Meltdown

[Margo]

This morning I arranged to go to the local volunteering place to register interest for a couple of posts. Guy from mht came with me for support.

I sat, gave my name, explained (pathetically) why I wanted to volunteer and gave details of what I was interested in. Was told it is usually a couple of weeks to hear back and so I left.

Got in the car and started to cry. Mood dropped off the scale. Took myself to the shops and wandered around like a zombie. Came home and sat around feeling like I was going to cut myself. Put a blade to my arm and pressed, but then stopped and forced myself to do some gardening.

Around 5 pm I get an email from the place I'm interested in and they guy wants me to call or email to arrange a meeting to discuss further. It has totally spun me out.

I feel so freaked out. I just spiralled downwards and sat motionless. I can't do this. It's volunteering and so therefore the least stressful thing I could do and still I'm freaking out. I've smoked and paced around and I've had to take myself to bed because if I stay up I'll cut myself.

The pressure is massive in my head and I am so ashamed of myself. I've lost all confidence and belief in anything and everything.

I feel awful for making a thread. I feel like people will read the and roll their eyes and tell me to get a ****ing grip.

I can't email the guy back. I just want to hide. I want to buy loads of drugs and just escape my head and everything around me.

I know I'm a useless idiot.

[Sefka]

*hug* I don't think you're useless.

Do you actually want to do the volunteering thing or is it something you feel like you should do? Maybe doing it will be fine and it was just the stress of the registration meeting, like feeling you had to present yourself?

Either way, you did the first step. I hope bed = sleep = calmer mind
Are you able to talk about it to the guy who went with you?

Stay safe and please keep posting or pm or whatever if you want/need to. I'll be around.

S

[Kathryn_Anna]

You're not useless. <3

I'm wondering what Sefka is. Maybe it was just the stress and pressure of doing the registration that has you on edge. I know I stress about interviews but come time to do the job I don't feel nearly as bad. I hope you got some rest. Any chance you can talk to the mht guy who came with you?

[Eir]

*hugs*
You did well. Better than you were expecting. And it threw you. That's normal.
You did even better by distracting yourself. Well done.
When can you see mht again? Maybe get them to help you with the email?
I'm proud of you.

[Margo]

My worker is lovely and I get on with him but he doesn't push me. He keeps saying if I don't want to do something that's ok. I have said I need pushing. Before I had an OT and she was great. Supportive but tough and that's what I needed.

I've had a call and another email now regarding my applications. I just can't face contacting. I've convinced myself I'm not good enough, I'll mess up, I'll fail and I'll be hated.

I took pills to hide. I dreamed I tried to kill myself. I was sad when I woke up and it was just a dream. I don't deserve to be alive. I can't explain how much I hate myself.

But I did more gardening and jobs at home to keep busy.

Things with gf are crap. I feel so distant from her. I feel I'm holding her back. It's not going to work, I just know it.

She's better without me.

[Zurg]

I don't have many words tonight but i just wanted to say that absolutely no one is better off without you, Matthew!!!!! No one!!!!!

[Margo]

Took more pills. Just enough. No where near what I was. But it makes the day less painful and it goes quicker

[Sefka]

How are you doing now?

[Margo]

Taken pills to hide. Not replied to calls and emails. Going to see Freinds for a few days so that will help. Not been on the bike. Should go today but just sat and smoked. I gave up 10 years ago and now I'm a walking chimney.

Of course I should just do it. Of course I should just feel the fear and do it anyway. Of course I should be stronger and braver. Of course I shouldn't be a total pussy.

Fact is I am

[Slip]

Fact is - we all are.
Every member of the human race is a pussy about something.
Fear is universal.
My fears are my own fears...
Yours are your own...
Your neighbour is a pussy about something or other that you would find you would deal with as easily as, whatever it is you find a breeze...
No one is saying your fears are irrational except that little voice inside you telling you to be afraid.
It's okay to be afraid, just know that when you are ready - one way or another, the only way to reach the things & the people you want in your life - is to face both your irrational & your rational fears.
The only way out is through my dear, you know this, I know you do...(I'm nearly convinced you told me that once, but the way I said it was waaaay prettier... :)

x

[Eir]

*squishes you*
Slip is right. Everyone is ****-scared of something. But sometime you can push past it, if you have the right sort of help.
You've said several times you need a little pushing, but aren't getting it from your support worker. I can try to help.
I'll push you if need be. Write me in a pm what you think you ought to be replying. I'll read it and we can go from there. I'll even pester you about it until you are sick of me.
Do you think that would help?
Write me.
Annie.

[Margo]

I spent an hour in floods of tears on Thursday in therapy. The session started with fear is ok and we all feel it and pretty much what's been said above. Then went on to loving myself and respecting myself etc.



And that's where it all goes wrong.....

I'm not convinced my therapist totally gets it and I remember people here, many years ago, messaging me in frustration asking how I can be so hard n myself when I'm so <insert something positive> and so many people <insert positive description of me>.

But I can't see this person and I'm losing the ability to even, intellectually, accept this person may be there.

I can't seem to hold onto nice things or positive things. All I do is catch the negative and mold myself around it.


I don't want to sound an ungrateful ****. I'm not. It's just it feels like people are talking in Chinese.




......and something is prevent me from even learning a single word of it.

I'm sorry.

Gonna shut up now.

[Eir]

You explain it so well.
Just... Yeah... Umm.
I get it. I really do. Or something similar
Gonna keep squishing you tho. Cos I think you deserve it even tho your head won't agree with me.
*BIG SQUISHES *

[Slip]

Ditto gorgeous
You know where I am xx

[Zurg]

I wouldn't know how to love myself either. I actually think it's more common than what people normally think. But i guess it's a bit of a taboo as well. There is a lot of emphasis on loving yourself and nurturing yourself but i believe that you can nurture yourself without the bit about loving yourself. That might sound odd and i am rather tired so i might not make a lot of sense but what i mean is, that you don't neccessarily have to love yourself to expand and grow as a person.

I think acceptance is more important than love when it comes to ourselves. When we strugggle to accept ourselves it creates a huge internal conflict that feeds off the anger and resentment. It becomes its own self fulfilling prophecy. The more we struggle to accept ourselves the furhter away we drift from our potential. And from the potential to live a happy and fulfilling life.

Perhaps the first thing to work on here is to try to explore the small parts that make you, you. What is good about the good parts and what is bad about the bad parts???? To me it seems like a timeless duality, there can be no good parts without the bad parts. So in that respect if you contain some bad energy or some bad karma (or whatever....) then there must be some good things too because they need each other to make a whole being.

You seem focused on the bad stuff, so much in fact, that you have lost sight of your own positive qualities. Which there are plenty of, just sayin'. You don't need to love yourself to accept that there are good inside of you. Perhaps you're afraid of the responsibility connected with recognising the good inside you. It has a tendency to bind you to this life.

ANyways, it's a bit late and i am rambling so i'll shut up now..... Just want to say i know the difference between good and bad and i have never seen you as being purely bad. And my word is law. So there!!!! :POPE:

[Margo]

Perhaps the first thing to work on here is to try to explore the small parts that make you,

Who told you about my small parts Katrine?

[Eir]

YAY for humour. Hope you are feeling better.
*squish*

[Zurg]

Who told you about my small parts Katrine?

I just made an assumption :whistling: :tongue2: