when I drink/take drugs but it's genuinely such a struggle to deal with anything without a crutch. Meal plans are a necessity for us any way it's just when it comes to actually making meals, I end up not bothering cause I can't motivate myself to actually cook. Just so tired of how much effort is required to live.

[nonperson]

I know where you are coming from. This is just how my life is too...

Could you do a massive clean up then, like... literally just blitz it and then you can start afresh with a plan to keep things under control?

Feel like an absolute hypocrite writing that because I honestly know how hard it is... and I don't follow my own advice at all... but I think it is the only way. =/

[Kollantai]

I know, I will get round to doing it. I've just been feeling so awful recently. It seems like a monumentous effort, I really should try and call the CMHT to see if I can get an appointment for a med change, but I've been told there isn't much hope of getting an appointment right now as there is only one part time psychiatrist on for half my city.

[nonperson]

Well, booking an appointment for as soon as they can give you one is better than not booking one at all.

I 100% understand how stressful and hopeless it can feel having no motivation but I think requesting a med change is a really good idea. It's something you can proactively do to hopefully make things start changing for the better. =)