Triggering (Suicide, SH, ED) selfish rant

[raining_inmyhead]

sorry for posting... feel like i should hide this away on R&V but I can't face it vanishing un-noticed so I am being selfish and attention seeking here :-(

I drove home today ruminating on negative thoughts, thinking through different ways I could die, thinking through what would happen when I didn't do enough and had to go on living, what injuries would be better. I don't want to die, I just don't want to be me or do this anymore, desperate to be the opposite of me. I hate myself.

I can't see how I can get to next week. I need it to stop.

So triggered. I need something. I want my blades, everywhere on my skin. Binging on food... eating things that shouldn't be consumed that way straight out of the packaging. Disgusting.

Trapped inside by the rain. Trapped. Silent.

CPN appointment tomorrow, can't explain myself, no one can understand or help. I know what I need, I need sunshine and air and someone to listen and hugs and endorphins, freedom, everything opposite, fun and nothing that is me.

It's not fair. Please just let me destroy myself.

Selfish piece of s**t, gah! sorry sorry sorry.

[raining_inmyhead]

As soon as I have written it out it doesn't exist, I feel nothing, it's not me.

[Eir]

*hugs*
Is it a helpful sort of nothing?
It's not selfish to rant and want some sort of response.
Take care hun, we' re here.

[raining_inmyhead]

Thank you *hugs back*

Guess it is helpful to allow me to continue on with things and put the stuff I am feeling in a box under the stairs, but it's not helpful to keep it with me, I can never process anything because I can't relate to stuff once I boxed it, just gathers dust.

Saw my CPN today, it's hard because I know I will have to change support team soon as I am moving and so there is only a limited amount she can do and limited stuff she can get into. My defences and walls were up and I pathetically failed to mention pretty much everything I had written in my post. I covered a lot of 'this happened last week' but couldn't voice 'this is happening now' particular not how scared I am feeling and the amount of negative thoughts I have, I'll have to try harder next time.

Thank you for your hugs and support x

[Margo]

I've said this a million times but unless you have a brilliant relationship with a support worker very few are psychic.

You've made a start and you're progressing with something you find terribly hard to do and it's important to keep going. I still recommend you taking your correspondence and writing with you and just hand it over.

You'll get there Nat

Xx

[raining_inmyhead]

I told someone at work, I told them NOTHING... I told them I have Dr and CMHT support and that was all I said.

Keep checking to see if they will comment or say anything, they won't, feel like a stalker or something, ****ing ridiculous.

Gin and tonic to calm my brain but just feel fuzzy and tired, big day at work tomorrow, big day the next day... oh dear, hello anxiety... sorry ranting stupid don't try and talk after 13 year rants...

[Margo]

The more you say the better it will get. It's ok to test the waters with people. If they have a brain and compassion you'll be surprised at how supportive people can be.

Now give me gin and a hug!

Lots of love xxx

[raining_inmyhead]

Sometimes doing something nice just highlights how much I neglect myself and that I both want to improve things but also don't feel worthy

I want to chat to someone but there is no one here

When I move I get discharged from the NHS, I don't understand why I have to ask again, it feels too much

Everything is too much

Please let me rest and quiet this brain