Too old, too dumb, too useless, too pathetic

[Margo]

I need to move on but I feel I can't because of all of the above.
My memory is terrible and so I forget what I've seen or read or heard and I feel I have nothing to say to anyone.

I'm a master of asking questions but seldom saying anything about myself because I feel there is nothing to offer.

I try to write in here but think I'm too old now or I'm too stupid to reply and no one would want to listen.

Even this doesn't make sense. It's a struggle to type.

I don't even know why I'm posting this

[Sketchy]

I am always happy to listen to what you post. You have a lot to offer and have always been incredibly helpful. You are not too old, etc. You are wise, useful and brave. It's the low self esteem that's telling you otherwise. Don't listen to it!

[Eir]

You have been wonderful support for me Matt. I don't think I would have survived the past 6 months without you. Thank you.

[Margo]

Thank you. That's kind.

I feel I'm nothing. Just a shell. Like the Matthew that people one knew has been scooped out and now I'm just a facade.

I'm struggling with who I am. I don't know any more. This past 11 years has been horrific. Some wonderful things have come of it but I feel more scar tissue than human being. Terrible analogy in a self harm site.

I think often how much better it would be if I just ended it all. Therapist says thoughts like that are my safe place. I don't want that to be a safe place anymore though.

I'm ashamed of what I am

[Sketchy]

Low on words, but wanted to say the world is a better place for having you in it. I hope you can reach out if you are feeling unsafe. Keep talking to your therapist. Take care.

[Margo]

I don't know why I keep feeling so low. My thoughts are really bad.

I'm actually considering speaking to the gp....

[Sketchy]

Speaking to your gp is a good idea. I'm sorry you are feeling so low. You have came through this before, so hopefully it will pass. In the meantime take it easy and keep talking to your doctor and therapist. Sorry I haven't anything useful to contribute. I know how debilitating the low thoughts are. You are not alone.

[Eir]

I second (or third) the gp idea

[Margo]

Feeling better today. Been trying to figure what's been making me like this. I'm starting to wonder if alcohol is affecting me?

Now I don't drink a lot but have been drinking more since I moved. When I was at my fathers I'd drink only when I saw friends and that could be twice a year or half a dozen times a year.

Since the move I've been having a couple of pints a week in the pub and been seeing a lot more of friends and having a few more. Now I haven't gone mad drinking and it's nothing I'd be worried about but it's the only thing I can think of?

[Sketchy]

I'm glad you are feeling better and able to look at what contributes to feeling this way. Have your recently moved? That is a stressful event in itself, so maybe you are still adjusting to it.

[Eir]

It definitely could be the alcohol. Not only can it interact with medication, it's a depressant. I generally feel awful a couple days later after drinking. Bit like the 'suicide Tuesdays' associated with illicit drugs. For me it doesn't even matter how much.

[Margo]

Well I haven't touched a drop since a week on Saturday and my mood is lifting. i still feel pretty crap though. I feel flat and that's sometimes the worst. I want to get high jisy to feel something else. Have the annual boys Christmas drink this weekend and am so tempted to get some Peruvian matching powder and go mad.

My self motivation is awful. It's winter and there's stuff I should be doing. I've always wanted to get into fermenting veg and the temperatures are perfect for it but I can't be bothered. I should also be trying to make bacon but I just don't.

I feel like a joke. A waster. A leech on society. I'd like to scream but I can't be bothered. Shut up Matthew and get a grip. I've even considered going to church! What's that about? Desperation? Probably

Sorry for taking up space.

[Sketchy]

Never apologise for taking up space. You have every right to post here and you have given many a person great advice. Now is the time to let others help you.
I understand the motivation problem, as it's something I struggle with. Maybe set little goals rather than think about what you feel you should be doing.
It's positive that your mood is lifting, but I'm sorry you are still struggling. It does sound like you are moving in a positive direction.
Take it easy and don't be so hard on yourself.

Lorraine.

[Margo]

Thank you x

I feel like I'm in an arena and there is a lion in front of me.
There are 6 barred gates around the arena. One is clearly marked "freedom and safety". The other 5 have more lions behind them waiting to attack.

I 'know' which gate to take and the whole crowd watching are begging me to take it.

Yet I always seem to take a few steps towards it and then take the ones with the lions.

Totally stupid

[Sketchy]

*leaves hugs*

[Eir]

*more hugs*

[Margo]

Thank you for the hugs.

I'm stuck. I think it's my own doing.
I deserve this.
I read so many people truly struggling to be well and get well and move on and...

I don't think I'm trying at all.
The fact is I'm a waster. I'm weak and I'll never be stronger.

I wish I was different but I'm not.

I know how to die. Cliched. But true.

I wish it were easier because it's the only real thing to do.

[Zurg]

That's not really you talking though. It's the words of the depression. You have proved several times to be stronger than that beast and you can beat it once more. I have the utmost faith in your ability to recover.

And just for the record, it is perfectly fine to spend some time feeling sorry for yourself and even so that does not make you a waste.

Have you spoken to your gp????

[Sketchy]

You do not deserve this. It's the low moods that's telling you this. Ignore it. Things can get better. They have in the past, so what helped then? You can get through this and as zurg says, it's ok to feel sorry for yourself. It's time you give yourself much needed care and attention.

[Irisflower]

Also, I support the going to church idea��
Church helps me, it is just finding the right one